mapofyourhead Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 So I met a guy while I was on vacation. We went on a date, slept together, went out some more, met some of his friends, slept together some more. Kept in contact after that. I was back in his city after a few weeks, and we repeated the same thing. Initially, I wondered if he was actually interested in more than sex/companionship because we hit it off so well and he became increasingly affectionate as we spent more time together, but concluded it was a casual thing. We've been in sporadic contact since then, and he made a point of saying he'd visit me soon. Sometimes we'll actually have decent conversations, but sometimes he doesn't respond at all even if he's the one that initiates the conversation, or responds days later, which is ridiculous. I got annoyed with it real fast and since I had nothing to lose, and I was curious to see what he would say, I called him out on it after he responded to a message I sent last week. Paraphrased conversation: Me: Either talk to me properly, or not at all. Your making conversation and then dropping it is really annoying Him: Okay. Sometimes I forget to send or I get really busy and I can't keep up a convo. I'll make sure I can actually talk when I message you so I don't end up leaving you hanging Me: We both know that's BS. I'm not really sure why you're still talking to me, tbh Him: You're fun to hang out and talk to, and I like when we get to catch up. I enjoy hearing about what you're up to and when you send me pics. I'm traveling for work right now and I have a pretty crazy schedule, compared to when we first met and I didn't have a project to work on. I'm not good at balancing work with other parts of my life, especially when it gets crazy. I know it's not a very good reason, but it's true It SEEMS genuine, but I'm inclined to think it's more BS based on how often he has left me hanging, and is obviously aware of it. My gut tells me he's not intentionally trying to be rude, but I'm not high on his list of priorities (and that's fine). Of course he doesn't owe me an explanation since we're not actually dating or anything, but I would think it's common courtesy to respond to someone when you started the conversation... Is he being truthful or BSing? Or possibly a bit of both. Some friends pointed out that he may not be entirely cognizant of how he's acting. Plus, if he doesn't see me as a high priority, then of course he doesn't feel the need to respond quickly or explain himself. Maybe I'm being too harsh, but he's not worth keeping in touch with if he treats me like this, even if it's just casual. 1
Versacehottie Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 I don't know if he's being truthful or just trying to scramble his way back in. The important part is that he knows where you stand now and his future actions will show you what his intentions are, in terms of attempting to be the type of guy you would want to keep in touch with. You did what you needed to do for yourself and you will just have to see what he does next. My personal opinion/guess is that the way he phrased it sounds like he was clueless or thinking he would get away with it (not in a totally bad way but you know). I think he mentioned ways that he would fix it to you so he doesn't sound like he is just blowing smoke. Good luck
LoveRefreshed Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 I think you're ridiculous. Messaging is something I do when I got a few minutes, I'll drop a line back, go do something else that I want to do and not just sit around waiting for your next message (wash the dishes, read another page or two, play another round of a game). That message probably just made him uninterested. I know if I was on the fence and she sent a message like that, I'd think you're too uptight for me. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Honestly, I don't engage in texting conversations either. (Woman, here) I simply don't have time to carry on a drawn-on chat via text. I respond when I can. Sometimes that means hours after the last text was sent. I have a life; I work. Texting isn't the phone. In my mind, it's not a good medium for conversation but many people appear to treat it like a phone call. However, him taking days to get back to you indicates he's not taking it too seriously. If he were interested in something more with you, there wouldn't be such big gaps in communication. His actions speak louder then his words.
GemmaUK Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Honestly, I don't engage in texting conversations either. (Woman, here) I simply don't have time to carry on a drawn-on chat via text. I respond when I can. Sometimes that means hours after the last text was sent. I have a life; I work. Texting isn't the phone. In my mind, it's not a good medium for conversation but many people appear to treat it like a phone call. I'm also a woman and just the same as this. I wouldn't even have a 'text conversation' where I am meant to sit and wait for replies. OP, it all started out as casual from the sound of it so it just sounds to me like he is continuing it that way.
