LDR Breakup, but I'm not convinced it's over... Second Thoughts from you?

[Dante311]

Hi and thank you for taking the time to read this.

 

Some quick background information.

 

Me: 30, in the medical field, had 3 long term relationships in the past... I know what I'm looking for, confident (for the most part - can be insecure at times - especially during this LDR).. I'm only physical IN relationships for the most part. I'm not perfect though.. I have a lot of flaws too.

 

Her: 26, in Data analysis and insurance. Had a bunch of ~3 month relationships, and a 2 year on and off relationship a long time ago. She has a difficult time with romance. Had a serious problem with domestic abuse once and ran away from home... she's reconciling now... I told her when she told me this, that I'm not here to fix her, but to be supportive. A shoulder to cry on, an ear to talk to... etc.. and I haven't tried to fix her. Also, she can be a bit insecure, but masks it by participating in a martial arts class.

 

Here's the relationship...

 

We were introduced by our mothers early May... she lives about 400 miles away. Until we met.. we talked 1-2 times a week. It seemed good, she wanted to meet me. I went down there, we had a great date. I told her I wanted to see her again. She liked that.

 

I went down again, saw her Fri Sat Sun... it was great. Did it again. It was great. We wanted to see eachother. This is when I kissed her. And the first time we had sex... a few times. It was great, we both were happy. She comes up to me... same scenario. Great time. Basically 5 times together.. once was the first date... the other four were a 3 day thing together. Fairly standard for an LDR.. Fri Sat Sun. It was great. The rest of the time, we'd either Skype, Text, or Phone Call. She would usually initiate. I would sometimes. I figured, I didn't want to smother her with texts etc... Let her take that reign. Not sure if I did the right thing. When I text her, she sometimes wouldn't reply right away... never panicked, but she'd apologize. I say it's ok... you have a life too. She liked that.

 

Anyhow..

 

I should preface, she knows I want a relationship, and she wants to "digest" each visit... and take it slow. It's how she works. I keep trying to do this, but I feel I may have slightly pressured her... I may have asked about us, and future dates (she hates this)... so that was MY insecurity and my bad... I didn't think it was an end all, but apparently was. I think I asked once during my last visit about us.

 

This last time, I went down there this past weekend. She invited me down. Ok, Great. She picked me up from the airport (her bday is coming up in 3 weeks btw - I gave her a really beautiful sterling silver (italian) bracelet - she loved it apparently). She kissed me, we picked up takeout and just chilled at home watching a movie and eating. It was 9pm. We both were tired from a long week. Sat morning, she wakes me up... she goes to her martial arts class (was happy that I said it's ok to leave me home alone), I go for a walk. We come back, we have sex.. she loves it. She hates museums, but wants me to have fun.. she takes me to one her boss recommended, she buys me dinner downtown. IT's nice. We were supposed to meet her best friend + boyfriend, but she says she's feeling sluggish, i am too. She feels bad, but flakes on her friend. I take this at face value. We go home, pass out.

 

Sunday comes... We wake up, morning sex. She tells me to finish inside her, I do. Didn't know condom broke. She's not on birth control.. no IUD.. no Ring... ****. I run to the pharmacy.. she's cracking jokes. One Plan B later... things seem ok. Shower together... make lunch, her best friend (another one) comes over, we all go to the park, eat, go for a walk.. it was fun. Come home (I have a train at 6PM back to my home)... sex a few times... I go, "so does this mean I can see you again?" She replies, "of course".. she goes to shower, changes, and I pack. I also ask her about coming down for her bday in 3 weeks... she gets a little standoffish... I reply, only because I want to make sure I don't interfere with your plans with your friends.. she tells me to relax and we'll talk about that when it gets closer. I apologize, and she tells me it's ok. I'm also thinking about the cost of travel.. it gets more expensive the closer you get...

 

I mentioned that. It was ok.

