She's not in love with me anymore!!

[Witeee]

Hi friends,

 

My girlfriend and I are the typical on and off couple. Breaking up and always finding a way back to each other. Romantic as this might seem it is a struggle to say the least and I think we have come to a make or break situation.

 

I have hurt her a lot due to breaking up but for the past 3 years my heart and soul has been hers. Even if I struggle to show it. We promised we would always talk our problems out if ever they arose. So when she said she loves me but isn't in love with me anymore... even though I knew something was up... this was a huge blow.

 

Listening to her rhyme off my faults is hard but when I think about it I think she is right. I love her and want the best for her. I am her biggest fan. But I guess I come across as controlling because if she makes a decision I don't like. I'm not shy in showing it. I don't think it comes across how happy I am for her that she's doing her own thing.

 

She feels she has no control over the relationship. Like I decide what we watch on tv, when dinner is and we get engaged when I'm ready.

 

She says we're more like friends when we're together. We don't have sex much anymore but I find her health issues to be the cause. There is no passion. We are stuck in a rut though. We don't have a lot of money so we end up sitting in the house with a takeaway watching TV. Obviously a passion killer.

 

She says she wants a break but because we keep trying to escape each other and the situation. I suggested we start going out on dates again. No pressure and no expectations.

 

Its her birthday and I have bought her a couple of presents (prior to the revelation) I am planning on giving them to her on Saturday when we see each other.

 

What I want to know is. How should I play this? What do you recommend I do to bring the spark back? Is it a good idea to even go on dates? Or is the break more suitable? I know we'll have a good time. We always do when we're out. But having a good time as friends and romanticly are too different things. I dont want to come across as a love sick puppy! I still have to be a man about it. I want to change my ways. I don't want this to happen again. So I have to change for both our sakes or lose someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. What do you suggest?

Edited August 5, 2015 by Witeee

[oldshirt]

Hi friends,

 

My girlfriend and I are the typical on and off couple. Breaking up and always finding a way back to each other. Romantic as this might seem it is a struggle to say the least and I think we have come to a make or break situation.

 

I have hurt her a lot due to breaking up but for the past 3 years my heart and soul has been hers. Even if I struggle to show it. We promised we would always talk our problems out if ever they arose. So when she said she loves me but isn't in love with me anymore... even though I knew something was up... this was a huge blow.

 

Listening to her rhyme off my faults is hard but when I think about it I think she is right. I love her and want the best for her. I am her biggest fan. But I guess I come across as controlling because if she makes a decision I don't like. I'm not shy in showing it. I don't think it comes across how happy I am for her that she's doing her own thing.

 

She feels she has no control over the relationship. Like I decide what we watch on tv, when dinner is and we get engaged when I'm ready.

 

She says we're more like friends when we're together. We don't have sex much anymore but I find her health issues to be the cause. There is no passion. We are stuck in a rut though. We don't have a lot of money so we end up sitting in the house with a takeaway watching TV. Obviously a passion killer.

 

She says she wants a break but because we keep trying to escape each other and the situation. I suggested we start going out on dates again. No pressure and no expectations.

 

Its her birthday and I have bought her a couple of presents (prior to the revelation) I am planning on giving them to her on Saturday when we see each other.

 

What I want to know is. How should I play this? What do you recommend I do to bring the spark back? Is it a good idea to even go on dates? Or is the break more suitable? I know we'll have a good time. We always do when we're out. But having a good time as friends and romanticly are too different things. I dont want to come across as a love sick puppy! I still have to be a man about it. I want to change my ways. I don't want this to happen again. So I have to change for both our sakes or lose someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. What do you suggest?

 

 

In almost every single instance "I love you but not in love with you" aka (ILYBNILWY) means that there is another guy in the picture and her romantic/sexual interests have been transferred to him.

 

From your descriptions it sounds to me that this has been coming on for a long time and that your relationship has just ran its course and is coming to its conclusion.

 

The relationship has been going downhill for some time and so it is likely best if it is allowed to die a natural, dignified death rather than trying to save it and move it forward.

 

The time and energy and effort put into meeting new people and dating others will likely be more fruitful than the time, energy and effort put into saving this.

 

If you want to have a real BF/GF relationship, then NEVER settle for going out or spending time together as "friends." That will just burn up time, energy and money and will just lead to confusion, heartache and yearning. It will also slow down and hamper your ability to find someone that wants to have a full-service relationship with you.

 

Friends are your male buddies you can go fishing and bowling with and playing video games and drinking beer and farting with.

 

Dating is something you only do with someone who might be a realistic romantic/sexual partner.

