No_Go Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 .....Inspired from another OP tread..... I am really puzzled with my bf's responses about his past. He never shared about past relationships (said he's not very experienced - I believe him), but I am very concerned with the following big fours: 1) Criminal Past 2) Addictions & Mental Ilnesses 3) Diseases, especially genetic disorders I shared with him all sort of personal details, including past abuse etc. I though this will make him closer and more open, but he seems to be getting increasingly uncomfortable even when I share. He told me something in lines of you share a little to "new friends" , act to see how they respond / share back, then share more.... Everyone has made mistakes in the past, I care about the presence and future..... It is good to share but after you get track-record of reliability.... I keep wondering does this means he's hiding some major ugly story that he thinks I'm not ready to hear. I told him I'll run the hills if "someone" is hiding something important from me for months or years, not he but in general. Still he kept secretive. Do I have a reason to worry? (I come from a different culture, I don't know how to gauge reactions of people in the US) 1
Vercetti Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 I'll be honest with you. I'm 36 between 17 - 19 was basically a club kid. Bad checks, credit cards, drugs, had legal issues. Now does the fact was a drugged up criminal 17 years ago have much importance now? Hah if anything being around me will keep you safe from paper crime and users...I know what to avoid and look for. Anyhow why would I disclose these things. They have little to do with me now and even less with emotional connection in a relationship. Mistakes during a expermantal phase in life. If anything I'm happy with the lessons learned and how early learned them. Some figure out much older and some never. Because of those things avoided my peers and my 20s ended up with things most fail to accomplish in a lifetime. Own not mortgage land / cars / house / savings / investments / long term relationships / studio and artistic connections / ties to community that can accomplish tangable things. So what of boyfriend's past worried about? Rape / murder / gay porn seem to be the only...Maybe can't get overs. 1
deadelvis Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 distant past is way different than recent/ongoing. "Did drugs in high school" is not the same as "just got clean last month".
Author No_Go Posted August 4, 2015 Author Posted August 4, 2015 It is about informed choice. I am sure presenting your past to your gf in the way you did here she'll be ok with it. Not sure if she discovers it via criminal background check... It is about owning your past and respecting your partner's right of informed decision. I'll be honest with you. I'm 36 between 17 - 19 was basically a club kid. Bad checks, credit cards, drugs, had legal issues. Now does the fact was a drugged up criminal 17 years ago have much importance now? Hah if anything being around me will keep you safe from paper crime and users...I know what to avoid and look for. Anyhow why would I disclose these things. They have little to do with me now and even less with emotional connection in a relationship. Mistakes during a expermantal phase in life. If anything I'm happy with the lessons learned and how early learned them. Some figure out much older and some never. Because of those things avoided my peers and my 20s ended up with things most fail to accomplish in a lifetime. Own not mortgage land / cars / house / savings / investments / long term relationships / studio and artistic connections / ties to community that can accomplish tangable things. So what of boyfriend's past worried about? Rape / murder / gay porn seem to be the only...Maybe can't get overs. 1
Author No_Go Posted August 4, 2015 Author Posted August 4, 2015 distant past is way different than recent/ongoing. "Did drugs in high school" is not the same as "just got clean last month". Sure. An ex that was "drinking a little too much" turned to have a whole record of DUIs, assaults, drug usage... I learned after I shared a lease with him. It was not a past, he was out of jail just a few months before I got involved with him (yeah, was a secret before we moved in.... ) 1
Vercetti Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 Sure. An ex that was "drinking a little too much" turned to have a whole record of DUIs, assaults, drug usage... I learned after I shared a lease with him. It was not a past, he was out of jail just a few months before I got involved with him (yeah, was a secret before we moved in.... ) That's what I m ran by those that don't learn. Just got out of jail and goes back to the very things that got him there. Perhaps should have been locked up longer to sober up and think straight. Sorry you got pulled into his stupidity. 2
Gaeta Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 1) Criminal Past 2) Addictions & Mental Ilnesses 3) Diseases, especially genetic disorders Ask him directly these 3 questions and if he refuses to give you an answer than drop him. These are too important to you to gamble with them. What he is doing is he's waiting for you to get emotionally too attached when he drops a bomb on you. 2
mystikmind2005 Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 People who have difficulty discussing the past is a sure sign they have either not dealt with it/made peace with it and or not over it. This is why i do not accept the saying "the past is the past". Also because what the past is... it is a part of them, and they are the one i am trying to get to know! 2
Satu Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Its been scientifically proven that all boyfriends are either evil from the beginning, or become evil over time. They can still be fun, though. 2
autumnnight Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Once it becomes clear that there is an attachment and a movement toward real intimacy, then the pertinent info needs to be on the table, IMO. The whole world doesn't have the right to my business and my past....but if I am headed toward an intimate relationship with a man, then yes, I think he deserves to know the major "stuff" about my life. And I want to know that big stuff about his. 1
HereNorThere Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 I can't imagine just coming out and asking someone deep, personal questions about their past. I like to give people a chance to be who they want to be and not make them a prisoner to all of their past mistakes. If there's something that would immediately effect me like an being a carrier of an STD, sure, I have a right to know that, but otherwise, I really don't feel the need to run a federal background check on someone. Personally, there are a lot of questions I simply will not answer. I'm not asking someone how many sexual partners they've had and I won't answer that question. I would gladly go take an std test with a partner, but that's about it.
mystikmind2005 Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Its been scientifically proven that all boyfriends are either evil from the beginning, or become evil over time. They can still be fun, though. Hahahaha Can i say it has been scientifically proven that all girlfriends are either whingers from the beginning or become whingers over time? lol 2
Author No_Go Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 Ask him directly these 3 questions and if he refuses to give you an answer than drop him. These are too important to you to gamble with them. What he is doing is he's waiting for you to get emotionally too attached when he drops a bomb on you. Your last statement is what scares me to death. And I do think he's preparing me for something (citing: " I do not think things should be hidden forever, but let's first establish trust with the person" - talking about friendships but you see where it is going). It could be something small that he is making a big fuss for himself, could be one of the 3 above. The worst case scenario: if I confront with direct 3 questions AND there is something, don't you think a negative answer can still be given? An answer could be genuine or not......
