deadelvis Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 You're very heavily projecting here. Projecting to an extent which absurd. Perhaps. Or perhaps I have enough experience with this situation to make a reasonable assumption. Occam's Razor is a good tool for making a scientific hypothesis...
dpn4u Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 I'm not sure I could've given her more of an opportunity to speak, but I'm not even sure she knows she's doing it. I certainly don't want to open up any old wounds, or upset her greatly. She is certainly interested in details of my past life, whenever the topic arises, and asks many questions, which I'm happy to answer. Yea but it sounds like you are the one that brings up your own past. If it's killing you, just ask, but when you do, tell her it's ok if she isn't ready to talk about it, unless you HAVE to know. Personally, I wouldn't want to ruin a good thing by pressing her. I care about: 1. Diseases 2. Drugs 3. Mental Illness, but only so I can watch for signs of medical need. I don't care if you are crazy as long as you are medicated. 4. Violent Criminal past Beyond that it's none of my business if she doesn't want to talk about it. I don't care who she's dated, where she's worked, or much else. For all you know she could be ex NSA/CIA or something and not allowed to talk about it. 2
LoveRefreshed Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 I tend to have less conviction in such statements, but I think deadelvis has a valid point of view. It doesn't mean it's right, but it certainly doesn't mean it's wrong. I mentioned it too, she could have been a major slut. Exactly the same thinking deadelvis, and he's right, you could harm your relationship. I don't necessarily say he's right, he you have to humbly accept that he also may not be wrong. Occam's razor isn't in your favor though deadelvis. You assume she was a super sex driven nympho and not your normal ONS and hookups, fwb in my early 20s girl. How many sex crazed nymphs do you know versus normal healthy girls? It's more likely to assume she's boring than an escort.
Gary S Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 Maybe you should be thankful your girl has low baggage - not much to talk about and no hangups or issues - and that she has the good intuition not to wine to you like you are her counselor. I don't see a problem, this is a good thing. Great relationships in real life are not like the movies and TV, full of drama. 1
Author azzurri82 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Posted August 4, 2015 So.... How is she in bed? If she is completely inhibited and knows every trick in the book it might be an indication you're not her second one :-) To be honest, I'm under no illusions over this. We live in the 21st century, and I've a lot of history as regards partners. I'm not sure how relevant this is, but she's not overly confident, nor a prude either.
deadelvis Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 I tend to have less conviction in such statements, but I think deadelvis has a valid point of view. It doesn't mean it's right, but it certainly doesn't mean it's wrong. I mentioned it too, she could have been a major slut. Exactly the same thinking deadelvis, and he's right, you could harm your relationship. I don't necessarily say he's right, he you have to humbly accept that he also may not be wrong. Occam's razor isn't in your favor though deadelvis. You assume she was a super sex driven nympho and not your normal ONS and hookups, fwb in my early 20s girl. How many sex crazed nymphs do you know versus normal healthy girls? It's more likely to assume she's boring than an escort. Yeah but what I'm saying about Occam's Razor is this; If she didn't have a crazy past... she wouldn't be secretive about it. I've yet to meet a wholesome girl who won't talk about her past.
Vercetti Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 I would rather be with someone focused on me and the future. What's the point of jerking off glory stories from the past. Really want to be around someone that can't shut up about a high school play they were in, or some job they had that made lots of money, or some stupid cool friends that all fell off earth. Anyhow something you might not thought about. Perhaps some of her friend stories are her stories. I know a person like that...whenever starts a my friend did blah blah.....it's him and for whatever reason he isn't direct. 1
Author azzurri82 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Posted August 4, 2015 Yea but it sounds like you are the one that brings up your own past. If it's killing you, just ask, but when you do, tell her it's ok if she isn't ready to talk about it, unless you HAVE to know. Personally, I wouldn't want to ruin a good thing by pressing her. I care about: 1. Diseases 2. Drugs 3. Mental Illness, but only so I can watch for signs of medical need. I don't care if you are crazy as long as you are medicated. 4. Violent Criminal past Beyond that it's none of my business if she doesn't want to talk about it. I don't care who she's dated, where she's worked, or much else. For all you know she could be ex NSA/CIA or something and not allowed to talk about it. A lot of the time I do, and a lot of the time she asks. I want to share things with her that might be of interest, but I'm also careful to point out things in such a way that she should never feel threatened by it, I always make sure she knows, "This happened in X relationship, it didn't work out because of Y, you are more compatible with me because Z, I love being with you."
