Am I a doormat?? plz help

[Helliouse]

Hello all, I have just stumbled upon this form, very interesting...and very informative. Which has leaded me to want to ask some questions.

I have been seeing a girl for about a year, when I first met her she said she needed time to figure out some stuff. The "Stuff" was about her ex, in the mean time I hung out with her, and we had fun together, movies, dinner etc. The funny thing is from the start she would ask me to sleep with her, nothing sexual, just to sleep in her bed with her. I being totally new to...well anything, figured Ok, don't see too much of a problem, I also viewed this as she liked me. As from my upbringing, and my own thoughts, you just don't let anyone sleep with you.

 

So this goes on for a few months...I ask what is going on, give me some sign as to what I meant to her. She again asked for more time. I again do...Finally at some point she makes her choice. But, during the summer her boyfriend would drive through town to get to his military base. He would ask to stay over, she would let him, and then they would get some booze and have a few. I being very stupid didn't say anything. But it hurt, and i thought let her do this and she will know you trust her.

 

Then one day we go to her parents place, we get there, and she get a call. It is the ex, he wants to stop by, she again, says yes. By this time his staying over at her house has happened a few times, and I keep thinking to my self it show trust. So the night goes fairly well, he talks everyone’s ear off. Then it comes to bed time, and we go upstairs, she shows me her brothers room, where I am to sleep, the ex stay down stairs. She then heads back down for water, and never comes back up. I was not that comfortable staying at her house, so I didn't go to sleep right away, or get ready for that matter. Then i hear talking from down stairs, so I choose to sit and listen I could not hear anything, just the odd word. So finally after this goes on for like an hour, I move to see if I can hear better. I will not go in to details here, but they are talking about what went wrong, and that he still loves her, try where crying, etc. I am devastated by this. I want to leave right then and there, but that means walking by them, and I did not want to do that, so I sat up there and listened to it until it hurt so much I just grabbed a pillow and tried to fall asleep on the floor. And yet I stayed...

 

This keeps happening, we where at a 4 day concert, Stage 13. And it was her birth day, and guess who phones and she goes running to see...right the ex. So I, in an attempt to make her see how much this is hurting me, leave, I walk away, and stay away until he is gone. When "I" came back to the camper, she was with her friend (guy), she invited down, crying, sitting with their arms around each other. (F#ck I am stupid). She gets up quick as comes to the door, to see if I am ok. Of course I am not... Yet again I stayed...

 

So eventually I told her that all this was hurting me, she says, she is sorry and wishes I would have said some thing so she could have done something to fix it. We talk about this for quite a while, everything seems to get worked out. My parents by this time...really don't think much of her. Can't blame them. I told her that her friends/anyone else seemed to be more important to her then I did. She says that how can she not let him stay over, he is a good friend, they have known each other for so long. I told her, how would you like it if my ex stayed over with me. She said that she would trust me enough. I was no longer about trust it is the principle. But thinks seem better.

 

Now a long time ago, one of my sister’s friends was over with her man, at our parents cabin, along with my whole family. During one of the nights she says don't touch me. he was just trying to holder in the bed. She had said it other times during the day too. But I promised my self that if a girl ever did that I would leave. So just a little while ago, I was leaving her place, and I was hugging her and trying to kiss her, when she pushed me away. She had said she was tired, so was I, and that she needed to go to bed. Which is fine, but I am just hugging you and giving you a kiss, before I go... Thinking back this is not the first time, but my head has been so far up my a$$ I never took not of it. Then again, just a few days ago I was stuck out of town and a movie came out that I have really really wanted to see. She text msged me and said that she was going to a movie, I phoned and told her I could not make it. She told me that they where going to see the one I wanted to see, I asked if she would go to another one, cause I really wanted to see it with her. The guy friend she was going with had picked it and he really wanted to see it. Now to me this seemed like again her friends seemed more important to her then I did. I would go to a different movie if I was going to one with out her and she wanted me to not see it with out her. I have before. I have chosen to not go to dinner with family and hang out with her, not go to a friend’s house, not to go camping with my sister, to be with her. Yet she will not do that for me. I don't think I am being selfish here. But I know if I said this to her, she would think so, or that I was being mean, and that she could not be that way to a friend. We have had this discussion before, and she was crying, saying but my friends mean so much to me. I would rather sleep in a snow bank then not let him stay over.

 

I have skipped some of the other things that have happened. And I have not skipped anything that I have done. As there have only been one time I was not nice to her. She phoned and wanted to see me. I was rather pissed off at something, don't remember, with my sister and her boyfriend out for supper, I said yes, though i didn't want to see her, so I pretty much ignored her.

 

Now as I write this, thinking on all the s*** she has put me through I realize that I am one dumb guy. How could I have let her walk all over me...I think I have answered my own question. But I will ask you guys anyway.

Should I dump her? Have I been unfair? Has she? Would any other guy put up with this? What are your guy’s general opinions, if you need to questions, or get clarification ask...

[Marshbear]

Then it comes to bed time, and we go upstairs, she shows me her brothers room, where I am to sleep, the ex stay down stairs. She then heads back down for water, and never comes back up.

 

What part of this don't you understand? Should you dump her? Hey, Helliouse you never had her. Are you a door mat? Yes. Would any other guy put up with this? some probably would but for how long? Leave her. She is trying to be with her ex and you are the third wheel. Three is a crowd...

