Facebook, texting and emotional cheating.

[deadelvis]

She is a great person. I know I've complained on here about our relationship so much it's hard to believe it, but she is pretty amazing, otherwise I would have left long ago. She does have a promiscuous past, and she's struggled with honesty, but I still love her very much. And I really think in her mind she's done nothing wrong. All her past relationships were either open relationships or full of cheating. And I think she really just doesn't understand how to be in a normal relationship. She can't seem to grasp that chatting with other men about our relationship problems is emotional cheating. I keep hoping at some point it will just click in her mind and she will realize that she's not being respectful, but I guess it's not likely. She's always stressed the fact that people can change. But I feel like she hasn't changed as much as she pretends. I don't think she would ever physically cheat on me, but she has been acting single while in relationships her whole life, and she really doesn't seem to understand that being in a relationship means you have to behave differently than you do when you're single. I've been in faithful long term relationships my whole adult life, so being a good boyfriend comes naturally to me. This whole thing has been heartbreaking.

[joseb]

Stop making yourself miserable and break up.

In a few months you will wonder what the hell you ever saw in her

[mrldii]

She is a great person. I know I've complained on here about our relationship so much it's hard to believe it, but she is pretty amazing, otherwise I would have left long ago.She does have a promiscuous past......

 

"Promiscuous" is a subjective term and you are subjecting her to your determination that her past is "promiscuous" by your standards.

 

and she's struggled with honesty...

 

No, she hasn't...you have; you believe she has not been 100% honest with you and that she is withholding something(s). So much so, that you were perfectly willing to download an app that promises to "translate (her) sleep-talking" for you to reveal those past secrets you think she's hiding.

 

...but I still love her very much. And I really think in her mind she's done nothing wrong...

 

Perhaps this is because based on her criteria, she hasn't done anything wrong and what "she's done wrong" is in YOUR mind and based on YOUR criteria.

...All her past relationships were either open relationships or full of cheating. And I think she really just doesn't understand how to be in a normal relationship...

 

Again, "normal", by your standards.

 

...She can't seem to grasp that chatting with other men about our relationship problems is emotional cheating. I keep hoping at some point it will just click in her mind and she will realize that she's not being respectful, but I guess it's not likely...

 

Oddly, many of us keep hoping that at some point something will click in your mind that you're not being respectful of/to her, either, but it never does...so perhaps she's just following your lead.

...She's always stressed the fact that people can change. But I feel like she hasn't changed as much as she pretends. I don't think she would ever physically cheat on me, but she has been acting single while in relationships her whole life, and she really doesn't seem to understand that being in a relationship means you have to behave differently than you do when you're single...

 

No, it doesn't; there are plenty of people who are happily in open relationships and "act just like [they] did when [they] were single". To be in a relationship with YOU means she has to behave differently than when she was single.

...I've been in faithful long term relationships my whole adult life, so being a good boyfriend comes naturally to me...

 

Just because you've been in "faithful, long term relationships" does NOT mean you are a "good boyfriend", naturally or otherwise. As a matter of fact, your obsession with her 'dirty, filthy, disgusting, and promiscuous past' and your insistence that she tell you every single detail, sparing NOthing, on top of your insistence that no matter how much she tells you, it is NOT the whole truth...you just know it!!!...is about as far from the definition of "a good boyfriend" that I'd ever come up with, regardless of how vast - or limited - my sexual past is.

...This whole thing has been heartbreaking...

 

Of course it is...you've designed it to be.

[deadelvis]

"Promiscuous" is a subjective term and you are subjecting her to your determination that her past is "promiscuous" by your standards

 

Well, I think she was promiscuous by anyone's standards. 50+ people by 30 years old is promiscuous. That's pretty obvious.

 

No, she hasn't...you have; you believe she has not been 100% honest with you and that she is withholding something(s). So much so, that you were perfectly willing to download an app that promises to "translate (her) sleep-talking" for you to reveal those past secrets you think she's hiding.

 

I've caught her in lies. And she's come forward with the truth at times, and admitted to lying about it previously. But no, I don't think she's been 100% honest with me. And generally if a person gets caught in numerous lies, it's a safe bet they will continue to lie in the future.

 

Perhaps this is because based on her criteria, she hasn't done anything wrong and what "she's done wrong" is in YOUR mind and based on YOUR criteria.

