difficult_decisions Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 I've been dating this same girl in my previous posts. Things have been going pretty well. On days she doesn't have work, we spend a couple nights together. However, I've been picking up some things that I'm a little uncomfortable about and was wondering what ya'll think about it. When we're out together, she sometimes texts on her phone and then later on the night, tells me that it's a guy that has a crush on her at work or she talks about another guy, but immediately say something like "oh and her gf came to visit him", almost as if it was directed at me to say that "you don't have to worry" Here's the kicker. We were out one night waiting to get seated at a restaurant. That wait was pretty long so she had her phone out while I was next to her reading what she was reading. She was scrolling through her text when I saw a name "No". I casually asked her about it and she said it was someone she didn't want to talk to. The next morning, I saw her phone light up with the text message from "No". I really want to communicate this out to her, but I don't want to bring anything serious up since we've only just started dating. A lot of signs point to her being into me. What advice do you guys have on how to approach this? I don't want to end up being a rebound.
Toodaloo Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 I do that... Sometimes we girls keep numbers so we can tell who is calling. For example my stalker is in under "stalker". So I know not to respond to him when he calls and texts. I also have a friend that I was seeing who has behaved like a Tosser so he is in my phone as Tosser - don't bother... That way I remind myself that yes talk to him but keep a distance... Don't fret. People get obsessed with their mobiles anyway. Perhaps make a game that you want to have a day just the pair of you no phones etc. Just a relaxing happy day... make it a date!
Qboro90 Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 Your concerns are absolutely warranted. First of all if a girl doesn't want to talk to a guy then she just.... Will not talk to him. The fact that she's texting him still and often it seems shows that there is still unresolved issues going on, she still has feelings , or she's playing you and talking to multiple guys at once. The excuse of "he's got a crush on me" or "his gf came to work the other day" are blatant bs excuses to throw you off. You want to believe them but trust me they are bs and lies just to appease your questions. No girl texts or replies to "guys who have a crush" unless they're somewhat interested in them as well. Next time she gets a text from a guy while you're together or late at night ask her how she would feel if you even just causally talked and interacted with a girl who likes you while out with her or just in general. It's rude, insulting, and selfish. If you're sleeping together or this is past the initial "first few dates" period (seems like it from what you've said) then you have the right to ask these things. By not bringing it up you risk showing her that you're a pushover and easily manipulated.
tumblingdice Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 Don't snoop over her shoulder first of all. If you've just started dating, kick it off by putting as much trust in her as possible and just enjoy your time together. How long ago did her last relationship end? Also, I have kept numbers of exes in my phone with pseudonyms like that so that I know not to answer the phone. I think that's a common thing.
Author difficult_decisions Posted August 2, 2015 Author Posted August 2, 2015 Your concerns are absolutely warranted. First of all if a girl doesn't want to talk to a guy then she just.... Will not talk to him. The fact that she's texting him still and often it seems shows that there is still unresolved issues going on, she still has feelings , or she's playing you and talking to multiple guys at once. The excuse of "he's got a crush on me" or "his gf came to work the other day" are blatant bs excuses to throw you off. You want to believe them but trust me they are bs and lies just to appease your questions. No girl texts or replies to "guys who have a crush" unless they're somewhat interested in them as well. Next time she gets a text from a guy while you're together or late at night ask her how she would feel if you even just causally talked and interacted with a girl who likes you while out with her or just in general. It's rude, insulting, and selfish. If you're sleeping together or this is past the initial "first few dates" period (seems like it from what you've said) then you have the right to ask these things. By not bringing it up you risk showing her that you're a pushover and easily manipulated. I completely agree. Thanks for the response. I should've brought it up when I had the chance, but I also didn't want to risk coming off as controlling if I kept asking her, "who is this guy" "why are you talking to him". I guess I just need to work on how to bring it up and tell her, it isn't cool what she's doing.
Author difficult_decisions Posted August 2, 2015 Author Posted August 2, 2015 Don't snoop over her shoulder first of all. If you've just started dating, kick it off by putting as much trust in her as possible and just enjoy your time together. How long ago did her last relationship end? Also, I have kept numbers of exes in my phone with pseudonyms like that so that I know not to answer the phone. I think that's a common thing. I wasn't snooping. She knew I was looking at her phone, because we were just waiting to be seated. I don't know anything about her pervious relationships yet. We've only been dating for a month, slept together and spent a good amount of time together. I'm not sure when is an appropriate time to bring it up.
tumblingdice Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 Well, a month isn't very long. Although if you're sleeping together and spending a fair amount of time together, I'd say her behavior with the texting and mentioning other guys isn't appropriate at all. It's just plain inconsiderate. If she continues with that behavior definitely bring it up. Yeah, finding the right time is tricky :o/
Author difficult_decisions Posted August 2, 2015 Author Posted August 2, 2015 Well, a month isn't very long. Although if you're sleeping together and spending a fair amount of time together, I'd say her behavior with the texting and mentioning other guys isn't appropriate at all. It's just plain inconsiderate. If she continues with that behavior definitely bring it up. Yeah, finding the right time is tricky :o/ Any pointers and how to word it to her without sounding like a buzzkill?