[BigB]

Your her B game, the backup guy.

 

Tell her that unless she's going to stop seeing the ex and commit to a relationship with you that your out the door. It's ok if she wants to spend time with her friends, but it can't always be a priority over spending time with a boyfriend.

 

She's not putting any effort into the relationship, and you need to let her know that it's not ok.

 

Don't contact her after that, it's not worth the pain to spend time with her. It'll hurt at first, but in the long run you'll be better off.

 

read these.

 

No contact guides:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t54435/

 

By not contacting her, you take charge over your own love life, it gives her time to miss you, and decide for herself if your who she wants to be with, and if the decides that your the one she wants, it'll be your decision weather or not to take her back.

[Helliouse]

Thank-you, though most of this i know deep down it is still alittle hard. She has treated me very badly.

Thanks again for you comments. I am soon to end the realation ship, letting her know that I can't stand for it.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

She is not even sort of over the ex and has not made a commitment to be done with him, AND the ex still wants to play with her. Until both of those things (or at least one) changes, you will never be her number one. She is being very unfair to you. That whole time she wouldn't "sleep" with you, but wanted you to sleep in her bed, she was being loyal to her ex by not having sex with you, in hopes he would come back, while filling her need to not be alone. She as good as told you that. Now that things are somewhat better (I assume she is willing to at least be intimate with you at this point from time to time when she isn't pushing your kisses away because she is thinking of the ex), she still throws you aside whenever the almighty ex shows up (the guy she really wants to talk to and be with).

 

I think it is time to tell her that you really don't want to be her backup plan, and that it is time for you to move on. Tell her you wish her the best, and that if it is really what she wants, that you even hope she gets back with the ex someday because you want her to be happy. Be classy about it, but be firm. If she asks you to reconsider, and for another chance, tell her that you can do that if she is willing to do no contact with the ex who dumped her and who she isn't really over so that your relationship can have a real chance. Tell her that as she already knows, if feelings are still there, you cannot be "just friends" with an ex while trying to work on another relationship, and that it isn't fair to you or her to play at doing that, when the feelings for her ex are still there AND he is still a regular part of her life. Tell her that you want to be her priority relationship wise, and if that is not something she can do, that you cannot be the third wheel any longer. If she can't do the no contact (or at least very minimal contact, and no sleepovers etc. - and she will not be willing to do that), then I think you need to move on.

[Helliouse]

She has not really talked to the ex. As far as I know, it has only been online. But...she does not tell me if she does or does not talk to him. Bothers me a little. And as far as I know, I believe when she goes down to visit her friends, a group of them including him, that she see him then. I think it is terribly apparent what I have to do. Though it is hard, as you say, it may hurt now but in the long run it is for the better.

[teck21]

Helliouse,

 

Hi, this sounds really tough on you and I do feel bad for you. As for the girl, I do not know anythig about her so I cannot judge. Perhaps she doesn't know what she wants.

 

The only that is absolutely certain though is that the nature of your relationship with her is hurting you very much, and it looks like it might get much worse if you let it go on. You will ruin yourself/you-and-her.

 

Maybe you need to talk to her, or maybe you don't (perhaps she needs to think it all out by herself), but what you really must do, as the other posters have said, and which you seem resolved to do, is say goodbye to her. For even if you work things out for now, the issue of her ex will also eat at you, and that's not good at all. I know, alot of people do. Something like this is not easy to get over at all, if ever, simply because of the resentment and pent up anger that will build because release is not easy to find.

 

Let her sort herself out, for you can't do it for her.

 

Stay away. Do what you have to do. Which right now is pretty much anything but her. Get ready for Batman or Episode III or something since you sound like someone who realy likes the movies.

 

teck

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Helliouse

She has not really talked to the ex. As far as I know, it has only been online. But...she does not tell me if she does or does not talk to him. Bothers me a little. And as far as I know, I believe when she goes down to visit her friends, a group of them including him, that she see him then. I think it is terribly apparent what I have to do. Though it is hard, as you say, it may hurt now but in the long run it is for the better.

 

Being a doormat is an incidation of a severe lack of self confidence. I know, I've been there.

 

But no longer.

 

You have to love and respect yourself before anyone else will. I know it's hard to pull yourself up by your boot straps and move on. I'm 36 and I keep wondering where Ms. Right is. Thought I found her but in the end I think I forced myself into seeing someone was Ms. Right, that really wasn't.

 

But in the end, no one respects someone who doesn't respect themselves. Think of all the cool guys you know that have women oogling over them. The guys women are always talking about. The guys you know that everyone wants to be friends with. It's not just their looks. It's their self confidence. They love themselves (in a positive way) and reflect that. They're always smiling, cracking jokes, paying compliments when they are justified, saying only positive things and rarely ever criticize.

 

Those are the kinds of people that other people want to be around. Women and men. If you want this girl to respect you, then respect yourself first. Be a man and walk away from her....and MEAN it.

 

If you can't pull yourself up by your own bootstraps, nobody else will.

[AhSolution]

it's time for you to move on. You don't need to say anything to her. I'm sure she will get your message AFTER you don't see her.

[Abyss 404]

As the wife and I said all along Hell, drop kick her sorry rear.