mcbg13 Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 Me and my boyfriend broke up a month ago and I'm still struggling with moving on. I keep looking at our old pictures together, reading cards he gave me, etc. and it makes me really sad. I know that's not a good thing to do but I can't help myself remembering old memories and hoping we somehow can fix our relationship. My ex keeps texting me and asking me out to have lunch and stuff and he wants us to stay friends but every time I talk to him or see him, I just feel depressed and sad because I still have feelings for him. I told him I didn't think being friends would work for me and that we should just not talk or see each other but he says I was his most meaningful relationship and that he doesn't want to say goodbye forever. He's the first guy I truly loved and was in a serious relationship with. The first guy I lived with. The first guy I said I love you to and who told me he loved me. The first guy I introduced to my family. The list goes on. He was such an important part of my life and I can't find a way to move on and go back to my life before him when I actually enjoyed being single and doing stuff alone. I'm seeing a therapist once a week and I have tons of people in my life I can talk to and do things with but I still end up alone at the end of every day. Any tips or advice on what I should do?
Learningtowalkagain Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 I've probably written 50 posts on this subject on these forums but here goes: No, don't try to stay friends with him. You're setting yourself up for heartbreak. I'm assuming he was the one who initiated the breakup? Doesn't sound like it was mutual. If so he's made his choice to move on. You were very broad with your post so here goes. If he is still in contact with you he either feels guilty about the break up or misses your companionship. These are both selfish behaviors on his part. I've stayed friends with ex's but not immediately after the break up because there are way too many feelings involved. You'll NEVER move on when they're still part of your life. Plus I can tell from your post you want to reconcile. My ex and I mutually broke up in January. Honestly it was a huge relief because she was BPD and I was tired of the roller coaster ride. She crossed a line with comparing and being jealous of my daughter so I was more than done. We kept in contact for 6 months mostly through IMs (we work together but I rarely see her), text messages, emails, and drunk texts. These were only monthly contacts but it was her way of keeping tabs on me to see if I moved on. I knew the door was open to reconcile because of the things she said to me, I chose not to walk through that door again. Fast forward to last month, I find out she has a new bf from a friend of mine. She was posting pics of her and him on fb. I reactivated my FB account, immediately deleted her, without going through her profile, her family, and any friends I met through her. I deleted her number, our text history conversations and all pics. I've gone strict NC. Our last contact was Fathers Day when she text'd me happy fathers day which was nice on her part. I hold no bitterness towards her at the same time it crushed me to see her with someone else. Things to do to move on: Go NC completely. All those photos and memories, burn them or trash them. They're just going to make you sad and prevent you from moving on. Delete his phone number Delete your text conversations and any emails he may have sent. You'll review and overanalyze these. You can't if you want to move on. Very important, remove him from all social media. Want to really hurt yourself? See him post a pic with another girl. The grief you're going through now is nothing compared to what you'll feel once you see that. Go to the gym, if you can't get a good workout in. Walk on the treadmill for 10 minutes. Stretch. Do something. It's good you have a support network because it's extremely important to get it out and talk it out. Start a journal. Instead of having all these thoughts swirling in your head, write them down on paper. You'll be amazed at what you write and it helps to sort out your feelings when you can review them. Post on here as often as you like. I've received some of the best advice on here. Give advice, get advice, read other peoples problems. What you're really doing is learning. You're single now, there were probably things you wanted to do that you couldn't when you were with someone. Now's a perfect time to pursue those things. It'll help you keep your mind off him. 2
