Is he cheap?

[Chief Wiggum]

If it was just 2 months in with a girl I was into, then I'd be making a bit more effort than that. Sorry, OP, but if he's slacking this early, you won't be able to tolerate it later. We tend to get progressively worse/lazier, us guys. Sorry to be blunt.

[Els]

Also he has requested that I make him another dinner for tomorrow night.

 

You know what, this stands out at me more than the whole "who paid $0.01 more?" quibble. So, a guy you're newly dating is requesting you to cook for him? That completely blows my mind. It's so odd that someone would do that when you've only just started dating and don't live together! Unless you're leaving out some major context (like, say, you OFFERED to cook dinner tomorrow and he said yes), this is a huge red flag to me - sounds entitled and presumptive.

 

Add that to the rest of the issues with this guy (I just read your post about the other thoughtless stuff he did), I think you should just bail. It's still early, way too early for all this drama. Cut your losses.

[TouchedByViolet]

Yeah he's cheap. I wouldn't wait for a gf to come from the bathroom to split the bill. He should cook food for you at home if he can't afford dinner out.

[MidwestUSA]

 

On another note, he's so old you could probably get discounts with him if you show up at restaurants early, so that's a plus.

 

 

Aging kitty rezents this remrk.

[smackie9]

This guy IS older. He is 40, single, never married.

 

And you wonder why he is 40 and still single????? because he is frickin clueless....and you know what they say about old dogs......save your breath and dump him.

[regine_phalange]

When you don't feel GREAT around a man, then it's a big indication that he's not going to make you happy. Trust your instinct.

[elaine567]

This guy IS older. He is 40, single, never married.

 

He is a little boy and you are his mother.

 

He is still dressing in tshirts and shorts.

He is thirsty, so he buys water for himself - little boys are selfish.

Mommy carries the groceries, little boys don't do that.

Mommy cooks the meals.

Mommy washes the dishes, I sometimes help but Mommy does it better.

Mommy chooses where we eat

Mommy pays the bills. I wait for Mommy to pay, and sometimes I help Mommy out by paying for stuff by myself.

[Strahatmak]

If you feel like you are not happy to cook for him anymore, say it and stop it.

 

Some people love to cook for others and not looking for responds. I cooked for my ex's either I wanted to or they asked for it. That said, they would usually cook or did something for me in return, though it really wasn't a must to me.

 

My men usually paid for dinners. In return I would pay for a movie, a drink, or something else cheaper (they insisted not having me to pay the expensive stuffs.) Splitting bills while going on a date or in a relationship sounds lumb to me. Once in a while, they'd be happy if I bought them the meal, but they would explicitly said that before, not until the bill was on the table.

[Strahatmak]

There are also a few other things which point to me as being thoughtless or inconsiderate. I feel like I need to get it off my chest tonight when he comes over.

 

1) He has never complimented me except that 'you look nice'.

2) He once said to me if I toned up my belly I would be sexier (I am already very slim and don't have much belly at all) he said it would be nice if I had a six pack. This is coming from someone who does have a belly. This was when we were making out.

3) He never offered me water at this event. He was thirsty, he bought water and drank it all himself. And in the past I have always bought him water or shared mine.

4) He lets me hold the basket of heavy groceries if we go shopping- and these are HIS groceries.

5) the first few times I cooked, he didn't say it was good, he had a few criticisms where it could have been better.

6) he has never tried to treat me or surprise me (we have only dated for two months so it's pretty early still)

7) It took him until the 8th date to kiss me.

8) He never dresses up for me or for dates. Always wears t shirts and shorts. He is not young btw.

9) he gets me to pick the restaurant each time because he forgets to find one.

10) he doesn't help me wash the dishes after I cook. He leaves them in the sink or he will help out initially and then when I come over he leaves them for me to do.

11) He doesn't eat carbs or a lot of sugar. If I want to eat them he will say 'that's a lot of carbs, no?' i have a healthy approach to meals and eat very healthily but he will criticise me if I'm eating too much cabbage for example because these are carbs.

 

Are these things fixable? We have only dated for two months. He is also 11 years older than me.

 

 

 

 

WTF? Move on, girl!

