Facebook, texting and emotional cheating.

[deadelvis]

Break up with her.

 

 

Dude, you clearly don't trust her. You clearly need to investigate every single thing.

 

Why are you doing this to yourself? Either trust that she wants to be with you now or end it.

 

But what about the constant lying about her past? Is that normal or ok? Am I out of line for expecting my partner to be honest about her past? Seems fairly logical that we should always be honest with our partners. Clearly she thinks lying about her past is an acceptable behavior. I however struggle to understand how any lie is ok in a relationship.

 

Especially when it's about people she still stays in contact with.

 

I am crazy for expecting honesty?

 

I don't trust her because she is constantly lying to me...

 

Isn't that painfully obvious?

 

Every time I start to trust her again I catch her in a lie. And always about some dude she used to screw.

 

So then I lose my trust again and we start over with the whole "please don't lie to me because it makes it really hard for me to trust you" conversation. Currently I'm at 0% trust because I just caught her lying. Soon I've be up to about 50%... then I'll catch her in a lie and reset the trust meter back to 0%. Repeat, repeat... repeat.

Edited August 6, 2015 by deadelvis

[kendahke]

But what about the constant lying about her past? Is that normal or ok? Am I out of line for expecting my partner to be honest about her past? Seems fairly logical that we should always be honest with our partners. Clearly she thinks lying about her past is an acceptable behavior.

 

What about the constant lying? Even if she told you the truth, you're always going to be convinced she's not telling the truth. There really is no answer that is going to satisfy you because you want to hear what you want to hear, not necessarily the truth and she knows that.

 

I however struggle to understand how any lie is ok in a relationship.

 

Especially when it's about people she still stays in contact with.

 

I am crazy for expecting honesty?

 

I don't trust her because she is constantly lying to me...

 

Isn't that painfully obvious?

Then WHY DO YOU STAY WITH A LIAR?

 

It ceases at this point to be about her now and become all about you. YOU are the one insisting upon staying with her. I don't get why you enjoy tormenting yourself unless you don't feel as if you deserve better.

 

Every time I start to trust her again I catch her in a lie. And always about some dude she used to screw.

 

Why in God's name would you ever trust a pathological liar? What does that say about you? You're not the victim here: you're purposely putting yourself into this and staying in this for some really weak, feeble and lame reasons.

 

So then I lose my trust again and we start over with the whole "please don't lie to me because it makes it really hard for me to trust you" conversation. Currently I'm at 0% trust because I just caught her lying. Soon I've be up to about 50%... then I'll catch her in a lie and reset the trust meter back to 0%. Repeat, repeat... repeat.

 

You know what? She's going to lie to you. Count on it. Expect it. Set your clock to it. It's who and what she is and you've known it for a long, long time. It's not like she broke this out on you 2 days ago.

 

She's going to keep on lying to you because 1. she wants to and 2. you stay for it. You whine, you moan, you tantrum, but you stay put. And she knows you're not going anywhere, so why should she change up her tack for you or any guy? This is working for her. In her eyes, "if it ain't broke, dont' fix it." It ain't broke to her. There you are, seething in the corner, giving her the stank side eye--but you're not leaving. That tells me that you need this and you need her for some strange, odd reason that probably has to do with your sense of self worth cause here's the truth: if you felt you deserved better, you'd have been out of that a long, long time ago. That's what emotionally healthy people do--they remove themselves from those who are causing them pain.

 

There is no reason on earth why she should change up because there are no serious and real consequences that would cause her to change. You might as well get used to this and be quiet and content if you insist upon remaining with her.

 

When you look at yourself in the mirror, do you like the person you have/have to become in order to keep this chick in your life? Are you seriously that desperate for sex and a girlfriend that you settle for this?

[LoveRefreshed]

I understand why you don't trust her.

 

 

She probably is sick of all of your insecurities and lies to keep it from being a big ****ing deal. NOW, with that being said, I wouldn't want her talking to ex lovers either. That I can understand.

 

 

The problem is that she is. And that she lies. And that you keep catching her. That it keeps pissing you off. That you haven't done what is needed.. ending it. Move on. Break up with her. You guys aren't a match.

