I'm through with love!

[sylviaguardian]

I have been on this site for a long time, trying to work through my problems and the way I feel about my husband's A. I have also been for IC, read books etc. Nothing has helped. I can't forgive him. I have come to the conclusion that a three-year affair behind my back, plus almost a year of lying about it is not really forgiveable. I am starting to believe in my heart that the REAL reason for him doing all of this is that he didn't really love me.

 

I am sick of trying to reconcile with a person who thinks that it is enough to hang around and wait for it all 'to blow over'. I have asked him to read stuff, to get counselling, to write me an apology, to quit his job (he works beside the OW) and so far he has done none of it. According to him he's done enough by: a) sticking around b) saying he wants to be with me c) putting up with the arguments d) not going for promotion at his work (where he would work with her all the time).

 

I guess some things are worth fighting for and some are just another way of putting yourself down. Well, I quit now. I no longer want to be around someone who makes me feel crap. I am through with love now. My last boyfriend was a cheater too and my husband and I had discussed how much it hurt me. Guess he thought 'well, if he can get away with it, then I can too'! Never in my life has anyone me so much. I will never let this happen to me ever again.

 

I just want him to leave now so I can get on with my life (even that seems to be too much trouble). I will never trust another man as long as I live.

 

Sylvia

[SadAndLonely]

Originally posted by sylviaguardian

I will never trust another man as long as I live.

 

Whoa! I totally understand how you feel (well, not totally, but I can imagine, as I've been cheated on by an ex), but that's a strong statement. Unless you plan on honestly becoming a nun, don't punish the good men out there by saying that. Because going into a relationship without trust is likely to kill it off quick. I understand you're hurting, and you have a right to be, but how about if we start with, "I don't want to date a man for a long while until I get my **** together and become stronger"?

 

I wish you all the best. This has got to be insanely hard.

[amy1975]

Move out. If it is this bad, why haven't you left yet?

 

I mean, do even respect him?

[Marshbear]

I know you are in pain now and you have ever right to be seething,spitting mad at your H. I think you are probably doing the right thing in ending it because he doesn't seem like he has much remorse, just mad he got caught. I would dump him.

 

I hope your opinion of men changes over time because we are not all the same. Not all men are cheaters. Some really love their g/f's and W. Take some time to get in touch with your emotions but as much as you think this what you want, I believe the reality of life, alone, will not sit well with you in the long run.

 

I wish you well

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by amy1975

Move out. If it is this bad, why haven't you left yet?

 

I mean, do even respect him?

 

Amy, I wish it were that easy. I don't know about Sylivia but I know how hard it is to get out. I know, maybe I am weak, and I refuse to leave, I left the first time and I refuse to leave the home I love and let him have it, plus MY name is on the lease, not his).

 

Sylvia, I can totally understand where you are coming from b/c I feel the exact same way. I know I couldn't handle it if H still worked w/ the OW either. The OW got H fired shortly after he broke it off w/ her. IMO they both should of been fired, him for sleeping w/ his employee, and her for sleeping w/ her supervisor. Anyhow, it sounds to me like your H thinks he is done prooving himself to you that what he did was wrong and you should just get over it. My H is the same way. You can't just get over an A. I don't think anyone can just get over it. I try not to talk to him about it anymore b/c my counselor told me not to, but there are times where I need to talk about it. Two years later and I am still trying to figure out why he did it. I know why, I guess I just don't understand why he couldn't talk to me about it, or get MC. I wish he would of even told me he was unhappy and was thinking about having an A to fill his "needs."

 

Have you two tried MC? Has he tried IC? I know that H and I need to go to MC b/c our M is still not where it needs to be. It's better than what it was, but I am still not very happy. H was/is controlling. I will NOT allow him to control me any longer and he hates it. If I don't hear the cell phone ring when he is calling I call him back and he gets pissy w/ me "Why didn't you answer your phone?! Why do you even have one if you aren't going to answer it?" I swear I can't even go to the bathroom w/o thinking I need to take the damn phone w/ me in case he calls! I am tired of it. Sorry, I am taking over your post.

