in_patient Posted August 3, 2015 Posted August 3, 2015 My girlfriend of four months has broken up with me. We had a lot of issues in our relationship - a lot of insecurity, trust issues, arguments. Things like that. However we did love each other and spent a lot of time together, and when things were 'good' they were very good. Anyway - I realise that the relationship may have not been the greatest but I know I am going to really struggle with the break up. I am already freaking out about having to 'No Contact' and not being able to call her or see her. I'm worried that I'll start trying to get her back and I can't stand the feeling of being rejected time and time again. I've deleted her number and she doesn't have any social media accounts so I can't check up on her anywhere. I'm actually crying as I write this because I struggle so much with break ups; I don't know how to deal with them. I do want her back but I know I can't do anything and it's driving me crazy already. I do love her and don't want to lose her - we've broken up a few times before and just got back together within the hour but this time feels more real, more serious. I'm terrified of being alone and having to go through ANOTHER break up. I'm so scared and I need help.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 3, 2015 Posted August 3, 2015 My girlfriend of four months has broken up with me. We had a lot of issues in our relationship - a lot of insecurity, trust issues, arguments. Things like that. However we did love each other and spent a lot of time together, and when things were 'good' they were very good. Anyway - I realise that the relationship may have not been the greatest but I know I am going to really struggle with the break up. I am already freaking out about having to 'No Contact' and not being able to call her or see her. I'm worried that I'll start trying to get her back and I can't stand the feeling of being rejected time and time again. I've deleted her number and she doesn't have any social media accounts so I can't check up on her anywhere. I'm actually crying as I write this because I struggle so much with break ups; I don't know how to deal with them. I do want her back but I know I can't do anything and it's driving me crazy already. I do love her and don't want to lose her - we've broken up a few times before and just got back together within the hour but this time feels more real, more serious. I'm terrified of being alone and having to go through ANOTHER break up. I'm so scared and I need help. Such a young relationship shouldn't have been plagued with so many problems already. This all indicates you are not compatible. What was the cause of this and the previous break-ups? It all sounds dramatic and exhausting. I think you really need to stop and ask yourself why you're so terrified of being alone. Where does the fear come from? What do you feel this break-up says about you? The messages we send ourselves are very important and help shape our reality. Why are you scared that this relationship is ending? Do you tend to get attached too quickly?
Qboro90 Posted August 3, 2015 Posted August 3, 2015 Your fear of being alone seems bigger than your fear of being without her specifically. I think you seriously need to learn how to be happy by yourself before you date anyone else or get back with your ex. People who need to be in a relationship or rely on another person for their happiness are going to go through life and encounter serious roller coaster rides of emotion and depression. You can't make someone else happy until you yourself knows that you'll be ok with or without them. I'm sure the girls you date can see this in you and it drives them away and lessens their attraction for you. No one wants to be their bf/gf's entire life and have their lives revolve around one another. That's unhealthy.
Author in_patient Posted August 3, 2015 Author Posted August 3, 2015 Such a young relationship shouldn't have been plagued with so many problems already. This all indicates you are not compatible. What was the cause of this and the previous break-ups? It all sounds dramatic and exhausting. I think you really need to stop and ask yourself why you're so terrified of being alone. Where does the fear come from? What do you feel this break-up says about you? The messages we send ourselves are very important and help shape our reality. Why are you scared that this relationship is ending? Do you tend to get attached too quickly? The main cause of the problems is that I got involved with someone very soon after my last relationship, which wasn't intentional. I had a lot of baggage from that relationship and my now ex wanted ALL of me, I just wasn't ready to give that amount, that level of commitment. The problems stem from that. I wasn't very open in the relationship, and she felt that I was being dodgy - even though I wasn't really cheating or doing anything wrong. She wanted to spend a lot of time with me and I was trying to fix my life - when we spent time together we'd do nothing and my fitness was slipping, my diet was getting bad. I didn't like this and wanted to spend less time with her, she didn't like that. So, many different things. I'm scared because initially I wasn't attached to her but now I am and I can't bear the thought of going through a break up. I'm in my room and I've had a panic attack, I can't breathe or stop crying because I'm terrified of going through this. I don't do well at breakups. I either plead and beg and get rejected or I just get severely depressed and it affects my life majorly. I get obsessed with trying to get them back, or obsessed with waiting for them to contact me and I become a mess. I'm scared because I don't want to go through that all again.
