Deal Breaker or Give Him Another Chance?

[Gary S]

That's precisely the challenge - love him less w less trust...it's hard to process when you're blindsided by it...

 

- I know it's difficult... your love level took a big hit because he told you a lie. You were in love with him before the lie, but your love level is lower now.

 

This is just something you will have to go through, a process, to see if you can rebuild trust with this man over time.... or perhaps you won't? Obviously, if there is a chance of it working out, he can't lie to you again.

 

If he really has integrity, stops lying, and your love level has not fallen to low, it may come back up over time. Maybe.

 

It's just something you'll have to workout on your own (and with him). Time will tell the tale.

Edited August 4, 2015 by Gary S

[RebelWithoutACause]

His ex live a few states away (it was long distance), and he hasn't gone there since I met him. I spend enough time with him now, such that I'm pretty comfortable saying he's not seeing her if she happened to come to town.

 

He says he has not initiated any contact w her since they last split...I don't have a clue if that's true...

 

As for the story - he said the last bit of Ike they were together the first one, it had digressed to seeming platonic and that he felt he somewhat obligated to be there for her when they got back together...the platonic thing just kind of stuck...

 

There is a possibility that he is downplaying what type of relationship they had because things are not completely over yet and he doesn't want you to be suspicious. Which could also explain why he didn't want you to know he was dating her up until a few weeks before getting together with you, again, because he doesn't want you to know the extent of their involvement.

 

If there was no physical attraction why would they make the effort to travel across several states to see each other as often as every 2 to 4 weeks? I am in a LDR which is very non platonic () and I know from experience it's very difficult to see each other that often, it takes money, time, travel and putting other things on hold to make it happen. It's doubtful somebody who just "felt somewhat obligated to be there for her" would go thru that effort twice a month only from a sense of obligation.

 

I'm not saying any of this is true, but if I were in your shoes I would be thinking along those lines and I am not even a very suspicious person.

[Strahatmak]

Sorry but what creeps you out about this particular lie?

 

Is this lie really damaging? Does he seem like a dishonest date to you now? People lie; but whether the lie is damaging, what's behind the story and where the lie leads to are more important.

[Vixen32]

There is a possibility that he is downplaying what type of relationship they had because things are not completely over yet and he doesn't want you to be suspicious. Which could also explain why he didn't want you to know he was dating her up until a few weeks before getting together with you, again, because he doesn't want you to know the extent of their involvement.

 

If there was no physical attraction why would they make the effort to travel across several states to see each other as often as every 2 to 4 weeks? I am in a LDR which is very non platonic () and I know from experience it's very difficult to see each other that often, it takes money, time, travel and putting other things on hold to make it happen. It's doubtful somebody who just "felt somewhat obligated to be there for her" would go thru that effort twice a month only from a sense of obligation.

 

I'm not saying any of this is true, but if I were in your shoes I would be thinking along those lines and I am not even a very suspicious person.

 

I'm really not concerned about the ex - it's the lying that I have a hard time with. Yes, they did see each other often in a long distance context, but they both have plenty of money and it was mainly just weekends. I don't know about the obligation thing - he said it, but I don't know if he used the right word. I interpreted it as they had spent so long together, that he felt the need to try to make it work out.

 

Regardless - I'm obviously suspicious at this point - sure, he lied about one of his exes - I don't have the biggest issue with that, it's more how easy the lying seemed for him...including adding small fabricated details. I am not entirely sure what the best way is to get over it and to rebuild trust...I want to, I just don't know if I can...

[Vixen32]

Sorry but what creeps you out about this particular lie?

 

Is this lie really damaging? Does he seem like a dishonest date to you now? People lie; but whether the lie is damaging, what's behind the story and where the lie leads to are more important.

 

Strahatmak - how do you figure out what's behind the story? And what do you mean by where the lie leads?