 

She brings me to the train... I ask her if we can skype.. she had mentioned these next two weeks will be crazy b.c her boss is on vacation, I get that. She works for a small company. She says we will, she'll make time. I go ok. She kisses me... I invite her up to my home again, she says yeah, sounds fun.. we'll talk about it. (Again I assume nothing is wrong - she hates future planning!)

 

She kisses me and drives off (my train is 30 minutes away... she doesn't wait with me this time)... felt off, but ok.

 

 

I text her...

 

"Thanks again for an amazing weekend, I had a lot of fun!"

 

"I hope I didn't upset you!"

 

Her...

 

"Of course!"

 

"Why do you think that?"

 

Me...

 

"I just want you to know I'm on the same page as you. I had a lot of fun, I look forward to seeing you again soon. Thanks so much sweetie! *kiss*"

 

.............

 

I text her again when I'm on the train

 

"Finally on the train, thanks for a great weekend! I look forward to next time, I'll talk to you soon! back to reality, gonna get some rest!"

 

Her...

 

"Thanks again for coming! Get some rest, you need it ;)"

 

"Thanks again for the bracelet! :)"

 

(her bday gift from me... it was a nice bracelet!)

 

Me...

 

"Happy Birthday Early *kiss*"

 

"I'll talk to you soon!"

 

...few hours go by.

 

Me...

 

"How's work?"

 

(No reply...)

 

"Ok, I'm going to try and sleep.. thanks again, I had fun, I'll talk to you soon sweetie! Good night :)"

 

Her (two hours later)...

 

"I'm going to bed too, goodnight."

 

(I thought this was a little cold...)

 

------

 

The next day... no texts from her.

 

I text her from work (Knowing her shoulder was hurting her...)

 

"Hey Hun, hope your shoulder is feeling better! Good luck at Martial Arts tonight... I'll talk to you later, hope you're having a good day!"

 

(Now her not texting me all day is normal, so I thought, I'll just text her...)

 

(She replies two hours later)..

 

Her...

 

"Hey XXXXX, I've been doing a lot of thinking, we need to talk tonight... I'm going into a meeting now.. and martial arts later, is tonight at 9pm ok..?"

 

Me...

 

"K"

 

------

 

Oh yay.. I'm getting dumped. Figures.

 

Here's where it gets interesting. I have my best friend who is a bit of a loner, very analytical and seems to interpret relationships and human emotion REALLY well... listen in on this phone conversation!

 

He is kind of surprised by her doing this... didn't expect this.

 

---------- 9:10PM ----------

 

She calls... (reproducing this as best I can)

 

Her "Hey XXXXXX, what's up?"

 

Me "Nothing, What's going on?"

 

Her "Not much... so ummm, yeah.. I know this is really out of the blue (I rolled my eyes - my friend laughed - she's on mute and he's listening in to interpret this and hear for himself ... and help me)... This isn't just a one time thing, it's been building up a bit, and I wanted to be honest with you. I just dont' want you wasting your time and money flying down to see me when I just don't know...

 

You're an amazing guy, I really like you and I had a lot of fun with you. It was amazing, and you did everything right and nothing wrong. You couldn't have done anything better! But I don't see a future with you..."

 

(Silence)

 

Her "Are you there? XXXXX? Do you want to say anything?"

 

Me "What do you want me to say?"

 

Her "I don't know... do you want to talk about it?"

 

Me "There's nothing to talk about.. you were a bit cold to me this weekend, I kind of saw this coming"

 

Her "I know, I'm sorry.. I didn't mean to be... I really had a lot of fun with you, I just don't know I see this going anywhere and I just don't see a future with you"

 

(More Silence)

 

Her "Do you want to stay on the phone?"

 

Me "E, I had fun too, the last few months were a lot of fun and I had a great time getting to know you, thank you for sharing that time with me, and for sharing a part of your life with me.. good luck"

 

Her "Oh, me too! I feel the same.... (yadda yadda yadda she repeated the same back to me"

 

Me "Perhaps in the future if our paths cross.. who knows?"