[kendahke]

And for the record, it really doesn't matter what we think about how she's proceeding--we're not trying to eff her. If it's offensive to you, that's the end of the discussion. The time for posting and posting and posting is over and it's time for action on your part. You have two choices: stay and be subjected to her antics or leave and not be subjected to her antics. But nobody but your girlfriend can make your girlfriend do/act right. None of us nor any of our opinions can do it.

[sweeeeetie82]

It's time you find another girl.

I don't think it's gonna stop, she's gonna continue doing what she likes, so find a girl who's willing to give you her undivided attention, problem solved, you won't have to worry anymore!

[deadelvis]

Well I think I'm just feeling conflicted because on one hand I'm feeling like

 

"It's totally okay to lie about your past, everyone does it, and I'm making a way bigger deal about it than I should. She only lies about her past. I should just stop asking questions about her past and then she'll stop lying about it. Problem solved"

 

but on the other hand I feel like

 

"Dude. She's lying to you constantly and feels absolutely no guilt or remorse about it. Do you really want to start a long term relationship with someone who has proven themself to be a liar over and over again? Dump her ASAP!"

[LoveRefreshed]

I would say this man.

 

 

If your gf is attractive, 75% of the guys in her life that aren't family want to sleep with her. Just accept it.

 

 

Girls are 'oblivious' to this (I don't know how, but when I talk to girls and I'm like it's obvious he wants to sleep with you, they're all like no way, he just thinks of me as a friend", pff)

 

 

 

 

Accept that you are not her first person she has slept with. Nothing else matters, it doesn't matter if it was 40 guys, 3 at a time, or 1 guy 5000 times in a year. She and you both are not virgins. Let it go.

 

 

Now, all of your preconceived ideas of who she is, let go. Look at her for who she is, stop questioning her all the time. Watch her behavior, does she exhibit that she genuinely cares and loves you? Then move forward with her.

 

 

If you can't do that, break up with her. I'm sorry to keep saying that, but sometimes things get ****ed and it has to happen.

[deadelvis]

I would say this man.

 

 

If your gf is attractive, 75% of the guys in her life that aren't family want to sleep with her. Just accept it.

 

 

Girls are 'oblivious' to this (I don't know how, but when I talk to girls and I'm like it's obvious he wants to sleep with you, they're all like no way, he just thinks of me as a friend", pff)

 

 

 

 

Accept that you are not her first person she has slept with. Nothing else matters, it doesn't matter if it was 40 guys, 3 at a time, or 1 guy 5000 times in a year. She and you both are not virgins. Let it go.

 

 

Now, all of your preconceived ideas of who she is, let go. Look at her for who she is, stop questioning her all the time. Watch her behavior, does she exhibit that she genuinely cares and loves you? Then move forward with her.

 

 

If you can't do that, break up with her. I'm sorry to keep saying that, but sometimes things get ****ed and it has to happen.

 

Yeah, she's drop dead gorgeous and totally in denial about her male friends, even when she's already had sex with most of them, she thinks they are "just friends". The truth is every man in her life is an orbiter. She's literally a perfect 10. Probably the hottest woman I've ever met.

 

But I agree about just letting go of her past. She's told me about doing some crazy ****, and whatever crazy **** she hasn't told me about is probably off the meter type crazy. At this point it's not even about what she's done in the past, it's about the lying. But I guess I need to just accept that women lie about their past and let it go. But I honestly think I will always look at her as a liar, and suspect that she's hidden tons of stuff from me. I'm sure someday the truth will come out from someone else (people love to gossip) and I'll have to confront her about the lying. I can pretend it doesn't bother me and let go of her past and previous lies, but I'm not sure I will ever really trust her.

[sweeeeetie82]

There's no trust, communication or honesty in your relationship.

 

I think it's time for a change.

[Versacehottie]

oh god, not sure why i'm dragging myself back into this:

 

most other people in healthy relationships don't lie on the regular. Some do. Even ones who generally don't lie will throw in a white lie every now and then. Almost all other people have not such a huge obsession about their partner's past! Yours strikes me as very abnormal--to the point that I'm not even sure that she is doing all the stuff you say she is doing but that you are so hyper-jealous you are making stuff up in your own head.