 

I asked him why he lied - he said he thought I would be creeped out by the fact that he had just effectively split with an ex of several years a couple of weeks before I met him - a person he was effectively over if you believe the rest of what he told me - but I can see where communicating that on date one would be a challenge. The first few weeks were a big question mark, and neither one of us knew what to expect - so he didn't bother correcting it at that time. When things got better between us, he was ashamed and embarassed by it...and said he didn't know how to best correct it, so it was just easier to go with it than embrace the truth. It sounds plausible, but I don't know what to believe at this point.

[Gaeta]

Strahatmak - how do you figure out what's behind the story? And what do you mean by where the lie leads?

 

I asked him why he lied - he said he thought I would be creeped out by the fact that he had just effectively split with an ex of several years a couple of weeks before I met him - a person he was effectively over if you believe the rest of what he told me - but I can see where communicating that on date one would be a challenge. The first few weeks were a big question mark, and neither one of us knew what to expect - so he didn't bother correcting it at that time. When things got better between us, he was ashamed and embarassed by it...and said he didn't know how to best correct it, so it was just easier to go with it than embrace the truth. It sounds plausible, but I don't know what to believe at this point.

 

Believe him and forgive him. The mistake is human.

 

You've had 6 months to look into his character and you only have good things to say about him. Among all the qualities you need to have for a loving relationship to last through the years is 'forgiveness'. Without forgiveness you will never succeed long term.

Edited August 4, 2015 by Gaeta

[Vixen32]

It seems like many think I should try to over look it - but it's hard! I want to...I just don't know what what process looks like.

 

As mentioned earlier - we talked about this last night - it started on the phone, but he wanted to do it in person...so he came over, told me a lot of things, said he felt bad, that he knows he hurt me, that he feels good that I caught him, because he had been feeling bad about it, but didn't know how to breach the matter, that he's embarassed, and then he curled up in a ball, and couldn't look at me. He said everything was his fault, and kept trying to reassure me that I was amazing.

 

Regardless - I have asked him if he could meet me tonight after I have dinner with my friend. I think that will happen - what information should I try to get from him? What should I ask him? What kind of statements do I need to hear from him if we are going to continue?

 

Totally clueless in this area, but I want it to work out. Could couples therapy help?

[Vintage79]

Vixen -that sucks that you have to deal with that - life would be so much easier if you didn't have to deal with these little things. Yes, little things, if your last post is real, it sounds like he feels really bad, and the motivation to do it in the first place, well, never great - could be much worse. If that's the extent of the lying - basically fabricating a story about a prior relationship, when in fact his real story speaks towards his fidelity, you could be much worse off.

 

If you meet him, I'd get him to tell you why he lied again...and just think about it. Don't get angry or aggressive - this is a situation where you need to figure out if you can deal with what he did. If you haven't done this yet, it may be a good time to discuss your relationship and how both of you view it, what it means to you, and what you need in the relationship to be happy - at least if you want to try to preserve it. The guy sounds likely sincere, although you don't know with certainty. Since he's the first guy you've had feelings for in a while, I'd probably try to work things out, as this is effectively an elaborate white lie - not one meant to be harmful or destructive. Worst case, another shot at it will minimize potential future regrets. Mao sure he knows and appreciate how damaging this was to you , that it's unacceptable, and try to foster a road to better communication if you move forward with him.

 

It's hard -I know, but I'msure you'll make the right choice...

[TaraMaiden2]

I think that will happen - what information should I try to get from him? What should I ask him? What kind of statements do I need to hear from him if we are going to continue?

 

Totally clueless in this area, but I want it to work out. Could couples therapy help?

 

I think you personally, need individual therapy.

 

This guy is bending over backwards, and your insecurities are blocking the way to what could potentially be a very contented and cohesive relationship.

 

Why put him through more pain?

What is this, the third-degree? Why do you need 'a friend' along? What more does he need to do? What is it you actually want from him?

 

You're making a huge thing out of this, and frankly, I think you need to cut him loose for both your sakes.

