PavlaM Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 My boyfriend of 1 year has to move out from his current place in october. I am 31 and he is 29. The day after he found this out I asked him if he would want to live with me. He didnt want to answer and asked me if I would like to live with him. I said yes and than he said he doesnt know. I felt hurt and thought to myself that after one year of relationship he should know from the top of his mind if he wants to live together or not. I overreacted and pushed him into immediate answer. So he said he doesnt want to live with me, that he loves me but wants to have his space and be alone. I tried to explain that we can find some compromise. That I can always visit my parents for weekends. That he can have his own room there where he can play games with his friends etc. And that it would make so many things easier. At the moment we see each other every other day. We live about 40 minutes away from each other. I live in the center so usualy he is the one visiting me after he hangs out with his friends or finishing at work. At weekdays we see each other about 10PM or later which is pretty exhausting for me sometimes. I have to wake up earlier than him and work a lot in big corporate company. Or I spend weekends at his place and about once or twice a week I sleep at his place where I have to travel usualy late at night after he comes there. And than in the morning it takes me about one hour to get to work from there. But his work is close from my place and his place as well and he always wear his backpack with his stuff. I made him drawer at my place and wash for him to make it easier for him when he sleeps over. But for me its hard to always pack all things to wear and take to work as I am a women. We spend very nice time together and I am very happy with him. I know that if he will now look for another place with his roomate and spend that energy on it, I dont believe that in another year he will change his mind to live with me. I feel like I dont see that he would eventualy start to build future together. I don want to get married or have a kids in next years but I want to live with person I love. I want to live with him to make things easier and not to be stressed out about all that traveling as we are always meeting late at night. And also to be taken seriously. He said that he might some day to move in with me but I dont believe it. If he will now look for a new place and move somewhere else why would he suddenly change his mind? If he wants to be alone and have his space I dont believe it would ever change. I feel like there is no future and dont know what to do. I know I overreacted and pushed him into answer but I felt desperate and wanted to break up with him. I know he loves me but in his own way. I am his first girlfriend after many years and I know it means something to him. But I cant wait so long for nothing. I think not living together will make our relationship worse than better. Please give me some advices and opinions.
d0nnivain Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Living together is not a rite of passage. Not wanting to cohabitate is not an indictment of your relationship. If you can about each other having a different address won't change that. Tons of people for centuries carried on successful relationships without living together before marriage. At the one year mark I can see his hesitation. It's a big step. You are right that not living together will make YOUR relationship worse because you are disappointed & angry that he won't live with you. Your resentment will continue to build over time & it will poison all the good things in your relationship. You only live 40 minutes apart. I don't understand all your stress & angst about having to spend the night with him. If you can leave some toiletries there & perhaps have a drawer, it shouldn't be as inconvenient as you make it sound. You know his feelings on the subject. Living together is not happening this October. He's willing to revisit the issue at a future time. So it's up to you. What do you want more -- him or a live-in BF? 8
Author PavlaM Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 Hello d0nnivain, thank you very much for your respond. Yes I want him. But I dont know how to get this disappointment and anger away. It is really hard and I dont know how to make it go away.
Keenly Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 You're disappointed because you asked a trap question, expecting one answer. You got the answer you didn't expect, and are now upset about it. It doesn't mean anything bad about your relationship.he just isn't ready to move in right now. That's his right. You're desire to cohabitation does not override his need to feel comfortable at home and maintain his current lifestyle. Also, one year is not that much time. In my opinion, too soon to move in. Sounds like he feels the same way. 5
ExpatInItaly Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Hello d0nnivain, thank you very much for your respond. Yes I want him. But I dont know how to get this disappointment and anger away. It is really hard and I dont know how to make it go away. You need some time. You need to see that he still loves you and wants to be with you, even if he's not ready to move in together yet. It does not automatically mean you have no future together, so for your own sanity, stop making assumptions about that. Have you ever lived with a boyfriend before? I have, twice. It can dramatically change the dynamic of a relationship, sometimes for the better and other times for the worse. Trust me when I say it's very painful if it doesn't work out. You need to consider that too. Living together doesn't guarantee a future together either. (And I'm speaking from experience!) n He's actually doing the right thing by saying no if he's not ready yet. Backing him into a corner or trying to make compromises (visiting family on weekends, him having his own room) is not going to help. My first serious boyfriend did this, and I foolishly moved in before I was ready. It didn't go well. I tell you this to highlight the importance of him feeling ready too. It doesn't work if only person is. 3
oberkeat Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 I can see where he's coming from. Although I want girlfriend, I don't really want a live-in girlfriend. I'm pretty independent, I like living alone, and so in that area I like my lifestyle the way it is. I'm not at a point in my life where I want to share my house with someone. 1
Amalyn Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Take it from me - take your time before you move in with your boyfriend. I was with my boyfriend for almost 3 years when we moved in together. It quickly did not work and the break up/moving out was extremely messy. But the worst part of it was, both our names were on the lease so we felt as if we were stuck in a relationship lease - forcing us to stay together because of the lease for the apartment. So please. Don't rush into moving in together. Enjoy your relationship. I think he's thinking practically by not wanting to move in. I can understand why you are disappointed and upset, but this is not something you want to rush into.
