JC4 Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 (edited) Sometimes I ask girls out online or in text. The vast majority of times that a girl does not accept my invitation she simply doesn't respond, going silent forever, instead of just a simple "no". I don't feel like I'm doing anything over the top; usually it's a girl I've come across in real life but didn't have a chance to chat much, maybe I want to see her again and find out more, so we chat a little online and if it seems like we're friendly I'll ask in a pretty basic way like "Hey, are you free for coffee, a drink, or dinner some time this week?" etc. Sometimes girls will just say "No", or "Sorry not interested", which is totally fine. But the silence, which seems common, is agonizing. Is this normal? Is it me? Why do girls do this? I don't know if it matters but I'm in NYC, the girls I try to date are usually local, and everybody's in the 25-35 age range. (Oh and ladies, if you do do this and it's not just me, please stop, haha. It's such an awful feeling to be left hanging. "No" is totally cool.) Edited August 5, 2015 by JC4
HereNorThere Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Because most people are conflict-avoidant and dislike confrontation. It's definitely not just you. I sometimes do it to people and I sometimes have it done to me. Not only in my romantic life, but also in my work life. I'm dodging a few emails and hoping the person goes away as we speak.
SandraTempleton Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 My modus operatus if I am not interested in going on a date with someone involves me saying to them over the same method they used to communicate "Thank you for asking. I'm flattered that you are interested in me, unfortunately I just don't feel the same way." If they are a friend already then I will add "Don't worry this won't affect our friendship in any way". If they are not a friend already, I don't extend the line "Let's be friends instead" or any variation unless I truly mean it. Friendship means a lot to me, and I wouldn't offer unless I plan to pick up that person's phone calls if they needed me in the middle of the night or pick them up from the airport or other such inconvenient things. I agree with you though, I hate the "no answer" answer. 4
fitnessfan365 Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Whenever I've seen topics like this on various dating forums, it's always the same answer from women. Initially they'd turn guys down w-actual no's. But then guys would want to know why and try to get the women to change their minds. Then when the women stuck to their guns, the guys started to get really nasty and offensive. So now it's easier just to avoid it all together with a non response. Personally, I agree that no response is a response. I mean it's just as easy to use common sense and take it at face value isn't it? Plus, since it's a girl you don't even know, they don't owe you anything IMO. 6
Author JC4 Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 (edited) Whenever I've seen topics like this on various dating forums, it's always the same answer from women. Initially they'd turn guys down w-actual no's. But then guys would want to know why and try to get the women to change their minds. Oh. I think it's pretty rude to persist after somebody says no but I guess that makes sense. Does that really happen that much? In that case: Guys if you're doing this please stop so girls feel comfortable saying "no" to me again! It seems like everybody would win with a "no" and then a "but why?" could be met with silence instead. I don't know why saying "no" would make a girl feel obligated to not ignore a follow-up "why"... Just to be clear I don't think it's cool to bug a girl who gives no response. It's just on my end the suspense sucks. Personally, I agree that no response is a response. I mean it's just as easy to use common sense and take it at face value isn't it? Well, no, not as easy for me anyways. Because "no" means "no", but silence goes through a period of "maybe she just hasn't replied yet" first, and the length of that time is totally up for interpretation, and it's up to me to decide when it changes from "maybe" to "no". Plus it's even harder online, where delays in responses are normal and acceptable, not like talking face-to-face. So it's not really common sense to distinguish a normal delay from a "no". That's the crux. Even long delays are normal. I once met a girl who took two days to reply with a "yes", although I guess the pleasant surprise was kinda nice in the end, ha. It's like if you ask an employee at a store where something is, and if they don't have it the employee just ignores you. And you stand there for a while, maybe they're thinking, then you stand there some more, then you just end up annoyed, wondering "soooo.... where is it?". Well, I would. Plus, since it's a girl you don't even know, they don't owe you anything IMO. I guess. I feel like I owe people I don't know a polite negative response at minimum. But yeah that's true at the end of the day it's pretty easy to get a "no" from it. I just find the suspense awful. Edited August 5, 2015 by JC4
fitnessfan365 Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 It's like if you ask an employee at a store where something is, and if they don't have it the employee just ignores you. And you stand there for a while, maybe they're thinking, then you stand there some more, then you just end up annoyed, wondering "soooo.... where is it?". Well, I would. Haha.. It's funny because I also have an in store analogy I use for this topic as well. Let's say that you're browsing in a store and don't see anything that you like. Do you go up to an employee and say "I'm not interested in buying" or do you just leave the store? Online dating is a lot like shopping/sales. You browse and when you're not interested you just move on. 1
lil hoodlum Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 I would recommend not asking out girls online or though text. If you want a date with someone, do it face-to-face or over the phone. You have to step up to the plate, if you want to hit a home run. 4
Author JC4 Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 (edited) I would recommend not asking out girls online or though text. If you want a date with someone, do it face-to-face or over the phone. You have to step up to the plate, if you want to hit a home run. Always preferred when possible, of course! Although you just gave me a good idea. If I don't have any offline contact info for a girl, next time that happens I'm going to try asking her to hang out in some sort of non-date situation online; then attempting to get a date from there. Brilliant. You have to have a plate to step up to first, ha. Edited August 5, 2015 by JC4