Qboro90 Posted August 3, 2015 Posted August 3, 2015 Any pointers and how to word it to her without sounding like a buzzkill? If you're at dinner and she's texting him or gets a text "guy with the crush again?" Then see what she says, if it is she'll laugh and say yea and that's when you have your chance to delve deeper and express how rude that is (maturely). If it's not she'll say "haha no it's just my friend ___". You can even go with "didn't you parents teach you it's rude to pull out your phone at dinner?" To keep it more playful. If it's when you're in bed or together at home you can be more direct. "You really don't see any problem with talking to other guys that you know like you while you're seeing someone?". That'll put her in her place for starters. Depends on how and when she gets or starts texting.
Author difficult_decisions Posted August 3, 2015 Author Posted August 3, 2015 If you're at dinner and she's texting him or gets a text "guy with the crush again?" Then see what she says, if it is she'll laugh and say yea and that's when you have your chance to delve deeper and express how rude that is (maturely). If it's not she'll say "haha no it's just my friend ___". You can even go with "didn't you parents teach you it's rude to pull out your phone at dinner?" To keep it more playful. If it's when you're in bed or together at home you can be more direct. "You really don't see any problem with talking to other guys that you know like you while you're seeing someone?". That'll put her in her place for starters. Depends on how and when she gets or starts texting. This is good. I think I'll go with that. What about the "no" situation. You think it's better to leave that one alone for now? Or bring it up along with this? Also side note. When do you feel like it's appropriate to have "the talk". I know it's only a month in, is that something a woman should always bring up?
Gary S Posted August 3, 2015 Posted August 3, 2015 "no" is a stalker... she's screening her calls/texts... it's a good thing as long as he never comes around in person.
Author difficult_decisions Posted August 3, 2015 Author Posted August 3, 2015 "no" is a stalker... she's screening her calls/texts... it's a good thing as long as he never comes around in person. Hmm that's an interesting thought. My immediate thought was ex bf. What makes you think it's a stalker?
Gary S Posted August 3, 2015 Posted August 3, 2015 Hmm that's an interesting thought. My immediate thought was ex bf. What makes you think it's a stalker? - Because she named him "no"....... as in "no, do not answer this turkey who can't take a hint". If the guy had good intuition, he would have picked up on the fact that she did not want to talk to him, and would have stopped calling, so she would not need to keep his number in her phone. But stalkers don't have good intuition by definition. However, when I call him a stalker there are different levels of stalking... maybe he just likes to call her once in awhile? - which is not a major problem. But maybe he is hardcore and hides in the bushes watching her? - We don't know. 1
Qboro90 Posted August 3, 2015 Posted August 3, 2015 What do you mean by "the talk"? As far as the "no" situation if I were you, the next time you see "no"'s name in her phone or her text if him I would just say "for someone you named no and don't want to speak with, you certainly spend a lot of time talking to one another huh?". "Maybe you should change it to "yes as long as I'm around the guy I'm seeing so I can drive him crazy".
Author difficult_decisions Posted August 3, 2015 Author Posted August 3, 2015 What do you mean by "the talk"? As far as the "no" situation if I were you, the next time you see "no"'s name in her phone or her text if him I would just say "for someone you named no and don't want to speak with, you certainly spend a lot of time talking to one another huh?". "Maybe you should change it to "yes as long as I'm around the guy I'm seeing so I can drive him crazy". Haha that definitely sounds a bit passive aggressive. I definitely will bring it up with her the next time I see "no" pop up on her phone. I'll probably bring it up by saying, "for a stalker, this no guy seems to text you a lot. Wouldn't it just be easy to ignore him altogether?" By the talk, I mean "where do we stand, and what are you looking for"
Qboro90 Posted August 3, 2015 Posted August 3, 2015 Lol fair enough. I have the kind of personality where I'll say things like that and be able to get the info I want but it all depends on your delivery when saying it so it's def not for everyone. As far as "the talk". In my opinion, as a guy, I've never been too keen on being the first to bring up those kinds of questions/discussions. I typically think a girl is more attracted to you and will like you more if there is a little mystery there in her mind about your feelings towards her early on in seeing one another. Once you start asking or bring up "where is this going with us"" and/or "I like you a lot I want to have you as my gf" there's a chance that if she's not quite there yet that it will push her away and subconsciously at least she might think "oh well this guys not going anywhere so I can control how we progress knowing that he's really into me". This of course isn't for all circumstances. Once I'm dating a girl for a few months and we're both comfortable with each other im fine with expressing how much I care about her, love her, etc. I just think that at the stage you're at with this girl you're better off waiting for her to bring up that discussion instead of showing all your cards too early if you know what I mean. Also I think you need to get to the bottom of these other guys texts she's involved with before you move forward into BF/gf status with her. Do you really want to start dating a girl that you know interacts with other guys who you know like her, has an ex she talks to here and there, and allows guys with crushes to contact her at all times of the night? Those issues need to be figured out first.