katiegrl Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 (edited) Payla, my first boyfriend and I talked about living together after a year together. We even found a place! Were getting ready to put deposit down, when suddenly and out of nowhere, he changed his mind! Loved me to death, but *wasn't ready.* After the initial shock, I empathized and understood. Fast forward three years, the guy is 100%, madly in love with me and proposed marriage, presented me with a beautiful diamond ring. It did not work out (I ended it) but the point is, one year is awfully soon, so try and empathize and see things from his perspective. His not being ready is NO reflection on how he feels about you. Give it time. Enjoy the relationship and let things progress gradually and naturally, with NO pushing from you. That's right, pushing. Stop pushing, stop pressuring. Even if that is not your intention, he will feel it and will drive him away. If you can do that, trust me in time he WILL be ready and will be begging to live with you, maybe even marry you !!! Edited August 5, 2015 by katiegrl
Lois_Griffin Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 I tried to explain that we can find some compromise. That I can always visit my parents for weekends. That he can have his own room there where he can play games with his friends etc. And that it would make so many things easier. I think my biggest piece of advice would be to please stop humiliating yourself and trying to find ANY way to get him to say yes. You're degrading yourself when you do that. If someone clearly doesn't want to live with you after a year of a close relationship, then you need to reassess if you want to keep going forward with that person or move on to someone else. I don't agree that a year of steady dating - where you're spending almost every single day together - is considered 'not dating long enough to move in together.' I was dating my now-husband for just under one year when I moved in with him and we married a year after that. So I don't agree with that statement. I also don't know how asking someone if they want to move in with you somehow equates to being a 'trap' question, but you'll see a lot of ludicrous assumptions like that here, so take THAT nonsense with a grain of salt. You asked, he said no. That's your reality. If that's the way he feels, you have to respect it. But then again, you're too available to him every day, so he has no need to take it a step farther. 1
smackie9 Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 He's 29 and this is his first committed relationship?....that should be an indication his mindset is going to be different from someone with experience. He's going to be very slow at taking things to the next level. IMO you should take this into consideration as to whether you should invest anymore of your time. Again this is about relationship expectations, and this should be something discussed.....never ever "assume" the relationship is going to follow the normal steps to cohabitating, sharing the bills, and committed to a future together in a certain time frame. Don't be trying to manipulate him into agreeing to what YOU want.....you are making yourself out to be a desperate fool...and you will be the one wasting your own time.
