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Moving on with regrets

laelithia

By laelithia
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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laelithia Established Member

laelithia

Posted
Posted

Hi Everyone,

 

I'm here posting again of another break up. Two weeks ago my boyfriend (C, I've written about him before) decided to end our relationship. I have struggled with this for obvious reasons, but most of all I can't shake the feeling he called it too soon. A week before he ended it, I had pushed a conversation on why he stopped initiating physical intimacy. He hates having uncomfortable conversations, but I truly felt that we needed to get to the bottom of it. After many minutes of me asking questions and pushing him when he didn't say anything, he finally angrily blurted "well I'm getting fatter, you're getting fatter, our lifestyle is crappy" and he left it at that. I was slightly hurt as I don't think I've gained much weight (5'4, 125 lbs) but he definitely had. Anyway, I left it at that and gave him space for a day. The next day I texted him and he did not respond. I went over to his place after work, and he basically said he needed a few days and was very cold. I waited 3 or 4 days and on the weekend brought it up. He then said he didn't think he wanted to be in a relationship anymore, that he found it difficult to manage his emotions let alone mine in the mix. He also said he hasn't had romantic physical feelings for me and the "passion died". This is someone who I dated in the past, and I can't see how he lost attraction when we've always had chemistry.

 

Fast forward to today, I'm struggling with regret of pushing the argument that led to the break up. I'm also struggling with feeling like if I had given him some more space in the relationship and cultivated my life more, we wouldn't be here. It's also tricky because we have mutual friends and I've seen them since and they say he's doing ok but that "he seems confused". I helped him move last weekend since I said I would before the break up but it was so hard seeing his new great place that he kept saying he was excited to have me around in (he has a new big bed now, a bath, etc) I'm truly heartbroken over this as most of all I hate losing my best friend. He said he wanted a clean break but he hasn't necessarily been sticking to that. Either way I'm trying to move on but it's difficult since I regret many things. I found out he's on tinder now and likely seeing other women which breaks my heart further since he said he wanted to be alone and wasn't ready for a relationship. I guess tinder isn't for finding those usually. He also booked a 5 week trip to Asia while we weren't talking but he had brought it up to me before, but that now he wanted his freedom to be single on that trip as "something was bound to happen". This was a direct conflict to what he had been saying about the trip before our argument. I just wish I didn't push an argument that led to all this, maybe we'd still be together today.

 

How do I start to heal and forget the things that could have gone differently? Or perhaps I need to accept that they couldn't have and it just wasn't what he wanted.

  • Like 1
Ariess10 Established Member

Ariess10

Posted
Posted
Hi Everyone,

 

I'm here posting again of another break up. Two weeks ago my boyfriend (C, I've written about him before) decided to end our relationship. I have struggled with this for obvious reasons, but most of all I can't shake the feeling he called it too soon. A week before he ended it, I had pushed a conversation on why he stopped initiating physical intimacy. He hates having uncomfortable conversations, but I truly felt that we needed to get to the bottom of it. After many minutes of me asking questions and pushing him when he didn't say anything, he finally angrily blurted "well I'm getting fatter, you're getting fatter, our lifestyle is crappy" and he left it at that. I was slightly hurt as I don't think I've gained much weight (5'4, 125 lbs) but he definitely had. Anyway, I left it at that and gave him space for a day. The next day I texted him and he did not respond. I went over to his place after work, and he basically said he needed a few days and was very cold. I waited 3 or 4 days and on the weekend brought it up. He then said he didn't think he wanted to be in a relationship anymore, that he found it difficult to manage his emotions let alone mine in the mix. He also said he hasn't had romantic physical feelings for me and the "passion died". This is someone who I dated in the past, and I can't see how he lost attraction when we've always had chemistry.

 

Fast forward to today, I'm struggling with regret of pushing the argument that led to the break up. I'm also struggling with feeling like if I had given him some more space in the relationship and cultivated my life more, we wouldn't be here. It's also tricky because we have mutual friends and I've seen them since and they say he's doing ok but that "he seems confused". I helped him move last weekend since I said I would before the break up but it was so hard seeing his new great place that he kept saying he was excited to have me around in (he has a new big bed now, a bath, etc) I'm truly heartbroken over this as most of all I hate losing my best friend. He said he wanted a clean break but he hasn't necessarily been sticking to that. Either way I'm trying to move on but it's difficult since I regret many things. I found out he's on tinder now and likely seeing other women which breaks my heart further since he said he wanted to be alone and wasn't ready for a relationship. I guess tinder isn't for finding those usually. He also booked a 5 week trip to Asia while we weren't talking but he had brought it up to me before, but that now he wanted his freedom to be single on that trip as "something was bound to happen". This was a direct conflict to what he had been saying about the trip before our argument. I just wish I didn't push an argument that led to all this, maybe we'd still be together today.

