deadelvis Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 Fair enough... but I ask you this... Is it more likely for a woman to hide her "dull and boring" past from a partner, when in truth very few men would ever be disappointed by a woman with a dull past, in fact most men would enjoy finding someone with whom they could share so many unique and new experiences... Or is it more likely for a woman with a "colorful" past to be secretive about her life...
SycamoreCircle Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 How do you bring this sort of subject up without sounding crazy or unreasonable? My girlfriend is no narcissist though.My girlfriend wasn't a narcissist, either. The person that moved in with me was the pluckiest, most fun, sweetest, and attentive young woman I'd ever gotten the chance to know. "Girlfriend, thanks for agreeing to sit down with me and talk about something important to me. You know that I really care about you. And I feel that you really care about me. And everything about our relationship feels satisfying and I couldn't ask for more. But lately, there's one thing that I'm slightly concerned about that I was hoping you could help me feel better about. I feel like I'm always eager and comfortable sharing details about my past, relating anecdotes, relating to you how I've dealt over time with issues that confront me. I don't feel an eagerness or comfort from you to do the same. Can you help me get a better grapple on my fears, on why I feel this way about you? How do you feel about what I'm telling you?"
Vercetti Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 Fair enough... but I ask you this... Is it more likely for a woman to hide her "dull and boring" past from a partner, when in truth very few men would ever be disappointed by a woman with a dull past, in fact most men would enjoy finding someone with whom they could share so many unique and new experiences... Or is it more likely for a woman with a "colorful" past to be secretive about her life... I tend to think those with extremely colourful pasts lack filters and shame to completely mask. Those that lack excitement really do not broadcast how good they are. Personally I made assumptions of my wife's past simply due to our age and default KNOWING what people do. As relationship progrossef I was floored by her lack of experience. Guess what she lied about things to paint a picture of a more normal life. Now why would a girl not rave about being what men seem to want, I can't exactly say. Can saywas first with my wife in many ways and had zero idea at the time. Some things took a year or more before oh really hit. Anyhow only thing can control is you. Comfortable stay not then go. If you have honest deal breakers, figure out if true. No information and phantoms in your mind can go out of control. You could think the most horrid things...and the reality wa she was reading a book and watching grog cat videos. 1
deadelvis Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 Depends on how colorful their past was. My GF never told any of her previous BFs about her crazy past. They never asked and she never told them.
Vercetti Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 Well, someone that can't manage thier money I don't need to ask cause how they live life and thier perceptions makes that clear. Same deal with girls to a point, where they go / how dress / thier culture / friends / ect. They don't have to tell, how they are says near everything for those with standreds. No been around the block drug club bunny is gonna fool a classy gentleman cause she slaps on a black dress for a dinner date. 1
Author azzurri82 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Posted August 4, 2015 My girlfriend wasn't a narcissist, either. The person that moved in with me was the pluckiest, most fun, sweetest, and attentive young woman I'd ever gotten the chance to know. "Girlfriend, thanks for agreeing to sit down with me and talk about something important to me. You know that I really care about you. And I feel that you really care about me. And everything about our relationship feels satisfying and I couldn't ask for more. But lately, there's one thing that I'm slightly concerned about that I was hoping you could help me feel better about. I feel like I'm always eager and comfortable sharing details about my past, relating anecdotes, relating to you how I've dealt over time with issues that confront me. I don't feel an eagerness or comfort from you to do the same. Can you help me get a better grapple on my fears, on why I feel this way about you? How do you feel about what I'm telling you?" Thanks. What happened in your own situation?
Author azzurri82 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Posted August 4, 2015 I tend to think those with extremely colourful pasts lack filters and shame to completely mask. Those that lack excitement really do not broadcast how good they are. Personally I made assumptions of my wife's past simply due to our age and default KNOWING what people do. As relationship progrossef I was floored by her lack of experience. Guess what she lied about things to paint a picture of a more normal life. Now why would a girl not rave about being what men seem to want, I can't exactly say. Can saywas first with my wife in many ways and had zero idea at the time. Some things took a year or more before oh really hit. Anyhow only thing can control is you. Comfortable stay not then go. If you have honest deal breakers, figure out if true. No information and phantoms in your mind can go out of control. You could think the most horrid things...and the reality wa she was reading a book and watching grog cat videos. So is this sort of worry/anxiety amongst men common?