Author mcbg13 Posted August 2, 2015 Author Posted August 2, 2015 Technically I broke up with him. Our last 2 weeks together, I could sense something was wrong but he didn't want to talk about it and one night I found out he had been lying to me about a bunch of stuff. I freaked out and tried to talk to him but things escalated and we ended up having a big fight after which I told him it was over and I wanted him to move out the next day. He left and in the next two weeks, I was the one regretting the whole thing and trying to work things out but he wasn't interested. I realize even if we get back together, it would be difficult for us to work on trust and communication but I still would have liked to try. He seems to just want to be friends but that's not possible for me since I still have feelings for him. Last week, we finalized the exchange of our stuff and we both told each other we would take some space but on Sunday, he texted me asking me to have lunch with him, with a pretty please. I agreed but after 20 minutes of chit-chat, I started feeling really emotional. After our lunch, I texted him saying we shouldn't talk or see each other and that being friends wasn't possible for me but he said he wanted to keep seeing me. He also apologized for lying to me and said I didn't deserve to be treated that way and that he was a horrible person for doing that to me. He said I made him so happy and he didn't want to say goodbye forever. I waited a day to reply because I was busy and wanted to think about it and I ended up telling him I wasn't sure how we could be friends but that I preferred to talk about it in person so I invited him to come over that night to talk. He ended up replying the next day saying he also preferred to talk about it in person but that he could only see me the next day or the week after. I was annoyed by his late reply and the fact that he was acting so busy so I told him talking about it wouldn't solve anything and that I couldn't be his friend. I said he seemed to be enjoying his new single life and wished him the best. He hasn't replied to that text or called me since... I feel like if he really wanted to be with me, he would have found the time to see me faster. Anyway, since he hasn't replied in a few days, I guess he's over wanting to be friends now...
Author mcbg13 Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 It has now been a week since my last text I sent him and I haven't heard back from him. Has he accepted that we can't be friends, is he taking time to reconsider our relationship? I'm always stressed out thinking about it and wondering if this is the last time we will ever speak to each other?!
theredpill Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 You broke up with him, it's your job, not his, to lay the foundations if you want to fix this and rebuild trust broken. He needs to figure himself out, you've broken his heart, he's lost, angry, confused, why should he respond to someone he loves who's essentially pushing him away? Not all men will cry after women like we see in today's tv shows, some have dignity and respect for themselves. Maybe he is enjoying himself and now you see his greater value and you're thinking, was I too hasty, did I make a mistake?? Be open and honest if you want to work on it, but you must stay calm, don't respond, when fearful, angry or if you're feeling emotionally compromised. If you can forgive him, just be straight with him, keeping in mind, if you agree to forgive, you can never, ever, bring the subject up again. Not all breakups are a lost cause, it takes more work than a new relationship, but it's possible and happens more than this forum would suggest, when both parties are willing to put the effort in. Good luck!
Author mcbg13 Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 You broke up with him, it's your job, not his, to lay the foundations if you want to fix this and rebuild trust broken. He needs to figure himself out, you've broken his heart, he's lost, angry, confused, why should he respond to someone he loves who's essentially pushing him away? Not all men will cry after women like we see in today's tv shows, some have dignity and respect for themselves. Maybe he is enjoying himself and now you see his greater value and you're thinking, was I too hasty, did I make a mistake?? Be open and honest if you want to work on it, but you must stay calm, don't respond, when fearful, angry or if you're feeling emotionally compromised. If you can forgive him, just be straight with him, keeping in mind, if you agree to forgive, you can never, ever, bring the subject up again. Not all breakups are a lost cause, it takes more work than a new relationship, but it's possible and happens more than this forum would suggest, when both parties are willing to put the effort in. Good luck! I have told him many times I was willing to forgive him and work on our relationship after HE broke my heart. He's the one who betrayed me. With that said, while he has said to me he only wants to be friends, I don't understand why he also tells me he misses me, loves me, that I make him happy and that he wants to keep seeing me. While he says that, he's also on dating sites so I can't be friends with him while he's seeing other people. It hurts me too much.
Author mcbg13 Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 And JUST as I typed this message, he texts me the following: I miss you so much right now. I've been thinking about you for days. Can I come see you tomorrow night to talk? UGH
aloneinaz Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 How did he lie to you or betray you? You need to provide more specific information about the fight/ breakup to get better advice.