 

How do I start to heal and forget the things that could have gone differently? Or perhaps I need to accept that they couldn't have and it just wasn't what he wanted.

you can't change what happened, it's the past it went down the way it was supposed to go .. Start your healing and move on
  • Like 1
Satu Established Member

Satu

Posted
Posted

The healing has two main components:

 

1. Accepting reality exactly as it is, even if you don't like it.

 

2. Successfully adapting to that reality.

 

 

Which means accepting that the relationship is over for both of you. You are now a single person, and so is he. He will meet someone new, and so will you.

 

Restructuring your new life as a single person so that it is satisfying and rewarding.

 

Start with the acceptance part.

 

A little bit further down the line, you will acquire a shiny new boyfriend who is nuts about you.

 

Thats how it goes.

  • Like 3
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laelithia Established Member

laelithia

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thank you for your replies. I did everything I could to salvage the relationship (maybe tried too hard) but he said at the end of the day his heart "wanted other things". I just wanted it to work out so badly and thought he did too. He introduced me to all his friends and most of his family (including extended) and he met mine. I just decide it was over mere weeks after that.

 

I'm also struggling with the last time I talked to him about the break up, I asked him if he cared about me at all and he said obviously. But when I said if he did he wouldn't have been so cruel and acted this way and I told him to admit he didn't and so he said "yeah, I never cared" and when I asked him if that was the truth he said yes. How could someone who was in my life for 2 years, a friend, and a lover say that? I just don't understand and part of me wants to ask him again if it were really true or he just said that to make me go away...

  • Like 1
aloneinaz Established Member

aloneinaz

Posted
Posted

You need to accept that in his mind, the relationship ran its course and he's over it. Obviously, it happens all the time though it doesn't make it any easier.

 

 

Don't beat yourself up for "pushing" him or anything else you feel that may of pushed him away. He was already done and checked out at that point.

 

 

Now, the hard part. He wants to move on. He's joined Tinder to get laid or find his next girl. You need to move on as well. When you're hurting for someone, having continual contact with them is only keeping you in pain.

 

 

You need to cut contact w/him for you to heal. Right now, you're allowing him to kick you out of his life as his lover and still have benefits of you helping him. He has his cake and is eating it too. Don't allow him that and worry about what's in YOUR best interests.

 

 

Stay NC, let him live his life while you heal and move onto someone is wants YOU.

  • Like 2
Satu Established Member

Satu

Posted
Posted

Snip:

 

 

I'm also struggling with the last time I talked to him about the break up, I asked him if he cared about me at all and he said obviously. But when I said if he did he wouldn't have been so cruel and acted this way and I told him to admit he didn't and so he said "yeah, I never cared" and when I asked him if that was the truth he said yes.

 

I'm going to give you some active mirroring here.

 

By asking him that question in that way, you made him feel that you were pressuring him.

 

When you make someone feel pressured, they naturally want you to back off.

 

By the time you got to, "Yeah, I never cared," he just wanted you to go away.

 

Ease up on the intensity of your expressed emotion.

 

 

Take care.

  • Like 2
Ariess10 Established Member

Ariess10

Posted
Posted

Some wise words have been spoken !!

  • Like 1
unsaved Established Member

unsaved

Posted
Posted

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I am here with you and support you completely.

 

I hate to say it, but Aries is absolutely right. It went down the way it was supposed to go down. In fact, had it not happened that day, it was just going to happen later. The reality is that he was thinking about it or feeling confused or feeling luke warm about you or feeling wishy washy about you for awhile. He just never had anything that pushed him to actually break up with you. He was comfortable. Doing it earlier wasn't convenient. Maybe he still isn't exactly sure what he wants in his life. No matter which option, he knew he wanted to get out. For whatever reason, that conversation you brought up and that moment was the moment for him, so he took it. Otherwise, he just would've done it later. Or, you would've been the one bringing it up later too (sex would've gotten worse, he would've stopped putting out effort in other areas, you would've brought it up that things were getting worse. He would've done it then.)

 

Same thing basically just happened to me about 1 month ago. Been dating for over a year. Met his whole family, friends, was completely involved in his entire life, said I love you, didn't fight, went on trips all over, everything in common, a seemingly good relationship. In fact, we just got back from a trip to NYC 3 days before our breakup. Toward the end despite everything being pretty good, I had one teeny tiny inkling that maybe something was wrong due to some odd feelings I had and a few changes in his behaviors in the past 2 days after we got back from the trip. So, I asked if something was wrong. That then sparked him getting angry and bringing up other, completely unrelated things that I had no idea about and him not wanting to be with me anymore. He was cruel. He was heartless. At our final breakup, he told me he never loved me and basically didn't care. I had nothing to say or argue. Ever since that conversation, i've been NC.