[No_Go]

Ohh firefly..... This to me looks like nitpicking (you made a list of petty "crimes" towards you lol) because you're concerned for something grand - i.e. him not respecting you.... And the latter is serious indeed.

 

I have VERY similar response to things when I am generally annoyed and my bf, and guess what? I catch myself it IS usually related to the fact that he makes me contribute financially MORE than him. In our case, yes, he does cook for me regularly, but when we are eating out, it is a pain in the a** because I feel like he EXPECTS me to pay. He is the one suggesting the restaurant etc, and I admit, it makes me mad too. He's also not a spring chicken - will be 38 soon.

 

I think we both lack the balls to tell them to man up, and if they WANT to go out - pay for it. I am personally more than happy with a home dinner and a movie date..... Spending money for eating out is definitely not something that I'd do for myself on a regular basis if I'm not dating.....

 

Really, talk to him. Stop making lists and frustrating yourself, my gut feeling is the guy is just clueless how he needs to treat his woman..... IF you hint that you're unhappy with not so gentlemanly behaviors (carrying the shopping bag, not picking the restaurant...) maybe you'll salvage the relationship.

 

There are also a few other things which point to me as being thoughtless or inconsiderate. I feel like I need to get it off my chest tonight when he comes over.

 

1) He has never complimented me except that 'you look nice'.

2) He once said to me if I toned up my belly I would be sexier (I am already very slim and don't have much belly at all) he said it would be nice if I had a six pack. This is coming from someone who does have a belly. This was when we were making out.

3) He never offered me water at this event. He was thirsty, he bought water and drank it all himself. And in the past I have always bought him water or shared mine.

4) He lets me hold the basket of heavy groceries if we go shopping- and these are HIS groceries.

5) the first few times I cooked, he didn't say it was good, he had a few criticisms where it could have been better.

6) he has never tried to treat me or surprise me (we have only dated for two months so it's pretty early still)

7) It took him until the 8th date to kiss me.

8) He never dresses up for me or for dates. Always wears t shirts and shorts. He is not young btw.

9) he gets me to pick the restaurant each time because he forgets to find one.

10) he doesn't help me wash the dishes after I cook. He leaves them in the sink or he will help out initially and then when I come over he leaves them for me to do.

11) He doesn't eat carbs or a lot of sugar. If I want to eat them he will say 'that's a lot of carbs, no?' i have a healthy approach to meals and eat very healthily but he will criticise me if I'm eating too much cabbage for example because these are carbs.

 

Are these things fixable? We have only dated for two months. He is also 11 years older than me.

[Candygirljane]

This guy IS older. He is 40, single, never married. Over a decade older than me and I've dated guys way more mature than him who are younger than me.

 

And I am not short of guys asking me out. That happens a lot in person as I do a lot of social activities. I have strangers complimenting me and this guy I'm dating doesn't!!!

 

why do you like him then? i though he is a 23 year old man who has to pay for him collage! 40-ish and never married? there must be something's wrong with him. you better to figure out why he never get married, that only make sense if he was focusing on his career, but it seems not. just dump him if you are not that into him, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

[Gaeta]

Really, talk to him. Stop making lists and frustrating yourself, my gut feeling is the guy is just clueless how he needs to treat his woman..... IF you hint that you're unhappy with not so gentlemanly behaviors (carrying the shopping bag, not picking the restaurant...) maybe you'll salvage the relationship.

 

You think it's normal to be clueless at 38 and 40?

 

They're not clueless, they're dead-beats. Women have rejected them all of their life for a good reason. Why in the world would you pick them up as your men? Why is trash good enough for you?

[No_Go]

Well, biological age does not necessarily reflect on experiences. My bf (and I feel like firefly bf too) haven't been in a long-term relationship before.

 

Also, being clueless in SOME respects does not automatically makes them deadbeats. I shared that me and bf have problems with managing dating expenses. However, he is: very protective, takes time to listen to me and think about my problems, very giving in bed, creative, we have enriching conversations etc.

 

Plus being a gentleman is not a genetic trait, right? It is a learnable feature.

 

You think it's normal to be clueless at 38 and 40?

 

They're not clueless, they're dead-beats. Women have rejected them all of their life for a good reason. Why in the world would you pick them up as your men? Why is trash good enough for you?