 

I've said it before on your other threads. I will say it again. It's a sick game and there's a part of it that you enjoy. Period. I think part of it at least is that you get off thinking she was/is very desirable to other guys but she's yours now. (which is funny but I will go with it). And with her current stance on having sex with you and in which ways, I think you are having an internal struggle where you do see why you don't elicit the same response in her that other guys did/do. And you don't want to let her go until you do. I think it has little to do with who she is now--though she could possibly be just as messed up--probably so because I don't know anyone normal who would put up with the constant badgering you are doing too her.

 

FYI. decide what you want gf or wh*re and get comfortable with it. Then let her be one or the other.

[Versacehottie]

Yeah, she's drop dead gorgeous and totally in denial about her male friends, even when she's already had sex with most of them, she thinks they are "just friends". The truth is every man in her life is an orbiter. She's literally a perfect 10. Probably the hottest woman I've ever met.

 

But I agree about just letting go of her past. She's told me about doing some crazy ****, and whatever crazy **** she hasn't told me about is probably off the meter type crazy. At this point it's not even about what she's done in the past, it's about the lying. But I guess I need to just accept that women lie about their past and let it go. But I honestly think I will always look at her as a liar, and suspect that she's hidden tons of stuff from me. I'm sure someday the truth will come out from someone else (people love to gossip) and I'll have to confront her about the lying. I can pretend it doesn't bother me and let go of her past and previous lies, but I'm not sure I will ever really trust her.

 

Sweetie, in LA there are hot girls everywhere. 10's all around. And the escorting doesn't even come into play. You are bamboozled.

[deadelvis]

Well, my obsession with her past came from her secrecy about it. She was always very dodgy about her past, and many of her stories left me with a sense that she's got skeletons galore. She starts stories out like "I was at this sex party once..." and then when I ask her about it she's always like "oh no I was just there for the free drinks, I'm not that type of girl" yeah ****ing right...

 

I do not "get off" on her sexual history. I find it disgusting but I've learned to accept it and not judge her for her past. I've done some crazy **** too, and honestly at this point no matter what she told me I wouldn't be surprised or even upset. What I am upset about is the constant ****ing lying.

 

I'm not just paranoid or making **** up in my head. I know for a fact she's been with over 50 men, been with multiple men at once, had sex for money etc. etc. etc. She was crazy as ****. I know that much, but I think thats just the tip of the iceberg. I just want her to tell me the truth so we don't get married and have kids and then find out she was doing gangbang porn in LA for the past 10 years. I just want the ****ing truth.

 

I could get over whatever she tells me, but the ****ing lying is making me lose my feelings for her.

Edited August 6, 2015 by deadelvis

[kendahke]

. I just want her to tell me the truth so we don't get married and have kids and then find out she was doing gangbang porn in LA for the past 10 years. I just want the ****ing truth.

 

 

You wouldn't believe her if she told you, so what's the point.

 

You can not have children with her by dumping her now and finding someone who hasn't had a colorful past or has lied about said past. You act like it's a foregone conclusion that you have to remain with her.

[deadelvis]

You wouldn't believe her if she told you, so what's the point.

 

Is she told me she had, I would certainly believe that.

 

You can not have children with her by dumping her now and finding someone who hasn't had a colorful past or has lied about said past. You act like it's a foregone conclusion that you have to remain with her.

 

It's really not even the colorful past that bothers me. It's the lying about it.

 

 

It's not that I think she lies about everything. When she does admit things about her past I know she's telling the truth. But she's not exactly the smoothest liar. Sometimes when topics come up (BDSM, gangbangs, prostitution) she gets nervous and displays extremely suspicious behavior. Also when I ask her about which of her "friends" she's had sex with she starts acting really nervous. I'm just about ready to throw in the towel. We have an amazing life together, a cute little apartment and a great relationship. She's really been an amazing partner aside from the lying, but I'm just at a loss over this whole honesty issue. I seriously would not even care at this point what the truth was. Even if she did spend the past 10 years making gangbang porn I think I'd actually be relieved just to finally get the truth from her. Then maybe we could move forward without this huge cloud of dishonesty hanging over the relationship.

Edited August 6, 2015 by deadelvis

[MissBee]

What is an appropriate use of facebook? What is emotional cheating? Where are the boundaries when it comes to texting with members of the opposite sex?