elaine567 Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 YOU are bending over backwards here to please him, and he just went NAH! I suggest you stop running yourself ragged trying to make sure you see each other all the time. Stop traveling late at night, and spending all week end at his place. Stop living out of suitcases. Stop exhausting yourself with late night rendez-vous's start looking after number one and that is YOU. Prioritize YOU and YOUR job. He doesn't need anything to change, he has a great life He has shown, he is not yet on board with living with you. So stop running after him and pandering to him. Take stock here. 4
smackie9 Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Is this a deal breaker? That is up to you. If this is something that is very important to you, then I wouldn't blame you for calling it. 1
No_Go Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Give yourself a timescale: min / max time for dating, engagement, living together, marriage, kids etc. Let say to start living together your limit is 12-18 months. If his is 18-24 months - you can negotiate it. If his is 36-48 months - you are incompatible. I don't know the details of your relationship, but if a man of nearly 30 can't make a decision after an year.... It would be a red flag for me. Again, I do not know the circumstances - if it is because of e.g. religious belief, it is just ok. My boyfriend of 1 year has to move out from his current place in october. I am 31 and he is 29. The day after he found this out I asked him if he would want to live with me. He didnt want to answer and asked me if I would like to live with him. I said yes and than he said he doesnt know. I felt hurt and thought to myself that after one year of relationship he should know from the top of his mind if he wants to live together or not. I overreacted and pushed him into immediate answer. So he said he doesnt want to live with me, that he loves me but wants to have his space and be alone. I tried to explain that we can find some compromise. That I can always visit my parents for weekends. That he can have his own room there where he can play games with his friends etc. And that it would make so many things easier. At the moment we see each other every other day. We live about 40 minutes away from each other. I live in the center so usualy he is the one visiting me after he hangs out with his friends or finishing at work. At weekdays we see each other about 10PM or later which is pretty exhausting for me sometimes. I have to wake up earlier than him and work a lot in big corporate company. Or I spend weekends at his place and about once or twice a week I sleep at his place where I have to travel usualy late at night after he comes there. And than in the morning it takes me about one hour to get to work from there. But his work is close from my place and his place as well and he always wear his backpack with his stuff. I made him drawer at my place and wash for him to make it easier for him when he sleeps over. But for me its hard to always pack all things to wear and take to work as I am a women. We spend very nice time together and I am very happy with him. I know that if he will now look for another place with his roomate and spend that energy on it, I dont believe that in another year he will change his mind to live with me. I feel like I dont see that he would eventualy start to build future together. I don want to get married or have a kids in next years but I want to live with person I love. I want to live with him to make things easier and not to be stressed out about all that traveling as we are always meeting late at night. And also to be taken seriously. He said that he might some day to move in with me but I dont believe it. If he will now look for a new place and move somewhere else why would he suddenly change his mind? If he wants to be alone and have his space I dont believe it would ever change. I feel like there is no future and dont know what to do. I know I overreacted and pushed him into answer but I felt desperate and wanted to break up with him. I know he loves me but in his own way. I am his first girlfriend after many years and I know it means something to him. But I cant wait so long for nothing. I think not living together will make our relationship worse than better. Please give me some advices and opinions.
SummerDreams Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 In my eyes it's really obvious. You are an insecure person who searches for validation through other people (I recognise it cause I am like this as well). Hs is still an immature guy who has not yet gone through the "single" phase of his life. He likes to have his own time and space to play his games, see his gf, go to work and that's that. It seems you make all the effort to go to him. He doesnt show any real urge to see you, you are no challenge for him, you are there when he wants. Living together with this guy at this moment of his life is going to validate you but it wont work. Him being younger and that not ready for a serious relationship is gonna be your downfall. You have to start solving your own insecurity issues before you move in with anyone really. I know you find my words hard but if you read them again in like two years you will know I am right. Dont get disappointed, things will get better. Good luck.
oberkeat Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 In my eyes it's really obvious. You are an insecure person who searches for validation through other people (I recognise it cause I am like this as well). Hs is still an immature guy who has not yet gone through the "single" phase of his life. He likes to have his own time and space to play his games, see his gf, go to work and that's that. It seems you make all the effort to go to him. He doesnt show any real urge to see you, you are no challenge for him, you are there when he wants. Living together with this guy at this moment of his life is going to validate you but it wont work. Him being younger and that not ready for a serious relationship is gonna be your downfall. You have to start solving your own insecurity issues before you move in with anyone really. I know you find my words hard but if you read them again in like two years you will know I am right. Dont get disappointed, things will get better. Good luck. I think this bolded portion is a bit extreme. OP wants to him to move in because she feels it's a pain in the ass to go over to his place all the time. I think she needs to get over it, sure, but I don't think it makes her insecure.
d0nnivain Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Wanting to live with an SO is not insecure in & off itself. Bending over backwards -- he can have his own room, she'll vacate her own home for weekends at a time -- is troubling. She shouldn't have to agree to leave to make him happy & the fact that the OP thought of this with no prompting from the BF raises some red flags in her psyche. Based on the length of the leases involved, it will most likely be another year before this discussion is ripe again. Pushing for a middle ground could have legal & financial repercussions. Just because her BF doesn't want a live-in GF doesn't mean he wants to be single. My husband is one of the most loyal, steady, stable people I know. He didn't want to live together either. Her certainly didn't want his freedom but he wasn't ready for 24/7 at the time his lease expired about 1 year into our relationship. 1
carhill Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 I know he loves me but in his own way. I am his first girlfriend after many years and I know it means something to him. But I cant wait so long for nothing. I think not living together will make our relationship worse than better.Since you also stated you have no current interest in getting married nor having children, then can you accept the reality stated in your post? He loves you in his own way, you are his first girlfriend after many years and you can't wait so long for nothing? Accepting the real is the first step in attempting to resolve differences. If the differences are found to be irreconcilable, the relationship ends. If the current logistics regarding disparate locations are frustrating, his move to new quarters could be timed to mitigate that aspect. You and he can work as a team, with him respecting your desire for constancy and you respecting his desire for independence. Relationships, healthy ones anyway, are often a compromise. No one gets everything they want all of the time, nor nothing they want none of the time. Minds meet or people go their separate ways.