 

It's awful. And unfair. And hurts. And I wonder daily how he could leave me after how happy we were. It's crazy. How could he not be missing me right now? Surely he'll come back!!? I STILL feel blindsided even 1 month later. But, we HAVE to look at the reality. These guys left us for a reason. Whether it was another person who prompted it, or the fact that he just didn't want to be with me anymore. Either way, I deserve better than that. I don't deserve to have a guy be "wishy washy" about me or not sure. If he's not sure now, he never will be. I promise, if you stay NC, you will realize that no one who really loves you would ever do this to you. I accept it and I (try to) move on.

 

Anyway, it will take time to get to this point. Stay strong. I'm here with you.

  • Like 3
Ariess10 Established Member

Ariess10

Posted
Posted

That's some great advise !! We all deserve better

  • Like 1
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laelithia Established Member

laelithia

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I am here with you and support you completely.

 

I hate to say it, but Aries is absolutely right. It went down the way it was supposed to go down. In fact, had it not happened that day, it was just going to happen later. The reality is that he was thinking about it or feeling confused or feeling luke warm about you or feeling wishy washy about you for awhile. He just never had anything that pushed him to actually break up with you. He was comfortable. Doing it earlier wasn't convenient. Maybe he still isn't exactly sure what he wants in his life. No matter which option, he knew he wanted to get out. For whatever reason, that conversation you brought up and that moment was the moment for him, so he took it. Otherwise, he just would've done it later. Or, you would've been the one bringing it up later too (sex would've gotten worse, he would've stopped putting out effort in other areas, you would've brought it up that things were getting worse. He would've done it then.)

 

Same thing basically just happened to me about 1 month ago. Been dating for over a year. Met his whole family, friends, was completely involved in his entire life, said I love you, didn't fight, went on trips all over, everything in common, a seemingly good relationship. In fact, we just got back from a trip to NYC 3 days before our breakup. Toward the end despite everything being pretty good, I had one teeny tiny inkling that maybe something was wrong due to some odd feelings I had and a few changes in his behaviors in the past 2 days after we got back from the trip. So, I asked if something was wrong. That then sparked him getting angry and bringing up other, completely unrelated things that I had no idea about and him not wanting to be with me anymore. He was cruel. He was heartless. At our final breakup, he told me he never loved me and basically didn't care. I had nothing to say or argue. Ever since that conversation, i've been NC.

 

It's awful. And unfair. And hurts. And I wonder daily how he could leave me after how happy we were. It's crazy. How could he not be missing me right now? Surely he'll come back!!? I STILL feel blindsided even 1 month later. But, we HAVE to look at the reality. These guys left us for a reason. Whether it was another person who prompted it, or the fact that he just didn't want to be with me anymore. Either way, I deserve better than that. I don't deserve to have a guy be "wishy washy" about me or not sure. If he's not sure now, he never will be. I promise, if you stay NC, you will realize that no one who really loves you would ever do this to you. I accept it and I (try to) move on.

 

Anyway, it will take time to get to this point. Stay strong. I'm here with you.

 

I can't tell you how much this post meant to me! Everything you said is so true and I am so grateful for your support. We can get through this!

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laelithia Established Member

laelithia

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Snip:

 

 

 

I'm going to give you some active mirroring here.

 

By asking him that question in that way, you made him feel that you were pressuring him.

 

When you make someone feel pressured, they naturally want you to back off.

 

By the time you got to, "Yeah, I never cared," he just wanted you to go away.

 

Ease up on the intensity of your expressed emotion.

 

 

Take care.

 

Do you think the way that I pushed him into talking about things he didn't want to led to the break up? Or that it was going to come eventually anyway?

Meli22 Established Member

Meli22

Posted
Posted

OP you did nothing wrong. You didn't push him and your questions didn't prompt this break up. Ignore anyone who says otherwise. You said it yourself, he lost interest in sex - that's a huge red flag. He was unhappy about something and you may never know what but take comfort in the fact that it probably Isn't you personally (also take comfort in the fact that he got fatter than you did).

 

I've been there myself, 5 months ago. In fact it started around November last year - the lukewarm, wishy washiness, turning down any sort of intimacy when I was putting myself on a plate for him. You name it. He couldn't explain it either. It's frustrating beyond belief and I chose to stand by his side until I'd had enough, was sick to death of him treating me like some kind of disease, and so I walked away. Like you I wondered.. What if I had done this or that? Maybe if I had gave it more time? Truth is we did the most natural thing that anyone in our positions would do. You had questions, you wanted to know and you definitely deserved to know why he was suddenly having this change of heart.

 

It's been 5 months since my breakup. My ego is still bruised; why wasn't I good enough for him? But I'm starting to realise I had a VERY lucky escape (our relationship had issues) and that it's probably nothing that I did or didn't do. Without sounding big headed, I'm not a bad catch. And any guy I'm with gets my 100% attention and devotion. You will be in my exact mindset soon enough, believe this :)

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