Does first love have to be over like this?

[gwenn]

Hello everyone I need some advice here. First let me share my story with you. Me and my ex were together for 3 years and a half . We were each other’s first love. We are at same age and we met in high school. When it all first started everything was so perfect. We were just so in love with each other. I could feel that he was the one. We were just..enjoying each other’s company, we were living life to the most as a couple. And we even had really good relationship with each other’s parents.

 

 

 

After that we started college. And that’s when all our real problems started. The thing is I was still so into us. While he was gradually falling out of it. Then one day he told me that we shouldn’t prioritize our relationship any more. It was so sudden…That time I was so freaked out that I cried in front of him. But I just casually agreed because I didn’t actually really get that he was right, we should prioritize our studies but that doesn’t mean we have to give up on our relationship. But I was so lost that time, that I end up cling on to him more. I was going through depression. Because I’m so stressed because of college and moreover I don’t have friends in college. I can’t even focus in class. I thought that I only have him and he will be there for me. And so all I do is kept eager for his reply, and the next time I get to meet him.

 

 

 

I thought that he will too because back then, we really hoped we could get into the same college. But I can feel that he started to prioritize himself more and his bunch of new friends. And yes, we’re both studying different courses. And my class was so small that I didn’t even get the chance to meet new people and mix around like he did. Because I started college first , that’s why during the first few weeks when he just came in college he has no friends and I chose to be there for him, because he is new in college and has no friends. I bring him around, showed him around our college and we ate lunch together everyday. And then it’s like suddenly he became prioritizing himself more. He was telling me that I should prioritize my studies too but I was so lost and was depending on him too much..And end up..I flunked my big exam.

 

 

 

Towards the end of my college years, I did progress better that prioritize my studies more I thought that we were doing better but not long ago he suddenly told me we should let go. That’s how it all ended. He didn’t really say he want to break up with me but I guess it means the same thing. At first I was devastated, I tried to console him that I will know what I should do and we should not give up here but he just don’t want to hear. The fact that we will end up like this isn’t just because of just one problem but a few problems accumulated. And both me and him are responsible for that. The first two years of our relationship we both have the same goal, to get into a good college together. Then we ended up in the same college but in a different course, and that means, different goals.

 

 

 

And so.. We’re supposed to have a healthy change in our relationship, because college is like a new stage of our lives. And in order to make it work we need to have positive changes, but we didn’t. And I was loving him too much without making sure he really needed that much, and I lose myself in it. I actually buy him presents all the time because I was loving him so much. Which he did too at first but not after college. I was ‘always there’ for him even when he actually didn’t need it. And we’re gonna go thru LDR soon, he told me it’s gonna be hard but I know deep inside my hard, nothing is harder than losing him. So mainly these are the problems that led us apart. I know some of you guys is gonna tell me that first love/young love is supposed to end like that, but there are possibilities you found your soulmate the first time you fell in love right? My cousin who was with her bf since 16, ended up marrying him, 10 years later. And they are always my biggest motivation.

 

 

 

It breaks my heart that he chooses to give up like this. So after that day he told me that we should ‘let go’, we stopped contacting each other since. Because I found out about NC rule. I didn’t initiate a concersation with him even though I really want too. And end up he did contact me a few times asking me how am I doing, and randomly saying goodnight to me, and he even tagged me in pictures and videos in facebook of cute dogs (like he used to when we are still together). But I didn’t do anything like that. Well I did reply him a little. But just cold reply. It was a month ago after he mentioned that we should ‘let go’ now. And I actually did feel that he misses me,and he always when he texted me I wouldn’t reply immediately but when I finally did, he replied back immediately like he was eager for my reply. He sent me pics of the dog we saved together a few weeks ago. He sent me snapchat when he’s travelling with his family.

 

 

 

And just yesterday I told him that we should meetup for a little catctup after his exam this weekend and he agrees.Just when I thought finally, everything was going fine.. Just this afternoon, he deleted all our photos in instagram and facebook. I was like..wth? But I kept calm of course. But just when I thought we get to be together again and work things out he showed me signs that he has no longer interested to be back together with me. It’s sad that relationship nowadays are proven by social medias.. and so I won’t let this affect me negatively. Because I’m actually thankful that we chose to have this distance, but I grew up ‘mentally’ a lot. I learned that I’m worth more than his attention, and I am responsible for my own happiness. I’ve learned to be more confident, focus on striving for my future and love my myself and my family, the ones that truly cared. And so I took this opportunity apart as a time to ‘grow up’. And maybe God didn’t give up on us, He just wanted us to ‘grow up’. He may be my first love, he may not treat me like a princess, but I’m willing to live in a wooden house with him building our future together, than with someone who is willing me to treat me like a princess and give me a castle. I wanted to build our dreams together , and strive for a bright future with him.