 

Her "No, we can't think like that, Ijust don't see a future... (she repeated herself)

 

Me "Then I don't know what you want me to tell you"

 

Her "I don't know..."

 

(By this point she went from being perky from the last thing said, to more of a sad tone, my buddy pointed this out)

 

Me "We both have a lot of things to work out.. for ourselves and together"

 

Her "What do you mean? I'm confused...?"

 

Me "You know what, it doesn't matter. I had fun. Thanks."

 

Her "Me too..."

 

Me "That's fine, you know what, goodnight"

 

Her "Goodnight"

 

------

We haven't spoken since..

 

 

Now my buddy also pointed out by the end of this conversation, she sounded like she was on the verge of tears... seriously. I was upset, but kept my cool. I confided all this in 3 good friends, and my unit coordinator who is like a mother to me. Before I give their interpretations... which they all think she's just spooked from the thought of a relationship... (she's never had something serious for > 3 months without breaking off and back on)... and it doesn't seem that she's been treated as well as I have treated her.. they all think she's spooked for some reason or another, and that me closing that door gives her the opportunity to take a step back and think and evaluate this situation.. and that there's a good possibility I'll hear from her in the next week or two.. or three... and when I do, there's a 50/50 shot of it working out... (they all said this independent of one another)...

 

...and then again, this is human nature, I may not hear altogether and need to be prepared for that.

 

There are some more indepth details and interpretations, but they all agree, she sounds spooked about the relationship b/c this came out of nowhere... I may have pushed her a little with my inquiries about us, making me insecure slightly, but they dont' think that was the tipping point. They think it's her insecurity, not me at all...

 

I wanted to get YOUR take on this please.. if you don't mind???

 

Thank you

Edited August 5, 2015 by Dante311

[mightycpa]

Spooked, huh? I think maybe she just met someone local recently that sparked her interest, and she doesn't like the thought of banging two guys and a warm body to hold is a lot better than a selfie to look at.

 

Clearly she likes you, because she wouldn't have had all that sex if she didn't. I think if you were 4 miles away, rather than 400, there would be a different ending to this story at this time.

 

I don't see a future with you

sounds a hell of a lot like

You live too far away to make this work

to me. LDR's are difficult that way. You can't really protect your interests. If I'm right, she's not wrong.

 

If I were you, I'd take a lesson from that.

[ExpatInItaly]

Spooked, huh? I think maybe she just met someone local recently that sparked her interest, and she doesn't like the thought of banging two guys and a warm body to hold is a lot better than a selfie to look at.

 

Clearly she likes you, because she wouldn't have had all that sex if she didn't. I think if you were 4 miles away, rather than 400, there would be a different ending to this story at this time.

 

sounds a hell of a lot like to me. LDR's are difficult that way. You can't really protect your interests. If I'm right, she's not wrong.

 

If I were you, I'd take a lesson from that.

 

Yes, that's the sense I got from it too.

 

In any case, she is not ready for a relationship with you. It shouldn't be that difficult or scary to plan future dates. I think you would find it's just too complicated to be with her in any serious capacity. She's not in the right place for it.

[quattrob]

She was pretty clear to you, she saw no future between you and her. I don't know why you're over-analyzing everything. I doubt she's spooked, she just didn't feel like she wanted to spend her life being with you. Like she said she liked you because you were nice to her and gave her the attention.. you made her feel special but in the end she just couldn't see herself being with you. You lacked something she was looking for.

 

 

Sometimes we think that being nice and giving someone the best relationship they've ever had would automatically mean that they would and should stick with us no matter what. But you'll learn that not all people want what you sacrifice and give. And it's naïve for us to think that just because we give someone our all that we should end up with this person.

 

 

In the end, at least she ended it with you early and didn't drag you on for longer. Stick to NC and do not expect her to contact you ever again. You definitely should find somebody else, as she never loved you and can't see herself loving you. Good luck TC.