Shyguy0 Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 Honestly I'm not sure where else to turn. I don't want to constantly brood over my friends and bring them down. My ex and I had what I thought was an amazing relationship. Sure, there were bickering and stupid arguments here and there but I loved her all the same. Through her imperfections, I still thought she was perfect for me. I never knew, and still dont know, what I'm passionate about in life. I'm 25 and I don't have my degree yet either though I would love to get one (financial issues that I'm trying to work past now). Around January I became depressed because I lost a job I thought would help me change a lot. It gave me money to do it. With the depression I gained weight, along with other things, and didn't want to do much. I relied on her. I did because I let her rely on my so much for everything. I was there for everything for her. Especially when she was finishing school without a job. I would always look past all the bad. (She was a horrible drunk). Regardless, I wanted her. I always thought relationships were that. To rely on one another. To always see the good. After she got her new job and her masters she left me. At first she said I gained weight and wasn't attracted to me anymore. Then told me that wasn't the full reason. That she wishes I was on her level. She said she needed someone who had drive and that I lost mine. That things could have been different. As an individual I felt pathetic. That nobody would ever accept me, not even myself. I've been trying to better myself so I can have some sort of self-value. I'm close to getting back go school just a few more matters need to be taken care of. My current job..though I love my coworkers and the people I help, it's just a part-time simple job. I've lost a considerable amount of weight but it's not just because of this..there are other reasons regarding my health. (Long story short I have a kidney disease that I don't want defining me anymore. This is my body and I want to be happy with it). A month goes by and she's already moving on happily with someone else, and now hitting the second month here I am still heartbroken. Is there anyway I just speed this process up? I feel like I lost the love of my life...but I dont want to be stuck in that black hole. I don't want to look back and regret. I want to be able to be happy and move on. And at some point, fall in love again..and not feel like a mistake.
mightycpa Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 You sound like ChiTownD before he made his transformation. Read that story. It sounds like you could use a little of that inspiration. 3
grokcahsevol Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 First thing I would say is join a gym! I've been going to the gym m-f for a month now and it's a great release, plus it will put you in better shape, which many women like. Many people have this mindset (as it's what we were taught from our early ages). do good in high school> get into a great college> get an awesome paying job> start a family. College isn't for everyone and after this semester I will finally get my associates in a degree I don't give a $hit about. (it took me 8 years to get this degree LOL!) I started a business a year ago and it's very busy and it's making me more money then some of my friend with degrees. Apply for financial aid if you really want to go back, if you can't, do what everyone else does.. a loan. You say she was a horrible drunk.. was she horrible to you or just unpleasant to be around? If you hate your job, do something about it. If you hate your weight, do something about it. If you hate your life, do something about it. Trust me, I'm here because of my 9 year relationship that ended a month ago. I've been going to the gym, starting mma this week, been going to concerts solo and trying to make new friends and going to the beach by myself and reading books. I do agree, I didn't talk to any of my few friends about the breakup, didn't even need to, facebook did that for me. I also didn't ask for any advice because I wouldn't want advice from anyone who hasn't been in a LTR as I have. If you really need to seek some help, get a therapist as well, I did. Good luck! 1
Author Shyguy0 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Posted August 4, 2015 Thank you for the replies...his situation does sound like something I can relate to, though he was cheated on so I feel like he got the worst out of it. I'm going to keep going back to his story if I need inspiration. grokcahsevol, I'm very sorry to hear of 9 year relationship ending. There are times where I wish we could all meet up and support one another. Though, we still are all here in spirit and through the internet. I have been going to the gym. It was the first thing I've been doing since the break-up because I want to feel better about myself physically. I congratulate you on getting your degree and your business. I hope one day I can give advice like you to another. It's just difficult to grasp that school isn't everything, especially after being shot down like this. I want to find my passion. Something I'll push for more than anything..I think through that I can find happiness within myself and finally get over this. She moved on with someone else a month after we broke up, and she's happy. I want to be happy to..but by myself first. Maybe I don't feel whole and that's what I really want.
