Is he cheap?

[azjane85331]

If he's bringing Caymus or Silver Oak or Cakebread with him when he comes for dinner (you said he brings wine), you should be calling those meals as greatly in his favor, not yours.

 

Any bottle that makes up for his meal (which is most, really) breaks it even.

 

She doesn't drink. He's contributing to his dinner, not hers.

[RoseVille]

She doesn't drink. He's contributing to his dinner, not hers.

 

Does it matter?

 

Do they split the bill based on what they had? "You had the lobster, I had chicken"? No. As a committed couple, you share the costs of enjoying a meal together.

[beyond]

It's happened to me (check came while I was in the restroom, he waited and and didn't pay...LET me pay, didn't even suggest splitting), and I never saw him again.

 

Awful. Good riddance to him.

[beyond]

Does it matter?

 

Do they split the bill based on what they had? "You had the lobster, I had chicken"? No. As a committed couple, you share the costs of enjoying a meal together.

 

No, the point is, when she cooks for him (buys ingredients, spends her time cooking it etc) he, knowing she doesn't drink, chooses to bring wine as his contribution to the meal!!

Selfish and thoughtless imo

[RoseVille]

No, the point is, when she cooks for him (buys ingredients, spends her time cooking it etc) he, knowing she doesn't drink, chooses to bring wine as his contribution to the meal!!

Selfish and thoughtless imo

 

Meh. I don't think so. Wine is part of the meal. It's not a his meal and her meal. It's the meal, one meal they share together.

 

It's like saying he's not contributing to the meal because he brought meat to grill when she's a vegetarian. She ought to be providing it as the host.

[Popsicle]

I think that you need to make a budget for yourself and figure out what you realistically have to spend on yourself alone for food (without factoring him into it at all) and then figure out if you have any extra left over to cover him too, and stick with that. Never go outside of your budget. Write your budget down and let him know that you are on one now if you need to.

[beyond]

Meh. I don't think so. Wine is part of the meal. It's not a his meal and her meal. It's the meal, one meal they share together.

 

It's like saying he's not contributing to the meal because he brought meat to grill when she's a vegetarian. She ought to be providing it as the host.

 

I disagree. If I'm a guest and someone is nice enough to invite me over to cook for me (whether its a bf or a friend) I would bring something I could either share with them or to give to them completely. If I know there is something they don't like then I don't bring it, or would bring something in addition that they would enjoy.

 

To me, that is good manners.

[katiegrl]

It's happened to me (check came while I was in the restroom, he waited and and didn't pay...LET me pay, didn't even suggest splitting), and I never saw him again.

 

Agree with beyond, good riddance.

 

But next time that happens, instead of feeling awkward/embarrassed to the point you feel you need to pay, just politely excuse yourself from the table and then walk out.

 

I would have absolutely no problem doing that whatsoever.

 

Yeah it's kinda rude, but so is HIM asking you out and then letting the check sit there until YOU pay.

 

I mean it's not like I have any intention of seeing him again anyway...so who cares.

 

Call his bluff and just walk out.

 

I think men do it because they know the woman will cave and pay. So ladies, stop caving!

 

Men really need to learn common courtesy and manners. When a man asks a woman out on a date, he pays.

 

If she asked him, okay it could be argued that she should pay. But if he asked her? Come on guys, you know better, or you should.

 

Once they've been on a few dates, she can start initiating (and paying). But the first date?

 

Come on now guys....

[beyond]

Agree with beyond, good riddance.

 

But next time that happens, instead of feeling awkward/embarrassed to the point you feel you need to pay, just politely excuse yourself from the table and then walk out.

 

I would have absolutely no problem doing that whatsoever.

 

Yeah it's kinda rude, but so is HIM asking you out and then letting the check sit there until YOU pay.

 

I mean it's not like I have any intention of seeing him again anyway...so who cares.

 

Call his bluff and just walk out.

 

I think men do it because they know the woman will cave and pay. So ladies, stop caving!

 

Men really need to learn common courtesy and manners. When a man asks a woman out on a date, he pays.

 

If she asked him, okay it could be argued that she should pay. But if he asked her? Come on guys, you know better, or you should.