Author mapofyourhead Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 My personal opinion/guess is that the way he phrased it sounds like he was clueless or thinking he would get away with it (not in a totally bad way but you know). I think he mentioned ways that he would fix it to you so he doesn't sound like he is just blowing smoke. Good luck Yup, sounds like it to me too. Messaging is something I do when I got a few minutes, I'll drop a line back, go do something else that I want to do and not just sit around waiting for your next message (wash the dishes, read another page or two, play another round of a game). That message probably just made him uninterested. I know if I was on the fence and she sent a message like that, I'd think you're too uptight for me. Right, same here. I don't care if someone takes a while to respond but taking several days is too much. And that's okay if it did, I only wanted to see what he would say. I'm not interested in carrying on with him anymore, otherwise I wouldn't have sent something like that. However, him taking days to get back to you indicates he's not taking it too seriously. If he were interested in something more with you, there wouldn't be such big gaps in communication. His actions speak louder then his words. Agreed. Most of the guys I've dated have been pretty black and white in their interest, so this back-and-forth has been weird to me. Guess I just wanted confirmation that what I thought was right!
jen1447 Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Is he being truthful or BSing? Or possibly a bit of both. Some friends pointed out that he may not be entirely cognizant of how he's acting. Plus, if he doesn't see me as a high priority, then of course he doesn't feel the need to respond quickly or explain himself. Bolded. IMO not exactly BSing, just acting accordingly toward a low priority. It is generally BS tho when someone says they're too busy to return texts in a timely manner or that they forgot to hit send (lol), no matter if its universal that ppl have text conversations or not. (Plus there's precedent for successful text conversations here, so it's really moot whether others approve of text conversations or not - they had them, they worked, and then he changed his behavior.) My take is it is indeed common courtesy to respond when someone talks to you, whether it be in person, phone, or text. If that person takes too many liberties with your time, fine. Tell them so. Ignoring or delaying is rude. 2
anduina Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 This is the classic sign of a guy who's juggling or not serious. If you're looking for a serious relationship, it's time to look elsewhere. If you're fine with a no strings FWB, then respond to his texts when the mood strikes you. If it takes a week to respond to his text, don't worry about it. 1
Maleficent Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Bolded. IMO not exactly BSing, just acting accordingly toward a low priority. It is generally BS tho when someone says they're too busy to return texts in a timely manner or that they forgot to hit send (lol), no matter if its universal that ppl have text conversations or not. (Plus there's precedent for successful text conversations here, so it's really moot whether others approve of text conversations or not - they had them, they worked, and then he changed his behavior.) My take is it is indeed common courtesy to respond when someone talks to you, whether it be in person, phone, or text. If that person takes too many liberties with your time, fine. Tell them so. Ignoring or delaying is rude. So much of this. At the very least, text 'just got busy talk to you later' if something suddenly comes up and you have to end the conversation. However, OP the way you are paraphrasing makes it look like you were a little harsh about it. First, it's texting. The reason why you text is so the conversation doesn't affect your daily activities. If you want to have a conversation, get together (as in the same room) Also, calling him out the way you did is too accusing. I would have worded it more like 'hey next time can you please let me know you got busy and have to end a conversation? I'd like that better thanks.' When you accuse people, they don't like it and tend to become defensive Also, telling him 'we both know that's BS'...really? 1
katiegrl Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Also, telling him 'we both know that's BS'...really? Tough cookie .... :) 1
Zippy2000 Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Unsure if its a good idea to call someone out on their behaviour. Be a Don Juan. lol 1) A Don Juan never gets upset. A Don Juan is always in complete control of his emotions. He doesn't get mad when a girl fails to return his call. He doesn't become depressed when she breaks the date. He doesn't get jealous when she flirts with some other guy. He doesn't become irate when she doesn't show up at the restaurant or she shows up late. He doesn't react in any of these ways because he EXPECTS these little annoyances to occur. He understands that women are flaky. Women are moody. Women are illogical and very inconsistent. (Especially women with low to moderate initial interest.) He also understands that it's TOO EARLY to expect consistent positive behavior. Remember, these are women who hardly know you. Maybe women you met at the mall, on the street, at a grocery store. They don't have any reason YET to display signs of high interest. It's your Don Juan job to give them the reasons. But that takes a little bit of time together.
preraph Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 You called him out. Now see if he tries to do better. He might. But if he does do better, drop the attitude. Lots of guys do better if you call them out. Others, women are disposable to them, so they'll just move on to a nice quiet one.
