YellowPetal Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 So, my ex slept with someone while we were still together and later broke up with me. He is with this person now. He told me he thought we were already broken up, but in reality, he never talked to me about breaking up. After we broke up, he told me he was unsure about his decision to break up with me, but he kept sleeping with this girl. We even opened a joint account (after breaking up) because, apparently, there was nobody else in his life he trust more than me. Anyway, should I let this girl know what kind of jerk my ex is? The chances are, he will do the same thing to her. I know he treated badly other women in the past, I wish someone had told me this before I got myself too invested in the relationship. Honestly, I don't want more drama and pain in my life, but I hate how he treats women. He betrays them, uses them, lies to them and is never clear about where you stand with him in the relationship. One day he tells you he wants kids with you, and the next he acts as though you don't even exist. After he gets bored, he gets someone else, and doesn't even bother to treat you with respect you deserve.
Satu Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 YellowPetal said: "We even opened a joint account (after breaking up) because, apparently, there was nobody else in his life he trust more than me. Anyway, should I let this girl know what kindof jerk my ex is?" *Get your money out of that joint account and have yourself removed from it. It makes no sense to have such a thing with an ex, especially with one you disapprove of. As regards warning his girlfriend: Its up to you, but its not a good idea to put yourself between them. He will probably tell her that you are a jealous nut, and she will probably believe him. Drama. *No direct contact in either direction. *Block any means he might use to contact you. *No sending or receiving of messages. *No replies to anything that gets through your blocks. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. *No monitoring of him on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying. 7
aloneinaz Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 OP- Don't do it as you will look like a desperate, vindictive, crazy ex. I think you time would be MUCH better spent looking internally at WHY you allowed this behavior from him. That is the area you need to work on. What you said in your other posts was fairly shocking. 3
d0nnivain Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 She won't believe you & you will come off looking like the psycho EX. 6
Gus Grimly Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 You can send your Ex's new GF the info but love is blind and very hard to see when you're in a relationship. My Ex's own friends told me she was a cheater and always had guys on the side. I didn't believe them till it was too late. So you can give the new GF a heads up, but I don't think it will do much good. 2
kendahke Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 Honestly, I don't want more drama and pain in my life, but But nothing. If you don't want more drama and pain in your life, leave it alone. She knows exactly what kind of a guy she's with. You'll just look like the crazy ex who's a sore loser that she can't have him. 2
Felicite Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 YellowPetal said: "We even opened a joint account (after breaking up) because, apparently, there was nobody else in his life he trust more than me. Anyway, should I let this girl know what kindof jerk my ex is?" *Get your money out of that joint account and have yourself removed from it. It makes no sense to have such a thing with an ex, especially with one you disapprove of. I agree to this, and If you say you don't want any more drama and pain in your life you shoudn't bother having to do anything with these people. 1
Dudearino Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 (edited) Well guess I'm crazy then... I'm a firm believer in the Golden Rule. In my situation nobody told me when she was already dating the guy when we'd go out, and meet friends yet they never said a damn word to me. Anyways, its really up to you. If you do keep it as nice as you can. No insults & details! I wrote mine in the heat of the moment so it had 2 or 3 insults not terrible ones, but nevertheless in her eyes I dont care at this point what she percieves me as. Felt like I did it out of love for her (why I dunno), and giving the new guy that happens to be 9 hours away from her a heads up that shes confused. I look at it this way its always gonna be in the other persons head regardless. If they are that desperate let em be. Back before I started NC her pinterest said "Actions speak louder than words." Guess I'll be crazy until she realizes shes the irrational one. Bottom line do what your heart says... & if you do keep it nice & informal! Edited August 4, 2015 by Dudearino Forgot to add 1
ZiggyZoo Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 Nah, eff it. Like the others said, you'll come off as the crazy ex and she won't listen to you anyway. Yeah, sucks to be her, but you're not responsible for her wellbeing. And hell yes, get your money out of that joint account! Cut all ties to this mess, and do it before he cleans you out or runs up a bunch of overdraft fees or something. 1
mrldii Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 Nope, OP. The fact that he's trying to convince you that the two of you were already broken up (and you were there), is probably a good indication he's already convinced her you two were already broken up. As others have noted, you will simply come off as the crazy, jealous ex who simply wants him back.