[Gaeta]

Well, biological age does not necessarily reflect on experiences. My bf (and I feel like firefly bf too) haven't been in a long-term relationship before.

 

Also, being clueless in SOME respects does not automatically makes them deadbeats. I shared that me and bf have problems with managing dating expenses. However, he is: very protective, takes time to listen to me and think about my problems, very giving in bed, creative, we have enriching conversations etc.

 

Plus being a gentleman is not a genetic trait, right? It is a learnable feature.

 

I don't know the details of your situation but firefly's boyfriend is a total deadbeat. At 40 he doesn't know how to give a proper compliment, doesn't know how to be helpful, doesn't care to pay his share, makes hurtful comment about her body, controls what she puts in her mouth !!! What do you call that if it's not a deadbeat??

 

Qualities like being helpful, attentive, considerate, respectful are not qualities you learn in a long term relationship. Those are qualities that are taught to you by your parents. This man is not a deadbeat because he was never in a long term relationship to learn, NO. This man was never in a long term relationship because he was never taught respect, consideration and service!!

[No_Go]

G, you base your opinion about this man on *ONE* post that firefly wrote in a moment in which she was frustrated with her bf. He MAY be a deadbeat, but the provided information is not sufficient to say so (the "laundry list" of "faults" that she wrote is something that is natural people to do when they are frustrated... We could be talking about isolated occasions that she just noticed because of her frustration).

 

And about parents teaching qualities - very true, but not all of us were lucky enough to have good parental models I'd be personally very sad if someone dismiss me for that, because I had not choose the way how my parents raised me (and the lack of some conventional social traits respectively).

 

I don't know the details of your situation but firefly's boyfriend is a total deadbeat. At 40 he doesn't know how to give a proper compliment, doesn't know how to be helpful, doesn't care to pay his share, makes hurtful comment about her body, controls what she puts in her mouth !!! What do you call that if it's not a deadbeat??

 

Qualities like being helpful, attentive, considerate, respectful are not qualities you learn in a long term relationship. Those are qualities that are taught to you by your parents. This man is not a deadbeat because he was never in a long term relationship to learn, NO. This man was never in a long term relationship because he was never taught respect, consideration and service!!

[regine_phalange]

I'm sure he has a long tragic story behind these actions, but the question is: does firefly want to mom him? I wouldn't. No patience for this.

[Gaeta]

G, you base your opinion about this man on *ONE* post that firefly wrote in a moment in which she was frustrated with her bf. He MAY be a deadbeat, but the provided information is not sufficient to say so (the "laundry list" of "faults" that she wrote is something that is natural people to do when they are frustrated... We could be talking about isolated occasions that she just noticed because of her frustration).

 

And about parents teaching qualities - very true, but not all of us were lucky enough to have good parental models I'd be personally very sad if someone dismiss me for that, because I had not choose the way how my parents raised me (and the lack of some conventional social traits respectively).

 

A certain amount of complaining is normal. Example: He won't help with the dishes, I don't hear enough compliments blahblahblah that's pretty standard complaining we hear from women BUT when a man allows himself to criticize her body to make her feel bad about herself, and when a man allow himself to control what she puts in her mouth, that's where I draw the line !! We're switching games here, we're going from couples regular frustration to him being manipulative, controlling, belittling, dismissive, and plain rude and cruel !!

 

About qualities. At some point into adulthood you have to stop blaming your parents and start taking responsibilities and action toward the type of human being you want to be. I know people that had horrible parenting but early on they decided they were not gonna be like their parents and these people have become, by their own efforts, wonderful carrying considerate human beings. When you reach 40 and all you can be is a moron taking advantage of a woman and belittling her it's too late to change.

[No_Go]

All in all, I agree with you for parenting hits and misses.

 

The body image comment is not cool, so as the carbs comment, at least in the way presented. Taking the ego aside though, someone advising you towards healthier habits is not a bad thing itself... But you're right, the combination of concerns is over the top.

