What would you do if you were me? (Breakup confusion)

[NCgirl155]

**EDIT: I apologize for the lengthiness, feel free to skim!! **

 

Hi! So honestly, I'm so confused and clueless as to what to do with my situation, so I could really use some advice from people who are more experienced with dating than I am. As a little disclaimer, I am 16, so I understand that some people may discount a lot of what I say and brush it off as "puppy love".

 

But anyways, my ex boyfriend and I met while I was visiting family in his state. He lives 3 hours away. We met in November 2014, and we were really good friends (who clearly had feelings for each other) up until about Janurary. Both of us were a little afraid of getting into a long distance relationship, but he eventually ended up telling me that he loved me too much not to call me his and he asked me to be his girlfriend mid-January. We facetimed every single day for hours, and we'd text all day. (But as a side note, he's always been awful about his phone- he's forgetful and a bit flighty so he would often accidentally forget to respond to messages- little did I know this would become our biggest issue later on in the relationship). But anyways, as our relationship progressed, I really fell in love with him- I've had other boyfriends (even for months longer than him) and I've never felt so emotionally connected to someone- it was like I'd found that one guy who you instantly click with and fall in love with. I genuinely cared about him, his happiness, his wellbeing- and it was the same for him. I have anxiety issues, and I've never met someone who's been as understanding about it as he has. He'd do his best to make me happy, and he really did make me happy. We only ended up seeing eachother twice during the relationship. We had one blip in the relationship in Feburary when he was looking through my messages on a social media account and found one with a guy (not while we were dating!! but they were from when we were talking) that upset him, but I was honestly shocked by how he handled it- he talked it out with me calmly, told me he forgave me, and then when i expressed my shock at how well he handled it, he explained that he loved me and that we could withstand anything like that. Anyways, time went on, things were great. He began to say some really serious things, like how he hoped that we could get married some day, how we'd need to stay in contact even if we broke up because of the distance because he'd always love me, that he'd always be mine, etc. By the end of May, he started to become increasingly busy (his parents were pressuring him to do better in school and he was playing a sport) and he was becoming a lot more forgetful when it came to his phone, and I could tell that he was really stressed out. As this continued to happen through June, I was trying to be as understanding as possible, but I became annoyed, as communication is key in an LDR. I confronted him about it, and he incessantly apologized and promised me that he'd try his best because he loved me and didn't want to lose me. He told me he was afraid I was going to breakup with him because that's "what it sounded like I was doing", but i assured him that I loved him and wasn't doing that. In between this time, I had a guy try to hook up with me and I told my ex because I wanted to be honest (I didn't do anything with the guy) and he asked if he was holding me back. It continued for another week, so I asked him again if anything was wrong. It was finals week so I tried to be as understanding as possible. He was taking 8-12 hours to respond to my texts, and we weren't facetiming for 1-3 days at a time. He told me there was nothing wrong and that he'd been trying his best and that he loved me "so so so much", but I still was a bit upset, so I asked him to call me. He did, and he sounded really upset. I don't even remember what we were saying (we weren't fighting or anything, but I do remember him saying he loved me), but halfway through the call he told me he thought we should break up because the distance was getting way to hard for him. I was shocked. We didn't fight about it or anything, I told him okay and said goodbye. I texted him asking why, and he explained that 1. he was always feeling guilty when he was busy (with friends) and not texting me because he knew I'd be mad 2. He doesn't think he can be in a relationship and be so far from me 3. That the summer was beginning and he knew he'd be even worse with his phone because he'd be out a lot, so it wouldn't be fair to me. Then, a few hours later he randomly texting me asking if we could stay friends. I was really upset at the time so I told him I didn't know yet and that I needed some time. We didn't speak for 3 weeks, then I texted him a simple hi. I asked him if he still wanted to be friends, and he said yes, but that he didn't want me to get offended if he didn't reply sometimes because he's busy with friends and work. I said okay and ended the conversation. A few hours later he randomly texted me and we talked for about a day (we were just joking around and everything seemed normal). I texted him hey a little more than a week later, but he never replied. I just checked for the sake of this post, and he hasn't been on social media since mid-July.

