imtrying211 Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 What have I got to lose by talking to my ex and telling him that I still love and miss him? I already feel rejected, sad, heart broken, and anxious\umcomfortable when we see each other and speak at work, so what's the worst that could happen, how much worse could I feel? There's all this stuff out there about taking a chance, fighting for what you love, never giving up, so why shouldn't I listen to that? His ex fought and won him back, why shouldn't I try? Maybe he'll tell me to f off and he never wants to get back together. Maybe he'll tell me he made a huge mistake but thought I had moved on so didn't want to tell me. How will I ever know which it is if I don't take a chance? He's a stubborn fool so it's possible he's waiting for me to go to him. Its also possible that his ex really has changed for the better and they are very happy together. I just feel stuck in limbo with the what if's, the should I\shouldn't I. I don't want to regret not trying. I don't want to give up.
7675 Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 I'm one of those optimists who would normally tell you to keep trying. However, your situation seems a little bit messed up. I don't fully understand it, but I think you should take some time for yourself before you do anything.
aloneinaz Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 Hon, Right now you're thinking with your heart and not your brain. Our "hearts" are our own worst enemies at the stage you are at right now. You're not thinking rationally here. He made a decision to return to his previous GF. In doing so, he kicked you to the curb. Say the positions were reversed. You realized you still loved your ex and dumped him. You were now happy being back with your ex. What would you think if he contacted you and confessed what you're proposing? You'd feel sorry for him. You'd think he needs to get a life and move on. You'd also have your ego stroked massively. It feels good to have a current love and a second person wanting you too, even if you don't want them back. There's SSUUCCHH a psychological aspect to relationships. When people dump someone and the dumped keep begging, pleading and crying for them back, it only turns them off to them more. It pushes them away further while turning them off to them even further. Now, on the other hand, if he dumped you and you accepted it, didn't contact him again and moved on, he'd gain some respect for you. You can't force someone to want you. You simply can't. You have to suck it up, learn from it what you can and try again down the road. Everyone has been dumped. They pick themselves back up, dust themselves off and carry on. 3
Ariess10 Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 Beacuse you broke up for a reason , begging him back isn't gonna change the reason why you guys ended .. Sometimes I think that way , but then I start to think why we broke up and how things ended .. It's over and no matter how much we don't want that it is what it is .. Just wasn't meant to be , it ran its course and not we have to heal and take care of ourselfs .. I have lost myself big time in this relationship and I am trying so hard to get where I need to be ..
mightycpa Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 What have I got to lose by talking to my ex and telling him that I still love and miss him? I already feel rejected, sad, heart broken, and anxious\umcomfortable when we see each other and speak at work, so what's the worst that could happen, how much worse could I feel? Interesting question. You could lose a little dignity, you might lose his respect for you and you might lose whatever progress you've made to date since the breakup. Going back for more rejection, assuming that's what you get, is a lot like reliving the initial breakup. There's all this stuff out there about taking a chance, fighting for what you love, never giving up, so why shouldn't I listen to that? His ex fought and won him back, why shouldn't I try? Who did she fight, exactly? What did she do, convince him to be with her when he didn't want to be? You think that's going to last? The truth is that you've had your shot at this guy. You showed him who you were and it wasn't good enough. Now you're what? A changed person? A better girlfriend? C'mon, yeah, maybe for a little while, but you're still the same old girl inside. More desperate maybe? I'll believe that, but that doesn't win a lot of guys over. What is it about you that will allow you to convince him that he's made this huge mistake, and that you won't have to continue to convince him when he becomes disinterested again? You think that this time it will magically last forever? Why? Maybe he'll tell me to f off and he never wants to get back together. Maybe he'll tell me he made a huge mistake but thought I had moved on so didn't want to tell me. How will I ever know which it is if I don't take a chance? He's a stubborn fool so it's possible he's waiting for me to go to him. Its also possible that his ex really has changed for the better and they are very happy together. I just feel stuck in limbo with the what if's, the should I\shouldn't I. I don't want to regret not trying. I don't want to give up.Regret is a terrible thing. I guess the question you have to ask yourself is How many times do you need to hear that you're not the one before you let it go?In other words, will one last attempt satisfy you? Or will you try every six months until the day you die, because you just can't accept it? If it's one more time, yeah, then why not? All you have to lose is your dignity, his respect and any progress you've made so far. 4
Author imtrying211 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Posted August 4, 2015 I totally get what you guys are saying, and I know what I need to do. It's just so hard fighting the urge of what I want to do. We had a good relationship, didn't end on bad terms, and the reasons he gave for ending things were not at all serious deal breakers. I know that doesn't matter because the fact is he did end it, and he did go back to the person he left for me. That alone should make me not want to bother with him ever again, I know this. I'm just having a difficult time letting go. After I posted my initial thread, I went out for a smoke, and who should happen to come out a few minutes later....the ex. We chatted for like an hour and joked around just like old times. It's like nothing has changed, meanwhile everything has. This is why I can't let go, because of the contact. I don't seek him out, I don't approach him to talk, but at the same time I don't walk away either. I almost feel like I should "let it all out" so that it will basically prevent future contact, it will force me to avoid him and he will avoid me. I know that's a stupid way of thinking, I just can't find the strength to move on logically and appropriately.