 

The vibe that I'm getting here is that she's not confident in his level of attraction to her, that's the big problem in the whole tread

 

A certain amount of complaining is normal. Example: He won't help with the dishes, I don't hear enough compliments blahblahblah that's pretty standard complaining we hear from women BUT when a man allows himself to criticize her body to make her feel bad about herself, and when a man allow himself to control what she puts in her mouth, that's where I draw the line !! We're switching games here, we're going from couples regular frustration to him being manipulative, controlling, belittling, dismissive, and plain rude and cruel !!

 

About qualities. At some point into adulthood you have to stop blaming your parents and start taking responsibilities and action toward the type of human being you want to be. I know people that had horrible parenting but early on they decided they were not gonna be like their parents and these people have become, by their own efforts, wonderful carrying considerate human beings. When you reach 40 and all you can be is a moron taking advantage of a woman and belittling her it's too late to change.

[Els]

And really, all this is happening during the first few months of a R - that's when people usually put their best foot forward! If this is his best foot, can you imagine what 'normal' for him is?

[firefly1]

Told him yesterday I didn't feel like making food today. So we went out instead.

 

I told him that it's been one month and I felt that sometimes he could be more thoughtful and considerate. I told him how his comment about my tummy was not cool and it actually really hurt. He knows that it was a bad comment from my reaction last time and he looked really ashamed. And I brought up the fact that my friend offered me water whilst he had not and drank it all. he said sorry he was a bad boyfriend. He felt pretty crappy afterwards.

 

I told him that when he came over I usually take 4 hours to make the food, buy the food and tidy up the house. He said he knows and actually he does wish I wouldn't spend so much effort to make it and he does want to help but it's just all done by the time he arrives (I just want to make it first so I don't look like really sweaty and a mess in the kitchen) he told me next time just start cooking when he is there and he will help as much as possible.

 

He said that he really likes me. I told him that strangers give me more compliments than he does and it would be nice if I got some compliments at home. He agreed that sometimes he can be thoughtless and actually his parents used to complain a lot how he wasn't considerate. He said maybe because he was the youngest in the family he always got away with a lot.

 

I asked him about his previous relationships. He said he has had 4 girlfriends none of which lasted more than one year. He broke up with them for various reasons like LDR, or just not the right girl, or for going behind his back. He asked me about my ex and I told him that he had been the most amazing and wonderful boyfriend you could have asked for (which is true) and he felt kind of bad. I told him my ex used to treat me like a queen and was very considerate.

 

I was this close to calling it a day. But I felt better that I got it off my chest. I will try again for another week or so. But I will still have my options open I guess

[SawtoothMars]

Told him yesterday I didn't feel like making food today. So we went out instead.

I told him that it's been one month and I felt that sometimes he could be more thoughtful and considerate. I told him how his comment about my tummy was not cool and it actually really hurt. He knows that it was a bad comment from my reaction last time and he looked really ashamed. And I brought up the fact that my friend offered me water whilst he had not and drank it all. he said sorry he was a bad boyfriend. He felt pretty crappy afterwards.

I told him that when he came over I usually take 4 hours to make the food, buy the food and tidy up the house. He said he knows and actually he does wish I wouldn't spend so much effort to make it and he does want to help but it's just all done by the time he arrives (I just want to make it first so I don't look like really sweaty and a mess in the kitchen) he told me next time just start cooking when he is there and he will help as much as possible.

He said that he really likes me. I told him that strangers give me more compliments than he does and it would be nice if I got some compliments at home. He agreed that sometimes he can be thoughtless and actually his parents used to complain a lot how he wasn't considerate. He said maybe because he was the youngest in the family he always got away with a lot.

I asked him about his previous relationships. He said he has had 4 girlfriends none of which lasted more than one year. He broke up with them for various reasons like LDR, or just not the right girl, or for going behind his back. He asked me about my ex and I told him that he had been the most amazing and wonderful boyfriend you could have asked for (which is true) and he felt kind of bad. I told him my ex used to treat me like a queen and was very considerate.

I was this close to calling it a day. But I felt better that I got it off my chest. I will try again for another week or so. But I will still have my options open I guess

 

This guy is emotionally retarded. If you like him... then you are going to have to put a lot of effort into communicating with him. His default mode is going to be neglectful and oblivious. However, you can probably make things work if you stay on him and push a bit.