Author JC4 Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 (edited) Haha.. It's funny because I also have an in store analogy I use for this topic as well. Let's say that you're browsing in a store and don't see anything that you like. Do you go up to an employee and say "I'm not interested in buying" or do you just leave the store? Online dating is a lot like shopping/sales. You browse and when you're not interested you just move on. Hey that's a way better analogy, makes sense to me! Thanks all. Edited August 5, 2015 by JC4
SycamoreCircle Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 NY OLD'er here. Couple of things: -You sound young, early to mid-twenties, yeah?(Bad age range for guys. I'm 39 and going for this age bracket and I'm sure a lot of other guys are too.) When I was in my early twenties and in New York, women asked my age. Once that was out of the way, I was able to go back to my sex-less, fun-with-hand-lotion life. -Women get flooded with messages. The Shining-level FLOODED. -You've really got to work the conversation up to a point where you feel you have a decent chance. You can gauge this by their degree of dialogue. If they're actually telling you sentences, compound sentences, dare I say paragraphs about themselves, go in for the kill. Otherwise you're just bathing in dishwater. -Don't ask them out. Instead, "Let do so-and-so..." or "Do so-and-so with me..." or "Meet me this..." Asking them if they are free is light on persuasion and weak, in my opinion. 1
katiegrl Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Haha.. It's funny because I also have an in store analogy I use for this topic as well. Let's say that you're browsing in a store and don't see anything that you like. Do you go up to an employee and say "I'm not interested in buying" or do you just leave the store? Online dating is a lot like shopping/sales. You browse and when you're not interested you just move on. Bad analogy IMO. If the sales clerk presents you with something he/she may think would interest you -- you would say "No thanks, I'm not interested." You wouldn't just ignore her and walk out...would you? Same thing if someone texts you asking if you're interested in meeting/getting together. You don't just ignore them. You respond back "no thank you, I'm not interested." Or something similar. Common courtesy. 3
Jame22 Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 -Women get flooded with messages. The Shining-level FLOODED. Use Tinder or Bumble. I have 10X more success on tinder than I do on OKC. Bumble is great too because the woman actually has to send the first message
smackie9 Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 Bumble is great too because the woman actually has to send the first message So either you get bombarded by uggos or all you get is crickets chirping. 2
Jame22 Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 So either you get bombarded by uggos or all you get is crickets chirping. No, you have to match first. So if a guy doesn't approve of a girl she'd never be able to send him a message in the first place. It's harder to get matches but at least you know they're interested in you. And if no one you're attracted to wants to talk to you it means your pictures suck and or you need to improve yourself.
mapofyourhead Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 If it's online, I don't respond to a lot of men because I do get a lot of messages and I don't want to spend time (politely) rejecting people. I used to respond back and let them know I wasn't interested, but I got some weirdos who persisted despite that and I eventually gave up trying, or people who got angry at me. I figure no answer is answer enough. If someone texts me and I'm not interested, I'll make an excuse and leave it at that (e.g. "Sorry, I'm pretty busy right now"). Most guys get it. If they persist, then eventually I'll say sorry, I'm not interested, but I don't really like saying that outright. Seems kinda mean. But I don't go silent unless the guy is really bothering me or not getting the hint. 2
torturedartist Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 Sometimes I ask girls out online or in text. The vast majority of times that a girl does not accept my invitation she simply doesn't respond, going silent forever, instead of just a simple "no". I don't feel like I'm doing anything over the top; usually it's a girl I've come across in real life but didn't have a chance to chat much, maybe I want to see her again and find out more, so we chat a little online and if it seems like we're friendly I'll ask in a pretty basic way like "Hey, are you free for coffee, a drink, or dinner some time this week?" etc. Sometimes girls will just say "No", or "Sorry not interested", which is totally fine. But the silence, which seems common, is agonizing. Is this normal? Is it me? Why do girls do this? I don't know if it matters but I'm in NYC, the girls I try to date are usually local, and everybody's in the 25-35 age range. (Oh and ladies, if you do do this and it's not just me, please stop, haha. It's such an awful feeling to be left hanging. "No" is totally cool.) The answer to your question is so obvious I'm almost embarrassed to provide you with it. The reason the girls just leave you hanging is because you've put them in a position where they can. I mean, if you were to meet them in person, they'd give you a definite yes or no, but in the medium of cyberspace, you have the option of saying nothing. You've obviously got a chip on your shoulder about this. I say let it go. One day your true love will come along. And then little birds will dress you in the morning. Just remember to leave a little food out for them. 2
Gary S Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 Let me tell you about the birds and the bees son...... yes, the silent treatment is normal when they are not attracted to you....... it's intuitive....... they don't want to to say "no" to your face because they don't know that well, don't know what your attitude is or how you'll take it..... you might try to rip their head off. Just let your intuition be your guide... recognize that they are not that into. It's not a problem.......there are plenty of fish in the sea, and you only need one. 3
Author JC4 Posted August 6, 2015 Author Posted August 6, 2015 If it's online, I don't respond to a lot of men because I do get a lot of messages and I don't want to spend time (politely) rejecting people. I used to respond back and let them know I wasn't interested, but I got some weirdos who persisted despite that and I eventually gave up trying, or people who got angry at me. I figure no answer is answer enough. If someone texts me and I'm not interested, I'll make an excuse and leave it at that (e.g. "Sorry, I'm pretty busy right now"). Most guys get it. If they persist, then eventually I'll say sorry, I'm not interested, but I don't really like saying that outright. Seems kinda mean. But I don't go silent unless the guy is really bothering me or not getting the hint. Thanks for this perspective. This makes sense. Guys, come on, man up and stop ruining it for the rest of us.
