Cup Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 I'm going away tomorrow on a 4 week European tour with my performing arts school - and with me will be another student who I once dated a few times. I am now seeing another guy but it is just 'dating' and not a commitment. I have known this guy for over 6 months and have been on 5 dates. He is a commitment phone who fears getting close to people. He can also be quite dark about life, friends, philosophy etc. Everytime he seems to get close, he backs off and doesn't contact me for a few days. I'm ok with this. He also told me that he enjoys my company and that he is only dating me. But, this is the part that completely threw me - he told me that he would be just fine if I dated whilst I was performing overseas just as long as I remembered him and still wanted to see him when I returned. I queried him on this and he divulged that he would also be fine if I dated locally as long as I would always keep him in mind at the end of the night. He keeps telling me that I'm too attractive for him and that he knows that I will eventually move on. Is that normal?
elaine567 Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 5 dates in 6 months, is not really a relationship and he is making no commitment to you either. I guess he is seeing other people too. I think you should just forget him and enjoy your trip. 3
Author Cup Posted August 2, 2015 Author Posted August 2, 2015 No I have known him for 6 months - he used to work at the university and watch me dance. 5 dates in 1 month. He wants to continue seeing me even if I choose to be with others. That is the part I just don't get.
HereNorThere Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 (edited) Most guys I know that give their girls permission to play around usually do it because they want the same option. However, this guy is definitely not a typical person so no one here is really going to be able to give you much insight. I think the better question is - why are you dating such a dreadful person? Do you have fantasies of changing or fixing him? Is this guy really meeting your needs? Edited August 2, 2015 by HereNorThere 2
Author Cup Posted August 2, 2015 Author Posted August 2, 2015 He has such a terrific side to him when he isn't being so dark and depressed and insecure. When he asked me out on our first date 3 1/2 weeks ago, I thought he was going to faint. When I said yes to going out with him, he stood staring at me in shock. He actually asked me if i was sure that I really wanted to or if I was just playing with him. He is very intelligent and makes me laugh BUT he would rather lock himself up in his house and listen to dark depressing music instead of going out. He has real issues that I cannot help him with but I'm so attracted to him. In terms of appearance, he is no cover boy but to me he has become one. I really like this guy and I want him to trust me and let me in.
HereNorThere Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 Great, you got yourself half a good guy. Most psychiatrists agree that you can't change someone's core personality type. Help them through some tough times, grief, teach them healthier coping mechanisms, maybe. The deciding factor is usually - is this person seeking help on their own? If they aren't, it's not even close to possible. It's kind of a lame inside joke amongst them but "How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the light bulb has to want to change." My advice honestly is to start googling things like "women who want to fix men" and look at the psychology behind yourself. I don't mean to be offensive, I really do want to help you. The more you research, you'll start figuring out that you have co-dependent features and quite possibly some intimacy and self- esteem issues as well. Healthy people aren't attracted to emotionally unavailable people. Instead, it's usually and indicator of intimacy issues. Admittedly, I suffer from the same thing. I don't know what it is, but unavailable people are always the most attractive. Maybe I have a rescuer complex? I'm not sure, but I've burned by these people enough to know that I can't help them. I can either accept who they are or move on, there is no changing them. If you take away anything for me, it's that. Godspeed 2
elaine567 Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 DO NOT sacrifice yourself at the altar of a dark, brooding and depressive man, who hides himself away and hates commitment. He will mess with your head - keep well away. YOU cannot fix him, do not try. He will ruin your life. 1
Redhead14 Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 He has such a terrific side to him when he isn't being so dark and depressed and insecure. When he asked me out on our first date 3 1/2 weeks ago, I thought he was going to faint. When I said yes to going out with him, he stood staring at me in shock. He actually asked me if i was sure that I really wanted to or if I was just playing with him. He is very intelligent and makes me laugh BUT he would rather lock himself up in his house and listen to dark depressing music instead of going out. He has real issues that I cannot help him with but I'm so attracted to him. In terms of appearance, he is no cover boy but to me he has become one. I really like this guy and I want him to trust me and let me in. He does not want an emotionally connected relationship with anyone. You are not equipped emotionally or professionally to "help" him. You will find yourself in a one-sided relationship where you will be doing all the work and it will drain you. He knows "who" he is and told you basically to date other people and not get too involved with him. You know that song by Mac Davis? -- "Baby, baby, don't get hooked on me . . ." Sure, he wants and needs the company of a woman, but can't connect with her. Sure he was anxious about asking you out . . . it's because he knows women want an emotional connection, he wants sex and doesn't want to be caught in that trap, yet he's gotta ask a woman out in order to get what he wants. He wants the sex enough to be able to push through the anxiety and ask her. Sex is the driver for him. Furthermore, even though men like this sometimes will say something like "I don't want to hurt you", it's really that they don't want to get hurt. They've been hurt very badly and they are afraid of the rejection. He actually asked me if i was sure that I really wanted to or if I was just playing with him. It's a conundrum for them. They don't want to get hurt, so they sabotage relationships, push women away emotionally while at the same time knowing that that hurts women and they feel guilty about that. They fear being hurt, they hurt women who then in turn hurt them. It's a vicious cyle. They sometimes will go farther into a relationship and when they start feeling closer, they pull away because it causes them anxiety. he would rather lock himself up in his house and listen to dark depressing music instead of going out. He will do this often. He'll come out for a while and then retreat. The woman feels anxious and insecure as well and tries to pull him back to her causing more anxiety for both of them. It's a very difficult situation for a woman (women do this too though). It would be a very unhealthy relationship if you continued down this road with him. If you do continue with him, it will always just be a casual relationship. If you can deal with that, great. But, he's right, you should date other men. Like I said, he knows "who" he is.
Author Cup Posted August 2, 2015 Author Posted August 2, 2015 Redhead, you hit the nail on the head. He does know who he is and yes, he has warned me that he is totally messed up a number of times. He can always use the excuse "I warned you". Kudos to him for not trying to have sex with me! That is one plus. For a 20 year old, he is well and truly screwed up. Thankfully I'm flying out in a few hours - the tour could not have happened at a better time. HereNorThere, I seem to always find myself in this predicament - I too must have a messiah complex. Elaine567 - I think you are right that he will ruin my life if I continue. He seemed so different to the guys that I normally hang with - performers and performing arts students. Didn't seem to be anywhere near as dramatic and petty. Possibly because he was so emotionally disconnected from life. Thanks 1
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