Author cameroona Posted August 2, 2015 Author Posted August 2, 2015 I realise I have ****ed up in the past, but cant someone change? I know I deserve the blame for a lot of us, but I am a different person to where I was a few years ago. I didnt tell her in the past about the cheating as I didnt want to hurt her, precisely how I am feeling now. I don't think they is anything going on with this guy at all, I really don't. Could my lack of a future for her earylier in the relationship really push her to do this? I asked her after I confronted her about this if she still loved me , she said she do but not as much as she used to. With my mind in two places about this I probably need to make a decision, how long should I dwell on this. She is currently at her mothers house and we havn't talked since I asked her to leave yesterday while I figure my stuff out.
craw Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 To be brutally honest, you don't deserve the answer. And this is why: Problem #1: 8 years of being together and not so much of an engagement? Big red flag. You should have be married to her 3-4 years ago, at the latest, if you really love her that much. Problem #2: You have been withdrawing yourself during the relationship when she loved you the most. That is enough to break any person, let alone your girlfriend. If anyone should be an emotional train wreck, it should be her. Problem #3: You cheated yourself. To make it worse, you cheated more than she did. You don't love her. If you did, you would have loved her the last 8 years you was both together. You should have ended it 4-5 years ago and moved on to a woman that you really want. She loved you but has broke out of it. That is clear because she cheated. At this point, she just wants out. Be a man and just end it. Move on. Don't ask her about why she cheated unless you are going to be completely clean to her yourself about your actions and I doubt you will do that. Yup, let her go - if you love her that much.
Satu Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 I realise I have ****ed up in the past, but cant someone change? I know I deserve the blame for a lot of us, but I am a different person to where I was a few years ago. *I didnt tell her in the past about the cheating as I didnt want to hurt her, precisely how I am feeling now. That lie of omission is a lie you've told every second of every day, since you did what you did. Without honesty, nothing prospers. 2
Author cameroona Posted August 3, 2015 Author Posted August 3, 2015 Ok, its been two days since I have talked to her. How long should I leave it before I have the talk about our relationship, I'm not sure at the moment what I want and the uncertainty is killing me. One moment Im just so incredibly angry and the next I feel I could forgive her, its honestly totally soul destroying. She hasn;t texted me at all to talk or apologise, why would she not communicate?
understand50 Posted August 3, 2015 Posted August 3, 2015 Ok, its been two days since I have talked to her. How long should I leave it before I have the talk about our relationship, I'm not sure at the moment what I want and the uncertainty is killing me. One moment Im just so incredibly angry and the next I feel I could forgive her, its honestly totally soul destroying. She hasn;t texted me at all to talk or apologise, why would she not communicate? cameroona, I think you may find out that this is a Moot discussion, as she may be breaking up with you. In any case I would give her a call and arrange for a long talk to hash things out. The sooner the better - Today. Wish you luck. 2
Justanaverageguy Posted August 3, 2015 Posted August 3, 2015 Why did I cheat? She gave me everything , perfect girlfriend did everything for me , I actually couldn't ask for more. I think in my heart I believed that no matter what happened she would be there for me, so I decided back then to have my cake and eat it. Its wrong and I know it. I sometimes ponder on why I did cheat and not break off, am I afraid to truly be alone myself? So this is pretty open and shut case. When she was totally in love with you and invested in the relationship - you took her for granted and cheated on her. Doubtful this was due to age as you said it was after 5 years into the relationship when you would have been late 20's not early 20's. You took it for granted because she actually cared about you and you thought you could get away with it and as you said - have your cake and eat it too. Thing is I have started to find her attractive recently so that isnt a problem anymore. I went through a period where I just took her for granted , I basically thought I could do better. Now ask yourself why you suddenly started to find her attractive again recently. What was it that changed ? I can tell you what it was .... she fell out of love with you and started becoming distant and looking elsewhere. Your spidey senses kick in and suddenly you notice her becoming distant and realize she might leave. The reptile brain is activated and always wants what it can't have and so you suddenly feel attracted again and you try and stop her from leaving. You ended up in the exact same position she was in 3 years ago only you found out about the cheating. Karma sucks balls doesn't it. You both cheated ... unfortunately I think maybe this relationship is cooked. 4
Satu Posted August 3, 2015 Posted August 3, 2015 Snip: She hasn;t texted me at all to talk or apologise, why would she not communicate? When will you admit to your cheating and apologise to her? 3
elaine567 Posted August 3, 2015 Posted August 3, 2015 She is 26 and your relationship is 8 years old. That means she was 18 when she met you. She is realising that she has been unhappy for a long time and time is passing, her youth when she should have been having fun and dating other guys was spent with you, cooking and taking care of you. BUT you took her for granted. Do not assume she was unaware of your wandering eye and your lack of attraction for her. Now her head is out of the kitchen and she is looking around. I guess, she is not calling, texting or apologising, because she is moving on. 3