 

Him, because he will never ever be able to do enough, it seems, to satisfy your paranoia, and will just have to keep proving himself, whatever that means to you - and you, because you are just not ready to commit unconditionally to a relationship, without blowing it up with your issues from the past.

 

He did and said all he could last night, yet you just want to keep pushing and pushing.

 

You need to quit working him over, and start working on yourself.

Enough is enough...

[Gaeta]

Regardless - I have asked him if he could meet me tonight after I have dinner with my friend. I think that will happen - what information should I try to get from him? What should I ask him? What kind of statements do I need to hear from him if we are going to continue?

 

Totally clueless in this area, but I want it to work out. Could couples therapy help?

 

You ask him nothing. He told you everything there is to know.

 

Couples therapy is for long term relationship for people that have a lot of time invested and have children, not for someone you've been dating 6 months. If you can't get over what a 'boyfriend' did than you break up.

 

I agree with above poster that it's individual therapy for yourself that is appropriate. You need to get over your ex cheating and you need to understand that people make small mistakes, we all do, it's part of being human.

[katiegrl]

You ask him nothing. He told you everything there is to know.

 

Couples therapy is for long term relationship for people that have a lot of time invested and have children, not for someone you've been dating 6 months. If you can't get over what a 'boyfriend' did than you break up.

 

I agree with above poster that it's individual therapy for yourself that is appropriate. You need to get over your ex cheating and you need to understand that people make small mistakes, we all do, it's part of being human.

 

Absolutely agree with Gaeta and Tara.

 

You are making a monumental mountain out of what is essentially a molehill. A very small blip, and if you are making this much of a commotion over something this minor, I shudder to think how you will react and deal with the much larger challenges you will experience, both as an individual and as part of a couple.

 

He acknowledged his mistake, apologized profusely and feels remorse.

 

Lesson learned .....now get over it already and move on from it.. In the grand scheme of life, this is not that huge a deal.

 

In fact I am still trying to figure out what he did that was so god awful. At most, he stretched the truth a bit to spare your feelings, and given your reaction now, can't say I blame him.

 

Sorry this is harsh, but like Tara said you're being ridiculous. We all make mistakes. We feel remorse, apologize, lesson learned. Which he did.

 

Now it's your turn. Understanding and forgiveness.

Edited August 5, 2015 by katiegrl

[Vixen32]

Absolutely agree with Gaeta and Tara.

 

You are making a monumental mountain out of what is essentially a molehill. A very small blip, and if you are making this much of a commotion over something this minor, I shudder to think how you will react and deal with the much larger challenges you will experience, both as an individual and as part of a couple.

 

He acknowledged his mistake, apologized profusely and feels remorse.

 

Lesson learned .....now get over it already and move on from it.. In the grand scheme of life, this is not that huge a deal.

 

In fact I am still trying to figure out what he did that was so god awful. At most, he stretched the truth a bit to spare your feelings, and given your reaction now, can't say I blame him.

 

Sorry this is harsh, but like Tara said you're being ridiculous. We all make mistakes. We feel remorse, apologize, lesson learned. Which he did.

 

Now it's your turn. Understanding and forgiveness.

 

I know the trust thing is on me, and it's hard because of the cheating in prior relationships - and I have been to therapists about it - it's not like I'm trying to ignore that trauma. The part that scares me is that he was so convincing when talking about this past relationship (i.e. the lie) over the past few months, and it scares me to think what else he could be hiding. Yes, this fear is largely an artifact of my prior trauma, and I understand that describing one girlfriend that he had for several years (with a split in the middle - so realistically, 2 different dating experiences), as 2 different people could be a lot worse, and that doesn't, and won't, directly impact me in any way - it's really just me figuring out how I can trust what he says (because I want to) - so starting to think through that trust rebuilding process.

