danhalen138 Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 (edited) Hi, I've lurked here off and on for awhile gaining strange catharsis (misery loves company I suppose) and thought I'd share my heartache story as it appears the last nail was drove in today. I would certainly appreciate advice, insight, your story etc. After writing this, I'm not sure if it was cathartic but it makes me see some of her actions more objectively and see the selfesh acts, but it doesn't make me stop loving her. I met my ex almost a year and a half ago while working in Guam. She is Japanese and was on vacation when our paths crossed. There was definitely a language barrier but she did speak English. There was however a lot of non-verbal communication and sort of difficulty discussing things beyond the superficial. None the less, we hit it off pretty much immediately. It was like we were speaking the language of love and that was enough to really enjoy being around each other. She left Guam but we stayed in contact and began dating and visiting each other regularly. We would take turns visiting each other about once a month. I was worried that we were always in vacation mode and having fun and maybe not getting to know each other as much as we should. Because of this I tried not to get too attached right away. She studied her English hard and I tried rather unsuccessfully to learn Japanese so we could relate more. Every time we saw each other we became closer and closer, and finally decided it would be great if we could move in together in give things a real go. I was set to move to California last March for work and she opted to quit her job and enroll in an ESL course in Canada as she wanted to stay close to me but also to work and it was much easier for her to get a work visa in Canada. Before she went to Canada she stayed with me for about a month in California and we were able to play house in my small temporary apartment while we were also searching for a house to buy. The month came and went and I felt closer to her than ever and completely trusted her. I wasn't worried about the relationship surviving the distance as that's sort of how our relationship had always been. The plan was for her to stay in Canada for about 2-4 months, finish the course and work on her own for the summer, and then move in together. The first week she was there she called me crying telling me how much she missed me and wanted to come back as soon as the course was over rather than staying longer to work. I tried to encourage her to at least finish her studies but was actually glad she wanted to come back ASAP as of course I missed her and was anxious to get our life together started. We kept regular communication and as the weeks went on she started meeting friends, getting accustomed to her new surroundings, and having fun. Good for her I thought. I visited her in June and I guess this is when I saw my first warning sign. We had a great trip together but the second day there was like a public sort of dance party/talent show thing going on near her school. She wanted us to go because her friend was performing and she wanted to see it and she really wanted me to meet him because "he's so kind and so funny." During the performance she seemed enamored with him and as soon as he was done she left my side to go talk with him, ditching me, not asking me to go meet him, etc etc. I was a little peeved but assumed it was innocent because I blindly trusted her so much. I could tell he was really charming and charismatic, went over and introduced myself but also did some subtle marking of my territory so he would know we were together. The rest of the trip was fine and I didn't really think about the exchange any more. Over the next couple weeks she was hinting that she thinks she would like to stay in Vancouver for longer than anticipated and work. I told her I didn't understand and that if the situation was reversed I would want to be with her ASAP. I have a career here, and don't have the luxury of coming to her. She didn't even have a job at this time. We compromised and decided that because she had to go back to Japan for a wedding in September anyways, she would just return to California after that and maybe we could visit in August. That was basically the original plan anyways. Then it all went to ****. Looking back it seems over the last month she would linger a bit to respond to my texts and it seemed like I was always the one initiating communication. On Tuesday I woke up to see two text messages on my phone. The first was her was just saying Hi and good morning as we would often do. The next was from a couple hours later saying That there's something she has to tell me and asking if we can break up and that she's sorry but she can't see me anymore. Completely out of left field. I thought we were on track to be married soon. I had just bought a big house for us as I thought we'd be starting a family in the next few year. I was half halfheartedly perusing engagement rings only days before. I was stunned. I still cannot believe this is happening. Never had a fight, never had any discussions of her being unhappy, I felt like I always put her first. What the hell??? I tried to text her back but got impatient and hopped on facebook to message her as depending on her wifi status