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Married Men - .WHY do you think being dishonest with OW/W is "sparing" them.....

laurar

By laurar
in General Relationship Discussion

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laurar New Member

laurar

Posted
Posted

Starting a new thread since I have questions after reading the comments of a MM in another thread here.

 

MM out there...WHY do you think being dishonest with OW/W is "sparing" them your guilt? Guilt IS the proper emotion to have when being dishonest with people you claim to love. Guilt should prompt honesty...not trips to a therapist. Why do you not be honest with your wife and let HER decide how she wants to proceed? Why not be honest with the OW about where she REALLY stands in your life? Doesn't the selfish act of withholding the truth and keeping two women from making serious decisions about their lives compound/make worse the guilt?

 

Personally, if I had an H cheating, I'd like the truth. To truly unburden oneself is to release the guilt.

 

I don't get it.

 

MM out there? Aren't you really just trying to preserve your "cake eating status" by withholding the truth about the affair from both women?

  • Like 2
jbrent890 Established Member

jbrent890

Posted
Posted
Starting a new thread since I have questions after reading the comments of a MM in another thread here.

 

MM out there...WHY do you think being dishonest with OW/W is "sparing" them your guilt? Guilt IS the proper emotion to have when being dishonest with people you claim to love. Guilt should prompt honesty...not trips to a therapist. Why do you not be honest with your wife and let HER decide how she wants to proceed? Why not be honest with the OW about where she REALLY stands in your life? Doesn't the selfish act of withholding the truth and keeping two women from making serious decisions about their lives compound/make worse the guilt?

 

Personally, if I had an H cheating, I'd like the truth. To truly unburden oneself is to release the guilt.

 

I don't get it.

 

MM out there? Aren't you really just trying to preserve your "cake eating status" by withholding the truth about the affair from both women?

 

I'm not a married man, but if you don't mind, I will like to take a stab at this question. First, lying to the spouse or AP is not gender specific. Most male and female cheaters do this. If I had to guess, I would say that they do this because they don't like seeing themselves as bad people. You will hear a lot of cheater say that they are good people, they just made stupid decisions. So them lying to their spouses or APs as a way to protect them is their way of trying to see themselves as good people. Sadly, I don't think most cheaters believe it, but they will fight tooth and nail to convince themselves and others that they are good people. Now, do I think cheaters will be monsters forever? Of course not. I think everybody is entitled to redemption and I have seen a lot of waywards on this forum change for the better. But this does not happen unless the cheaters are willing to get rid of the behaviors that got them in their predicaments, one of which includes lying.

  • Like 5
Ifalltopieces Established Member

Ifalltopieces

Posted
Posted

Good question...what I wanna know is this:

 

Do MM ever tell the truth?

 

Seems to me like they must have all been cut from the same mold.

 

It's terrifying to read the posts of others, when I see verbatim things I've been told. Did they all take a class on how to deceive?

  • Like 1
regine_phalange Established Member

regine_phalange

Posted
Posted

I think most married people in affairs feel trapped in a situation inside the marriage and this is a way for them to deal with their feelings while "saving" their marriage. Very dysfunctional way to deal with problems if you want my opinion, and fear of confrontation. Other women or men are merely a tool or a distraction most of the times (or at least that's how I see it). This is why I'd never want to be an OW. It's never about the OW. If the feelings are truly strong and genuine then the divorce is genuinely desired.

  • Like 2
carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

I was honest with both parties and introduced them to each other. I think, at that point, I'd had my fill of women and just wanted to conclude my caregiving responsibilities and get away from them permanently so there was no reason nor advantage to deception. Worked great.

Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

Posted
Posted
I think most married people in affairs feel trapped in a situation inside the marriage and this is a way for them to deal with their feelings while "saving" their marriage. Very dysfunctional way to deal with problems if you want my opinion, and fear of confrontation. Other women or men are merely a tool or a distraction most of the times (or at least that's how I see it). This is why I'd never want to be an OW. It's never about the OW. If the feelings are truly strong and genuine then the divorce is genuinely desired.

 

RP nails it here ^^^

 

My exH actually said that his affair was "just a distraction until things got better at home".

 

The sad thing was that if he'd put as much effort into the marriage as the affair we might have had a better outcome....:rolleyes:

 

(this is all assuming you can believe one word he said)

daisygirl19 Established Member

daisygirl19

Posted
Posted

Initially, my MM denied the A when she first suspected. At that point it was an EA only but we were a couple of years into it. Honestly, I don't think either us recognized it for what it was until much later. In hindsight, she was clued in well before we were. Woman's intuition I guess. Once he decided to leave, he admitted to an EA. As far the PA, she has told us both she does not want to know. He and I have talked about what we would say if she changed her mind and wanted details. I think if she knew the details, it may help her move on and not wonder if she could have done something to prevent him from leaving. He disagrees. He thinks that it would be cruel to tell her now that they've been separated for over a year and a half.

oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

Posted
Posted

I'm married but not cheating.

 

If I was cheating however, I assume I would have to lie about a variety of things to both women otherwise neither woman would keep putting out.

 

That doesn't seem like rocket science to me. I don't see why that isn't self evident and obvious.

 

If you are involved with a MM it is completely naive and unrealistic that he is going to be honest with anyone.

 

Lying and deceiving and betraying are what makes cheaters cheaters. To think that they'll do otherwise is simply being dumb.

  • Like 3
Quiet Storm Established Member

Quiet Storm

Posted
Posted

Most are conflict avoiders.

 

They say they are protecting a woman's feelings, but the truth is they are protecting themselves from having to deal with the woman's feelings.

 

It's not just about avoiding conflict with others. They also avoid conflict within themselves, avoiding negative thoughts and feelings like guilt or shame.

 

Many aren't self aware enough to realize this, though. Which is why most won't ever change.

jbrent890 Established Member

jbrent890

Posted
Posted (edited)

I would like to add that another reason MM/W do this is control. When they are cheating and they trying to R, they have to be in the driver's seat. To be honest, I notice this more when the WS is trying to R with the BS. If they are completely honest with the the BS, then that gives them the power to make informed decisions. A lot of Betrayed with that power choose to leave the marriage. That is a very tough pill for a wayward to swallow. Not only are their affairs over, but their marriages are as well. I see a lot of waywards try to go back to their AP's when their BS's leave them. I also see a lot of wawyards react harshly to the BS when this happens. You will sometimes hear of the WS trying to paint the BS as the bad one to their social circle.

 

At the end of the day, cheaters do not want to end up with nothing even though they say they have no problems letting their BSs go. I roll my eyes whenever I see cheaters say that. If thats the case, why are you continuing to lie to them? Because telling their BS's the truth gives the them power that the cheater does not want to give up. They lie to control the narrative and cake eat. Plain and simple. And yes, they do this with their AP's too. This is why I often say, if you have to catch your spouse in an affair, you should leave. The chances of them being completely honest with you from the start are very slim. Most times, it takes months just to get 75% of the truth. I hope this doesn't offend anyone trying to R, but it just doesn't seem worth it to me, unless your willing to accept you are more than likely never going to know the full truth.

Edited by jbrent890
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