Her Bridges Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 The new girlfriend of one of my exes once came to me and asked why we had broken up. I never really knew her other than a friend-of-a-friend, but I proceeded to explain to her how hateful and manipulative he was to me, that he lied to me and played with my emotions. Facts of the relationship, not just the whining of a scorned lover. She called me a jealous, psycho b*tch and stormed off. Fast forward a year and a half and I get a Facebook message that "oh you were right, he's so mean, why didn't you tell me more? Why didn't you warn me?" Long story short - the new girl doesn't want your insights. She won't listen to you, she's going to have to figure it out for herself. If you want to tell her, then do so, but don't be surprised by a) her hostile response and b) a huge backlash from your ex. 1
mightycpa Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 No you should not. The reason is that he's not a cheater. He just cheated on you. You know how you've lied to people in your life before today? Well, that would be like somebody going out of their way to call you a liar. Granted, everybody lies, and not everybody cheats, but in principle, it's the same thing. You can't be sure he'll cheat on her. All you know is that he cheated on you. As to this, I hate how he treats women. He betrays them, uses them, lies to them and is never clear about where you stand with him in the relationship. One day he tells you he wants kids with you, and the next he acts as though you don't even exist. After he gets bored, he gets someone else, and doesn't even bother to treat you with respect you deserve. I'm inclined to believe that you mean that you hate how he treated YOU. Because if you knew that he treated all women this way, it begs the questions a) how do you know? and b) why you would get involved with someone like that? If you learned it after the fact, why did he have to break up with you, and why in the world would you continue to give him any of your time or trust? Let it go, OP. Cut him out of your life, and let his punishment be that he's not with you any more. That should be enough. 2
Author YellowPetal Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 So, you think that telling me he wasn't sure about breaking up with me for a month after we were not together anymore is not a form of betrayal? How about asking me not to close our joint account because I am the only person he can trust? If I found out someone I was dating was asking stuff like this from his ex, I would be really upset and dump him right away. Well, I found out he treated badly other women, but after we broke up. It's hard for me to let go of what happened because he told me he loved me, that I shouldn't be unsure of his feelings, that I was the only person he trusted and that we might have kids. I admit I didn't recognize the red flags such as him making fun of other people's pain and the fact that he only cares about making money. My only previous relationship lasted for 8 years, and I always tried to be understanding and to see the best in him. I don't think that was wrong, I was just very naive.
d0nnivain Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 It doesn't matter what you say. When you talk trash about an EX, even the smallest criticism, to everybody except your nearest & dearest who were there to witness the truth you come across as a nut. Just let the other person go & trust in karma. It's a imperfect resolution but it's the one that leaves you looking the best. 6
aloneinaz Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 I don't think that was wrong, I was just very naive. Yes you were but the good news is YOU'VE learned from it. Your best revenge from this person is to VANISH from his life, never to be heard from again. Harboring excess revenge thoughts, anger and other un-healthy emotions are going to hold you back from moving on. It's sad, but there are MILLIONS of people who've had the misfortune of running into people like this guy. Hell, I have and know many others as well. It just goes with the territory when dating people. We just have to do a better job of identifying the red flags and running when we see them. 1
Sunshine09 Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 I thought about this at one point as well Should I send her the screenshots of what he was saying to me when he was saying stuff to her as well. Should I tell her that when he was talking to her he was also sleeping with me and telling me he "loved me" during it I thought long and hard but really what does it accomplish except make you look desperate and crazy because they are likely NOT going to take your side if they are currently seeing your ex. It is just more drama and stress for you to have to deal with on top of everything else and it only reflects badly on you because it makes you look obsessive. She will find out soon enough his true character for herself. I know this because I have since been in contact with my ex's ex and she told me he was the exact same with her prior to me. 1
Author YellowPetal Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 (edited) Yes you were but the good news is YOU'VE learned from it. Your best revenge from this person is to VANISH from his life, never to be heard from again. Harboring excess revenge thoughts, anger and other un-healthy emotions are going to hold you back from moving on. It's sad, but there are MILLIONS of people who've had the misfortune of running into people like this guy. Hell, I have and know many others as well. It just goes with the territory when dating people. We just have to do a better job of identifying the red flags and running when we see them. Yes. Everyone keeps saying it happens all the time and that I should move on and forget about him. Honestly, I don't care what happens to him. It's what he did that makes me sick. I worked very hard to make the relationship work and to make him happy. At least for that he owed me some respect and a bit of consideration. I guess I have to accept that people will not always treat you well, even if you are kind to them. I expected everyone to disappoint me, just not him. My mistake. I am glad I found out everything though. He can't use me anymore. Edited August 5, 2015 by YellowPetal spelling 1
Author YellowPetal Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 Yes you were but the good news is YOU'VE learned from it. Your best revenge from this person is to VANISH from his life, never to be heard from again. Harboring excess revenge thoughts, anger and other un-healthy emotions are going to hold you back from moving on. It's sad, but there are MILLIONS of people who've had the misfortune of running into people like this guy. Hell, I have and know many others as well. It just goes with the territory when dating people. We just have to do a better job of identifying the red flags and running when we see them. We talked two months ago, and since then he texted me three times, and I never replied. I was pretty blind, I confess. I really cared for him, and I thought he was one of the good guys. I told him from the beginning how much I hated lies and cheating. He told me I shouldn't feel unsure about our relationship and that he'll take care of me. Stupid me.