[katiegrl]

I know the trust thing is on me, and it's hard because of the cheating in prior relationships - and I have been to therapists about it - it's not like I'm trying to ignore that trauma. The part that scares me is that he was so convincing when talking about this past relationship (i.e. the lie) over the past few months, and it scares me to think what else he could be hiding. Yes, this fear is largely an artifact of my prior trauma, and I understand that describing one girlfriend that he had for several years (with a split in the middle - so realistically, 2 different dating experiences), as 2 different people could be a lot worse, and that doesn't, and won't, directly impact me in any way - it's really just me figuring out how I can trust what he says (because I want to) - so starting to think through that trust rebuilding process.

 

Yeah I don't know why he would feel compelled to *lie* about that either, who cares if it was the same girl or a different girl, the point is they broke up a year ago, he's moved on and is now with you!

 

It's such a silly thing to lie about, you know? What the hell difference does it make? It's almost funny.

 

Sounds like he has his OWN issues, I mean he feels so bad about such an insignificant blunder, he crawled up in a ball seeking forgiveness???? WTF.

Edited August 5, 2015 by katiegrl

[TaraMaiden2]

I know the trust thing is on me, and it's hard because of the cheating in prior relationships - and I have been to therapists about it - it's not like I'm trying to ignore that trauma. The part that scares me is that he was so convincing when talking about this past relationship (i.e. the lie) over the past few months, and it scares me to think what else he could be hiding. Yes, this fear is largely an artifact of my prior trauma, and I understand that describing one girlfriend that he had for several years (with a split in the middle - so realistically, 2 different dating experiences), as 2 different people could be a lot worse, and that doesn't, and won't, directly impact me in any way - it's really just me figuring out how I can trust what he says (because I want to) - so starting to think through that trust rebuilding process.

 

If you look closely at your post - and the parts I have bolded - this is YOUR issue.

 

If you have been to therapists, and it seems that for all your attendances you STILL have this issue - you either need to return to IC, or change therapist.

 

The whole point of therapy is not to go offload and express your thoughts.

It's to find a resolution, a way to positively and constructively move forward.

 

Do you think you've made significant progress?

To be honest, from this angle, it really doesn't look like it.

 

Liars have to be convincing. There would be little point in lying if it was so easy to see through the lies.

But he has now come clean, and to be honest, I can't see anywhere that would indicate the lies were supposed to be malicious, hurtful, manipulative or conniving.

 

He lied because he felt like an idiot.

I am not sure just how much more he has to work in order to convince you of his dedication.

He's been with you 6 months.

 

Other than this, has anything else given you cause for concern?

if not, you need to shift your focus off him, and onto yourself and your progress.

Ask yourself: 'Just what am I going to have to do to free myself to relax and love again, as I deserve to?'

 

Because right now, all you're doing is imprisoning yourself in your own mistrust and fear.

[Vixen32]

Yeah I don't know why he would feel compelled to *lie* about that either, who cares if it was the same girl or a different girl, the point is they broke up a year ago, he's moved on and is now with you!

 

It's such a silly thing to lie about, you know? What the hell difference does it make? It's almost funny.

 

Sounds like he has his OWN issues, I mean he feels so bad about such an insignificant blunder, he crawled up in a ball seeking forgiveness???? WTF.

 

I think he curled up in a ball more because he felt bad about how it impacted me, the fact that he thought it may result in a permanent break-up, and he was disappointed in himself for not being more forthright about it...my guess is he didn't feel all that bad about the content he lied about...basically, some details about his dating history that shouldn't directly impact me. He told me the part he feels the worst about how is how it has hurt me...