Author cameroona Posted August 3, 2015 Author Posted August 3, 2015 So this is pretty open and shut case. When she was totally in love with you and invested in the relationship - you took her for granted and cheated on her. Doubtful this was due to age as you said it was after 5 years into the relationship when you would have been late 20's not early 20's. You took it for granted because she actually cared about you and you thought you could get away with it and as you said - have your cake and eat it too. Now ask yourself why you suddenly started to find her attractive again recently. What was it that changed ? I can tell you what it was .... she fell out of love with you and started becoming distant and looking elsewhere. Your spidey senses kick in and suddenly you notice her becoming distant and realize she might leave. The reptile brain is activated and always wants what it can't have and so you suddenly feel attracted again and you try and stop her from leaving. You ended up in the exact same position she was in 3 years ago only you found out about the cheating. Karma sucks balls doesn't it. You both cheated ... unfortunately I think maybe this relationship is cooked. Agree with all of this. This is exactly how I feel and some up my relationship. I am a total idiot
Satu Posted August 3, 2015 Posted August 3, 2015 Agree with all of this. This is exactly how I feel and some up my relationship. I am a total idiot You may or may not be an idiot, but I do think that your ship has sailed. 1
Justanaverageguy Posted August 3, 2015 Posted August 3, 2015 Agree with all of this. This is exactly how I feel and some up my relationship. I am a total idiot Chalk it up as a tough life lesson. Sometimes the only way we learn is by making mistakes. You are only an idiot if you make the same mistake twice so make sure you don't As for next steps life goes on - my guess is your gf hasn't contacted you because she is ashamed and disgusted with herself - whilst also simultaneously not sure what she wants. My advice is try and go easy as you know there was fault here on both sides. I'd probably think best thing you can do now is spend some time apart to process and come to terms with what happened.
Author cameroona Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 So we met last night. She said she didnt know why she did what she did and wasnt sure it was ever going to be the same again. She says she is worried what I am going to think all the time when I am with her, how I am going to feel, if I will stop her going out and would worry I would get revenge on her. We chatted about the incident and it obviously upsets her what she did, I did start mentioning that in the past that I hadn't been a saint and she literally said to me that i should not continue.She clearly knows that I have had misgivings. We had booked to go on a holiday for a week next week, so after much tears and she apologised we decided to try and go on the holiday and see how it goes. She is still staying at home currently . I realise that this is insanely mad but I still love her and would love to be able to put this behind us. She admitted that we had been great recently . The point here is going to be if I can stop bringing this up all the time and get over this, is this possible and can we be happy?
CarrieT Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 The point here is going to be if I can stop bringing this up all the time and get over this, is this possible and can we be happy? It rarely happens... I'm being honest. I've been on this site for years and seen it over-and-over. Most people don't get over it.
Author cameroona Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 It might drive me insane, I know its going to be a bad ending. But I feel like a moth drawn to the flame at the moment. I tell myself that its my fault due to my previous treatment of her and sometimes that gives me comfort. Not looking for sympathy, but this is the second long term relationship that has resulted in my gf cheating. At the moment I wonder whether I will ever be truly happy.
understand50 Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 The point here is going to be if I can stop bringing this up all the time and get over this, is this possible and can we be happy? It rarely happens... I'm being honest. I've been on this site for years and seen it over-and-over. Most people don't get over it. cameroona, CarrieT is right, but there are exceptions to the rule. Myself and my wife are one of them. Here is our story. ""Originally Posted by BetheButterfly View Post Can I ask you something? Did you call her a tramp and did you mean it? Or did you call her a mean name out of anger (like tramp) but didn't really mean it and accepted her repentant heart in time, seeing that she truly repented? Could you please elaborate on your conversations with her? Thanks. I'm so glad you and your wife are doing well!!!"" "Understand50 We were both so young. I was 17 she 19. After her ONS, she called me and and told me she had to see me. We lived 130 miles apart at the time, she was living with roommates from high school, in a rented room. So she met me as I got off the bus, we sat down and she told me she had really done a bad thing to me and she had slept with a guy in the apartment complex, one time only after she was drunk. There were tears in her eyes, and she said she knew I would hate her and we were over, but she wanted to tell me face to face and let me get back, on the buss and go back home. Told me she loved me, and always would. I asked why, she had no answer, we sat, and I finally said let's go home. To her room. We went and talked some more, who, why, what happened. We made love, talked some more. The whole time she did not blame me, asked if I wanted to stay, did not know if she could ever make it up to me. Well, after two days of talking, love making, we agreed to keep together, but there were ground rules. She moved out to a new room, dropped her friends/roommates, and and called me every night. I promised, not to use her cheating in future fights, about non-related things. I would drop it, unless she cheated again. I have kept this. We have had challenges, but never cheating on each other. Or as I have posted in another thread, I am reasonably sure, or as sure as any husband can be, she has been faithful to me. No, I never called my wife a whore, tramp, C**T, or any other derogatory word at any time. Not that we do not argue and know what buttons to push, but we have never gotten mean with each other. We fight fair with each other for the most part. " Here is the "key", if you forgive her, you will never forget what she did, but no one wants to live 24/7 with someone using their past error as a club against them for other infractions. Think about it - would you? So when I promised, not to use her