Finding things to do?

[keebee]

Hi everyone! I was in a 7-year-relationship (that resulted in a marriage and a four year old child). Way too soon after it ended, I got into a relationship with a guy who I loved, but completely disappeared on me after six months (no real breakup or anything).

 

Because I was coupled up for so long, I'm struggling to focus on myself and find things to do for myself. Obviously I spend a ton of time with my daughter and do lots of fun things with her, but how do I find hobbies? Almost all of my adult life has been spent in relationships where I basically lost myself to cater to someone else.

 

Now, whenever I start feeling depressed or down, my first instinct is to go on a dating site and look for guys, even though I know that getting into a relationship would be a HUGE mistake for me right now. I just don't know how else to be! How do I start finding out??

[Gus Grimly]

.... even though I know that getting into a relationship would be a HUGE mistake for me right now. I just don't know how else to be! How do I start finding out??

I think you know that you're not quite ready to search for someone new. You miss the comfort, affection and intimacy.

 

The Search engine is your friend. Use it to discover stuff you are interested. Maybe take an adult class or go to a Ted Talk. Do you have many friends? Maybe you can start going out with the girls more often.

[jen1447]

What other kinds of things do you like to do? Ever? No one is 100% a dater/romancer.

 

It does seem to be the case that we fall into 'easy' habits. Looking for guys online probably requires little effort and I assume it has a quick if limited payoff in the form of little interactions and whatnot. Sometimes we have to force ourselves to get into the 'hard' stuff. (Think ppl who want to exercise but don't.)

[keebee]

Thanks Gus and jen! I definitely do think I'm just missing the intimacy and being part of a couple. When I find myself missing my ex, since it's been over a month since I've spoken to him and closer to 7 weeks since I've seen him, I try to replace the memory/image in my head with a random celebrity guy I'm mad about (Eddie Redmayne right now, ha!) to see if the image makes me as happy. It does, and that makes me realize that there's nothing I specifically miss about my *ex*, I just miss that he *was*, since he wasn't a particularly good or thoughtful or giving boyfriend. He was actually quite selfish and disregarded my feelings and put very little effort in.

 

I like the ideas of TED talks or adult classes, I didn't even think of searching for those, but I'm big into intellectual growth and emotional growth.

 

jen, I'm not really sure what else I do, which I think is part of my problem! I got w/ my XH when I was 20. Since then I've been either taking care of him or taking care of a child, and for a short time, focusing on the exboyfriend. The vast majority of my time is spent working and/or taking care of my almost-5-year-old. It's been so LONG since I've been myself and known my passions that I don't know what to do with myself when I do have time.

[jen1447]

What did you like to do when you were a kid?

[Satu]

Consider learning to fly.

 

Believe it or not, it's a very social activity.

 

Take a trial lesson to see if like it.

[Ronni_W]

I like the ideas of TED talks or adult classes, I didn't even think of searching for those, but I'm big into intellectual growth and emotional growth.

That is AWESOME! For personal growth, there are so many different routes you can take: write a children's story, specifically with your daughter in mind -- enlist her to help you develop it. (Not necessarily to get published, just for yourself and for her, individually and as the team that you are.) Add to that...go to YouTube or the library or wherever, and learn basic drawing/illustration...get your daughter to add her own drawings to the storybook that you two are creating.

 

Or, NOT a children's story. A book about your personal journey; or something that you realize you're passionate about; or a mystery novel.

 

Or, at the local library, perhaps...check what's needed to start a "parent-child" reading circle or creative-art group or somesuch. It just needs some (dollar-store) paper and crayons and glitter-glue...the parents and children will add all else that will make it fun. Maybe the library funds it; maybe it's a dollar or two to participate, so no single person is responsible for laying out a bunch of cash.

 

Or, NOT a children's reading circle. An adult reading/growth circle; maybe you pick a specific TED talk and then the group gets together to add value; individual insights, perspectives.

 

Or, start a blog. Fashion or photography or "how I rediscovered the 'Awesome Me' in me, as a single mom".