 

Anyhow, if you neglect the break in his relationship with the girl he dated for a while (say for 7 years (a 5-6 year block of time, a 4 month break, then another year)), he actually only broke up with her a few weeks before he met me. He thought I'd be creeped out by the fact that he just got out of a ~7 year relationship, so he split it her into 2 people, using their "break" as the division point - the motivation for the lie was such that I didn't run away and never come back after date 1, as he thought it would be difficult to explain the "platonic" nature of that last year and that it wasn't an emotionally fulfilling relationship and hence easy to get over - so the origin of the lie was him lacking confidence in his ability to fully explain the situation (or it was somewhat manipulative). So no, in that sense, they did not break up a year ago - they broke up in January - I met him in early February...

[PaperCrane]

Slow. Down.

 

You've spent half a year with this person. The only thing you can complain about is that his dating history isn't what you thought it to be. Who cares what it is? You're with him now, that's what matters. Your microscopic focus on this issue is probably why he said what he did because you can't let go of your past OR his past.

 

Lies are never good, however in the grand scheme of things this is a white lie. If you two stayed together and years down the line bring this back up, that he tried anything to make sure he had a shot with you and he had to 'lie' about his bad relationship so he wouldn't scare you off, it would be something to laugh about. Instead, you're getting worked up after he's done everything he can think of to remedy the small bad thing he's done.

 

No one's perfect. It's the 6-9 month mark which is when most people split anyways. Are you just looking for a reason to jump ship?

[katiegrl]

I think he curled up in a ball more because he felt bad about how it impacted me, the fact that he thought it may result in a permanent break-up, and he was disappointed in himself for not being more forthright about it...my guess is he didn't feel all that bad about the content he lied about...basically, some details about his dating history that shouldn't directly impact me. He told me the part he feels the worst about how is how it has hurt me...

 

Anyhow, if you neglect the break in his relationship with the girl he dated for a while (say for 7 years (a 5-6 year block of time, a 4 month break, then another year)), he actually only broke up with her a few weeks before he met me. He thought I'd be creeped out by the fact that he just got out of a ~7 year relationship, so he split it her into 2 people, using their "break" as the division point - the motivation for the lie was such that I didn't run away and never come back after date 1, as he thought it would be difficult to explain the "platonic" nature of that last year and that it wasn't an emotionally fulfilling relationship and hence easy to get over - so the origin of the lie was him lacking confidence in his ability to fully explain the situation (or it was somewhat manipulative). So no, in that sense, they did not break up a year ago - they broke up in January - I met him in early February...

 

I could not even get through your second paragraph ...... again you are making a huge mountain out of a very small molehill .....let it go sweetie....and like Gaeta and Tara suggested, look into some individual therapy.

 

Good luck.

[Gaeta]

the motivation for the lie was such that I didn't run away and never come back after date 1, as he thought it would be difficult to explain the "platonic" nature of that last year and that it wasn't an emotionally fulfilling relationship and hence easy to get over - so the origin of the lie was him lacking confidence in his ability to fully explain the situation (or it was somewhat manipulative). So no, in that sense, they did not break up a year ago - they broke up in January - I met him in early February...

 

 

No it's not.

 

He lied for the reasons he said he lied. Stop trying to find a deeper meaning. Like I said, you had just started dating, he was NOT gonna go through explaining every thing to you in details.

[TaraMaiden2]

I think he curled up in a ball more because he felt bad about how it impacted me, the fact that he thought it may result in a permanent break-up, and he was disappointed in himself for not being more forthright about it...my guess is he didn't feel all that bad about the content he lied about...basically, some details about his dating history that shouldn't directly impact me. He told me the part he feels the worst about how is how it has hurt me...

And this doesn't help him....?

 

Anyhow, if you neglect the break in his relationship with the girl he dated for a while .... he actually only broke up with her a few weeks before he met me. He thought I'd be creeped out by the fact that he just got out of a ~7 year relationship, so he split it her into 2 people, using their "break" as the division point - the motivation for the lie was such that I didn't run away .....as he thought it would be difficult to explain the "platonic" nature of that last year and that it wasn't an emotionally fulfilling relationship and hence easy to get over - ...... So no, in that sense, they did not break up a year ago - they broke up in January - I met him in early February...