 

I just want you to know I understand how you feel. If my M doesn't work out either I give up on men. My last BF cheated on me also and my H knew how much it hurt me and then he turns around and has an A w/ the OW. They will never understand the pain, and hurt we went through, and still are going through. I honestly can say, I don't see myself M to H very much longer. I love him but I am getting tired of being treated like a child. When H and I were first dating we spent Thanksgiving w/ my family. My sister reminding me of what H said to me. I had some corn left on my plate and was too full to eat it so H said "Finish your corn J." WTF!!! I totally forgot about that until she reminded me (she was trying to help me and trying to talk me out of getting back w/ him). Here I was a 22 woman and he was telling me to eat the rest of my corn!!! Why did I put up w/ that? I wont do it anymore. If he says/does anything that I feel is disrespectful I call him on it. I wont do this anymore. And if he thinks I am going to jump when he says jump, he is mistaken. I refuse to be treated this way and if standing up for myself pisses him off and he wants to go have an A again, let him, b/c I wont take his cheating a$$ back. No, I don't want him to have an A, but I can honestly say, it wont bother me as much as it did the first time. He promised he would change if I took him back, he hasn't. Sure, he does more for me than b4 (buys me roses for bday's, MD's, anniversary, Vday) but buying me things isn't going to make up for his control freak issues.

 

Syl, if you really want your M to work I suggest counseling, even if it's IC for himself. We can't afford MC or IC anymore b/c H makes a lot less money than he did b4 and we just can't do it. I hope things get better for you. Whatever you decide what to do, stay or leave, I wish you happiness.

[MiChick43]

Sylvia,

I can really understand where you are coming from. I dated a man for 5 years that had a one year affair with someone who he called his fiance, to coworkers , family and friends I never knew. After that I dated someone that is a public figure that went on to cheat with his ex and with another woman. I went two years without dating after all this. Just took the time I needed to heal and work on me. Then I met the man Im with. He is so wonderful. It took along time to trust him, but I do.

Please dont give up on good men, they are still out there. Just take some time to get over all this.

 

hugs, MiChick

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Sylvia,

 

Your soon-to-be-ex-H and your ex-BF were both jerks it sounds like, and truly not worthy of your trust, but not all men are like that. I think you are doing the right thing getting a divorce, and I can really understand how you feel about men right now (I went through that once a long time ago, only it was me feeling that way about women in general).

 

I'm a man, and I have been cheated on by women (more than one) in the past, and I know that some are not worth a damn (just as some men are not), but I also know that others are truly decent people, who try to do the right thing, are generally honest, and have many good qualities. Even after all that has happened to me over the past few years, I still found a way to not lose my faith in women in general (some of my female just-friends who are wonderful people have helped a lot with that, actually). So you don't give up either! There is someone out there for you.

 

Walk the road alone for a while (that's what I am doing), and eventually, it will just happen. Love is still a wonderful thing, even if it can also be a terrible thing, and I still think life is better with it, than without it.

[veronese]

Hi Syl,

 

Hope you are ok. No matter how much we want something, sometimes the truth is we're not going to get it.

 

Like you, I seriously doubt I will ever trust another man too. I take on board that time is a great healer but I can't imagine having the confidence and security to believe it again. When friends made discoveries about their men and went through divorces we did talk together about the how shocking/difficult/despicable some of the revelations were, about the devastation and pain affairs had caused on our friends and their families. I even once said that if he turned out to be a lying bast*** the surprise and horror of being married to someone I didn't really know would destroy my faith in the whole of the human race - doh! Well I've been getting it wrong for 17 years so can't exactly rely on my own judgment about people in the future, I'm obviously bloody crap at it!

 

When affairs are discovered in marriages the efforts to repair the damage and the root cause of the problem are exhausting and draining. Once the dust settles somewhat you are left with every day life, the routine and monotony, the stresses and demands. After the madness of the drama calms it's not how you feel about what he/she has done in the past, but more about how they are day to day, how fulfilling life together really is, whether indeed the worry is not only about what or who they want, but more importantly whether you are satisfied and contented to stay with them.

 

I guess it all comes down to identifying the problem that must exist in the marriage for it to have happened in the first, and then with time, resolve and deal with it/them. Well I still don't have the answer to that question and my H doesn't appear to be bothered about it. My concern has always been "but what's to stop it happening again when we don't really know why it happened in the first place?" It's harder still when the life we had before had been predominantly happy, loving and secure - being deceived by the person you love most in the world sure does rock your faith and confidence. It's a sanity check, a big one!

 

Big hugs Syl, let us know how things are going.

