Arieswoman Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 Hopeful30, Have random sex to feel better about myself? No, no, and no again. This is like putting a band-aid on a broken leg. It just doesn't work. You'll feel lousy afterwards and get yourself a reputation, not to mention an STD. If you want to feel better about yourself get involved in some confidence-building activities to raise your self-esteem. $h@gging anyone and everyone isn't the answer.
HereNorThere Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 You mean the wait? Nothing to work on at the moment... Then you have to work on finding something to work on.
Author Hopeful30 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Posted August 4, 2015 Then you have to work on finding something to work on. Not to sound defensive but I have plenty going on. Men seems to be the one thing missing lol 1
CarrieT Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 I also went through several years of singledom where abject loneliness had me searching for hook-ups just to stave away the feelings of isolation. I documented several of those encounters here several years ago. For me, there were times when I was just horny as all get-up and I didn't regret those encounters. But when I was doing it to "make myself feel better," it completely backfired and I felt really awful about myself the following morning. There was nothing to giving away sex and being deluded that it made me feel attractive, because it didn't. It made me feel used. 4
h0000 Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 You will never know how casual sex will make you feel unless you do it yourself.I sort of think the more you do it (more experienced you are) the better it will work out for you. It worked out totally fine for me personally. It didn't make me feel better about myself though, but because I don't feel bad for being single at the first place. I am sure Google can give you a full list of pros and cons on casual sex.
mystikmind2005 Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 THIS! You called it. I miss passionate sex. The only time I've experienced that is when being in a relationship. Surely people can be passionate without being in love or emotionally attached. In response to another poster, THIS is why it's hard for me. Because what most people consider casual is for some reason lacking passion. If I could have sex tomorrow with an attractive man who was passionate about it, and not just wanting to poke his thing in me (and of course knew how to seduce and not just go right for it right away) then I would be more than willing. It's never been like that though for me. Men just go right for it. Like hello! You can be passionate without emotional attachment,,, if both of you are caring and empathic people. A man has to know how to 'genuinely' take an interest in who you are as a person, know how to look in your eyes, touch your face, kiss your lips, hold you in his arms and find that connection of passion and lust.
SawtoothMars Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 'Twould appear not... "passionate CloseStyle: MLA APA Chicago adjective pas·sion·ate \ˈpa-sh(ə-)nət\ : having, showing, or expressing strong emotions or beliefs : expressing or relating to strong sexual or romantic feelings" For most people, having strong feelings/sexual passion for someone with whom they're not intimate is difficult. If it were easy for you, you'd have had "casual sex" by now. As a matter of fact "casual" and "passionate" seem to be antonyms, especially given your statements in your OP. In my experience even people who frequently engage in casual sex are not better off for it. I would describe them as emotionally broken in some way and attempting to use this as a fix. My cousin was a big manwhore for years. We recently got him into therapy and with some anti-anxiety meds... he can suddenly be faithful in a relationship. Weird. Not to sound defensive but I have plenty going on. Men seems to be the one thing missing lol If you are not attracting the kind you want, that absolutely means you have something to work on. You are attracting flies and want honey bees. Check your bait! 2
SycamoreCircle Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 I totally know where you're coming from, OP. I think it really depends on you. I'm in this middle place where I don't feel ready to be in a relationship but I'm sick of being alone. I've hooked up with random people and it has its positives and negatives. I think it rests on your expectations. I experimented a little, too(got with a guy). Ultimately, I feel the choices I made were just that---choices. I don't dwell too much on was it right or wrong, regretful or memorable. No one was hurt. As long as you're mindful of your safety and honest with yourself and the other person, anything is fair game and you shouldn't sit in judgment of yourself.
Mathematics Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 Only you can make you happy, not someone else. However, sex may give you a self esteem boost. I've always taken women to bed relatively early into saying (third or fourth date) which is early enough and have never felt like it was a mistake. I once had a one night stand and I felt terrible after so id suggest doing a bit of dating first. Get on Tinder and see what happens.