Author JC4 Posted August 6, 2015 Author Posted August 6, 2015 (edited) By the way, you guys are great. I wish I would have found this forum a long time ago. I definitely didn't expect so many thoughtful and insightful replies. Thanks! I'm actually 33 by the way. It's depressing, telling, but also a little bit hilarious, that the poster above guessed early 20's (I better back off with the "haha"s and "lol"s...). I'm a dating retard, but it looks like I found a good group of people to help whip me into shape. Edited August 6, 2015 by JC4
kendahke Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 In my most recent experience, when I was nice and told the man I wasn't interested, he got nasty and sarcastic about it. That's why I just don't bother with acknowledging messages. If I'm not interested, I block them so they don't show up in my feed. You never know what level of crazy awaits you when you turn them down. 3
oberkeat Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 (edited) Sometimes I ask girls out online or in text. The vast majority of times that a girl does not accept my invitation she simply doesn't respond, going silent forever, instead of just a simple "no". I don't feel like I'm doing anything over the top; usually it's a girl I've come across in real life but didn't have a chance to chat much, maybe I want to see her again and find out more, so we chat a little online and if it seems like we're friendly I'll ask in a pretty basic way like "Hey, are you free for coffee, a drink, or dinner some time this week?" etc. Sometimes girls will just say "No", or "Sorry not interested", which is totally fine. But the silence, which seems common, is agonizing. Is this normal? Is it me? Why do girls do this? I don't know if it matters but I'm in NYC, the girls I try to date are usually local, and everybody's in the 25-35 age range. (Oh and ladies, if you do do this and it's not just me, please stop, haha. It's such an awful feeling to be left hanging. "No" is totally cool.) It doesn't matter how they reject you. Who cares? The only thing that matters is that you keep looking until someone finally says yes. Edited August 6, 2015 by oberkeat Spelling 1
ZA Dater Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 I am going to come across as bitter but that's ok. Leaving people hanging is simply because its too difficult for some people to act decisively, its easier to do nothing than to simply be honest. Bottom line, its easier to give no answer than a honest answer.
PegNosePete Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Why do girls do this? Because often, when they reply with a polite "thanks but no thanks", the guy will respond with vitriol. "You're **** ugly anyway" "Oh think you're too good for me? Well think again your nothing special" "*** u then btch" etc... So after a few times, they learn that no response is the best way to avoid being flamed. Don't blame the women. Blame the idiot guys who do this stupid stuff. They are the ones making it difficult for the genuine guys. 5
ZA Dater Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Because often, when they reply with a polite "thanks but no thanks", the guy will respond with vitriol. "You're **** ugly anyway" "Oh think you're too good for me? Well think again your nothing special" "*** u then btch" etc... So after a few times, they learn that no response is the best way to avoid being flamed. Don't blame the women. Blame the idiot guys who do this stupid stuff. They are the ones making it difficult for the genuine guys. Don't agree, nobody is asking for justification, though I am of the opinion a reason why would be nice. People need to stop being so politically correct, what is so hard about telling it how it is in a polite way?
PegNosePete Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 what is so hard about telling it how it is in a polite way? It's pretty obvious really. When they do that, they are met with a torrent of abuse. So they stop doing it. If you got hit on the head whenever you pressed the "h" button on your keyboard, you'd pretty soon learn to type without using "h". Google Pavlov's dog 5
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