Author azzurri82 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Posted August 4, 2015 Anyhow something you might not thought about. Perhaps some of her friend stories are her stories. I know a person like that...whenever starts a my friend did blah blah.....it's him and for whatever reason he isn't direct. Sorry, I'm not sure I understand what you mean by this?!
Satu Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 The present is the best place to be, and it's the only place where you can eat a pizza. 2
deadelvis Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 Sorry, I'm not sure I understand what you mean by this?! What he's saying is when she say's "my friend so-and-so" she's talking about herself in the third person. 1
Author azzurri82 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Posted August 4, 2015 The present is the best place to be, and it's the only place where you can eat a pizza. Unfortunately I've a gluten intolerance!
Vercetti Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 Yeah but what I'm saying about Occam's Razor is this; If she didn't have a crazy past... she wouldn't be secretive about it. I've yet to meet a wholesome girl who won't talk about her past. Ever think it could be the opposite. She could be embarresed she failed to have an exciting past of screwing up like her peers did. Those with warped histories are not that grand at masking, their perception of normal and how they carry themself will feel off to anyonecarried themself well. She doesn't live in the past and she has enough brains not to have scores of friends that waste her time. . So what are the options shy reserved with enough class not to speak of the pointless past...or was turning trick doing porn and drugs and is a master of deception. 1
deadelvis Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 That's actually a great theory. It allows her to "screen" your reactions to her stories without implicating herself. If she say's 'my friend so-and-so' did X,Y and Z, she's checking your reactions... and she is so-and-so. But you probably cringed when she said "my friend so-and-so did X, Y and Z in college because she was drunk and lonely" and now she realizes she can't come forward with the truth that she is "so-and-so"
deadelvis Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 ...So what are the options: 1. shy reserved with enough class not to speak of the pointless past...or 2. was turning trick doing porn and drugs and is a master of deception. I restructured that for you. Number 1 would have no reason to be secretive about the past, and have enough class (both past and present) to be open and honest about her life without shame, guilt or baggage. Number 2 would be secretive and vague about everything. Occams Razor... 1
Author azzurri82 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Posted August 4, 2015 I would rather be with someone focused on me and the future. What's the point of jerking off glory stories from the past. Really want to be around someone that can't shut up about a high school play they were in, or some job they had that made lots of money, or some stupid cool friends that all fell off earth. Anyhow something you might not thought about. Perhaps some of her friend stories are her stories. I know a person like that...whenever starts a my friend did blah blah.....it's him and for whatever reason he isn't direct. Ever think it could be the opposite. She could be embarresed she failed to have an exciting past of screwing up like her peers did. Those with warped histories are not that grand at masking, their perception of normal and how they carry themself will feel off to anyonecarried themself well. She doesn't live in the past and she has enough brains not to have scores of friends that waste her time. . So what are the options shy reserved with enough class not to speak of the pointless past...or was turning trick doing porn and drugs and is a master of deception. I really wasn't expecting this to be the outcome of this thread. It's descended in to a discussion about the suspected past behaviours of the woman, rather than what I was hoping, i.e. Should I ask her about that period of her life, am I being unreasonable in my thoughts/expectations.