TaraMaiden2 Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 Well then expect more of the same. Every time you engage with him, it's like passing razor wire up one nostril and down the other, then sinus-flossing, while sprinkling ground glass in your eues, and pushing needles under your nails. You just inflict extreme torture on yourself. You think it will feel good, but it leaves you feeling sick. You should tell him you're sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, and of pretending this is ok because actually, it's NOT ok, you feel your bandages being ripped off, the stitches torn out and you bleed every time he so much as looks at you. You've had enough, you can't take his casual "as if nothing happened" attitude, and you can't keep acting in this farce any more. Up to you. Either keep up with the self-crippling desperate torture, or quit bathing in self-inflicted misery and get the hell out of it. 3
ZiggyZoo Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 How much worse can letting him know how you feel hurt you? Well, right now, you've got a little bit of hope that if you just told him how much you love him, told him what you've changed, told him that you know he's stubborn and may not want to take the first step, that he'll come back, right? That little bit of hope will be crushed when it sinks in that he doesn't care WHAT you have to say, he's not interested. I'm sorry to say it too, but the fact that he can so casually talk to you confirms that he doesn't see you as girlfriend material anymore. Usually when people break up and they're in pain, they can't just act like nothing happened. He's over it, over that relationship. I really believe NC is absolutely your best bet. If you must, tell him you need to distance yourself for a time so you can come to terms with the breakup. And then just avoid any conversation not directly related to work. Yeah it sucks, but you're not going to get over him if you still keep this "friendship" going, with you wanting more. It's not fair to you either. And you've got the strength to do this. You can do anything you want to do, you just have to believe it's the right thing to do. That's where you're going to get hung up.
aloneinaz Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 If he's acting like an old "pal" around you, then as a guy, let me tell you where is at. He's over you. He has no emotional ties any longer. He's moved on and in all likelihood, is very happy with his GF. I've run into ex GF's that I dumped in my past after most of a year went by. Seeing and talking to them felt nostalgic, not emotional. I was over them before I made the decision to leave the R/S. You know you're there when you could run into an ex, see them making out w/another guy and say "good for her". That's how I've felt after a R/S ran it's course. What you need to do is try and avoid (if possible) running into him. If you run into him at work, say hello and keep walking. Who cares what he thinks. Then, as soon as your get some separation from him and your strong emotions about the break up ease, consider moving on and casually dating again. There's nothing wrong with spending time with some new guys to help your confidence and self esteem. It will also help close that chapter of your life when you really like the new guy in your life that's rocking your world.
Author imtrying211 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Posted August 4, 2015 I let him believe everything was OK when I decided to have a "no hard feelings" convo after about 30 days of NC. Part of me thought I was at the stage of healing where I could be OK with speaking to him again. Stupid, I know. Another part of me did it because that's basically what his ex did and he went running back. Even stupider, I know! At the time we discussed how we couldn't be friends, but could at least be civil at work. Well he didn't stick to the plan I guess, but neither did I. I haven't stopped contact because it hurts to think of not speaking to him again, but at the same time, this "friends" BS is killing me. I keep trying to convince myself that I can deal with it, that having him in some way is better than losing him all together. I've been torturing myself long enough, coming up on 4 months post breakup. Obviously it's time for me to accept reality. Thanks everyone for your words of wisdom.
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