SycamoreCircle Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 Thanks. What happened in your own situation?I'm presently 1 year 4 months NC. I've broken NC a few times to look at her social media. New guy ended their casual relationship about 6 months later. He met someone else and is now seriously involved with her. Ex apparently is immersed in her career. Shortly after things ended between the two, there was a resurgence of rage against me but only to her friends. She's too prideful to ever contact me again. I do hear of bits of craziness about her. A woman friend of mine at the time of break up said, "you will never hear from her again." I'm inclined to agree.
dpn4u Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 A lot of the time I do, and a lot of the time she asks. I want to share things with her that might be of interest, but I'm also careful to point out things in such a way that she should never feel threatened by it, I always make sure she knows, "This happened in X relationship, it didn't work out because of Y, you are more compatible with me because Z, I love being with you." Rule 1 of dating: leave your exes out of your current relationship. They really don't want to know even if they act like they do. Ex stories can cause every emotion you don't want in your relationship including resentment, jealousy, horror, disgust, annoyance, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. You don't want to know and neither does she. Trust me. You two are having a great relationship and you are trying to sabotage it. Let yourself succeed. 2
Vercetti Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 So is this sort of worry/anxiety amongst men common? Yes. We all have inscurties. Most of your fears are something like she had amazing fun wild times with someone better then you in every respect...so a amazing she won't even talk about it......oh my god she has seen and done everything and I'm just the ant sucker she is wiith now . Your girl seems fine to me. No drugs / drinking / not friends with ex's / doesn't have a million friends getting her to act stupid / isn't filling your head with past relationship drama. You failed to list any red flags, just you don't know and fill in blanks with bad. If she did have a stupid pat, sounds like cut all people places and things off. Unless you're getting disrespected now or she is doing toxic things...No worries. 1
No_Go Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 Yesss.... I have the SAME cares and problem get my bf be more open with me, Maybe in opposite order: 1) Violent Criminal Past 2) Mental Conditions 3) Drugs (also abuse of prescription pills, alcohol...) 4) Diseases (especially genetic - I want kids) And maybe way less relevant: past relationship experience (to judge how he handles relationship milestones and problems). I JUST CAN'T get any of the above information from my bf, and from his secretive answers ("everyone has made mistakes, I care about the present time", "less history more mystery"), I am getting VERY concerned that he's hiding something grand. Haha, if he admits something major after years I'll be seriously MAD. I have no idea what his point is... His words: "you share a little to "new friends" , act to see how they respond / share back, then share more...." WTF? Is he a criminal or something?? Or I'm too impatient?? Yea but it sounds like you are the one that brings up your own past. If it's killing you, just ask, but when you do, tell her it's ok if she isn't ready to talk about it, unless you HAVE to know. Personally, I wouldn't want to ruin a good thing by pressing her. I care about: 1. Diseases 2. Drugs 3. Mental Illness, but only so I can watch for signs of medical need. I don't care if you are crazy as long as you are medicated. 4. Violent Criminal past Beyond that it's none of my business if she doesn't want to talk about it. I don't care who she's dated, where she's worked, or much else. For all you know she could be ex NSA/CIA or something and not allowed to talk about it.
Author azzurri82 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Posted August 4, 2015 Yes. We all have inscurties. Most of your fears are something like she had amazing fun wild times with someone better then you in every respect...so a amazing she won't even talk about it......oh my god she has seen and done everything and I'm just the ant sucker she is wiith now . Your girl seems fine to me. No drugs / drinking / not friends with ex's / doesn't have a million friends getting her to act stupid / isn't filling your head with past relationship drama. You failed to list any red flags, just you don't know and fill in blanks with bad. If she did have a stupid pat, sounds like cut all people places and things off. Unless you're getting disrespected now or she is doing toxic things...No worries. What would constitute a red flag? *I found out she was snooping around one of my exes facebook profiles when she accidently added her as a friend, it was a funny story, she lied about it at first because she was embarassed, but she clearly wanted to know info she's not willing to share with me.