 

You're splitting hairs.

 

A friend of mine lived under the same roof as her estranged husband for 5 years before they could both go their separate ways.

The court agreed that even though they had TECHNICALLY been "living together" the marriage had broken down 5 years ago, and granted the divorce on the grounds of long-term estrangement.

 

If the Court can see the technicality, I would respectfully suggest you do the same.

 

The guy is walking on egg-shells here....

[TaraMaiden2]

We're all pretty much telling you the same thing here, aren't we?

 

So, is there any chance you might put a brake on your own insecurities and start looking at this from a more understanding angle?

 

If not, I think whatever's stopping you, always will, in every relationship you find yourself in.

 

You need to see someone about this.....

[Gaeta]

Vixen: Here's an opportunity for you to work through your lack of trust. If you don't make a conscious effort to calm down and de-dramatize this very trivial event then I can guarantee you none of your future relationships are gonna last either.

[wb1988]

No it's not.

 

He lied for the reasons he said he lied. Stop trying to find a deeper meaning. Like I said, you had just started dating, he was NOT gonna go through explaining every thing to you in details.

 

Yeah the worst part is at no point did she think how it's humiliating him. He was obviously embarrassed about it so he made a white lie and she's still dragging it on.

 

Like I said, if you continue to drag this on then he'll know that you're someone that never lets things go and keeps others walking on egg shells. If you date another guy I'm sure he'll do something that'll make this lie seem like nothing.

 

I still can't believe that there is a person that even thinks that saying you've been with 2 exs in x amount of time is better than 1 ex.

Edited August 5, 2015 by wb1988

[katiegrl]

And this doesn't help him....?

 

 

 

You're splitting hairs.

 

A friend of mine lived under the same roof as her estranged husband for 5 years before they could both go their separate ways.

The court agreed that even though they had TECHNICALLY been "living together" the marriage had broken down 5 years ago, and granted the divorce on the grounds of long-term estrangement.

 

If the Court can see the technicality, I would respectfully suggest you do the same.

 

The guy is walking on egg-shells here....

 

Yes he is absolutely walking on eggshells. .....no question.

 

Vixen with respect, your behavior is borderline histrionic if not full blown histrionic.

 

Please do as Tara suggested and seek therapy. Not just for your trust issues, but so you can learn how to stop being so melodramatic ....and overly emotional about something, as Gaeta put it, so trivial....or about anything really. You will ultimately drive every man you get involved with away .....including this guy, if you don't get a handle on it.

 

Please.

[Vixen32]

Thanks all - I was planning on seeing him last night, but that didn't happen - so it will be tonight. I actually haven't brought up much of this with him yet - just asking him for the initial explanation of his behavior. Yes, I have insecurities catalyzed by past trauma - which is one of the main reasons I was seeking input on this forum, which has been incredibly helpful. My insecurities tend to elevate the significance of some issues beyond where they should be, so an outside perspective helps me ground those issues and try to place the significance of those issues at an appropriate, as opposed to overblown, level.

 

The general view from ~90% of the feedback has been extraordinarily consistent, and speaks towards me thinking that this is a bigger deal than it is...which will help be throttle back on the intensity of the conversations with him. It also helps me realize that this should be something I should be able to get over relatively quickly. The last thing I would want is in our next interaction for my view on the significance to be overblown and damage the relationship with him. The conversations here I think have tempered a more realistic view of this issue that will help me curb my responses, and enable me to work on some of the excess problem (that from my trauma), more on the side as opposed to with him.

[TaraMaiden2]

I really, really hope you can work on this.

 

That you have been so receptive is a positive sign, and speaks well for your determination to conquer this problem you have.

 

I really, really hope you can open up to him, and explain just why this has affected you and how you would appreciate a joint effort - your work, his support - to see your way through to a healthy, constructive and positive relationship.

Good luck, I wish you well...

 

Keep us posted, ok?