 

 

 

Maybe because we’re too young back then and now still that’s why we don’t know how to love the right way. But I truly believe that we reaally loved each other, not because of money or status or any other reason, but only because we loved each other for who we really are. And I feel it’s really sad to give up here, after all these years. We’re both Christians so we always prayed that God always open a way for us. And He always did. So guys what do you think I should do when I meetup with him? Should I tell him about we should work things out or just showing him that I’m happy and I’m progressing well? Because although I feel okay without him now , I mean maybe because all along I was depending on him too much , but I want to show him that I’m not that kind of person anymore.I just don’t want to give up here, at least because we didn’t even try.. I’m sorry for making this a long long text.. Anyway I hope to heaar some of your advices. Thank you so much in advanced! <3

[Qboro90]

So much of your development as a teenager in high school was spent with him that it's prevented you from ever learning to be ok on your own. That will always lead to an unhealthy relationship and clingy ness which you've shown over and over. It's not attractive to any guys to have a girl depend on you to the extent you've shown.

 

Do not meet up with him. Separate yourself, you need to be ok on your own and experience other guys and dating because until you do you'll only think that your high school love is all that's out there. That couldn't be farther from the truth. Start trying to do things that will make your life better as an individual. Your school work, your career, your friends. You have plenty to keep you occupied with that.

[jason_mraz]

Hi Gwenn,

 

I'm sorry to hear about you and your ex. I feel that you too do have a good foundation and had a good relationship. However, as you mentioned there are other things in his life and your life as well. I guess given enough time of no contact and if he really came to the conclusion that he prioritized his other things in life over you for the mean time, then I guess you can't force it. It's funny that when you give help and suggestions to other people, it always comes out as logical and maybe helpful I guess, but when I deal with my own breakup as you know, I screw up things and made it worse haha.

 

A suggestion is to keep in contact with him after a period of no contact. Not as like close friends and talk everyday, but let him know that you are still there in his life and hasn't moved on if your feelings don't change. Hopefully he realizes how important you are to him and can strike a balance between spending time with you and dealing with other things in his life.

 

The reason why I too haven't given up on my ex is actually because of my parents haha. They met at a young age and after dating many other people they met each other again and got married haha. Hope it helps Gwenn and wish you all the best!

[gwenn]

Me and my ex were together for 3 years. Yes we’re both still young, we were each other’s high school sweet hearts. But we’ve been through a lot. There were too much beautiful memories to remember. The fact that there were is because we were in serious relationship. Our problem started since he started college. He told me that we shouldn’t prioritize our relationship and put our studies first. But I was still so into us that time. And then our relationship started to fall apart. I became clingy, needy and always dependent on him. I wasn’t really focusing on my studies I just want to spend time with him because we finally have more freedom after high school.He was putting himself first, and I didn’t realise that I should too, for myself, for my own good, then maybe we won’t end up like this. But well everything happens for a reason , and I’m glad that we did break up because this few weeks, I’ve grown up mentally a lot.

 

I realised I was too busy trying to love him, and trying fix our relationship that I ended up losing myself instead. I was trying too hard when he didn’t. I thought that if you love someone , you won’t mind giving too much because you enjoyed loving that person and you don’t expect in return. Because the love men and women can give are different. And the one I tried to give him the most is emotionally support. I didn’t realised I should pull back too when he did and start loving myself more when I should. And I know both of us are responsible for this. Not that we had a clue we’re doing it wrong, because love doesn’t come with instructions. And we’re both too young to have a mature mindset.

 

He is the one who initiated the break up. He told me that we should ‘let go’. I couldn’t accept it at first because I really feel that we were made for each other. But the more I plead, and told him I would change and we can try make things work.. only pushes him further away. Then I found this site, and I’m so glad. Started NC a few days after the breakup. The first few weeks everything was okay, I was starting to realised I’ve been missing out so much. I spent time pursuing my hobbies and my family. Yes I miss him, but I didn’t initiated contact or said anything about wanting to get back with him or whatsoever. We did kept in touch a little, sometimes he would say goodnight to me, tag me in photos in social media and show signs that he misses me. And then when I thought I’m finally feeling better, and matured a lot, I asked him out for a catch up. He agrees .Planned to say nothing about getting back together, just want to go out for a friendly catchup, and show him my progress. Can’t wait to show him that I’m happy and I’m no longer that clingy, emotionally old me.