 

Well that's true. Right and wrong are subjective terms. But when you google "emotional cheating" and the definition perfectly fits her actions, I think we can safely assume that emotional cheating is wrong, and therefor her actions are "wrong". We have a monogamous relationship. Things that violate the terms of a monogamous relationship are by default wrong.

 

Again, "normal", by your standards.

 

Can we all agree that cheating on your partner is wrong and not "normal"? I think that should be a given.

 

Oddly, many of us keep hoping that at some point something will click in your mind that you're not being respectful of/to her, either, but it never does...so perhaps she's just following your lead.

 

Maybe I've been rude on the forum, but to her I'm very kind, loving, faithful etc. Every fight has been about her not adhering to appropriate relationship boundaries. Now before you jump on me about what "what YOU think are appropriate boundaries" Let me be clear. Emotional cheating, giving your number to other guys, lying to your partner... Those are things that most people would agree are outside of the boundaries of appropriateness in a monogamous relationship.

 

No, it doesn't; there are plenty of people who are happily in open relationships and "act just like [they] did when [they] were single". To be in a relationship with YOU means she has to behave differently than when she was single.

 

Again, giving your number to other men, chatting with men online, etc. Those things are ok if you are single. But find me one boyfriend (in a monogamous relationship) who thinks it's ok for his girlfriend to give guys her number when they are clearly trying to hit on her? I don't think you will find one.

 

Just because you've been in "faithful, long term relationships" does NOT mean you are a "good boyfriend", naturally or otherwise. As a matter of fact, your obsession with her 'dirty, filthy, disgusting, and promiscuous past' and your insistence that she tell you every single detail, sparing NOthing, on top of your insistence that no matter how much she tells you, it is NOT the whole truth...you just know it!!!...is about as far from the definition of "a good boyfriend" that I'd ever come up with, regardless of how vast - or limited - my sexual past is.

 

I am a great boyfriend. I'm sick and tired of her lying to me and behaving inappropriately with other men. At this point I don't give a **** about her sexual history. I just want her to be honest with me. Keeping secrets from your partner = death sentence for the relationship. And I'm 99% sure she's been extremely dishonest about her life/history and not just the sexual aspects of her life. I can't prove it to you, but my gut feeling is almost never wrong. I've known every time she was lying to me. And I'm pretty certain she's hiding major portions of her life story from me.

 

Of course it is...you've designed it to be.

Make up your mind. Is she a lying, cheating whore? Or am I the villain because I don't like being lied to and having my girlfriend chatting with other potential mates?

[mrldii]

Make up your mind. Is she a lying, cheating whore? Or am I the villain because I don't like being lied to and having my girlfriend chatting with other potential mates?

 

 

Nahhhh...YOU make up YOUR mind.

 

Do you enjoy the *fact* (according to you) that your girlfriend is a "lying, cheating whore"? If so, quit pretending that you don't and acknowledge that to her, us, and yourself that you love it and get off it.

 

If you don't enjoy the *fact* (according to you) that your girlfriend is a "lying, cheating whore", then acknowledge that to her, us, and yourself and stop being in a relationship with her.

 

 

My mind IS made up: based on EVERYthing you've written, your girlfriend is with an extremely disturbed and potentially dangerous man who enjoys - literally and figuratively - beating her up over both real and imagined transgressions every chance he gets. From what I've read, the only thing that proves she's 'damaged goods' is the fact that she continues to be in a relationship with you.

 

 

Best of luck to you while making up your mind, OP...

[deadelvis]

So let me be clear about this, you think it's OK for a person in a monogamous relationship to give their phone number to other potential mates, engage in emotional cheating on Facebook and continuously lie to your partner? Am I reading that right, because to me that just sounds crazy. But I mean if those are all acceptable behaviors for someone in a monogamous relationship then maybe you're right and she hasn't done anything wrong.

And maybe Elvis isn't really dead.

Edited August 6, 2015 by deadelvis

[mrldii]

So let me be clear about this, you think it's OK for a person in a monogamous relationship to give their phone number to other potential mates, engage in emotional cheating on Facebook and continuously lie to your partner? Am I reading that right, because to me that just sounds crazy. But I mean if those are all acceptable behaviors for someone in a monogamous relationship then maybe you're right and she hasn't done anything wrong.