and what device she was on, sometimes this was a faster way to reach her. I see on her page that the guy from before had tagged her in a bunch of pictures of them being all couply. When I finally was able to get her on the phone she said she hadn't slept with him (find that hard to believe) but that this had been going on for about a month. She said every time we talked during that time she wanted to tell me but didn't know what to say. I think part of that is the Japanese culture and not wanting to be direct with telling people or letting people down. I really don't think she meant to be cruel. I tried to pry for more information and try to make sense of what was happening. She said she didn't know how to explain it in English but that she thinks she likes him more than me. Brutal. He was already on a plane back to Mexico as the course had just ended so I asked her if she loves him. She didn't know. Does he love you? I think maybe so. So what the ****? You're moving to Mexico now? No. I don't know. She says she's confused about what she wants and that she needs a month to figure things out. I told her that was unacceptable and that I cannot sit here waiting to be "chosen". She told me she felt like if she made a decision now she was deciding the rest of her life. She was worried that she was 24 and that before we were definitely on the same page of having a serious relationship leading towards a life together, but that now that she's on her own in a new place she thinks she needs to experience more and isn't ready for this. I called her later that day like bone head and she was totally apologetic. I think not so much because of what she did but just that I was so hurt and she was feeling guilty. She said she's hopping on a plane on Monday and that we can talk things through and she needs to see my face to see what she feels. I of course wanted her to come but told her she needs to break things off with the other guy immediately and delete the photos. She said she can't do that. I asked if he knows that she's having these uncertain feelings. She said he doesn't. My thought was that she had sort of already made her decision and that she was concerned that if she told him it could jeopardize their thing. Still, I'm weak and loved her and just grasped at straws and told her to come out. I texted a couple hours later to see if she got a ticket, she said no and that she wouldn't be coming after all and that she needs time to think and if I couldn't understand that then she has to say goodbye. Talked to her on the phone the next day or something (everything has blurred together) and she said this time she's definitely coming out Wednesday as that's the soonest she could get money for a ticket and tie up things with work and she promises blah blah blah. Still did the doormat thing. This was last Thursday and I figured it was a coin toss whether she would actually come or not. Went NC after that until today when I texted her to ask if she was still coming. She said "Maybe not." I told her not to come if she didn't want to, told her I loved her, that I really enjoyed our time together and that I hope she finds whatever it is she's looking for. She thanked me and told me how much she appreciated that we could meet and spend our time together. That's that. God damn this hurts so much. I don't think she's a bad person and I don't think she meant to hurt me but I know I can't change the way she feels. As much as I try not to, I still hold this shred of hope that she'll change her mind even though I know it's a totally unhealthy and unrealistic fantasy. These things she's doing seems so incongrouis with everything I know about her and I'm shocked she could be capable of this. It's especially frustrating to invest so much in a future together and to have it fall apart without really being able to give it a shot and just kind of feel like a victim of life and circumstance. I'm heartbroken by the fact that in all likelihood I'll never see her again, and we won't get to do all the great thinks we had looked forward to. When I think of her with someone else it makes me want to throw up. It actually did when she first broke the news. Part of what sucks so much is I'm in a new city with no real friends or support network. I was counting on her being here next month and it was my light at the end of the tunnel. I bought this big stupid house for her and now I'm just sort of rattling around inside. It seems the loss of the relationship itself is nearly as painful as the loss of the individual. Like I said, we had started building a future together and maybe it sounds strange but I really was wanting to get married. Not sure if men have a biological clock like that but I just keep thinking god dammit, I don't want to have to find someone else, start a new relationship, etc. I want to satisfy this part of my life while I'm still relatively young (29) and now I'm just back to square 0. I told a friend a couple months ago that I was sure she was "the one". I know the tenets of no contact, exercise, stay busy, etc but I'm just having a really really hard time. I think I'm learning about myself that I have some serious codependency issues that I need to work through. Edited August 4, 2015 by danhalen138 formatting
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