smackie9 Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 He's not a bad guy, it's because you have very different expectations. For some people space is wonderful to go and do your own thing, others want the BF/GF experience of continual contact, and all that flirty or mushy stuff to be a part of the sexual encounters. Don't sit there with your arms folded and squawk at him, dump him and find someone who likes to pay attentions to you the way you want them to, and wants to invest his time in you. Tip: date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. So don't put up with it, just go find it elsewhere. 1
katiegrl Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 Unsure if its a good idea to call someone out on their behaviour. Be a Don Juan. lol 1) A Don Juan never gets upset. A Don Juan is always in complete control of his emotions. He doesn't get mad when a girl fails to return his call. He doesn't become depressed when she breaks the date. He doesn't get jealous when she flirts with some other guy. He doesn't become irate when she doesn't show up at the restaurant or she shows up late. He doesn't react in any of these ways because he EXPECTS these little annoyances to occur. He understands that women are flaky. Women are moody. Women are illogical and very inconsistent. (Especially women with low to moderate initial interest.) He also understands that it's TOO EARLY to expect consistent positive behavior. Remember, these are women who hardly know you. Maybe women you met at the mall, on the street, at a grocery store. They don't have any reason YET to display signs of high interest. It's your Don Juan job to give them the reasons. But that takes a little bit of time together. So what is the female version of a "Don Juan" called? And do the same rules apply? Maybe you missed it (first sentence of her original post), but the OP is a woman...
katiegrl Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 (edited) He's not a bad guy, it's because you have very different expectations. For some people space is wonderful to go and do your own thing, others want the BF/GF experience of continual contact, and all that flirty or mushy stuff to be a part of the sexual encounters. Don't sit there with your arms folded and squawk at him, dump him and find someone who likes to pay attentions to you the way you want them to, and wants to invest his time in you. Tip: date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. So don't put up with it, just go find it elsewhere. Space IS a wonderful thing...if one is SECURE in their relationship. For those who are not secure..."space" can be nerve-wracking....as they associate their partner needing "space" as meaning "I'm not interested." I think if people did not associate needing space as meaning "I'm not interested" (or as interested as I used to be)...people would be less anxious, less needy, more confident and would be happy to do their own thing. It's the uncertainty of what their partner needing space means, that causes all the turmoil...IMO. And insecurity/anxiety/uncertainty can cause us to act out in all sorts or unflattering ways...that later, when we look back, we're like "OMG, what was I thinking"??? Which may be why the OP lashed out the way she did. She was angry because she was feeling anxious, uncertain and insecure about this guy's behavior...and NO ONE likes feeling that way...makes us feel crazy and pisses us off! LOL But yeah, when you're really confident and feel safe and secure in your relationship....space and doing your own thing truly is a wonderful thing!! Edited August 6, 2015 by katiegrl 2
Author mapofyourhead Posted August 6, 2015 Author Posted August 6, 2015 It is generally BS tho when someone says they're too busy to return texts in a timely manner or that they forgot to hit send (lol), no matter if its universal that ppl have text conversations or not. Lol, I giggled when I read the "forgot to hit send." However, OP the way you are paraphrasing makes it look like you were a little harsh about it. Also, calling him out the way you did is too accusing. I would have worded it more like 'hey next time can you please let me know you got busy and have to end a conversation? I'd like that better thanks.' Also, telling him 'we both know that's BS'...really? I know, I was purposely blunt and harsh. I don't usually talk to people like that at all. I had brought it up very nicely a few weeks ago. He's not a bad guy, it's because you have very different expectations. For some people space is wonderful to go and do your own thing, others want the BF/GF experience of continual contact, and all that flirty or mushy stuff to be a part of the sexual encounters. Don't sit there with your arms folded and squawk at him, dump him and find someone who likes to pay attentions to you the way you want them to, and wants to invest his time in you. Tip: date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. So don't put up with it, just go find it elsewhere. I don't think he's a bad guy at all. It's true that I expected a bit more (e.g. not ignoring me or taking days to respond), and it took me a while to figure out whether what I got from him was worth putting up with his behavior. And insecurity/anxiety/uncertainty can cause us to act out in all sorts or unflattering ways...that later, when we look back, we're like "OMG, what was I thinking"??? Which may be why the OP lashed out the way she did. She was angry because she was feeling anxious, uncertain and insecure about this guy's behavior...and NO ONE likes feeling that way...makes us feel crazy and pisses us off! LOL I do tend to be anxious and overthink when it comes to dating. Tbh I was mostly curious as to what he would say/how he would respond. I know what I said was rather b*tchy, lol. But, again, I did it intentionally. Thanks for all the responses guys. I appreciate the different perspectives.
Author mapofyourhead Posted August 6, 2015 Author Posted August 6, 2015 Unsure if its a good idea to call someone out on their behaviour. Be a Don Juan. lol No, I don't think it usually is. If I were actually invested in this, I would have been much more delicate about it. Does being a Don Juan apply to women too?
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