losangelena Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 I agree with most on this thread. My BF and I are in a similar place, in that he's getting a rent hike in October, and he doesn't want to pay it, so he's going to have to start looking for a new place. We've been dating 11 months. However, I DO NOT want to move in together (luckily, he hasn't asked). I have no desire to live with a BF until such time as we decide that we are going to get engaged and married. Moving in together without those future commitments just seems foolish, as the simple act of moving in together is not a guarantee of future promise. However, since I have a stupidly complicated roommate situation, and cannot at this time afford my own place, I have to come to his place to see him. It would be cheaper for him to move south of where he is now, but my house is north and east of here. He told me that he's going to look for a place that's still close to his office, but closer to me to make it easier on me. He came up with that idea all on his own, and I thought it was quite considerate of him. Maybe your BF can do the same—find a place that's closer to you to mitigate some of the distance and traveling. 1
Author PavlaM Posted August 6, 2015 Author Posted August 6, 2015 You're disappointed because you asked a trap question, expecting one answer. You got the answer you didn't expect, and are now upset about it. It doesn't mean anything bad about your relationship.he just isn't ready to move in right now. That's his right. You're desire to cohabitation does not override his need to feel comfortable at home and maintain his current lifestyle. Also, one year is not that much time. In my opinion, too soon to move in. Sounds like he feels the same way. Hello, thank you for your comment. Well I think that will people around 30s, one year of relationship should be enough to know if you want to live with a person or not. The thing is if he didnt have to move out from his current place I would ask. But he has to and I feel that if he will put his energy into this (searching new place, moving out) he will not want to move in another year or so with me.
Author PavlaM Posted August 6, 2015 Author Posted August 6, 2015 You need some time. You need to see that he still loves you and wants to be with you, even if he's not ready to move in together yet. It does not automatically mean you have no future together, so for your own sanity, stop making assumptions about that. Have you ever lived with a boyfriend before? I have, twice. It can dramatically change the dynamic of a relationship, sometimes for the better and other times for the worse. Trust me when I say it's very painful if it doesn't work out. You need to consider that too. Living together doesn't guarantee a future together either. (And I'm speaking from experience!) n He's actually doing the right thing by saying no if he's not ready yet. Backing him into a corner or trying to make compromises (visiting family on weekends, him having his own room) is not going to help. My first serious boyfriend did this, and I foolishly moved in before I was ready. It didn't go well. I tell you this to highlight the importance of him feeling ready too. It doesn't work if only person is. Hello, thank you very much. Yes I lived with a boyfriend few years. I think that it is better if you live together after one year or so. It makes things easier. Also you get to know the person better. For example I have male friend which was dating a girl for 3 years. She was hesitating about movin in together with him. Than she did it. And he relised in 6 months that he cant share a live with her because they are completely different. He actualy wasted this 3 years. I think people should live together but in the way to make compromises so they both feel comfortable. This is how you know if the person is for life or not.
