joyyu22 Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 My boyfriend of 3 years and I have different spending habits. I am very carefully when it comes to spending, not to say I don't treat myself now and then, but they are relatively cheap and not frequent. I try to save money by bringing lunch to work whereas he doesn't or he forgets. He is a big outdoors guy and gears do not come cheap. We recently took a rock climbing course and after 1 class, he went out to buy climbing shoes which were around $150. I didn't see the need for owning a pair as rentals are available. I become very frustrated when he told me he bought them. 1). Just last week he was complaining how broke he was. 2). He's going back to school in a couple of months and won't be working. 3). This not the first time he's got an outdoor gear in a similar situation When I asked him if he really needed them, he just shut down and told me to drop it. I understand this is his money and he can spend it however he wants but his spending concerns me and our future. What do I do?
scooby-philly Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 That's a tough one. You said you clearly articulated your concerns and if what you said is true then he's also admitted that he's broke which to many people would mean at least an attempt at changing habits or evaluating what's going on. I am more and more convinced that money needs to be on the table along with children home work life balance and general lifestyle when it comes to compatibility in a relationship. You clearly articulated why you were uncomfortable and according to what you wrote gave a very good explanation of why. I cannot prove this but I feel like many people. ...and its not just whote bred americans and subsequent posters please dont trun this into a thread on other stuff.... but people just imagine that money grows on trees or that the future is full of potential.... I'm not advocating hoarding or not having fun. But you seem to be of the same mind as me in that vy a certain age people should know what interests them and if their hobbies are expensive know either they can't afford them or find ways to do so. I would love to buy tons of books but I stop myself when I have too big of a pile at home and I also rarely by new books and when I do its only after the first discount arrives and I know I wil enjoy it. Otherwise I buy a year or two later....wait for th paperback or scout b&n for sales. Money should be something you control and the relationship before a marriage is the time to see what your partixab and will change and what they won't and thrsame thing goes for them about you. I mean if things run their course eventually it would become YOUR money and not his or hers. Going back to school isnt cheap and while it speaks well of him to a certain extent. ..if he doesn't have money now.... I just ended a 1 year relationship. I should have done so earlier because despite her claims of valuing what I bring to the table she didn't seem to see me as a priority. ..she didn't really try to change what were some obvious issues which included basically the same scenario as this....hobbies and spending. ..and she always spoke ill of me and my personality when we fought. ..but hey...I was right. Now your whole dynamic may be different sp please don't take everything I say as gospel. But ina healthy relationship people eventually make decisions based off of consideration for their lives as a unit...ie if you've been together for say 6 months or more and he's going to be without a job and already doesn't have money then he should have weighed that decision more carefully and at least talked with you about it first. And his dismissal of your point only confirms he knows you are right. The question is what happens the next time. ...if he hasn't learned then you might need to reevaluate things very closely.
pie2 Posted August 3, 2015 Posted August 3, 2015 The problems that come up before marriage can only be 100x worse after marriage, if not dealt with. I would encourage him to read a book on sound financial practices, or even better, maybe take a course together. Dave Ramsey offers Financial Peace University. Depending on how your BF reacts to the above suggestions, you will get great insight into how willing he will be to change, and if he will truly make a good life-long partner. If he's not willing to change, you may have to rethink the relationship. Hopefully, he will be. But if you stay committed, knowing how he is, you won't have much of an excuse if the financial part of your relationship becomes a big burden. You show wisdom in having concern for this, OP. Continue to use your level-headed wisdom as time goes on. Best of luck!
preraph Posted August 3, 2015 Posted August 3, 2015 It's good you are thinking about these things before you would marry him. That said, at this point it's his money, and also everyone has things they consider nonnegotiable. I wouldn't think a pair of hiking shoes would be one, and maybe it isn't but is just a sign he has to have everything he wants. It would be good to find out if his parents spoiled him giving him everything he wanted growing up. If so, I wouldn't marry him because that's normal to him. But if he just started making his own money and is still young, say no older than late 20s, then maybe he's just kicking up his heels a bit spending his own money. But I wouldn't make any steps toward marriage with him unless he stops spending money on things he can't afford and doesn't need. There are people like him, men and women, who simply never tell themselves no and can't be changed. I'd say there are lots of them.
Recommended Posts