aloneinaz Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 We talked two months ago, and since then he texted me three times, and I never replied. I was pretty blind, I confess. I really cared for him, and I thought he was one of the good guys. I told him from the beginning how much I hated lies and cheating. He told me I shouldn't feel unsure about our relationship and that he'll take care of me. Stupid me. I'm sure most of us here (including me) have chosen to be blind in a relationship. We f-up and let our hearts override or ignore the obvious red flags that our rational brains are screaming at us. Trust me, I've been around a long time. I've seen people do lousy things to people and it always seems to catch up to them and bite them in the AZZ. Speaking of blind, my last ex was a horrible GF after the honeymoon phase. I won't run her down but will say toxic isn't strong enough. She dumped me over me telling her I was tiring of her attitude and treatment. It still f'ing hurt bad though I should of dumped her a long time ago. I was still in love with the "nice" version of her from the honeymoon stage. For the first couple of months, I felt like there's no justice in this world. What did I do to have had to run into this crazy woman? Well, I vanished from her life and met my now GF a few months later. Guess what? Karma did kick in. The crazy ex reappeared 5-6 months later wanting me back with horrible dumpers remorse. Of course, she was told no. She didn't give up and I know she was suffering badly when she discovered that I moved on. She kept emailing (and I ignored her) for several months and was very upset. The capper was when my GF (who's better looking than her) and I were at the grocery store. The exes kid saw us and came over to say hi to me as we were close. The ex then saw us, got upset and went the other direction. Honestly, I felt sorry for her when we left the store because it had to suck to see us. So, yea, sometimes we get to see karma in real life, first hand. It usually works this way too. 2
lop98 Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 And you'd help her out and break the news because....? She's not your charity project. You don't care for the decisions in her life simply because you don't know her and even better, you don't owe ANYTHING to her, nor a warning, description of who her new partner is or recommendation. It's a new relationship, that means honeymoon stage, reason why he knows what he did makes no sense but he can't stop it. Having a spiteful ex show up to tell her what a scumbag he is will only make her like him more, because you'll be coming off as crazy and she'll also feel bad that he had to deal with "such a crazy person", and you'll confirm whatever he said about the relationship (trust me, not good things, no one that's jumping into a next relationship will make bad publicity for themselves!). In addition to this, you'll also lose enormous amounts of self-respect. Walking out of the mess with your head high, trust me, is hard. I've been through this... at one point the girl I had to deal with even made posts about me, something like "no more lies, love from now on", and something else about me being a liar. So many times I fantasized with the idea of contacting her, but pride was thankfully bigger than that craving, and I'm so glad for that, because time passed (over a year) and I learned their relationship was pretty much everything he did to me, except twice as bad, and she was just like him and betrayed him big time, and the great thing about this is that I never had to jump in the mud with them... it was like seeing two pigs drown in it from a clean sidewalk. 1
Author YellowPetal Posted August 7, 2015 Author Posted August 7, 2015 Honestly, I don't even care anymore. I used to think that the girl he's with now is not aware of who he really is because I had no idea either, but maybe she knew all along what he did and doesn't even care. Right now, I am only concerned about taking care of myself. I know that my ex ****ed up, and I'm sure he'll pay sooner or later for what he did to me and everybody else. Most of our friends are mutual, and 90% of them are not even talking to him anymore. Even his best friend is on my side. He's completely ostracized. I don't even feel bad. I'm glad nobody trusts him anymore! One of the good things about his lies and cheating is that I realized how many people actually care about me and it's a pretty amazing feeling. Thank you all for your advice. I really appreciate it! 5
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