 

Never confuse the two.

 

Tell her explicitly what you want and what your objectives are and where you want to go with the relationship. Her options are she can take it or leave it.

 

If she opts to take it, then she needs to follow through in good faith.

 

If she opts out, no harm, no foul, she is free to go. There may be tears and sadness but it is her prerogative and once she opts out she needs to give back your stuff and then move out of your way so that you can pursue the relationship you want without her in the way.

 

That is the way of the man.

[oldshirt]

Hi friends,

 

My girlfriend and I are the typical on and off couple. Breaking up and always finding a way back to each other. Romantic as this might seem it is a struggle to say the least and I think we have come to a make or break situation.

 

And BTW, that is not "romantic." It is not romantic. It's not cute. It's not healthy and going forward with your life do not allow it to be acceptable.

 

You either want to be in a relationship with someone or you don't. And People either want to be in a relationship with you or they don't.

 

If both people opt to be in the relationship then don't screw around with it or mess it up.

 

If one person doesn't want to be in a relationship, then it ain't happening and both walk. No foul and no judgement; it's just that it takes two people to make a relationship work so if one isn't in, then it ain't happening.

 

From now on adopt an all-in or all-out policy and do not tolerate anyone jerking you around with on again off again scenarios. And don't jerk anyone else around with that either.

 

That is a fools game.

[Witeee]

Thanks for your reply

 

While I agree with a lot of what you're saying. She seems incredibly confused. From past experience, breaks have worked, although I don't find value in that anymore because it is what we ALWAYS do. I'm of the belief that women are like dimmer switches. And if you do the right thing you can turn her up again. Especially if there's a past there and clear problems that need resolved within the relationship.

 

I am willing to admit I have completely neglected the relationship in relation to what she needs. And I'm willing to change. She did say "I don't think you'll change".

 

I would probably advise the same as you and its probably quite frustrating to see me plow ahead. And you might be right. However I've been on forums before and been told the same and turned it around.

[Got it]

Thanks for your reply

 

While I agree with a lot of what you're saying. She seems incredibly confused. From past experience, breaks have worked, although I don't find value in that anymore because it is what we ALWAYS do. I'm of the belief that women are like dimmer switches. And if you do the right thing you can turn her up again. Especially if there's a past there and clear problems that need resolved within the relationship.

 

I am willing to admit I have completely neglected the relationship in relation to what she needs. And I'm willing to change. She did say "I don't think you'll change".

 

I would probably advise the same as you and its probably quite frustrating to see me plow ahead. And you might be right. However I've been on forums before and been told the same and turned it around.

 

Why does it take her saying she doesn't love you to get you to even begin to attempt to stop neglecting her needs?

 

Why should she believe you now?

 

Sorry, when I am done I am done. So when I say I don't love you anymore, or love you in a familial way then there is no dimmer switch. The light is off. It's pitch black.

[Quiet Storm]

The breaking up and getting back together is a sign of immaturity and that you aren't ready to be in a relationship.

 

Maybe your issues could have been resolved if you had addressed them much sooner. Now the resentment has killed her attraction for you.

 

I think you should both work on yourselves for awhile. You don't want someone that feels like they need to escape from you. She will feel oppressed, and you will miss out on having someone that genuinely likes you and wants to be with you.

 

Long term relationships require compromise, and a light heartedness that makes little things funny instead of building resentment. For example, I get tired of watching WWE sometimes. So I installed a remote control app on my phone, and I'll just occasionally switch from WWE to Dr. Drew or Nancy Grace as a joke . Or Ill just grab the remote and he'll chase me around the room, laughing. We don't let little things like that build resentment. Instead, we are playful about it.

[oldshirt]

She's not confused. She is dissatisfied and wants something or someone different, she just doesn't have this other guy secured down yet.

 

Both of you are ambivalent about the relationship but both of you are afraid to cut the cord for good.

 

She is afraid to lose the security of having someone she can call a BF, and you are afraid of losing your sex supplier.

 

You are not being held together by love or devotion, you are being held together by fear of the unknown. Decisions based on fear are very rarely the right decisions.

 

You may be able to turn this around and get her back, but that that doesn't mean you should.

[Witeee]

Hi, thanks for your responses. I know this is old but yes we did end up breaking up. She removed me from facebook and we have had no communication for two and a half months now. While I know the mistakes I made and the toxicity of the relationship; I still love her. I don't want her back because I do agree we need to work on ourselves. She has never gotten over the times I've hurt her and while I wanted to work at it I know her resentment pushed me away. Which in turn left her disatisfied. Who knows what can happen in the future but right now... this is for the best.