Learningtowalkagain Posted August 3, 2015 Posted August 3, 2015 Such a young relationship shouldn't have been plagued with so many problems already. This all indicates you are not compatible. What was the cause of this and the previous break-ups? It all sounds dramatic and exhausting. I think you really need to stop and ask yourself why you're so terrified of being alone. Where does the fear come from? What do you feel this break-up says about you? The messages we send ourselves are very important and help shape our reality. Why are you scared that this relationship is ending? Do you tend to get attached too quickly? This in a nutshell. Analyze yourself, stop analyzing her behavior. You were sort of vague about your problems, but were the insecurity/trust/arguments/break ups on her end? You also stated when things were good they were 'very good'. This sounds semi BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). What you described briefly described my relationship with my ex although I could go on all night talking about her issues. If you yourself are insecure and are trying to hold on it's because you're a caregiver. She made you feel a certain way in the beginning of the relationship, then she started showing her true colors. You long for that beginning blissful feeling again. You tolerate her bad behavior because you are insecure and afraid to be alone. You try to play Mr. Fix it but nothing you ever do is good enough. Does that sound familiar? Do some research on BPD, if you think she meets the criteria run don't walk out of the relationship. You'll never make her happy no matter what you do. Focus on yourself and your issues and find someone who is capable of having a functional relationship. 1
Author in_patient Posted August 3, 2015 Author Posted August 3, 2015 Your fear of being alone seems bigger than your fear of being without her specifically. I think you seriously need to learn how to be happy by yourself before you date anyone else or get back with your ex. People who need to be in a relationship or rely on another person for their happiness are going to go through life and encounter serious roller coaster rides of emotion and depression. You can't make someone else happy until you yourself knows that you'll be ok with or without them. I'm sure the girls you date can see this in you and it drives them away and lessens their attraction for you. No one wants to be their bf/gf's entire life and have their lives revolve around one another. That's unhealthy. I am terrified of being alone. I become disassociated with life and become wrapped up in my own world. I start watching porn and wishing I had a partner to have sex with and get depressed about that. I can't stand being on my own, I find it the loneliest thing in the world. I'm terrified of it.
Author in_patient Posted August 3, 2015 Author Posted August 3, 2015 (edited) This in a nutshell. Analyze yourself, stop analyzing her behavior. You were sort of vague about your problems, but were the insecurity/trust/arguments/break ups on her end? You also stated when things were good they were 'very good'. This sounds semi BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). What you described briefly described my relationship with my ex although I could go on all night talking about her issues. If you yourself are insecure and are trying to hold on it's because you're a caregiver. She made you feel a certain way in the beginning of the relationship, then she started showing her true colors. You long for that beginning blissful feeling again. You tolerate her bad behavior because you are insecure and afraid to be alone. You try to play Mr. Fix it but nothing you ever do is good enough. Does that sound familiar? Do some research on BPD, if you think she meets the criteria run don't walk out of the relationship. You'll never make her happy no matter what you do. Focus on yourself and your issues and find someone who is capable of having a functional relationship. Yes. She had problems with some of my friendships, and was worried about being pushed out because of me wanting to spend time with them. Then she'd break up with me, citing not being able to trust me. I didn't do anything wrong really, I just met up with a friend once during the day and didn't tell her and she thought that was suspicious. I just didn't think it was important enough to have mentioned, that's all. She wanted most of my time and if I'd say I couldn't meet up or cancel on that day she'd sulk or there might be an argument. Say that I didn't love her anymore or something like that, but in a jokey way. Even this break up, she says it's because she's too paranoid and anxious and untrusting about me. Even though I haven't really done anything wrong. Also when she was angry it was like a different person - I often compared it to jekyll and hyde in my mind, it was very odd. And if she was annoyed with me I'd have to beg and beg to find out what was wrong and she'd just keep saying "ok" to all my messages which I found as frustrating as the silent treatment Would also never really accept blame or apologise for anything. For instance, went into my phone and would refuse to say sorry or admit that it was wrong. Or just in general not really want to apologise for anything. Never seeing that her actions caused my actions. Instead just focusing on my actions and not what caused them. I'm sure that'a a sign of BPD Edited August 3, 2015 by in_patient
quattrob Posted August 3, 2015 Posted August 3, 2015 The main cause of the problems is that I got involved with someone very soon after my last relationship, which wasn't intentional. I had a lot of baggage from that relationship and my now ex wanted ALL of me, I just wasn't ready to give that amount, that level of commitment. The problems stem from that. I wasn't very open in the relationship, and she felt that I was being dodgy - even though I wasn't really cheating or doing anything wrong. She wanted to spend a lot of time with me and I was trying to fix my life - when we spent time together we'd do nothing and my fitness was slipping, my diet was getting bad. I didn't like this and wanted to spend less time with her, she didn't like that. So, many different things. I'm scared because initially I wasn't attached to her but now I am and I can't bear the thought of going through a break up. I'm in my room and I've had a panic attack, I can't breathe or stop crying because I'm terrified of going through this. I don't do well at breakups. I either plead and beg and get rejected or I just get severely depressed and it affects my life majorly. I get obsessed with trying to get them back, or obsessed with waiting for them to