 

So now, I really don't know what to do. He was the one who brought up staying friends (I thought he was being serious, as it wasn't like I said something like "please stay in my life" and he said "ok I guess we can be friends"- he went out of his way to ask if we could stay friends) but he really hasn't been making any effort so I'm not going to make any effort either, the ball is in his court, and if he was dying to talk to me, I assume that he would do so. I'm going to be in his state at the end of the month with some friends (it's going to be my last time down there this year) so I COULD ask him to hang out, but I'm not sure I will. I've decided that I won't contact him first at least until September or October, but hopefully I'll hear from him by then. If I don't, what do I do? I do really want to keep him in my life as a friend, but I understand that doing such a thing takes time. I'm normally not an advocate of staying friends with an ex, but because of the circumstances of our breakup, I feel comfortable staying friends with him because he really was one of my best friends and he understood me like no one else ever did. And yes, I admit to having a bit of hope that in the future, when we're older and geographically closer, we could try our relationship again- but it's not like I'm going to put my life on hold waiting for that to happen. I've been keeping really busy and doing things that make me happy. I don't think I'd be interested in a relationship with him for the rest of high school because it's simply too difficult long distance. So, I'm super stuck. I understand that no matter what I do, it's going to take time and patience. But what should I do eventually to keep him in my life? I've never really been one to just let go of people, especially if they meant/mean a lot to me and if it's for no good reason- this situation is no exception. I don't see the point in letting go of him forever. To my advantage, I was his first serious girlfriend, so he doesn't really know the "don't talk to your ex after you break up" kind of rules. I'd also appreciate some perspective on him and his motives/feelings, as I'm clueless to what they may be. Also if I did anything wrong please feel free to tell me because I want to learn from my mistakes! Thanks in advance for any advice

Edited August 4, 2015 by NCgirl155

[mightycpa]

You know, you probably live in an area where there are plenty of guys to go on dates with and to dances and parties and all that. So romantically, I'd advise you concentrate your efforts at home. Boyfriends are much more fun if they are around to hug and kiss and to be hugged and kissed by. So that's #1.

 

About the whole friends thing. Frankly, I don't think you should worry too much about pursuing that. If it happens, then it happens, but here's a guy who is not the greatest at staying in close touch. Don't try to make it happen. I'm sure he means well, but he's not built for this, and you can't change that. Again, as you go through your life, you'll leave many, many people behind. If you want to stay connected to them, the easiest place is to start where you live. For now, that's home. Later, it could be college, or wherever you might go. Even best friends do their own things, find new friends when they live away from each other. It's just the way things are.

 

You'll find that working on local relationships will keep your life a ton more interesting.

[NCgirl155]

You know, you probably live in an area where there are plenty of guys to go on dates with and to dances and parties and all that. So romantically, I'd advise you concentrate your efforts at home. Boyfriends are much more fun if they are around to hug and kiss and to be hugged and kissed by. So that's #1.

 

About the whole friends thing. Frankly, I don't think you should worry too much about pursuing that. If it happens, then it happens, but here's a guy who is not the greatest at staying in close touch. Don't try to make it happen. I'm sure he means well, but he's not built for this, and you can't change that. Again, as you go through your life, you'll leave many, many people behind. If you want to stay connected to them, the easiest place is to start where you live. For now, that's home. Later, it could be college, or wherever you might go. Even best friends do their own things, find new friends when they live away from each other. It's just the way things are.

 

You'll find that working on local relationships will keep your life a ton more interesting.

 

I'll definitely try to start meeting new guys soon hopefully, I just don't really think I'm ready yet unfortunately But I totally agree with you about him not being built for any kind of long distance relationship (whether it just be a platonic friendship or an actual relationship), and I guess there's nothing I can really do about that. Thanks for your answer!!

[kidm]

I just read your previous postings. You've received solid advice from people on here. Concentrate on the friends you have now who are close by. It sounds like he extended the olive branch after the breakup to be friends but he does not intend to maintain as much contact as you seem to want. Enjoy the summer with the friends you have now and don't worry about how you can reconnect with your ex again. He knows how to find you if he genuinely wants to cultivate that friendship.