cheating in future fights, about non-related things. I would drop it, unless she cheated again. I kept this. You are both young, and you have both stepped over the line, as you know. If you can refrain from using this to "beat" up on here during fights about other things, then you have a chance to make it. If you cannot, then let her go. The only time this should be brought up again, is if you need to talk about is a calm way to find out why, or if she cheats again and you are leaving. I would write her a letter, detailing where you went wrong, and letting her know, that you forgive her, and will not bring this up again, unless she cheats again, or you have to talk about it to help you get over it. Ask her for the same, for your transgressions. If you can do this, if you break apart later, it will not be from this. As for you not forgetting what she did, that is another post. There are good ways to handle that. One is to decide not to dwell on it. Here is a link on fighting fair with each other. How to Communicate With Your Spouse | The Art of Manliness "Not looking for sympathy, but this is the second long term relationship that has resulted in my gf cheating. At the moment I wonder whether I will ever be truly happy." Decide to be happy. If you love her, this can be overcome. You just have to decide to do it. I wish you luck 1
Zagan Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 When a woman tells you that she no longer 'loves you like she used to', it's over. Very rarely will you find a woman who fell out of love with a partner/husband magically falling in love again. In this case, it's very much a good thing that it's over from her end. You don't love her. You cheated repeatedly (and you don't have to have full sexual intercourse in order for it to be regarded as cheating, you cheated) because she was offering you nothing but 100% love and devotion, so of course you lost interest, that's one of the many traits of emotionally immature people, and it isn't just men. The only time you regained any kind of attraction to her was when she began to slip away, you will have subconciously recognised this, and now you are panicked, convinced you are madly in love, when you are not. It's caveman instinct, you have realised that she is attractive to other males. More often than not, the one way discarded spouses rouse regret and emotion in an ex partner is when they move on with somebody new, because it makes a person analize the situation and question whether they have made the right decisions because animal instinct tells them they don't want someone else pissing up their lampost. This is no different. Should everything go back to normal and she miraculously falls head over heels in passionate love with you all over again, a sense of familiarity and boredom will eventually overcome you once more and you will revert back to your former self. Save yourself and her the pain. Let her go. Don't deny her the right to a happy future with somebody else just because you don't want somebody else to have her. Get over your insecurities and emotional immaturity and in time you will meet somebody that fulfills you without you needing anything from anywhere or anyone else at any stage in the relationship. Being 'young' does not give a person some divine right to use it as an excuse for treating another person like crap when they did nothing but devote their heart and trust into you. She is 4 years younger than you are, yet she didn't become emotionally unnatached until 8 years later when she probably did a lot of growing and maturing herself, took a long hard look at you and knew it was not what she wanted or needed. The fact you had everything in a woman that many people would be envious of, yet still treated her badly and cheated tells me you are incredibly insecure and can only recognise any kind of self worth by measuring the attention you can receive from several women, because one good one just wasn't enough. Pointing out that you are confident 'just not with women' reiterates this. Learn from this experience and in the future when you meet somebody new, remember it, and realise you have a clean slate, don't be an idiot.
loveflower Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Now ask yourself why you suddenly started to find her attractive again recently. What was it that changed ? I can tell you what it was .... she fell out of love with you and started becoming distant and looking elsewhere. Your spidey senses kick in and suddenly you notice her becoming distant and realize she might leave. The reptile brain is activated and always wants what it can't have and so you suddenly feel attracted again and you try and stop her from leaving. You ended up in the exact same position she was in 3 years ago only you found out about the cheating. Karma sucks balls doesn't it. You both cheated ... unfortunately I think maybe this relationship is cooked. wow.......... this is sharp!
Author cameroona Posted August 18, 2015 Author Posted August 18, 2015 I wasn't going to reply, in fact I feel ashamed as the advice given on here has been great and I have went against most of it but I feel you guys deserve one. We went on holiday and had a good time , we had the best sex we have had in years, much more adventurous. However during the day she showed very little forms of affection or PDA and towards the end of the holiday she seemed less interested. Towards the end of the holiday she said she wasn't ready to move back in with me because we needed more time. I am due to meet her on Saturday however and my head is all over the place. One minute I hate her one minute I love her. She still hasn't texted me at all since she left yesterday however. I know in my heart that it is time to move on, I know this is stupid but I can't help it at the moment. If this adhoc style of seeing each other continues I will have to end it and separate for a while. A part of me thinks that this incident could open up a door of new attraction for us , the other half knows that this is my justification for her actions. Heres what I can summarise why I haven't split up with her yet: I cannot stand the thought of her going with another guy if we break up, it honestly tears me apart. For some reason I find her soooo attractive right now and the sex is keeping me lingering on for each meeting with her. If life had a fast forward button this would one of the few times where I would skip this entire year.
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