ljn1650 Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 I met a guy three months ago (it is important to note he had come out of an 8 year relationship around a year and a half to two years before) and it's been great. I felt he was moving too fast at first but we really connected and things were so easy from the beginning. Quite early on he invited me to go away with him for a week, I expressed concern that perhaps it would be too soon but he dismissed my fears. Anyway, our relationship developed and i was seeing him 2-3 times a week and I kept cautious and said i wanted to keep it slow. Everything's been great. The holiday came around and we went away on the 25th July for 7 days. The night before he said he thought he was really falling for me and off we went on holiday and had a lovely time - very comfortable together. On the drive home, we even discussed a future weekend away. We got back, and then that's when he started to act distant. After two days he sent me a whatsapp message along the lines of - sorry I've been a bit off with you, I just suddenly feel we are moving too fast and need some time - hope thats okay with you. please dont think its you blah blah. I simply replied 'OK' as i thought that was appropriate and didn't want to respond emotionally - thinking that's it, have your space. but then he rang me and messaged me until I had to ring him so he would stop. i asked him minimal questions like if you want to end it completely, can you just say so as i refuse to wait around for someone.but he just kept saying i don't know i don't know, my head is still a mess (from his ex) etc. he also said he thinks he jumped into something serious too soon.he then ended the call saying i could still ring him any time i liked - which was quite confusing. He was absolutely FINE before we went away together, and now I wish we hadn't. Is he just freaking out or is this a polite way of ending it? He has taken a complete turnaround and i'm feeling confused
TaraMaiden2 Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 He's falling for you and he's scared of falling for you. He's become a commitment-phobe.... You need to sit and talk to him and tell him you give him 2 weeks (of total NC) to sort his head out, and then, if he doesn't come up with something concrete, you move on, because you're worth more than this. Tell him everything you told us. you thought everything was progressing well. And you are a great lady and a good catch. If he's willing to throw that away simply because he's hopping from foot to foot, then it's definitely his loss.... jeesh, I mean, almighty already, he broke up with his ex two years ago - I'm sorry, but that should be more than enough time to pick yourself up and start dating again. If he's getting cold feet, you deserve to know. Sorry to urge you to be harsh, but we ladies are sometimes overly gentle with these guys, and WE end up with the tears and broken hearts, because they play with our emotions.... 3
HereNorThere Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 I think you should do some research on "engulfment fears." More than likely he feels engulfed after spending that much time with you. If you play it cool and give him some space, more than likely you'll be okay. Unfortunately, our natural reaction is to start seeking seeking reassurance from the person feeling engulfed which usually only stresses them more. It's a natural thing and we've all been through the vicious engulfment/abandonment fear dance. I know I've certainly been on both sides of the fence with that one. Good luck and try to relax. The less you worry about it, the better your chances are that this is a temporary thing that will pass.
Lois_Griffin Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 The guys (and women) who continually encourage you to invest in them because they claim to be SO ready for a relationship with you - after you've continually told them your fears about wanting to go slow - and then pull this crap REALLY tick me off. It's completely irresponsible to continually encourage someone to invest in you emotionally and then turn around at the 11th hour and pull this sophomoric bullsh*t. You bet I'd give him space. Lots of it. 3
RebelWithoutACause Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 It's a big red flag when somebody moves too quick, too soon. People who do that do it for the thrill of newness and not because they have genuine feelings. That's why they are able to turn completely cold overnight, they were never emotionally invested. The ex excuse was just that, he used it because it was an easy way out. Next time trust your gut and don't allow to be manipulated or pressured into moving faster than the pace you're comfortable with.
kendahke Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 jeesh, I mean, almighty already, he broke up with his ex two years ago - I'm sorry, but that should be more than enough time to pick yourself up and start dating again. You need to sit and talk to him and tell him you give him 2 weeks (of total NC) to sort his head out, and then, if he doesn't come up with something concrete, you move on, because you're worth more than this. ^^^this right here. Clearly, he is not over her if he's still on this isht. By now, you should be well past rebound status on his break up continuum. Next time they move at lightning speed, slam on the brakes. Don't go for that ride because they bail out before the car goes over the cliff--and you're still inside. 1
Redhead14 Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 (edited) I met a guy three months ago (it is important to note he had come out of an 8 year relationship around a year and a half to two years before) and it's been great. I felt he was moving too fast at first but we really connected and things were so easy from the beginning. Quite early on he invited me to go away with him for a week, I expressed concern that perhaps it would be too soon but he dismissed my fears. Anyway, our relationship developed and i was seeing him 2-3 times a week and I kept cautious and said i wanted to keep it slow. Everything's been great. The holiday came around and we went away on the 25th July for 7 days. The night before he said he thought he was really falling for me and off we went on holiday and had a lovely time - very comfortable together. On the drive home, we even discussed a future weekend away. We got back, and then that's when he started to act distant. After two days he sent me a whatsapp message along the lines of - sorry I've been a bit off with you, I just suddenly feel we are moving too fast and need some time - hope thats okay with you. please dont think its you blah blah. I simply replied 'OK' as i thought that was appropriate and didn't want to respond emotionally - thinking that's it, have your space. but then he rang me and messaged me until I had to ring him so he would stop. i asked him minimal questions like if you want to end it completely, can you just say so as i refuse to wait around for someone.but he just kept saying i don't know i don't know, my head is still a mess (from his ex) etc. he also said he thinks he jumped into something serious too soon.he then ended the call saying i could still ring him any time i liked - which was quite confusing. He was absolutely FINE before we went away together, and now I wish we hadn't. Is he just freaking out or is this a polite way of ending it? He has taken a complete turnaround and i'm feeling confused Very often when a man spends a big piece of time with a woman, he gets an oxytocin overload. At three months, going away on weekends with a woman is a little too much too soon. No matter how much you say you're going slow, when a woman is getting attached, the guy knows it and he will back off in order to actually keep things going slowly. Your best course of action is to give him a ton of space right now. Let him reach out to you first for a long time. Even though he said you could reach out to him, do it only once in a while. Keep it light when you do. Respond but don't initiate and respond in kind -- meaning don't bring up the relationship unless he does. Keep it light. Sometimes, it does end this way. If he drops off the earth, let it go. It's only been three months with him. They sometimes do drop off the earth, especially, if you were dealing with a man who is emotionally unavailable. If this guy is emotionally unavailable, he will do this dance often so be careful about how many times you will accept this behavior if that is the case with him. This is one way women allow themselves to be strung along. Edited August 5, 2015 by Redhead14
SugarLips72 Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 I don't buy the "we moved too fast". Sounds like he has lost interest and is ending it. You don't come back from a week together and just tell someone that. Sorry.
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