Author mcbg13 Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 How did he lie to you or betray you? You need to provide more specific information about the fight/ breakup to get better advice. He lied about not smoking pot and about hanging out with friends who were sober when they were not. He was also texting someone saying he was single. He just sent me a LONG text message apologizing and begging me to see him...
aloneinaz Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 He lied about not smoking pot and about hanging out with friends who were sober when they were not. He was also texting someone saying he was single. He just sent me a LONG text message apologizing and begging me to see him... I'm assuming you're both in your late teens, early 20's since this was your first everything with a guy? IDK, you have a decision to make. He's lied to you and know there's trust issues on your part which are understandable. This relationship has suffered this break up and reconciliations rarely last. You're young and you should REALLY consider exploring other opportunities to date other people and gain more life experience. As a guy, let me warn you about WHY he's probably texting you now- * He's horny * He's lonely and the girl he was chasing didn't work out * He's not finding the single life as exciting as he thought * Did I mention he's horny? The balls in your court but you need to decide if you want to go back to the drama and restart the healing process when it flames out again. Cause it will.
Learningtowalkagain Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 He lied about not smoking pot and about hanging out with friends who were sober when they were not. He was also texting someone saying he was single. He just sent me a LONG text message apologizing and begging me to see him... If he likes to smoke pot with his friends and he's doing it behind your back maybe you should re-evaluate the relationship. Why do you have a problem with him smoking pot? The problem is obviously on your end since he had to lie about it. I don't personally smoke pot (often), but if I was involved with someone who enjoyed it and it wasn't an issue I wouldn't make them feel guilty to the point of lying to me about it. He wants a girlfriend, not a mother. The lying saying he was single is a whole different story and yes he deserves to be chastised for that.
Author mcbg13 Posted August 7, 2015 Author Posted August 7, 2015 He just sent me a LONG text message apologizing and begging me to see him... He begged me to see him, apologized for everything and said he wanted to be with me. I agreed to see him last night but he cancelled a few hours before because of his new job. I suggested an alternative time on Saturday but he was very vague about whether he could make it so I told him, nevermind, unless you're ready to actually work on our relationship, it's pointless to keep talking to each other. He then turned things on me and tried to make me feel guilty by saying at least HE talked to me after we broke up when I reached out to him. I'm so done with this.
kidm Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Sounds like he is out for revenge/prove to himself that he can get you back. I doubt he seriously wants to work on the relationship. Move on.
qubist Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 He begged me to see him, apologized for everything and said he wanted to be with me. I agreed to see him last night but he cancelled a few hours before because of his new job. I suggested an alternative time on Saturday but he was very vague about whether he could make it so I told him, nevermind, unless you're ready to actually work on our relationship, it's pointless to keep talking to each other. He then turned things on me and tried to make me feel guilty by saying at least HE talked to me after we broke up when I reached out to him. I'm so done with this. you gotta give him another chance, you still love him too, you both made mistakes so what?? give the man a chance but learn from you mistakes both of you good luck
Author mcbg13 Posted August 7, 2015 Author Posted August 7, 2015 (edited) you gotta give him another chance, you still love him too, you both made mistakes so what?? give the man a chance but learn from you mistakes both of you good luck I'm still open to meeting him if he makes concrete plans and follows through and he tells me he wants to work on our relationship. I don't want to be friends with him which he wanted before because I still have feelings for him and I'm still struggling with the way we broke up. I just feel like he's baiting me to see if I'm still within reach by telling me what I want to hear and when he has his answers, he backs away. I'm tired of this back and forth. I've had the hardest month of my life. Edited August 7, 2015 by mcbg13
Author mcbg13 Posted August 10, 2015 Author Posted August 10, 2015 We ended up meeting up on Saturday and it was a bad idea. We both bawled like babies saying we missed each other but he's still not sure of what he wants. He also told me he slept with someone else in the past month. Even though we weren't together anymore, it really hurts me because the entire time I was crying and telling him I wanted us to work on our relationship but he just gave up on me and moved on to some random person. I am heartbroken
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