 

Once they've been on a few dates, she can start initiating (and paying). But the first date?

 

Come on now guys....

 

Lol, I'm English, I hate talking about money! I hope the situation above never happens to me, but if it does, I hope I remember your words Katie.

[katiegrl]

I disagree. If I'm a guest and someone is nice enough to invite me over to cook for me (whether its a bf or a friend) I would bring something I could either share with them or to give to them completely. If I know there is something they don't like then I don't bring it, or would bring something in addition that they would enjoy.

 

To me, that is good manners.

 

I agree beyond. If someone invited me to dinner and I knew they did not drink, I would never bring wine or any type of alcohol.

 

Unless it was for ME to drink, which defeats the whole purpose of bringing a gift for the host gracious enough to invite me to dinner!

 

Something more thoughtful that I know the host would enjoy and appreciate would be what I would bring ....not something for myself!

[firefly1]

There are also a few other things which point to me as being thoughtless or inconsiderate. I feel like I need to get it off my chest tonight when he comes over.

 

1) He has never complimented me except that 'you look nice'.

2) He once said to me if I toned up my belly I would be sexier (I am already very slim and don't have much belly at all) he said it would be nice if I had a six pack. This is coming from someone who does have a belly. This was when we were making out.

3) He never offered me water at this event. He was thirsty, he bought water and drank it all himself. And in the past I have always bought him water or shared mine.

4) He lets me hold the basket of heavy groceries if we go shopping- and these are HIS groceries.

5) the first few times I cooked, he didn't say it was good, he had a few criticisms where it could have been better.

6) he has never tried to treat me or surprise me (we have only dated for two months so it's pretty early still)

7) It took him until the 8th date to kiss me.

8) He never dresses up for me or for dates. Always wears t shirts and shorts. He is not young btw.

9) he gets me to pick the restaurant each time because he forgets to find one.

10) he doesn't help me wash the dishes after I cook. He leaves them in the sink or he will help out initially and then when I come over he leaves them for me to do.

11) He doesn't eat carbs or a lot of sugar. If I want to eat them he will say 'that's a lot of carbs, no?' i have a healthy approach to meals and eat very healthily but he will criticise me if I'm eating too much cabbage for example because these are carbs.

 

Are these things fixable? We have only dated for two months. He is also 11 years older than me.

Edited August 3, 2015 by firefly1

[Gaeta]

There are also a few other things which point to me as being thoughtless or inconsiderate. I feel like I need to get it off my chest tonight when he comes over.

 

1) He has never complimented me except that 'you look nice'.

2) He once said to me if I toned up my belly I would be sexier (I am already very slim and don't have much belly at all) he said it would be nice if I had a six pack. This is coming from someone who does have a belly. This was when we were making out.

3) He never offered me water at this event. He was thirsty, he bought water and drank it all himself. And in the past I have always bought him water or shared mine.

4) He lets me hold the basket of heavy groceries if we go shopping- and these are HIS groceries.

5) the first few times I cooked, he didn't say it was good, he had a few criticisms where it could have been better.

6) he has never tried to treat me or surprise me (we have only dated for two months so it's pretty early still)

7) It took him until the 8th date to kiss me.

8) He never dresses up for me or for dates. Always wears t shirts and shorts. He is not young btw.

9) he gets me to pick the restaurant each time because he forgets to find one.

10) he doesn't help me wash the dishes after I cook. He leaves them in the sink or he will help out initially and then when I come over he leaves them for me to do.

11) He doesn't eat carbs or a lot of sugar. If I want to eat them he will say 'that's a lot of carbs, no?' i have a healthy approach to meals and eat very healthily but he will criticise me if I'm eating too much cabbage for example because these are carbs.

 

Are these things fixable? We have only dated for two months. He is also 11 years older than me.

 

Are you out of your mind??? Why do you date such a hypocrite and loser??? 2 months in he should be worshiping the ground you walk on and 11 years older he should be thanking his lucky star each night you give him ANY attention.

 

Fixable? NO, you can't turn crass into gold.

[firefly1]

I'm actually feeling really upset about this now. I hate feeling this way. I've been crying this morning because I feel underappreciated.

 

I don't know how to approach this tonight.