Gaeta Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 That's actually a great theory. It allows her to "screen" your reactions to her stories without implicating herself. If she say's 'my friend so-and-so' did X,Y and Z, she's checking your reactions... and she is so-and-so. But you probably cringed when she said "my friend so-and-so did X, Y and Z in college because she was drunk and lonely" and now she realizes she can't come forward with the truth that she is "so-and-so" My goodness !! How do you come up with this theories !!!! I remember dating a man like you. If I'd tell him a story about my friend later on he'd accuse me of being the one in the story!! OP if you have specific questions to ask than go ahead and ask her!! It's not prying, it's taking interest in the person you're dating. If she says nothing it's cause she has nothing to say. It's very hard to censure ourselves on purpose. I don't believe she can block a bad past and never accidentally let some info out in 6 months. 2
Satu Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 I really wasn't expecting this to be the outcome of this thread. It's descended in to a discussion about the suspected past behaviours of the woman, rather than what I was hoping, i.e. Should I ask her about that period of her life, am I being unreasonable in my thoughts/expectations. If you want to be happy, let the past be the past.
deadelvis Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 And if you want to be lied to, ask for the truth.
SycamoreCircle Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 OP, I haven't read all the responses to your post but here's my reaction: RED FnCKING FLAG!!! This was exactly how my ex was---the narcissist who blindsided me, left me for another guy, all the while smearing every aspect of my being to family, friends and Facebook. It's like intimacy suddenly meant nothing to her. She used any and every "weakness" or confession to widen the gap between herself and me. Of course someone who will take the particulars of another person's past and use it as a tool of manipulation is going to be covert about their past. Of course someone who was admittedly "good at compartmentalization" is going to divide their history into portions that are palatable for others. I strongly disagree with Satu, whose opinion I typically identify with, on this issue. This bothers you enough to write an interpersonal relationship forum---bring it up to your SO and communicate your concern. 1
Author azzurri82 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Posted August 4, 2015 OP, I haven't read all the responses to your post but here's my reaction: RED FnCKING FLAG!!! This was exactly how my ex was---the narcissist who blindsided me, left me for another guy, all the while smearing every aspect of my being to family, friends and Facebook. It's like intimacy suddenly meant nothing to her. She used any and every "weakness" or confession to widen the gap between herself and me. Of course someone who will take the particulars of another person's past and use it as a tool of manipulation is going to be covert about their past. Of course someone who was admittedly "good at compartmentalization" is going to divide their history into portions that are palatable for others. I strongly disagree with Satu, whose opinion I typically identify with, on this issue. This bothers you enough to write an interpersonal relationship forum---bring it up to your SO and communicate your concern. How do you bring this sort of subject up without sounding crazy or unreasonable? My girlfriend is no narcissist though.
Author azzurri82 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Posted August 4, 2015 If you want to be happy, let the past be the past. Seriously? Just ignore my feeling/s and hope they go away? I'd be delighted if this were the outcome.
Author azzurri82 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Posted August 4, 2015 And if you want to be lied to, ask for the truth. If I wasn't paranoid before, I am now! I'm sorry you seem to be going through such a difficult situation, it sounds awful.
Vercetti Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 I restructured that for you. Number 1 would have no reason to be secretive about the past, and have enough class (both past and present) to be open and honest about her life without shame, guilt or baggage. Number 2 would be secretive and vague about everything. Occams Razor... Number one has every reason to lie. Example 40 year old guy moved out of moms house a year ago and has never had sex nor done anything risky / exciting. Being embarrass by lack of experience would keep mouth shut. You're the one projecting negitives from lack of information. For whatever reason you are looking for bad and basically self sabatage. Using false logicial deductions to create a reality. This thread gave you the answers on your right to question her past and get information. This thread said things you did not want to hear. Perhaps your razor isn't sharp as think if failed to predict that and are disjointed with your own conclusions. 2
Author azzurri82 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Posted August 4, 2015 Number one has every reason to lie. Example 40 year old guy moved out of moms house a year ago and has never had sex nor done anything risky / exciting. Being embarrass by lack of experience would keep mouth shut. You're the one projecting negitives from lack of information. For whatever reason you are looking for bad and basically self sabatage. Using false logicial deductions to create a reality. This thread gave you the answers on your right to question her past and get information. This thread said things you did not want to hear. Perhaps your razor isn't sharp as think if failed to predict that and are disjointed with your own conclusions. I think this is directed at me, if so, fair enough, I agree to a certain extent with what you say. Thanks for your insight.
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