Gus Grimly Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 There are times where I wish we could all meet up and support one another. A support group for broken hearts? That would be awesome. It's been a month since my BU. The first 3 days I was incapacitated. The following weeks nothing but horrible anxiety, horrible dreams that taunted me about my BU, weight loss, sleep loss, degraded work performance, no exercise. You name it I had it. I'm still in a daze, but the worst is over. I'm not gonna lie, this BU kicked my a**. It was like the Royal Rubble of Broken-Hearts beat down. But I'm not admitting defeat just yet. I got my second wind and I'm gonna use it to better myself, focus on my goals, get healthy and fit, find inspiration and break free from her headlock and regain my footing. I'll win by forgetting about her completely and becoming a new man who's happy with himself and his life. Victory is mine! 5
aloneinaz Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 Shy guy, Put this in perspective in the whole life, big picture. Relationships at your age flame out all the time after college. While her leaving you when you were down was lame, it could be what you need to pull yourself out of the rut you're describing. It's already helped with your weight loss. Use that new energy and her dumping you as motivation to push yourself up to complete your college and be happy. As a side note and not saying this is right, but, I know several people who got married. One or the other partners got comfortable, lazy and gained A LOT of weight while the other kept up their appearance. They were open and honest about NOT liking the other's new appearance. The person didn't care or listen nor changed. They got dumped and the other person moved on to someone who shared the same goals and life style. I think it's something we need to be aware of while in a relationship whether it's dating or being married. In your case, stay motivated to make the changes you know you need to make. Dis-engage any contact w/the ex and certainly don't caught up with what she's up to. You'll move onto someone else that's a better fit. 3
Author Shyguy0 Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 Shy guy, Put this in perspective in the whole life, big picture. Relationships at your age flame out all the time after college. While her leaving you when you were down was lame, it could be what you need to pull yourself out of the rut you're describing. It's already helped with your weight loss. Use that new energy and her dumping you as motivation to push yourself up to complete your college and be happy. As a side note and not saying this is right, but, I know several people who got married. One or the other partners got comfortable, lazy and gained A LOT of weight while the other kept up their appearance. They were open and honest about NOT liking the other's new appearance. The person didn't care or listen nor changed. They got dumped and the other person moved on to someone who shared the same goals and life style. I think it's something we need to be aware of while in a relationship whether it's dating or being married. In your case, stay motivated to make the changes you know you need to make. Dis-engage any contact w/the ex and certainly don't caught up with what she's up to. You'll move onto someone else that's a better fit. This is all what I'm trying to do. That if I can get anything out of this..anything at all its to at least love myself. So I can hopefully, one day, find someone who will be in love wit me just as I am them. That would support me just as I do them. My weight used to fluctuate because I have nephrotic syndrome (a type of kidney disease). So I could gain a lot of water retention overnight under certain circumstances. But I suppose being upset/depressed and eating unhealthy didnt helpt. That's why I excersize now instead of just to be happy. I do it for both of those reasons. I'm sick of this disease defining me..this is my body and I'm going to be happy with it. I apologize for the delay in reply, by the way. I've been busy with work and moving out of my current room. 2
Gus Grimly Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 This is all what I'm trying to do. That if I can get anything out of this..anything at all its to at least love myself. So I can hopefully, one day, find someone who will be in love wit me just as I am them. That would support me just as I do them.. And you will. I know some stranger on the internet spouting off "You'll find the one" can't really change how you are feeling now, but you gotta know that it's true. It's gonna happen, for the both of us. We will one day look back on these days and release a huge sigh of relief.
aloneinaz Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 This is all what I'm trying to do. That if I can get anything out of this..anything at all its to at least love myself. So I can hopefully, one day, find someone who will be in love wit me just as I am them. That would support me just as I do them. My weight used to fluctuate because I have nephrotic syndrome (a type of kidney disease). So I could gain a lot of water retention overnight under certain circumstances. But I suppose being upset/depressed and eating unhealthy didnt helpt. That's why I excersize now instead of just to be happy. I do it for both of those reasons. I'm sick of this disease defining me..this is my body and I'm going to be happy with it. I apologize for the delay in reply, by the way. I've been busy with work and moving out of my current room. Exercise is GREAT for both weight control, health and depression. Stick with it. Use your current free time to get looking your best! Again, use her dumping you as motivation to improve yourself and your life. Getting in shape will only increase your self esteem and feelings of self worth. It's a total win-win for you. You know what will happen, right? You'll get yourself looking great, find a hot new GF and then run into this ex with her on your arm. The problem? You won't care to rub it in her face due to being ssoo over her.
