Daisyhale Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Hello! My wonderful boyfriend and I are in the midst of a possible break/break-up. I am hoping to salvage the situation, but am unsure of how to proceed. By background, we have been together for two years. We have had our differences on and off, however I had never doubted my love for him until recently. I am 31 and he is 35. Before me, he had never had a serious girlfriend. He spent alot of time on his own and focused on his hobbies. He is a very independent guy and has always had difficulty with being in a "partnership." He is amazingly passionate which I love about him and for the most part he treated me very well. I know that he loved me dearly at one point. However, his passionate side would also turn into anger quite quickly. He does lose patience easily and seemingly miniscule issues would turn into large fights. He would give me the silent treatment for hours or days which would leave me feeling quite unloved. However, I admit that I have also contributed to our problems. I have been in many relationships before and have been burned in the past. I have more difficulty with trusting people. His anger and silent treatment regimes would often leave me seeking his approval and becoming needy. I would often just go along with what he wanted in order to avoid a fight. But I felt that I was starting to lose myself. The more I started sticking up for myself, the worse our fights would get. He wanted me to be more independent and have my own life. Which I did, however most of my close friends do not live in the same city so I became friends with his friends. After he said that (two weeks ago) I started going out more with other friends and he became upset about that as he thought they were bad influences. It all seems so silly. I started saying things during fights like "maybe we aren't right for each other" which clearly upset him. He asked me to stop staying that. Unfortunately, during a fight on Monday I said it again. I had just came back from a weekend trip with a girlfriend and he did not answer my texts or calls which is unusual for him (I only sent one text and one call nothing crazy). I was upset when I came home that he had not spoken to me and he told me that he was worried that I would "cause problems in our relationship" when I got home as the friend that I had gone with was newly single. The next day he said he wanted to take a break. I asked for one more chance to make it work and acknowledged my part in the problems and told him how I planned to change. He agreed to another chance, but I can tell he is really uncertain. I would not be surprised if he came home and decided to break it off. I want to prevent that. I'm just not sure how to play my cards right now...we are supposed to go on a week-long camping trip this weekend but I'm not sure at this point if he will want to or if it is even a good idea. I do still love him and really we were both happy up until about two weeks ago when these issues really started to surface. I don't feel that two bad weeks should cancel out the last two years. We have so much in common and I still see some love for me in his eyes. Any advice would be helpful!
StalwartMind Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 I always find it positive when someone is willing to admit, that they've also contributed to the problems in any kind of relationship. Ideally none of us want issues or conflicts, but when personalities can be so different, it is almost impossible to not have them. Whomever is to blame the most, is for that matter irrelevant as you want to find a way to make things work. Sometimes the people around us, even those that are for the most part very sweet, caring and kind, can have a very set in stone view of something, which will always break an otherwise good connection. A lot of humans want to change others because of their own preferences, this can be both good and bad, it greatly depends on how one goes about it. I'm not here to take sides, but when he tells you to become more independent and you did, but apparently that wasn't good enough either. To me this borderline controlling, even if that's not his intention. How do you personally feel the ratio is when it comes to "effort" put into the relationship? He seems to shut down things, by either getting upset, giving you the silent treatment and otherwise being very set in his own ways. By all means this isn't impossible to adapt to, but if you are the one who has to make most sacrifices, it can quickly become a one sided affair. I certainly understand why you'd think "maybe we aren't fight for each other", that is sort of my overall impression too, but even so it's not for me to judge, but I don't really think that's the best way to react in an upset. It is hurtful, even if perhaps from your perspective it's to indirectly force out a reaction of him, to show you that he does care about you. I will always appreciate communication because it can ensure a relationship being healthy. Do you ever have heart to heart conversations with him, sometimes it can help break barriers and move things in a better direction. If someone lacks patience that is another reason why things can go sour rapidly, even so I believe everyone can learn to improve that. Rushing into assumptions about others can lead to many unneeded conflicts and feeling less loved. Since you do have so much in common, it feels most of all if you both put in the effort to fine tune some of the areas where you typically go wrong with each other, then you'd be set for something really solid. It is however not something one person can do, he needs to be involved with this as well. When two people sincerely care about each other, they also know the importance of listening to each other. Having negative thoughts about each other or things in general, can often be a self fulfilling prophecy. I wholeheartedly agree with that 2 bad weeks should not cancel out 2 years, especially if they for the most part were great. We often forget in an upset all the wonderful things someone has done for us over a long period of time. If we can better remind ourselves of this, even by bringing those exact words up to our partner, then if both are sensible, they should also realize that all the small things like bickering and frustrations are issues that are best to overcome. Hopefully you'll make him realize all this too, there literally is no reason to always give up so quickly which I feel many people do these days.
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