 

Veron

[sylviaguardian]

Thanks for all your posts. I was in a seriously bad mood when I posted that one but the gloom has lifted a little. I know not all men are pigs, it just seems to be the ones I pick (LOL)!I am feeling much more positive today. As for just leaving or throwing in the towel, I can see why many people say that. BUt WWIU is right - it's not that easy to give up on something that seemed so good for a long time. A lot of what Veronese said made sense:

 

Originally posted by veronese

 

When affairs are discovered in marriages the efforts to repair the damage and the root cause of the problem are exhausting and draining. Once the dust settles somewhat you are left with every day life, the routine and monotony, the stresses and demands. After the madness of the drama calms it's not how you feel about what he/she has done in the past, but more about how they are day to day, how fulfilling life together really is, whether indeed the worry is not only about what or who they want, but more importantly whether you are satisfied and contented to stay with them.

 

I guess it all comes down to identifying the problem that must exist in the marriage for it to have happened in the first, and then with time, resolve and deal with it/them. Well I still don't have the answer to that question and my H doesn't appear to be bothered about it. My concern has always been "but what's to stop it happening again when we don't really know why it happened in the first place?"

 

On a day to day basis (when we are not talking about IT) we are really compatible and happy. I think by going to IC, I have started to see some of the reasons for it happening in the first place and I can see that I had lost sight of my H and hadn't noticed that he was really unhappy. This is not the whole story, ofcourse, it also has to do with his idea of relationships, my idea of relationships etc. It helps though to know that he didn't do it just because he is a complete and utter pig! I can actually believe him now when he says that he wasn't unhappy with us. I can see that although, we weren't communicating very well, that he was mainly unhappy with himself. The OW had some of the characteristics that he would have liked to have had in himself.

 

I think that we will go to MC counselling soon and this time I think we are at a stage where we both can accept that we need to work on the marriage. Before, I was so angry about the A that I the thought of 'working at the marriage' just didn't appeal to me very much. Pushing off the nearest high building seemed a much better solution! But incredibly I am starting to feel some sympathy for him. Not for having the A of course, and it doesn't justify it at all, but I am starting to see how unhappy he was before it.

 

Anyway, just an update after such a negative post! This is my life at the moment - 4 happy days, followed by 3 days of wanting to be as far away from him as possible.

 

Sylvia

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Well, congrats on your new state of mind. I hope it all works out for you.

 

If what you said is true, however, I am very concerned if those things you told us about have not changed. That part of what you said to which I refer is this:

 

I am sick of trying to reconcile with a person who thinks that it is enough to hang around and wait for it all 'to blow over'. I have asked him to read stuff, to get counselling, to write me an apology, to quit his job (he works beside the OW) and so far he has done none of it.

 

If he will go to counselling (that's mutual counselling), talk about your issues with you in a real way without taking a "can't you just forget about it already" attitude, and the REALLY REALLY important part, get in a position (whether that involves quitting his job or not) where he has ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT - THAT IS NO CONTACT, (I don't mean "reduced contact", or "not regular contact"), but ABSOLUTE NO CONTACT with the other woman AT ALL in any way, then I can understand you wanting to work it out.

 

If he won't do that though (including the no contact, WHATEVER it takes to accomplish that - he can find another job, or at least start REALLY looking for one and not just playing at it), then you are both wasting each other's time, and you are kidding yourself because after three years plus a year lying about it, it is clear that she probably has some power over him AND he is a very accomplished liar (to you). He must be able to make that sort of committment to you and your marriage for you to have a snowball's chance in hell of making it good again. If he says "that just isn't fair" to ask him to quit his job to get away from the woman he was sleeping with for three years behind your back, then he should have thought about that before choosing work as the venue in which to screw around on his wife. Sometimes when we make our bed, we get to sleep in it, and your H is no exception. The no contact is crucial to fixing your relationship. Oh, and I have news for you, if his job (and/or his continued periodic contact with the OW, whichever you want to believe it is) is more important to him than you are, you don't need to be married to that particular man anyway. Now if no contact with the OW does require him quitting, I'm not saying divorce him if he won't quit in the next 48 hours if that is going to cause you to miss a mortgage payment or something, but if I were you, I would make sure he was looking for a new job, and for real, not just playing at it. The minute you get the idea he is not being real about everything he tells you and says he is doing, you get that divorce you were so sure you wanted yesterday.

 

Hope everything works out, and best of luck to both of you.