mtnbiker3000 Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 A support group for broken hearts? That would be awesome. It's been a month since my BU. The first 3 days I was incapacitated. The following weeks nothing but horrible anxiety, horrible dreams that taunted me about my BU, weight loss, sleep loss, degraded work performance, no exercise. You name it I had it. If you live in or near a major US city, see if there is a No More Mr Nice Guy support group. There is one here in Portland and it has helped me big time!! It's based on the work of Dr Robert Glover's book of the same name. Even if there is no support group, the book may be of help to you. I highly suggest it. There are many other books that might help you as well, but this one is very good and would be a good start. Also, if you have the means, counseling will help you through the trauma you are currently in. 1
Chi townD Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 HEY! Thanks for the shoutout Mightycpa! Okay shyguy! Here we go. Yeah, I got cheated on and maybe I had it worse, but I turned it around and made it the BEST! Dude, you're hurting and I get that. And so far, a lot of things aren't going your way. But, we only got one life to live. Now, you can either sit around and feel sorry for yourself, or you can find a way to fight. You got dealt a raw deal with your kidney disease, I'm not going to lie. You're in pain a lot and I'm pretty sure it sucks. But, with the right meds and a proper diet, that can only help your quality of life. And the type of diet that your supposed to be on is IDEAL for weight loss and healthy living. Talk to your Nephrologist and ask him or her what is the ideal medication and diet (because everyone is different case by case) that you should do in order to lose weight and if there's any restrictions. DO NOT LET YOURSELF BE IDENTIFIED BY A DISEASE! Don't let you hold you back. Take your stress and frustrations to the gym and burn them off! Then, make changes to YOU! Get a new wardrobe! If your a t-shirt, jeans and gym shoe kind of guy. Then change to a button down with a vest, designer jeans and dress shoe kind of guy. Dress nice and take pride with how you look. If you wear glasses, go to contacts. Then, get a new hairstyle! Something people will notice and like! You want people saying, "Damn dude! You're looking sharp!" This will help your self esteem, ego and confidence. And those are just little things that don't need to much effort to do to make a massive impact. Now, with the school. You need to go back and finish! Talk to people in the financial aid department. Enrollment in Colleges and Universities are LOW in the US, Canada and the UK. They want students to attend, so they WILL find the money for you through scholarships and grants. I mean, they have a scholarship for left handed people for God sakes! Go back and finish! The higher the education you have opens up more doors of stable financial opportunities for you! So, get a career, not a job! Then the next thing you should do is simple. Just open up your front door. There's this massive world out there! GO EXPLORE IT! Isn't there a place you've always wanted to see for yourself? Isn't there something you've always wanted to do beside watching someone else do it on TV? Go see it! Go do it! Make a plan! Save for it and then go do it! I don't care if it's frickin Disney World! HAVE FUN! You deserve a little fun! Some enjoyment! And you meet people along the way! Who knows! Maybe the girl you're truly meant to be with is out there. And she's wait for you to find her. But, you're never going to unless you put yourself out there! Dude, your Ex was wrong about you just like my Ex was wrong about me. You do have self worth. You do have a lot to offer. Look, I make it sound easy. It's not, it's takes some effort, but the payoff is fantastic. But you have to try. You have to fight and it needs to start today. Set yourself up with a small short term goal and achieve it. And once you do that, set yourself with another goal, and achieve it. You need some achievements in your life. Thing that you've done for yourself. Dude, I wouldn't have responded to this thread if I didn't know you can do this. Dude, you can have it all!!! You just have to find the motivation to take that first step. 1
Author Shyguy0 Posted August 8, 2015 Author Posted August 8, 2015 I'm still here everyone!! Sorry, I've been busy with work and moving. Which I feel is something I needed. I thank you all for your support and replies. Really, it's been both helpful and inspirational. I know I'm not alone or the only one who's gone through this. I'm keeping this if I need to remind myself of anything or at a time of weakness. I understand you all can help me so much, because the rest really falls on me. So wish me luck to being a stronger, wiser individual. I'm a hopeless romantic so I hope to love again, but as a whole person - not as a broken one. Thank you all :] 1
Gus Grimly Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 If you live in or near a major US city, see if there is a No More Mr Nice Guy support group. There is one here in Portland and it has helped me big time!! I'm actually moving to Portland in a few months (to get a fresh start and new lease on life). I will definitely check that out! Thank you.
Oregon_Dude Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 I'm actually moving to Portland in a few months (to get a fresh start and new lease on life). I will definitely check that out! Thank you.I live in Portland, Gus. Hit me up when you get here!
Recommended Posts