 

Had a massive fight (break up?) with my GF last night about her use of facebook chat and texting other men. We have way different ideas about what is "normal" or "appropriate". I think her chatting with other men is essentially emotional cheating. She thinks it's harmless.

 

What do other couples consider a normal and healthy boundary with this type of stuff?

 

What she posts, likes, and comments on are fairly appropriate, but she is constantly chatting with other past (future?) lovers and sexual partners. Is this normal or ok? I don't use facebook chatting or texting much. I just call people on the phone or send them a short text like "call me", so it's been really difficult to understand why she has 5-10 ongoing facebook chats with other men. It seems like cheating to me. She thinks it's totally ok and harmless. Am I just old fashioned or something? How do other couples approach this?

 

You've had this problem for a while now, twisted and turned in different ways and it all boils down to the same thing:

 

You aren't compatible having been unable to resolve appropriate boundaries as a couple and you don't trust her. That's the crux of the matter here.

 

It might be best to leave things broken and end them because it doesn't seem like she will see things as you do and that you'll ever be comfortable, which is fine, it may simply be that your styles are not a match. It doesn't matter what other people find appropriate IMO, as each couple is different and it's more important that you and the person you're with have worked out what is right for you two, and you two obviously haven't been able to, and maybe you never will, which might mean moving on to a relationship where this isn't an ongoing problem and where you can agree on what's appropriate and where you're both happy to stick to it and where you aren't distrustful.

[MissBee]

She is a great person. I know I've complained on here about our relationship so much it's hard to believe it, but she is pretty amazing, otherwise I would have left long ago. She does have a promiscuous past, and she's struggled with honesty, but I still love her very much. And I really think in her mind she's done nothing wrong. All her past relationships were either open relationships or full of cheating. And I think she really just doesn't understand how to be in a normal relationship. She can't seem to grasp that chatting with other men about our relationship problems is emotional cheating. I keep hoping at some point it will just click in her mind and she will realize that she's not being respectful, but I guess it's not likely. She's always stressed the fact that people can change. But I feel like she hasn't changed as much as she pretends. I don't think she would ever physically cheat on me, but she has been acting single while in relationships her whole life, and she really doesn't seem to understand that being in a relationship means you have to behave differently than you do when you're single. I've been in faithful long term relationships my whole adult life, so being a good boyfriend comes naturally to me. This whole thing has been heartbreaking.

 

Sounds like the classic case of a codependent relationship, where one person, the codependent is miserable, having emotional break downs, is in despair but cannot leave their messed up relationship because of "!ove" and they just get angry, resentful make excuses, keep hoping and all for naught as their partner continuously cheats, drinks, gambles, disrespect them, has no need us Aries abuses them and you name the offense.

 

They go around and around in circles in pain with this person and it's insanity really.

 

You should read the book The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us. You might recognize yourself in it and may hopefully come to terms with where you are with this woman and why and how to move forward. Ultimately, Codependents like control, they want to control other people's behaviors, thoughts, feelings, etc and they cannot. That's what it is with you and your gf, oh she would be perfect if she did this and that and would stop this or that behavior and if you spy on her and basically control she will morph into who you need... Yet it hadn't worked and won't work and Codependents can't grasp that so keep staying because the think one day it will all resolve itself and it doesn't so they drive themselves and everyone everyone else crazy doing the same things over and over with the same results.

[smackie9]

I certainly don't think I can change her past. And I wouldn't want to. We are all the product of our past experiences and I wouldn't want her to be anything but what she is. I love her for who she is, past and present. But what I do want is very simple.

 

1. Tell me the truth about your past. And don't lie to me about anything ever again.

2. Stop having inappropriate relationships with other men.

3. Explain to me why you have no interest in sex anymore and help me to understand why you went from a nympho to a prude. Because my current lack of understanding regarding this issue has caused me to take it very personally

She is doing everything she can to get rid of you but you cling onto her leg and she can't seem to shake you off.

[carhill]

Heh, good catch. Souring the milk.

[deadelvis]

Well, some interesting closure to this saga. Last night we sat down and had a long talk about everything. I told her I didn't trust her and I needed to have a really honest conversation about her past, honesty and open communication. We were both calm and mature as we talked about it and we finally laid everything out.