And maybe Elvis isn't really dead.

 

I didn't say that.

 

What I DID say and HAVE been saying and will CONTINUE to say (no matter how much you want to ignore it) is:

 

 

Iffin you don't like that she has a "promiscuous past", "lies to (you)", "withholds the truth from (you)", "chats with other men", and does all sorts of other things - real and imagined - that you don't like and are "unacceptable behaviors for someone in a monogamous relationship"

 

 

stop being in a monogamous relationship with her.

 

It's simple, really. The reason you're making it so difficult is because you actually love the *fact* she's a "dirty, lying, cheating whore" almost as much as you love - literally and figuratively - beating her up over that *fact*.

[autumnnight]

Here are my opinions in no particular order:

 

A woman in a relationship has no business being buddy buddy with men she used to have sex with.

 

A woman in a relationship has no business having overtly flirty and innuendo-laced conversations with other man

 

A woman in a relationship should NOT be sharing her relationship problems with another man, ESPECIALLY a man who has seen her naked

[smackie9]

It doesn't matter if WE think it's wrong, it matters if you do. You don't like it, she's going to keep doing it....kick to curb, your foot to her ass.

[William]

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Thanks in advance for your cooperation with this moderation directive.

[SSJROMANCE]

This woman is not fit to be a girlfriend or anything else for that matter. She is who she is and it sounds like she likes attention from as many men as possible and that's a problem for you. She can't be trusted. This is how affairs start if she isn't already having one. I know you love her but you have to make a choice. Love someone who everyone else loves and wants to get in her pants or find someone who is dedicated to you and you only. If I remember correctly you said you didn't see her as being a longer term girlfriend and if that is correct why are you upset? Go with the flow until it's over.

[kendahke]

She is a great person. I know I've complained on here about our relationship so much it's hard to believe it, but she is pretty amazing,

 

Well, the price of being with this "amazing" girl is that you have to tolerate her chatting and flirting with other men, telling your relationship business to a guy she had a previous relationship with and the laundry list of grievances you've posted here about her.

 

Can you afford that price? For how long? Because she's not of the mind to stop and no amount of whining or complaining to her or us seems to change her mind. It is what it is, so it's time for you to accept it and keep paying the cost or close up the bank and move on.

[elaine567]

This is the heart of the problem. First thread deadelvis posted.

 

#3...

I realize it's my own problem, not hers. But it was just all the long hours of talking about sex and her telling me all about how freaky she is and all the kinky sex she is into, but now suddenly she has no interest in those things. Or rather she says she has no interest in those things, but for months that was all she talked about. And based on her past history theres no doubt she likes wild crazy rough sex. Just not with me.

#1...Last night she told me that she's no longer interested in that type of sex, and that was a different time in her life, and now she doesn't have any desire for that type of rough kinky sex. I feel like she's telling me this because she knows how much I've been obsessing over measuring up to her previous sexual partners. She wants me to let it go and just enjoy what we have together...The only thing thats changed between her being the kinky freak she was two months ago and the vanilla lover she is now is that she started dating me. I can't understand why she was so into all these wild sexual acts with other people but now that she has a boyfiend who she loves, she has no interest in those types of sexual acts.

[deadelvis]

Well those are certainly concerns of mine. But overall my primary grievances are (in order of importance).

 

1. Being dishonest about her past, and just lying in general.

2. Inappropriate relationships with other men that borders on emotional cheating.

3. The shift from "sex kitten" to "not in the mood" (as outlined in your quotes above). Her stories about the past depict her as the type of wild crazy girl who would hook up with strangers, friends, guys off the internet etc. and engage in long crazy weekends of sex, 3ways, and all types of wild stuff. But in our relationship she has little interest in sex and acts like she's doing me a favor when we do have sex. Going all night or a weekend long crazy sex marathon is out of the question. She has very little interest in sex. Period. Yet she say's stuff like this...

 

"I once went home with 4 guys hoping to get gangbanged but I only ended up sleeping with one of them, but it was still fun because we had sex for three days straight"

 

That contradiction is difficult to reconcile in my mind.

[writergal]

Well those are certainly concerns of mine. But overall my primary grievances are (in order of importance).