MateySikes Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 Maybe it's a good thing you don't know about her past. Concentrate on the present and the future... 1
Vercetti Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 What would constitute a red flag? *I found out she was snooping around one of my exes facebook profiles when she accidently added her as a friend, it was a funny story, she lied about it at first because she was embarassed, but she clearly wanted to know info she's not willing to share with me. Morbid couristoy is not the same as wanting to know something. Red flags well, things that slip through that paint a picture of her not being in line with what you desire. Example you want a exclusive relationship...she hints at a open one. Red flag. You don't like drugs or drinking, she wears some novelity t shirt with drinking drug use jokes. Red flag. You think spring break in flordia is trashy, she brings up wanting to go to spring break. You don't like clubs but you two go out one night, very at the club knows her name. Her checking your ex's profile...is somewhat positive, if DID not like you wouldn't care. Just it's best not to dig. If she has an ex...do you want to see his page? Want to know if he likes the same movies and music you do. What if makes more money then you or less. What if looks better the same or worse then you. What if you have the same colour eyes. What if has exotic trips on feline when knew they were tougher. What if your girlfriend has a flirty message on his page. What if you know some of the people on his friends list. Or if went on dates to the same places. No good comes from the past. 1
Author azzurri82 Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 So I shouldn't mention/ask anything at all? I don't want any intimate details of her previous life, but a general timeline and overview of things would be helpful, reassuring somewhat.
PrettyEmily77 Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 So I shouldn't mention/ask anything at all? I don't want any intimate details of her previous life, but a general timeline and overview of things would be helpful, reassuring somewhat. Do whatever you feel would help you trust your GF more - I only say that because it's becoming apparent you're not prepared to let it go, and the longer you leave it, the more it'll eat at you. Once you get a general timeline and overview of things though (if / when she's willing to share that with you, which is another issue entirely), you'll want to know more. Just how human nature works. My BF isn't a particularly open guy, but I've never engineered any topic of discussion because all I need to know is that he is here now and plans on staying for the foreseeable future. He is divorced and very rarely mentions anything about that or his ex, which I respect him for; I know the stuff he wants me to know and I'm fine with that. I'm probs a little more open than he is but don't see it as an obligation on his part to reciprocate when I tell him stuff about my past. His actions towards me are what I go by, and I can't fault him on that.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 So I shouldn't mention/ask anything at all? I don't want any intimate details of her previous life, but a general timeline and overview of things would be helpful, reassuring somewhat. Then there's your answer. Talk to her. I'm not sure why you're so hesitant to raise this issue with her. You already live together, so you've already taken a big step together. Are you concerned that this will upset her in some way?
Author azzurri82 Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 Do whatever you feel would help you trust your GF more - I only say that because it's becoming apparent you're not prepared to let it go, and the longer you leave it, the more it'll eat at you. Once you get a general timeline and overview of things though (if / when she's willing to share that with you, which is another issue entirely), you'll want to know more. Just how human nature works. My BF isn't a particularly open guy, but I've never engineered any topic of discussion because all I need to know is that he is here now and plans on staying for the foreseeable future. He is divorced and very rarely mentions anything about that or his ex, which I respect him for; I know the stuff he wants me to know and I'm fine with that. I'm probs a little more open than he is but don't see it as an obligation on his part to reciprocate when I tell him stuff about my past. His actions towards me are what I go by, and I can't fault him on that. I am slightly concerned about the 'needing to know more' issue. I don't want that to happen at al, it's one of the main reasons I've been holding back on this, wondering if I'll ever be satisfied. I'll be honest though, I haven't 'obsessed' over 'I need to know more' details of previous girlfriends past, but that's because my previous gfs have discussed things openly early on, and that was it.
PrettyEmily77 Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 I am slightly concerned about the 'needing to know more' issue. I don't want that to happen at al, it's one of the main reasons I've been holding back on this, wondering if I'll ever be satisfied. I'll be honest though, I haven't 'obsessed' over 'I need to know more' details of previous girlfriends past, but that's because my previous gfs have discussed things openly early on, and that was it. You're concerned full stop atm. There's nothing right or wrong in that, just how you work. If you can't move past it, just tell her you've noticed she doesn't talk about her past much and ask her if there's any reason for it, and take it from there.