 

She was lying about her past. There were some things she had done in the time just before we started dating that she didn't want me to know about because she was afraid I would be upset and look down on her, or perhaps even leave her. The irony is that none of the things she was hiding from me were even very bad. A couple one night stands and are no big deal compared to the other stories she's already volunteered. Why she would lie about those few specific encounters escapes me. I think maybe because it was right before we started dating. She kinda ran through a large number of guys right before we started dating and I think she had some regrets about it. And a lot of them are total losers, creeps and scumbags. But I could really care less about a few regretful one night stands. I'm just so glad she finally told me the truth.

 

It was a hard conversation for her, finally telling the truth and admitting she had been hiding things and lying to me. But I was just so relieved to finally have her open up and tell me the truth, it was a huge weight off my chest. Now we can finally move forward with our relationship and I won't spend the rest of my life feeling distrusting of my partner. And hopefully she feels better too after finally coming clean.

 

It hurt her a lot when I told her I don't trust her anymore. I think that's when she realized she could no longer continue lying to me. I made it clear that if she couldn't be honest with me then I would never trust her and our relationship would be dead in the water. She came forward with what I really believe was the full truth. She filled in the gaps in a few stories from her past that she hadn't been completely honest about previously and explained a few hookups she hadn't wanted me to know about. But after spending the past few months imagining the worst possible scenarios, anything she could have told me was a welcome relief from my own fears and suspicions.

 

Hopefully we will be able to have a normal life now. A relationship with trust, honesty and open communication. Although I must say, now that I'm giving her my trust... if I ever find out she's lied to me again, I will be crushed and I will leave her without any hesitation.

 

The moral of the story? Never lie to your partner. What may seem like a harmless white lie can plant seeds of mistrust in your partner that will snowball and grow inside them until it completely erodes their trust for you and snuffs out their feelings of love. Lying in a relationship is never ok. No matter how difficult the truth is, lying is never the right solution. Own your behavior. Be honest with yourself and your partner. And overall if you are engaging in actions or behaviors that you are going to feel remorseful about later, or be tempted to lie about... perhaps you should look in the mirror and tell yourself "If I'm doing things right now that I'm going to feel ashamed of and lie about in the future, maybe I need to make better life choices" People lie because they have regrets about the choices they made. You can't undo the mistakes you've already made, but you can own up to those choices and take accountability for your actions. And once you do that, it's a lot easier to start making the right decisions.

 

Forgiveness only comes when we can accept the truth in ourselves and in others. If you are living behind a veil of dishonesty everything you say or do will be tainted by those transgressions.

 

“Truth is singular. Its 'versions' are mistruths.”

― David Mitchell, Cloud Atlas

 

“I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”

― Maya Angelou

 

 

 

Elvis has left the building.

Edited August 7, 2015 by deadelvis

[kendahke]

It's not that I think she lies about everything.

 

But she lies. It really makes no difference what kind of lie it is--it's a lie. People who lie about small, insignificant, stupid things will lie about huge, significant, important things if it suits their selfish purpose.

 

the pink must be really, really good...

[writergal]

But she lies. It really makes no difference what kind of lie it is--it's a lie. People who lie about small, insignificant, stupid things will lie about huge, significant, important things if it suits their selfish purpose.

 

the pink must be really, really good...

 

I agree with the above^. How do you know she didn't just feed you more lies -- tell you what you wanted to hear? Once a liar shows you her/his true colors, you can't trust them to ever tell you the truth, because they won't. She could look you straight in the eyes, speak in a calm voice, and totally be lying to you.

[deadelvis]

She only lied about her past because she felt ashamed. She gave me the passwords to her phone and facebook. She said she's never lied about anything except her sexual history and she has nothing to hide. I'm big enough to accept that and move forward. I had already forgiven her in my heart for lying about her past. Many people do it. I'm just glad she finally told me the truth.

[deadelvis]

I could tell she was telling me the truth, the same as I could tell she was lying before. I really don't think she will lie to me anymore.

[elaine567]

I realize now why he didn't want let her go, no matter what.

She is his perfect 10, the hottest girl he has ever known.

Men...

[autumnnight]

There are two morals to this story:

 

Never lie to your partner

 

Don't date anyone who is obsessive and controlling