Toodaloo Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 So here's my sap story: been single and sexless for a year. Try two when you have a very high sex drive... Not easy... Not feeling too good about myself, but probably not for the reasons you think. I don't have low self-esteem and no issues with my appearance or confidence. Simply, I'm very lonely and I need the touch of a man. Again don't we all. You just have to learn to live with it. I've never had one night stands because that does nothing for me. I'm not that person. In any case, I'm considering picking out one of my male acquaintances and just have sex with him. Many tell me I need to stop waiting to feel something for someone and just open up to the idea of casual sex. Don't do it. Not sure if it would actually make me feel better or worse, but being single for this long sucks (because I love relationships and getting intimate) and I'm really, very much, so much and really really wanting to feel the touch of a man again. I feel like I'm a born again virgin. Thoughts? Join the club. I have a very high sex drive. Its driving me up the walls and a little bit crazy. Like you I crave affection. Really crave it like I am thirsty for water crave it... Even when I was in a relationship I didn't get it. So you can guess around 10 years since I have had any real affection from a romantic partner... Its a really long time... I have been offered no strings sex and I have been so so tempted but... I know that I will feel hollow and empty after. It will not do me any good. I know some people can, but as you are craving affection as well as sex. You sound like me on my low days so I would advise you to hold the reins and do not do it. For it to work you have to have no emotions or romantic feelings. You are craving those so you are in very big danger of making it into something its not and hurting yourself. You are in danger of allowing people to use you for sex and demeaning yourself. Don't do it. You end up feeling worse. Ask others how you come across. How do you project yourself. Work on the things you want to change. Get involved in activities and hobbies. Keep yourself busy. Good luck OP. Hang in there and take care of your emotional well being. I am sure it gets better. In fact I know it does. 1
guest569 Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 It could work if you're doing it for the right reasons. IF YOU Just want to fight loneliness it is not a solution. You can have sex and still feel very lonely and empty inside if you are looking for more.
SycamoreCircle Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 For it to work you have to have no emotions or romantic feelings. You are craving those so you are in very big danger of making it into something its not and hurting yourself. You are in danger of allowing people to use you for sex and demeaning yourself. Don't do it. You end up feeling worse.I've found that under agreed "casual sex" circumstances, this is not the case. I don't agree with the notion that someone is "using" someone else for sex. Can you use someone for their love? Yet people engage in loving relationships. As long as you and your partner agree that what is about to take place is just for fun, there is nothing demeaning about it.
kendahke Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 It takes a lot of self discipline to make casual sex work when you want connection and passion. You have to be able to separate getting an itch scratched from getting your soul fed. I've had the opportunity to have casual, no strings attached sex, but I know that once that fever has broken, I will not have made any advancement towards what I want. I will have spun my wheels, messed up the bed and will be alone again to start this process over. I love myself too much to put myself through that, so I wait. I exercise discipline that honors what is in my best interest over getting a momentary thrill. If you can smash and dash and take no damage to your self esteem in the aftermath, then go do it. If you can't, then learn the art of self discipline. 2
misspond Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 Casual sex works for some people and not for others. I have a middle-of-the-road sex drive I think, and for the last five years have been single and it's not bothered me other than missing the intimacy of being with another person - I like skin and kisses and sex. I had one casual encounter about 4 years ago and I didn't enjoy it because although I got the sex the kisses and the skin part didn't really mean anything..... If it's just an orgasm or what leads to orgasm/no orgasm without enjoying the kisses and skin part then go for it. And to be fair you won't know until you try. You never know, you might enjoy it? Just make sure you're protected (emotionally and physically)
SycamoreCircle Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 If you can smash and dash and take no damage to your self esteem in the aftermath, then go do it. If you can't, then learn the art of self discipline.But we take blows to our self-esteem from serious relationships, as well. What if our nature inclines us to look for loving, caring partners? Wouldn't self-discipline be practicing sexual freedom?