 

1. Being dishonest about her past, and just lying in general.

2. Inappropriate relationships with other men that borders on emotional cheating.

3. The shift from "sex kitten" to "not in the mood" (as outlined in your quotes above). Her stories about the past depict her as the type of wild crazy girl who would hook up with strangers, friends, guys off the internet etc. and engage in long crazy weekends of sex, 3ways, and all types of wild stuff. But in our relationship she has little interest in sex and acts like she's doing me a favor when we do have sex. Going all night or a weekend long crazy sex marathon is out of the question. She has very little interest in sex. Period. Yet she say's stuff like this...

 

"I once went home with 4 guys hoping to get gangbanged but I only ended up sleeping with one of them, but it was still fun because we had sex for three days straight"

 

That contradiction is difficult to reconcile in my mind.

 

Those 3 red flags clearly violate your relationship standards for women you want as a girlfriend. So, it makes total sense then for you to dump her.

[kendahke]

Well those are certainly concerns of mine. But overall my primary grievances are (in order of importance).

 

1. Being dishonest about her past, and just lying in general.

2. Inappropriate relationships with other men that borders on emotional cheating.

3. The shift from "sex kitten" to "not in the mood" (as outlined in your quotes above). Her stories about the past depict her as the type of wild crazy girl who would hook up with strangers, friends, guys off the internet etc. and engage in long crazy weekends of sex, 3ways, and all types of wild stuff. But in our relationship she has little interest in sex and acts like she's doing me a favor when we do have sex. Going all night or a weekend long crazy sex marathon is out of the question. She has very little interest in sex. Period. Yet she say's stuff like this...

 

"I once went home with 4 guys hoping to get gangbanged but I only ended up sleeping with one of them, but it was still fun because we had sex for three days straight"

 

That contradiction is difficult to reconcile in my mind.

 

yet, there you still remain. what do you want her to change about her past, exactly? The earth isn't spinning backwards to accommodate her past being erased. She is who she is--nothing changes what she did in the past. She isn't going to be who she never was back when she was doing all this.

 

If your grievance is that she owes you some past behavior because you came on the scene to late to take part in it, then there are bigger issues afoot here.

[deadelvis]

yet, there you still remain. what do you want her to change about her past, exactly? The earth isn't spinning backwards to accommodate her past being erased. She is who she is--nothing changes what she did in the past. She isn't going to be who she never was back when she was doing all this.

 

If your grievance is that she owes you some past behavior because you came on the scene to late to take part in it, then there are bigger issues afoot here.

 

I certainly don't think I can change her past. And I wouldn't want to. We are all the product of our past experiences and I wouldn't want her to be anything but what she is. I love her for who she is, past and present. But what I do want is very simple.

 

1. Tell me the truth about your past. And don't lie to me about anything ever again.

2. Stop having inappropriate relationships with other men.

3. Explain to me why you have no interest in sex anymore and help me to understand why you went from a nympho to a prude. Because my current lack of understanding regarding this issue has caused me to take it very personally

[yellowhibiscus]

OP- I know it hurts to think about breaking up but there will be someone out there who has all of her great qualities AND can be respectful to you! Someone who does stuff like this doesn't respect you and is selfish....move on.

[writergal]

I certainly don't think I can change her past. And I wouldn't want to. We are all the product of our past experiences and I wouldn't want her to be anything but what she is. I love her for who she is, past and present. But what I do want is very simple.

 

1. Tell me the truth about your past. And don't lie to me about anything ever again.

2. Stop having inappropriate relationships with other men.

3. Explain to me why you have no interest in sex anymore and help me to understand why you went from a nympho to a prude. Because my current lack of understanding regarding this issue has caused me to take it very personally

 

First you say that you don't want to change her, but then your #2 standard shows that you do actually want to change her.

 

You can't change someone no matter what demands or requests you make of them. If she continues to have inappropriate relationships with other men it's because that's who she is, and because she doesn't respect you or take the relationship with you that seriously.

 

She stopped having sex with you because she's probably cheating on you. When a partner withholds sex, it's usually because they're having sex with someone else.

 

So, ask yourself why you stay with someone who keeps sending you signals that she doesn't want to be with you.