Author difficult_decisions Posted August 3, 2015 Author Posted August 3, 2015 Lol fair enough. I have the kind of personality where I'll say things like that and be able to get the info I want but it all depends on your delivery when saying it so it's def not for everyone. As far as "the talk". In my opinion, as a guy, I've never been too keen on being the first to bring up those kinds of questions/discussions. I typically think a girl is more attracted to you and will like you more if there is a little mystery there in her mind about your feelings towards her early on in seeing one another. Once you start asking or bring up "where is this going with us"" and/or "I like you a lot I want to have you as my gf" there's a chance that if she's not quite there yet that it will push her away and subconsciously at least she might think "oh well this guys not going anywhere so I can control how we progress knowing that he's really into me". This of course isn't for all circumstances. Once I'm dating a girl for a few months and we're both comfortable with each other im fine with expressing how much I care about her, love her, etc. I just think that at the stage you're at with this girl you're better off waiting for her to bring up that discussion instead of showing all your cards too early if you know what I mean. Also I think you need to get to the bottom of these other guys texts she's involved with before you move forward into BF/gf status with her. Do you really want to start dating a girl that you know interacts with other guys who you know like her, has an ex she talks to here and there, and allows guys with crushes to contact her at all times of the night? Those issues need to be figured out first. I agree with you completely there. I think it's just going to take some time and watch some signals that she'll give off when she's interested for more. That's going to be the tough part. Getting to the bottom of these other guys texts is another thing too. It's trying to figure out if she's actually seeing them or not, without crossing that fine line into the "relationship talk". You know what I mean? I think I need to set a boundary and let her know that I'm not cool with it when she's talking to these guys, without coming off as jealous/needy. There are times that she would tell me about these guys and make comments that I feel like she's trying to get an emotional response out of. I can't be for sure though, and I don't want to call her out on it.
Qboro90 Posted August 3, 2015 Posted August 3, 2015 Im a little confused. Is this girl telling you that she is talking to other guys and also casually seeing them? If she's hinting or baiting you for a reaction you have every right to call her out. Good way to do that is when she brings up talking to another guy say to her "Listen I'm __ years old, if you still feel the need to get an ego boost by talking to other guys or letting them chase you while your sleeping/seeing someone (me) then tell me now because I'm not the kind of guy who sits around being cool with that". Show her that you respect yourself and expect the same respect and courtesy from the girls you date. If she's not embarrassed and apologetic then she's trouble.
Author difficult_decisions Posted August 3, 2015 Author Posted August 3, 2015 Im a little confused. Is this girl telling you that she is talking to other guys and also casually seeing them? If she's hinting or baiting you for a reaction you have every right to call her out. Good way to do that is when she brings up talking to another guy say to her "Listen I'm __ years old, if you still feel the need to get an ego boost by talking to other guys or letting them chase you while your sleeping/seeing someone (me) then tell me now because I'm not the kind of guy who sits around being cool with that". Show her that you respect yourself and expect the same respect and courtesy from the girls you date. If she's not embarrassed and apologetic then she's trouble. To my knowledge she isn't seeing them. At least she didn't say so. She would mention random unrelated things the crushes would talk about to her. I have a feeling she isn't seeing anyone else just because of the amount of time I spend with her and talk to her. Either way, I don't feel comfortable with her talking about other guys in front of me. I just don't want to call her out on it and find out she was just telling me these things without the intent of irking a response, then I'd look like a fool.
Author difficult_decisions Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 Just an update here. Last weekend I may have self invited myself to stay over at her place for two nights. I told her afterwards my apology for not asking ahead of time, but she said she didn't mind, and when we were hanging out it was fine. But over the past few days during the week, her texts have been very minimal and she doesn't engage like she usually does. What can I do in this situation? Should I cut my losses? I'm thinking she may have thought I was coming off too strongly and is now acting this way.
Recommended Posts