BluEyeL Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 OP, your mistake is accepting the terms and conditions before moving in. You shouldn't have accepted to go in an pay rent if you couldn't afford that. Next time, make sure you stand your ground regarding your interests. and also, if you marry this man and live in a city, I don't think is too reasonable to expect to keep horses. Eventually, if the marriage lasts, I can imagine you're going to have to let them go.
Lois_Griffin Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 You choose to have horses, therefore you choose to accept the financial responsibility for them. You got a divorce and accumulated debt from it. These are the results of your choices, not his. He is under no obligation to help you with YOUR debts. I make good money and have a great career. My GF finished school and is still looking for employment. She's struggling, and I'm not. I take her out and pay for her, but I accept no responsibility for her financial well being. She is a grown woman with two hands, two feet, and a brain. If you want a better financial life, what are YOU doing to make it better? I've been divorced also. It is for that reason why I will always keep my finances separate and will never marry again. My money is my money. I earned it. Nobody else has any right to it...not even my GF. This man doesn't owe you anything. If you want something, YOU work for it. The OP has probably stated, at LEAST 5 times, that HER debt is HER debt. Never ONCE did she claim this guy 'owes' her a damned thing or that she wants him to pay off HER debt. Are we reading different threads here? I do find it odd that he's pushing marriage but I think it's highly unfair that he just expects you to give up the horses you love and had LONG before you met him. He's extremely selfish. No wonder you want to move back to where you were. 2
readynow Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 No. Just no. Moving in together MUST be cheaper for both parties except of course one earns that much not to notice or they want to help. I usually dislike when the advise is 'talk to him...' but here, you need to tell him you're struggling financially as a result of living with him. You don't sound like a scrounger, so let him know what you're telling us now. You may need to move out till you can afford HIS lavish lifestyle. The mistake you made was agreeing with this arrangement in the first place. I'm not saying he should take on her debt or horses. This is HIS debt she's taking on. The amount you're paying in rent could be going towards a little place of your own. A man that doesn't consider your issues now will never do so even in marriage. Trust me, I've been there. He bought a house, asks you to move in and wants you to pay him rent. Rubbish. 3
autumnnight Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 OP, I am not really sure what is best. I just know I never plan to be with a man who is more worried about the math than the relationship. 3
BluEyeL Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 My personal experience . When I was married I made about twice my ex-husband's income. When we bought the house he insisted he's not on the title. Strange for a married man but he probably knew he wasn't planning to be around on the long term . We had separate finances because that's how he wanted. I paid 100% of the mortgage and he paid half of the utilities. I also paid for the groceries. So for the men who say that women blah blah... These days more and more women are the higher earner and in the future is going to be more so. If one is on the mortgage I think it's fair the other one doesn't contribute to it. If it's rent that it's split imp should be made according to income percentage as Suzy orman recommends .
toolforgrowth Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 The OP has probably stated, at LEAST 5 times, that HER debt is HER debt. Never ONCE did she claim this guy 'owes' her a damned thing or that she wants him to pay off HER debt. Are we reading different threads here? I do find it odd that he's pushing marriage but I think it's highly unfair that he just expects you to give up the horses you love and had LONG before you met him. He's extremely selfish. No wonder you want to move back to where you were. I think it's prudent. He's asking her to pull equal weight of the household finances. If that means giving up her horses, so be it. She still has the freedom to say "no, thank you" and walk away from the relationship and keep her horses. It all bears down to what is more important to her.
Author jaymoq Posted August 6, 2015 Author Posted August 6, 2015 Thanks for all the replies. I realize this is more of a personal preference, case-by-base basis. I was just curious how everyone else has sorted things out. I have tried to talk to him a few times and he basically wrings his hands, avoids eye contact, and gets very uncomfortable. Ironically, when he went through his first divorce he had the EXACT same thing happen; his ex left him with serious debt. Except, instead of pay off his debt, he let it default and basically filed bankruptcy and then lived with tarnished credit for several years. So, its not like he has no clue what I am going through. And I am actually making payments and have a good credit standing. I am just in a predicament where my monthly bills to income ratio is making me uncomfortable. Its not that I can't afford my lifestyle, but I am definitely worse off. I realize that it was probably irresponsible of me to move in with him. But, love sometimes can be really irresponsible. At the time, I suppose I was too starry eyed and eager to have such a supportive partner, we didn't flesh everything out. He just told me he wanted me with him, and I came. Again, my fault -- I should have been more calculated. I should have been more cautious. And, now I am in my current situation as a result. I fear that I already know the end game here and it is for me to move on. That makes me very sad. But, I also can't see how separate incomes long term would work for a family. He has built his 'empire' per se of excellent credit and ROTHS and IRAs and all sorts of financial planning now that his credit is rebuilt and my being 9 years younger won't ever 'catch up' to him. When I am his age, I will likely be debt free again and making a very healthy income. But, he will still be 9 years ahead. He'll be readying for retirement and planning and I will be working for a decade more at least. We've talked about selling his home and moving to a country house but he admits that is very far off. I guess I just thought I could be happy living in a city, paying for a house I would never have lived in, and he would make it worth it. But, that just isn't the case. It isn't his fault, it is mine. I thought I could look past it, but I can't. I just am not happy where I am. And, he is. Very happy. It isn't a matter of love, its a matter of circumstances. In another place, another time maybe it'd work. But, this just seems like the odds are stacked too far against us. It sucks I got rid of all my things to move in with him. My fridge, my washer/dryer, my bed, etc. But I knew the risk. I told myself I would rather risk it for love than to live alone. Looking back now, I wouldn't recognize that optimist. Thanks for all the input. 1
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