 

Up to you whether it's worth the effort.

[No_Go]

Well, good that you stepped up. But honestly, you went over the top with telling how great your ex was. Also, the "request" for more compliments sounds very immature... Anyway, at least you get it off your chest, which is great, I'm curious is this going to be a make or break moment for this relationship.

 

Told him yesterday I didn't feel like making food today. So we went out instead.

 

I told him that it's been one month and I felt that sometimes he could be more thoughtful and considerate. I told him how his comment about my tummy was not cool and it actually really hurt. He knows that it was a bad comment from my reaction last time and he looked really ashamed. And I brought up the fact that my friend offered me water whilst he had not and drank it all. he said sorry he was a bad boyfriend. He felt pretty crappy afterwards.

 

I told him that when he came over I usually take 4 hours to make the food, buy the food and tidy up the house. He said he knows and actually he does wish I wouldn't spend so much effort to make it and he does want to help but it's just all done by the time he arrives (I just want to make it first so I don't look like really sweaty and a mess in the kitchen) he told me next time just start cooking when he is there and he will help as much as possible.

 

He said that he really likes me. I told him that strangers give me more compliments than he does and it would be nice if I got some compliments at home. He agreed that sometimes he can be thoughtless and actually his parents used to complain a lot how he wasn't considerate. He said maybe because he was the youngest in the family he always got away with a lot.

 

I asked him about his previous relationships. He said he has had 4 girlfriends none of which lasted more than one year. He broke up with them for various reasons like LDR, or just not the right girl, or for going behind his back. He asked me about my ex and I told him that he had been the most amazing and wonderful boyfriend you could have asked for (which is true) and he felt kind of bad. I told him my ex used to treat me like a queen and was very considerate.

 

I was this close to calling it a day. But I felt better that I got it off my chest. I will try again for another week or so. But I will still have my options open I guess

[Gaeta]

Well, good that you stepped up. But honestly, you went over the top with telling how great your ex was. Also, the "request" for more compliments sounds very immature... Anyway, at least you get it off your chest, which is great, I'm curious is this going to be a make or break moment for this relationship.

 

 

I am glad she told him her exs treated her like a queen.

 

That will show him there are better men out there and if he doesn't get his shyt together she'll move on. You keep a woman with honey, not vinegar.

[katiegrl]

Well, good that you stepped up. But honestly, you went over the top with telling how great your ex was. Also, the "request" for more compliments sounds very immature... Anyway, at least you get it off your chest, which is great, I'm curious is this going to be a make or break moment for this relationship.

 

Well....you know the saying "you teach people how to treat you."

 

Mostly that means teaching through your actions, but I suppose in some cases, like firefly's, it's meant more literally -- like she literally has to TEACH him how to treat her, like he's a student, and never learned what's appropriate/not appropriate and how to make a women feel special and cherished ....so she will have to TELL him so he learns.

 

If she is okay in that role, more power to her. He's kinda old to be learning all this for the first time, IMO, but it's worth a shot I spose...if she's up to the job.

 

I wouldn't be!

Edited August 4, 2015 by katiegrl

[No_Go]

You could be right, Katie and Gaeta.

 

I never feel "entitled" to be treated "as a queen" as being the woman in the relationship, but considering my own relationship problems, I tend to think my strategy is not the best one.

 

I am curious if the strategy of Firefly will work. As we all agree, it is a strength of her to step up. Maybe she'll "fix" her bf immaturity, or get rid of a loser... In any case better than crying from being under-appreciated as she mentioned...

 

I am glad she told him her exs treated her like a queen.

 

That will show him there are better men out there and if he doesn't get his shyt together she'll move on. You keep a woman with honey, not vinegar.

 

 

Well....you know the saying "you teach people how to treat you."

 

Mostly that means teaching through your actions, but I suppose in some cases, like firefly's, it's meant more literally -- like she literally has to TEACH him how to treat her, like he's a student, and never learned what's appropriate/not appropriate and how to make a women feel special and cherished ....so she will have to TELL him so he learns.

 

If she is okay in that role, more power to her. He's kinda old to be learning all this for the first time, IMO, but it's worth a shot I spose...if she's up to the job.

 

I wouldn't be!