Gaeta Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 I had a very interesting conversation with a male friend (ex) last night. I usually don't tell him about my dating out of respect but when he asked me how was my love life I let it all out and told him about my difficulties to find a serious man, I'm unable to identity a player early, my overly trusting nature gets me disappointments after disappointments etc. He told me I should ask these men to see their home quite quickly into the game. If a man has a problem with me visiting his home after a couple of dates it's because 1. He's married 2. He has a steady girlfriend 3. He's not interested in me but is looking for a hit and run. I said I feel uncomfortable asking a man I saw 2-3 times to visit his home. I said I have dumped my share of men for inviting themselves over to my place. He said not at all it's different. Any man that sees me as potential will be happy to invite me over to gain my trust. He said I am too trusting and I should never ever believe a man that tells me he's serious and is looking for a relationship till he shows me his home. Thoughts?
Toodaloo Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 I dunno Gaeta. In all honesty it seems to me that you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. Why not just play it by ear and see how you go. Relax a bit. There are far too many rules going on with this whole dating lark and I can't keep up with them all...
Author Gaeta Posted August 4, 2015 Author Posted August 4, 2015 I am done playing by ear or going with the flow and then they disappear after 4-5 dates. If they went POOF after 1 date I wouldn't care but after 4-5 dates the guy is starting to grow on me and I'm looking forward to see him, you've put a month or more into it and then he pulls the blanket from under your feet. And don't tell me to not invest myself so fast. I am human, it's normal to have hopes on a man you've spent a few weeks getting to know. I have reached the end of my rope with 'going with the flow'.
CarrieT Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 I don't think it is a bad strategy. The guy I was seeing just before I met Mr. Right was someone I had "insane chemistry" with. By our third or fourth date, I got to see his house and was shocked and dismayed to see that he did not have a single book to his name. That right there was a HUGE red flag for me. I asked about it and learned he wasn't a reader - at all. That's when the "insane chemistry" started to wane. But you can put it differently... By the third date, you may have probably decided if you are going to have sex with him or not and you could make the suggestion, "why don't we/I cook something at your place and watch a movie" as the segue to the next date. That gets you in the house *and* the option of having sex if you so desire but also will tell you a whole lot more about him and his personality. When I started seeing Mr. Right, he invited me to his house around our fifth date. On that occasion, I was not thrilled with the clutter aspect, but had to realize he DID have three pre-teen children and picking up after them was a not a priority. But he had tons and tons of books and other qualities. I live here now and there is no clutter....
d0nnivain Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 Too many pitfalls, being alone in the home of someone you barely know. I wouldn't risk it from a physical safety issue. Your friend's suggestion isn't a terrible on because being in someone's home does give you insight into them but it's also an example of how men & women think differently. For you I'm more worried about your inability to spot a player. To me they are so easy to see but I'm also very able to spot the diamonds in the rough. Many people including my own mother cautioned me that DH was a player when we 1st met. I admit at 1st blush I was attracted him because I thought he was too & I wanted that; players give good date but you can't trust them with your emotions. By the middle of our 1st date I realized that DH couldn't be a player even if he took lessons. So rather than entering potentially unsafe situations like people's houses, how can we tune up your ability to assess new people?
SycamoreCircle Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 This addresses your question indirectly, I think. I've met women who don't have sex with men until after months of dating. That may sound unbelievable but if you're looking for a guy who's truly serious about you, I can't think of a better method.
Toodaloo Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 I have reached the end of my rope with 'going with the flow'. I really don't know how you do it to be honest. It must be like a constant emotional roller coaster all the time. I take my hat off to you for battling on... I guess at 3-4 dates going to his home would be fine. Its when I would expect it. I am sure that there will be others here who agree/ disagree... I honestly can not tell you what the problem is Gaeta... I really don't know why men keep doing this.
PinkInTheLimo Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 I don't think it's got to be after 2-3 dates but what I would not do is to be intimate with a guy before you have seen his place. I would wait fairly long to be intimate, and just do things together for a couple of months to really see what kind of guy you are dealing with. If there seem to be feelings you can hold hands and kiss but I would not let it go any further than that for a couple of months. I think that if a guy is just a player he will not be willing to wait so long to go to bed with you so postponing intimacy is a good filter. Taking the time to get to know someone is the key I think. I myself was too much in a hurry in the past and most of the time that lead to bad relationships. And never betray your values and feelings. If something does not feel right, bring it up. The way a man reacts to that will tell you a lot about a guy.
carhill Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 While I was generally pretty open about such matters when dating, I could understand a lady's ambivalence about 'seeing my home' because, well, it's out in the middle of nowhere and I was a stranger and, well, stuff happens, as evidenced by the few disheveled women that have shown up at my doorstep in the middle of the night over the decades. These days, with the internet and all the online resources available, information mining is pretty straightforward and a personal visit, while certainly valid, is something I'd save for later in the getting to know process, where personal and private time is appropriate.
Author Gaeta Posted August 4, 2015 Author Posted August 4, 2015 If I think about men that were 'genuine' they did invite me over very early. This man here who gave me these advice invited me over to his place after our 2nd date. Nothing happened, he gave me the tour and I went home after a drink. After that we started dating and he told me I was welcome to drop by as often as I wished. My last boyfriend I invited him over on our 3rd or 4th date and the following date he invited me over to his place. From there we visited each other on weekly basis. It's been a long time since I came across a man that was eager to show me his place.
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