Author PavlaM Posted August 6, 2015 Author Posted August 6, 2015 Take it from me - take your time before you move in with your boyfriend. I was with my boyfriend for almost 3 years when we moved in together. It quickly did not work and the break up/moving out was extremely messy. But the worst part of it was, both our names were on the lease so we felt as if we were stuck in a relationship lease - forcing us to stay together because of the lease for the apartment. So please. Don't rush into moving in together. Enjoy your relationship. I think he's thinking practically by not wanting to move in. I can understand why you are disappointed and upset, but this is not something you want to rush into. Hello, thank you. I am sorry for such a messy breakup. But this is the point. You were dating guy for 3 years, maybe if you moved earlier together with him you would earlier brake up with him and find someone better. Isnt it actualy waste of time just date someone so long and than to move in and realise that he is not a right person. By moving in earlier you can know much sooner. I belive that moving in someone can show if the person is for life or not. It can make things easier, because you are two people for everything. You can make compromises and build a nice home. Or break up because you realise you cant live together
Author PavlaM Posted August 6, 2015 Author Posted August 6, 2015 Payla, my first boyfriend and I talked about living together after a year together. We even found a place! Were getting ready to put deposit down, when suddenly and out of nowhere, he changed his mind! Loved me to death, but *wasn't ready.* After the initial shock, I empathized and understood. Fast forward three years, the guy is 100%, madly in love with me and proposed marriage, presented me with a beautiful diamond ring. It did not work out (I ended it) but the point is, one year is awfully soon, so try and empathize and see things from his perspective. His not being ready is NO reflection on how he feels about you. Give it time. Enjoy the relationship and let things progress gradually and naturally, with NO pushing from you. That's right, pushing. Stop pushing, stop pressuring. Even if that is not your intention, he will feel it and will drive him away. If you can do that, trust me in time he WILL be ready and will be begging to live with you, maybe even marry you !!! Hello, thank you. Yes I decided not to push. I know I was very pushy with my question and it was only a day since he know he has to move out. It was very new for him and stressful. But I know that in some weeks I have to ask again and he has to make a decission. I dont want to spend years dating, than move in (after he will finaly decide) and realise that he is not a right person. Because mostly by living together you realise if you have a life partner next to you or not. Maybe if you have moved in together earlier you would breake up sooner.
Author PavlaM Posted August 6, 2015 Author Posted August 6, 2015 I think my biggest piece of advice would be to please stop humiliating yourself and trying to find ANY way to get him to say yes. You're degrading yourself when you do that. If someone clearly doesn't want to live with you after a year of a close relationship, then you need to reassess if you want to keep going forward with that person or move on to someone else. I don't agree that a year of steady dating - where you're spending almost every single day together - is considered 'not dating long enough to move in together.' I was dating my now-husband for just under one year when I moved in with him and we married a year after that. So I don't agree with that statement. I also don't know how asking someone if they want to move in with you somehow equates to being a 'trap' question, but you'll see a lot of ludicrous assumptions like that here, so take THAT nonsense with a grain of salt. You asked, he said no. That's your reality. If that's the way he feels, you have to respect it. But then again, you're too available to him every day, so he has no need to take it a step farther. Hello, thank you very very much for your opinion
Author PavlaM Posted August 6, 2015 Author Posted August 6, 2015 Give yourself a timescale: min / max time for dating, engagement, living together, marriage, kids etc. Let say to start living together your limit is 12-18 months. If his is 18-24 months - you can negotiate it. If his is 36-48 months - you are incompatible. I don't know the details of your relationship, but if a man of nearly 30 can't make a decision after an year.... It would be a red flag for me. Again, I do not know the circumstances - if it is because of e.g. religious belief, it is just ok. Hello, thank you very much. Yes exactly it is a red flag for me. If we were about 25 it is a different story. But I also have to keep in mind that he never had any proper relationship. He is quite an introvert person that is used to live by himself for 29years. Except one year that he lived with girlfriend due to circumstances because they were moving abroad.
Author PavlaM Posted August 6, 2015 Author Posted August 6, 2015 He's 29 and this is his first committed relationship?....that should be an indication his mindset is going to be different from someone with experience. He's going to be very slow at taking things to the next level. IMO you should take this into consideration as to whether you should invest anymore of your time. Again this is about relationship expectations, and this should be something discussed.....never ever "assume" the relationship is going to follow the normal steps to cohabitating, sharing the bills, and committed to a future together in a certain time frame. Don't be trying to manipulate him into agreeing to what YOU want.....you are making yourself out to be a desperate fool...and you will be the one wasting your own time. Thank you very much. Yes he is very slow in this. He never had a proper relationship before. But I decided not to push and be confident. If he doesnt want to live with me because he has doubt about me even after one year I will not cry about it. Also the thing is that he is quite jellous of me. When I go out or something. Last time he didnt even wanted to let me go to holiday business trip where I was invited by one media agency as a client. For me it is networking, for him it is fear that I will me someone else there. So if he will decide not to live with me, because he has doubts he has to accept that I will go for trips, holiday and spent time as I was used to before we were together.
Recommended Posts