Author azzurri82 Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 Then there's your answer. Talk to her. I'm not sure why you're so hesitant to raise this issue with her. You already live together, so you've already taken a big step together. Are you concerned that this will upset her in some way? Yes, I am concerned it'll upset her in some way. I also don't want to come across as needy or insecure. It's not something I've felt extremely worried or insecure about in previous relationships, and I don't want her to think less of me, either. By asking this sort of question, it totally goes against the grain of a lot of other aspects of my personality, and perhaps the very person she fell in love with.
guest569 Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Did I miss something here? What's wrong with discussing the past? You mean she wont tell you anything about her past? Do you ask her questions? People saying "mind your own business" or "its cause she has no baggage cause her life was so dull"?!?! Please! I think its very odd and OP is right to be concerned and bothered by it.
Author azzurri82 Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 You're concerned full stop atm. There's nothing right or wrong in that, just how you work. Yeah, I'm a bit of a worrier. Not that I necessarily exude this sort of behaviour publicly, it's not like me at all. My self-confidence is good. I realise how unattractive needy/insecure behaviour can be, I rarely, if ever, display it. I think this is perhaps being exacerbated by me having a bit of an existential crisis at the moment as regards my work/business, family health scares, and having a bit of a 'where do I go from here?' moment in my career? A lot of things in my life recently, through no fault of my own, have been turned upside down, and a lot of things I believe/d about the world and my part to play in it have changed. A lot of things aren't what they appear to be anymore. I know this sounds a bit cryptic, and perhaps I'm over-thinking things, but I'm wondering whether this is perhaps causing a lot of my anxiety over this as well?
Author azzurri82 Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 Did I miss something here? What's wrong with discussing the past? You mean she wont tell you anything about her past? Do you ask her questions? People saying "mind your own business" or "its cause she has no baggage cause her life was so dull"?!?! Please! I think its very odd and OP is right to be concerned and bothered by it. It's not that she won't tell me anything at all, she just doesn't really talk about friends or relationships. I wouldn't be able to tell you anything about when she left school, went to college/university, when she started driving, the name of her first boyfriend, when she got her first full-time job, where she lived, whom she lived with etc. etc. etc. When we started dating, I just assumed that this stuff would come out in detail when as we went along. It didn't. It was a very minor bugbear at first. Whenever I have asked questions, I get one word answers that just leave me puzzled. In the rest of her life, she's very chatty otherwise. I'm open about this sort of stuff (both the good and the bad) so she could size me up and make judgments about me.
PrettyEmily77 Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 (edited) Yeah, I'm a bit of a worrier. Not that I necessarily exude this sort of behaviour publicly, it's not like me at all. My self-confidence is good. I realise how unattractive needy/insecure behaviour can be, I rarely, if ever, display it. I think this is perhaps being exacerbated by me having a bit of an existential crisis at the moment as regards my work/business, family health scares, and having a bit of a 'where do I go from here?' moment in my career? A lot of things in my life recently, through no fault of my own, have been turned upside down, and a lot of things I believe/d about the world and my part to play in it have changed. A lot of things aren't what they appear to be anymore. I know this sounds a bit cryptic, and perhaps I'm over-thinking things, but I'm wondering whether this is perhaps causing a lot of my anxiety over this as well? I'm not much of a worrier myself but I can empathise - everything is cause for concern once the worrying phase has set in, you just have to ride the wave:). I also think there is nothing wrong with gently asking your GF why she doesn't feel like opening up to you, or perhaps even open up to her yourself about your moments of doubts - that's also what a good partner is for . FWIW, you sound like a decent guy - don't put too much pressure on yourself or what seems to be a working R, and go with your gut: it very rarely fails . Edited August 5, 2015 by PrettyEmily77
Author azzurri82 Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 I'm not much of a worrier myself but I can empathise - everything is cause for concern once the worrying phase has set in, you just have to ride the wave:). I also think there is nothing wrong with gently asking your GF why she doesn't feel like opening up to you, or perhaps even open up to her yourself about your moments of doubts - that's also what a good partner is for . FWIW, you sound like a decent guy - don't put too much pressure on yourself or what seems to be a working R, and go with your gut: it very rarely fails . You're right about it becoming a 'wave' once it sets in, it's a difficult feeling to kick once it starts, it casts a cloud over you somewhat. I think I'm going to have to say something, maybe not spill my guts as I have on here, but start gently, ask a couple of questions, and then just see what happens. 1
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