Gaeta Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 The worst case scenario: if I confront with direct 3 questions AND there is something, don't you think a negative answer can still be given? An answer could be genuine or not...... You: Do you have a criminal record Him: Answers yes or no and you deal with the answer as you see fit. You: Do you have a criminal record Him: I don't want to answer this question. You leave him behind in the dust. 2
Author No_Go Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 Here I don't care about past sexual partners or immediate treats (I think the later is not the case, I'd now it by now). But if there was an event - criminal act, major illness or mental condition, as a partner I NEED to know and decide for myself am I willing to take the risk (even if it is just severe PTSD developed from one of the mentioned). Confronting directly with questions seems like a bad strategy though. I personally have nothing to hide, but still if someone confronts and interrogates me, I'd feel uneasy.This must be magnitudes worse for people with "past". I can't imagine just coming out and asking someone deep, personal questions about their past. I like to give people a chance to be who they want to be and not make them a prisoner to all of their past mistakes. If there's something that would immediately effect me like an being a carrier of an STD, sure, I have a right to know that, but otherwise, I really don't feel the need to run a federal background check on someone. Personally, there are a lot of questions I simply will not answer. I'm not asking someone how many sexual partners they've had and I won't answer that question. I would gladly go take an std test with a partner, but that's about it.
Author No_Go Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 Ok, I see your strategy. Only caveat: false "no" in the first case scenario (which I assume a person that really hides something BIG may say out of fear) You: Do you have a criminal record Him: Answers yes or no and you deal with the answer as you see fit. You: Do you have a criminal record Him: I don't want to answer this question. You leave him behind in the dust.
Gaeta Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Confronting directly with questions seems like a bad strategy though. I personally have nothing to hide, but still if someone confronts and interrogates me, I'd feel uneasy.This must be magnitudes worse for people with "past". It's not interrogating or confronting. It's simply asking a smart question. Do you want to invest one more minute in a man that may have had accused of domestic violence? About someone who's been found guilty of rape? or even worse someone who was found guilty of sexually molesting children? 1
Gaeta Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Ok, I see your strategy. Only caveat: false "no" in the first case scenario (which I assume a person that really hides something BIG may say out of fear) If you think he is hiding something then do a criminal check on him. I had a gut feeling once but I didn't check. Turns out the man had been in jail for rape and assault. He had broken the woman's 2 arms to better rape her. Yep and he looked like a very normal man too.
Author No_Go Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 Wow! I though my ex's past was scary enough (my ex also had assaulted a gf among other "things" related to his alcoholism) but that's horrific. How do you perform a criminal check? Public records etc do not show it all If you think he is hiding something then do a criminal check on him. I had a gut feeling once but I didn't check. Turns out the man had been in jail for rape and assault. He had broken the woman's 2 arms to better rape her. Yep and he looked like a very normal man too.
Gaeta Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Wow! I though my ex's past was scary enough (my ex also had assaulted a gf among other "things" related to his alcoholism) but that's horrific. How do you perform a criminal check? Public records etc do not show it all I am not American. An American member will have to explain to you. I believe it can be done online though. 1
deadelvis Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 I'm just going to give it to you straight here. If you ask him, he will lie. He's waiting till you are too attached to leave him, then he will reveal the truth. Or maybe he won't. Some people will hide their past until it confronts them. Use PACER online to check someones criminal record. The other sites are scams. Remember, all misdemeanors can be expunged, so only felonies will be left on his record. But it doesn't mean he didn't have 200 misdemeanors before he expunged his record. Good luck.
Author No_Go Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 Yes, you're confirming my concern and the point that Gaeta made. I'll try PACER, that's a great information. And still, I'll ask directly. Even fake "no" answer will mean something - i.e. he'd be aware that I am alert, and if the past is really bad, I think he'll step away on his own.... This could all be completely irrelevant concern, but better safe than sorry...... His statements do not match well. He moved to a new state almost yearly. He recently (in a group conversation) said something in lines that nobody should be rejected or judged for one past mistake, and this was completely irrelevant for the conversation...... So I think there is something on his chest...... If not crime, maybe some form of mental disorder making him act so paranoid I'm just going to give it to you straight here. If you ask him, he will lie. He's waiting till you are too attached to leave him, then he will reveal the truth. Or maybe he won't. Some people will hide their past until it confronts them. Use PACER online to check someones criminal record. The other sites are scams. Remember, all misdemeanors can be expunged, so only felonies will be left on his record. But it doesn't mean he didn't have 200 misdemeanors before he expunged his record. Good luck.
Author No_Go Posted August 10, 2015 Author Posted August 10, 2015 Hm I'm fairly sure now something happened in my bf's past. Not to go into details, but he answers my questions positively - with a direct eye stare!, and with minimal information. I'm freaking out - but it doesn't seem possible to get the information at all in a conversation - he GUARDS and gives the bare minimum of information (without lying I think). The background search that I performed showed me traffic violations (speeding -huge fine), and unpaid bill from few years (small amount). Waiting for the PACER reports as an user here suggested, but in the meanwhile - does it makes sense to try to talk more raising my suspects? Or just state non-negotiables from my side (violent crimes, multiple "negligence" mistakes?)
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