[kendahke]

I certainly don't think I can change her past. And I wouldn't want to. We are all the product of our past experiences and I wouldn't want her to be anything but what she is. I love her for who she is, past and present. But what I do want is very simple.

 

1. Tell me the truth about your past. And don't lie to me about anything ever again.

2. Stop having inappropriate relationships with other men.

3. Explain to me why you have no interest in sex anymore and help me to understand why you went from a nympho to a prude. Because my current lack of understanding regarding this issue has caused me to take it very personally

 

I take it you've put all of this to her, right? What has she said in response? Has she agreed to do any of this? If not, why not? And if not, then why are you still with her, tormenting yourself?

[LoveRefreshed]

Chatting with other people is normal. Depending on the nature of the communication, it may be harmless. What's not harmless is trying to control your partner and telling them whom they may talk to. If the talk is flirtatious, then you have every right to tell her how you feel about it. She can ignore you though, you can control someone. Then you have to make a decision to be with her or not regardless. So make that decision already.

[LoveRefreshed]

Well those are certainly concerns of mine. But overall my primary grievances are (in order of importance).

 

1. Being dishonest about her past, and just lying in general.

2. Inappropriate relationships with other men that borders on emotional cheating.

3. The shift from "sex kitten" to "not in the mood" (as outlined in your quotes above). Her stories about the past depict her as the type of wild crazy girl who would hook up with strangers, friends, guys off the internet etc. and engage in long crazy weekends of sex, 3ways, and all types of wild stuff. But in our relationship she has little interest in sex and acts like she's doing me a favor when we do have sex. Going all night or a weekend long crazy sex marathon is out of the question. She has very little interest in sex. Period. Yet she say's stuff like this...

 

"I once went home with 4 guys hoping to get gangbanged but I only ended up sleeping with one of them, but it was still fun because we had sex for three days straight"

 

That contradiction is difficult to reconcile in my mind.

 

It's also possible that sex kitten to not in the mood is a direct result of how you make her feel. Maybe your issues, insecurities, and 'want for kinky sex' makes her feel disrespected in this relationship. Maybe you need to lay off the pressure and let that kinkiness build back up.

[deadelvis]

I take it you've put all of this to her, right? What has she said in response? Has she agreed to do any of this? If not, why not? And if not, then why are you still with her, tormenting yourself?

 

Of course I have. And her reply has been

 

1. I am telling you the truth.

2. My relationships with other men are totally appropriate.

3. People change. I did those things because I was young, drunk and curious. Now I've realized that I prefer vanilla sex.

 

My reply however is

 

1. I just caught you in a bunch of lies on Tuesday, but on Monday you said you were "telling me the truth" and would "never lie to me again". Once a week I catch you lying about something from your past. Clearly you are not telling me the truth.

2. This may actually be true. We got into a big fight about this a few nights ago and she told me I could look through her phone. I didn't bother because I know she deleted a bunch of texts beforehand so I'm going to wait a few weeks and then casually ask "you mind if I look through your phone now?"

3. So six months ago you were going home with guys on the first date and engaging in wild sexual situations, but then suddenly you are only into "vanilla sex"... starting when? They day we met? Pffft.

 

 

But all this has raised an important question for me.

 

Is it okay to lie to your partner about your sexual history? And to what extent?

[deadelvis]

A typical situation would go something like this...

 

I see a guy has been texting her a lot and so I ask

 

"Who is this John guy you've been texting all the time?"

 

"Oh, he's just an old friend"

 

"Did you sleep with him in the past?"

 

"No, we're just friends"

 

"Oh ok"

 

But I can tell she's lying so a couple days later I go on Johns facebook and sure enough theres a picture from a couple years back of them holding hands at some nightclub and lots of comments about "Oh you two are so cute together" and lots of <3 comments from her so I ask again

 

"Tell me the truth this time, did you ever have sex with John?"

 

"Oh a couple times we had sex but it was a long time ago and we're just friends now"

 

"Why did you lie about it last week when I asked you"

 

"I didn't want you to get upset or not trust me"

 

"So you lied because you wanted me to trust you?"

 

"Yes"

[LoveRefreshed]

Break up with her.

 

 

Dude, you clearly don't trust her. You clearly need to investigate every single thing.

 

Why are you doing this to yourself? Either trust that she wants to be with you now or end it.