LoveRefreshed Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 I'd have random sex with you to feel better about myself. I think our society has placed too much taboo on our sexuality. Don't see it as random sex, see it as experimentation, getting some physical needs met, a way to learn about yourself for later lovers. Don't worry about numbers and what is socially acceptable. Now if it's not just these pressures, i.e. you're emotionally vulnerable and will easily get hurt, then don't do it. 3
Lois_Griffin Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 Most of my female friends talk a big game about casual sex, but usually end up places like this next day posting about how they're filled with regret. There's nothing morally wrong with it and it may be be great in the moment, but I doubt you'll get the relief you're looking for. Chances are, the next day will look something like this - https://40.media.tumblr.com/6fc9834eabf515933d4729beee080d89/tumblr_inline_nqrsnosHxv1twzlvq_540.png Bahahahahahaaaa!!!!!
misspond Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 Most of my female friends talk a big game about casual sex, but usually end up places like this next day posting about how they're filled with regret. There's nothing morally wrong with it and it may be be great in the moment, but I doubt you'll get the relief you're looking for. Chances are, the next day will look something like this - https://40.media.tumblr.com/6fc9834eabf515933d4729beee080d89/tumblr_inline_nqrsnosHxv1twzlvq_540.png That made me properly laugh.
Toodaloo Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 Each and every person is different. My point is that some can handle it and some can't. Hopeful (OP) sounds like the type of person who would only feel worse after... So no. I am not going to advocate that she does this. In the same way I would not advocate that a person jump naked into a fire... 2
misspond Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 (edited) Each and every person is different. My point is that some can handle it and some can't. Hopeful (OP) sounds like the type of person who would only feel worse after... So no. I am not going to advocate that she does this. In the same way I would not advocate that a person jump naked into a fire... The thing is, you don't know unless you try. But ultimately (for me anyway) having random sex in order to scratch an itch never really worked. For some women/men it might work. To be honest if the OP tries it and comes back here to try and work out why it didn't work, or to say, "Wow! that was awesome, I'm doing that again!" then all good to her. But from the overflow of people who post here wondering what went wrong it might be good to stick to the rabbit (or to buy one if that hasn't happened yet). Edited August 4, 2015 by misspond
Toodaloo Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 The thing is, you don't know unless you try. But ultimately (for me anyway) having random sex in order to scratch an itch never really worked. For some women/men it might work. To be honest if the OP tries it and comes back here to try and work out why it didn't work, or to say, "Wow! that was awesome, I'm doing that again!" then all good to her. But from the overflow of people who post here wondering what went wrong it might be good to stick to the rabbit (or to buy one if that hasn't happened yet). She has admitted that she isn't comfortable with the idea and also that she would only be doing it because she feels lonely... aka really crappy reasons to get a FB... Please tell me how this would end well? Really REALLY crappy reasons. 2
hudson701 Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 Not to sound defensive but I have plenty going on. Men seems to be the one thing missing lol You need to actively go out there and approach men, and face The possibility of rejection. Scary thought isn't it? But something we men have to do every weekend of you want to find a great connection. Basically you're sitting around waiting for that special person to come knocking. It may or may not happen. How about getting out of your comfort zone and looking for it yourself?
HereNorThere Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 You need to actively go out there and approach men, and face The possibility of rejection. Scary thought isn't it? But something we men have to do every weekend of you want to find a great connection. Basically you're sitting around waiting for that special person to come knocking. It may or may not happen. How about getting out of your comfort zone and looking for it yourself? Why would she need to waste her time doing that when she could spend 10 minutes setting up a match.com profile and have 500 prospective guys at her finger tips. Admittedly, this is not the same for men, but women have it easy when it comes to this.
RoseHeart Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 I've had casual sex before in a attempt to help with loneliness. Didn't work. I felt worse afterwards.
hudson701 Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 Why would she need to waste her time doing that when she could spend 10 minutes setting up a match.com profile and have 500 prospective guys at her finger tips. Admittedly, this is not the same for men, but women have it easy when it comes to this. I agree. In that case then she should be leveraging her power as an attractive female and taking advantage of all the messages she will receive through OLD (and yes this is something men will never experience). The laws of probability will ensure there is bound to be someone suitable in there, no harm in trying!
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