contact me and I become a mess. I'm scared because I don't want to go through that all again. You are in no way ready for any kind of serious relationship when you still had so much baggage from your previous and you said it yourself, you were not ready to give the level of commitment to anyone. I'm going to be harsh with you because this is what I see based on your posts. You say you love her but I think you don't even know what love is because if you truly loved this girl, you would be able to give the your whole self to her, commitment and all. But the fact you couldn't tells me a few things, you are thinking selfishly, everything you did was based on your wants and needs. There are no good excuses and reasons for this kind of behavior. You used this girl because you were weak, you were afraid to be alone. This whole thing has always been about you, the only time you felt when things were good between you guys is when you needed sex and for her to give you the attention to make yourself feel better about yourself.. Don't lie to yourself, you never loved this girl. You only loved the fact that you were with someone and this girl gave you the benefits that came with that. So when you lost it, that's when you "realized" you loved her and how it wasn't so bad. Do yourself a favor and get yourself straighten out before going into another relationship, you only hurt yourself and others. 1
Learningtowalkagain Posted August 3, 2015 Posted August 3, 2015 Yes. She had problems with some of my friendships, and was worried about being pushed out because of me wanting to spend time with them. Then she'd break up with me, citing not being able to trust me. I didn't do anything wrong really, I just met up with a friend once during the day and didn't tell her and she thought that was suspicious. I just didn't think it was important enough to have mentioned, that's all. She wanted most of my time and if I'd say I couldn't meet up or cancel on that day she'd sulk or there might be an argument. Say that I didn't love her anymore or something like that, but in a jokey way. Even this break up, she says it's because she's too paranoid and anxious and untrusting about me. Even though I haven't really done anything wrong. Also when she was angry it was like a different person - I often compared it to jekyll and hyde in my mind, it was very odd. And if she was annoyed with me I'd have to beg and beg to find out what was wrong and she'd just keep saying "ok" to all my messages which I found as frustrating as the silent treatment Would also never really accept blame or apologise for anything. For instance, went into my phone and would refuse to say sorry or admit that it was wrong. Or just in general not really want to apologise for anything. Never seeing that her actions caused my actions. Instead just focusing on my actions and not what caused them. I'm sure that'a a sign of BPD Yes she sounds very BPD. Jekyll and Hyde is the perfect analogy I've seen used a million times. Gravitating you away from friends and family, starting stupid arguments over dumb things, her wanting to spend every waking moment with you, being insecure, checking your messages and fb and seeing nothing wrong with that (everything I described is what my ex would do). Of course she's focusing on your actions because that's what people with BPD do, they make it seem like you're the problem. They play the victim role. Trust me on this...please, just trust me. I don't know you from any other person in the world but deal with the heartache and get out of this relationship ASAP. If you get back together with her expect things to get worse. There's NOTHING you can do to fix her. Nothing. zero. nada. Move on. Go NC. Try to work on your self esteem. Go to the gym. Read self help books. Seek therapy. But whatever you do DO NOT go back to this relationship. Neither of you are mature enough emotionally to work through this. 2
Author in_patient Posted August 3, 2015 Author Posted August 3, 2015 (edited) I honestly don't know what to do. I can't stop crying and I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like I can't breathe, and I feel hysterical. I just can't do this. I'm scared of how this will affect me. Edited August 3, 2015 by in_patient
Qboro90 Posted August 3, 2015 Posted August 3, 2015 I honestly don't know what to do. I can't stop crying and I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like I can't breathe, and I feel hysterical. I just can't do this. I'm scared of how this will affect me. You should really look into counseling/therapy if your this distraught over a break up. That's unhealthy and you need to find out the proper way to cope and deal with your issues instead of breaking down emotionally and physically. Not trying to be mean either but it just sounds like your past the point of anyone here being able to suggest any solution that could work for you. It's possible you may need anxiety medication or anti depressants. 1
Author in_patient Posted August 3, 2015 Author Posted August 3, 2015 You should really look into counseling/therapy if your this distraught over a break up. That's unhealthy and you need to find out the proper way to cope and deal with your issues instead of breaking down emotionally and physically. Not trying to be mean either but it just sounds like your past the point of anyone here being able to suggest any solution that could work for you. It's possible you may need anxiety medication or anti depressants. I'm already on the waiting list for counselling, and I recognise that this is probably unhealthy. I came on here because I'm in the UK and it must have been about 2am or so when I posted so I didn't have anyone else to really turn to. I will be making a doctor's appointment as soon as the surgery opens. My whole point is that break ups really take their toll on me and I'm just scared of the whole thing.
Qboro90 Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 I'm already on the waiting list for counselling, and I recognise that this is probably unhealthy. I came on here because I'm in the UK and it must have been about 2am or so when I posted so I didn't have anyone else to really turn to. I will be making a doctor's appointment as soon as the surgery opens. My whole point is that break ups really take their toll on me and I'm just scared of the whole thing. It's something thst you're going To need to learn how to cope with better as you grow up and mature. Relationships and going to come and go. That's why it's called dating. If we were intended to be with the first person we fell in love with it wild just be called mating/marriage.
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