 

Then he started to act cold towards me after we agreed to meetup. He was starting to give cold replies. And I realised he started talking with his ex-crush. (She already had a bf though) I was a of course abit devastated but I didn’t let it affect me much. Because I know what’s the purpose of this programme, to feel better for ourselves, to realised we deserve our own happiness. To grow up mentally for the better. To realised we deserve so much better. But why is it that this happens only after we planned a meetup? Is he having mixed feelings? And what does that feelings that he’d shown and the way he treated me means? Yes, we may me too young to settle for a relationship but I truly believe that we are the right person for each other. I’ve matured my thinking a lot now, on my priorities. But I still love him and hope that we can work things out. I thought that if we give each other enough space, and just be each other’s biggest supporters in life, spend more time for ourselves but still make time for each other, just not as much as before, then we can make it.

 

Can you guys give some opinion on his sudden ‘coldness’? Maybe he needed more time? Why does he have to talk back with his crush? Is it because he just want to feel better ? We were both really in love with each other, we just needed some positive changes in our relationship.. I really don’t want to give up here yet. What should I do guys? Should I talk about the relationship when we meet up? Or should I postpone the meetup? :/:(

[aloneinaz]

Here's the thing and it's not meant to be condescending. You're both very young and inexperienced in relationships, like we all were back in the day. What you'll learn is when someone ends a relationship with you, communication should end. You can't go from lovers to "pals" when someone (you) are still emotionally attached to the other.

 

 

All this drama you're still dealing with, including this question you posted would be non-existent had you accepted his ending of the relationship and cut contact. You'd also be several days or weeks into getting over it. By staying in LC like you're doing, you only dragging out the FINAL ending of this R/S.

 

 

What you should do? Cancel the meeting and in doing so, let him know you've thought about this further. You accept his decision and you're going NC so you can move on. Then, you stop replying to him. He ended the relationship. That's his right. Now, it's your right to not engage with him further. You need to worry about you and you feelings not his.

 

 

Stick around and read all the threads here. There's lot of good information to include the NC thread.

[gwenn]

The thing is I still want to work things out.. although it may take some time.. we've been through quite alot, I really hope to build a future with him. but for now I guess we both needed more time for ourselves

[lana-banana]

You're very young and this is probably something you ought to learn for yourself a few years from now, so consider this a sneak peek or cheat code of sorts: when someone doesn't want to be with you, walk away. There is absolutely nothing you can do to bring back someone who's already moved on.

 

Your ex boyfriend is being cold because he no longer has feelings for you. He doesn't want you to get the wrong idea. In this case it doesn't matter if he's chasing after his crush or Taylor Swift, because either way you can't make him love you again. Time won't change this. The good news is time will change you. You are going to change so rapidly over the next few years in so many bright and unexpected ways, to the point where five years from now you'll barely recognize who you are today.

 

You're saying all the right words about focusing on yourself, but so long as this guy is your number one goal all your self-improvement will be for naught. This guy is long gone, but you are stuck with you for the rest of your life. Truly focus on yourself, because you are the only person whose actions you can control.

[gwenn]

Just a few days before our breakup I was having a trip with him and his family...He showed me that he still cares all his need is time and prove that I should prioritize myself tooo like he did I know most of you here is asking my to just moved on because it's meant to be like this. But I have real life examples that a relationship that started at a young would last till the end. It's just matter that IF we're doing it right. I realised know that we were not in a healthy relationship, at least not anymore since college. It's hard for me but I accepted it all is over. I'm going to send him the text telling him that I accept this break up , and apologize too, also I wanted to wish him all the best because I've never regret trying to make us work. I appreciated our memories. After that I'll go NC and focus on myself as I really needed too as a huge exam is arriving soon. I know that we're both in a growing phase and my biggest mistake is instead of just growing, I cared too much that this growth will lead us apart.. Still I'm glad at least, we ended on good terms. Thanks for the motivation guys.

Edited August 7, 2015 by gwenn