[rester]

Based on your last few posts, and especially post 61, you deserve better. Him being cheap is the least of your problems. He completely lacks common courtesy.

 

How does he treat other people? Does he have friends? I wouldn't be friends with someone like this.

 

I can't imagine having someone to cook for me and not offering to pay for groceries and/or bringing a dessert or appetizer or something that contributes to the evening. If he's the only one drinking wine, that doesn't count as a contribution, in my opinion. It's on the same level as bringing a cigar for himself.

[Leigh 87]

There are also a few other things which point to me as being thoughtless or inconsiderate. I feel like I need to get it off my chest tonight when he comes over.

 

1) He has never complimented me except that 'you look nice'.

2) He once said to me if I toned up my belly I would be sexier (I am already very slim and don't have much belly at all) he said it would be nice if I had a six pack. This is coming from someone who does have a belly. This was when we were making out.

3) He never offered me water at this event. He was thirsty, he bought water and drank it all himself. And in the past I have always bought him water or shared mine.

4) He lets me hold the basket of heavy groceries if we go shopping- and these are HIS groceries.

5) the first few times I cooked, he didn't say it was good, he had a few criticisms where it could have been better.

6) he has never tried to treat me or surprise me (we have only dated for two months so it's pretty early still)

7) It took him until the 8th date to kiss me.

8) He never dresses up for me or for dates. Always wears t shirts and shorts. He is not young btw.

9) he gets me to pick the restaurant each time because he forgets to find one.

10) he doesn't help me wash the dishes after I cook. He leaves them in the sink or he will help out initially and then when I come over he leaves them for me to do.

11) He doesn't eat carbs or a lot of sugar. If I want to eat them he will say 'that's a lot of carbs, no?' i have a healthy approach to meals and eat very healthily but he will criticise me if I'm eating too much cabbage for example because these are carbs.

 

Are these things fixable? We have only dated for two months. He is also 11 years older than me.

 

He just isn't that into you.

 

Sorry.

 

And he is a lazy and not generous with his time or efforts.

 

Do you really think that you can't do better ?

 

And 8 dates to kiss you points to low attraction. If a guy feels the spark and he feels very sexually attracted to you, he will usually find it super hard to resist you....

 

The fact he also doesn't compliment you or tell you how sexy you are is a real issue too and just reiterates that he feels Ho hum about you and your appearance.

 

The men who felt attracted to me couldn't help but blurt out that I was gorgeous.

 

He sounds like a really hapless man. Lacks generosity. ..doesn't want to treat his girlfriend.... doesn't declare to her how lucky he is to have her.....

 

He sounds like he just exists and feels no need to have any kind of zest in his relationships. .....

 

I'd get rid......

 

or else... All I have to say is.... " enjoy"

[beyond]

There are also a few other things which point to me as being thoughtless or inconsiderate. I feel like I need to get it off my chest tonight when he comes over.

 

1) He has never complimented me except that 'you look nice'.

2) He once said to me if I toned up my belly I would be sexier (I am already very slim and don't have much belly at all) he said it would be nice if I had a six pack. This is coming from someone who does have a belly. This was when we were making out.

3) He never offered me water at this event. He was thirsty, he bought water and drank it all himself. And in the past I have always bought him water or shared mine.

4) He lets me hold the basket of heavy groceries if we go shopping- and these are HIS groceries.

5) the first few times I cooked, he didn't say it was good, he had a few criticisms where it could have been better.

6) he has never tried to treat me or surprise me (we have only dated for two months so it's pretty early still)

7) It took him until the 8th date to kiss me.

8) He never dresses up for me or for dates. Always wears t shirts and shorts. He is not young btw.

9) he gets me to pick the restaurant each time because he forgets to find one.

10) he doesn't help me wash the dishes after I cook. He leaves them in the sink or he will help out initially and then when I come over he leaves them for me to do.

11) He doesn't eat carbs or a lot of sugar. If I want to eat them he will say 'that's a lot of carbs, no?' i have a healthy approach to meals and eat very healthily but he will criticise me if I'm eating too much cabbage for example because these are carbs.

 

Are these things fixable? We have only dated for two months. He is also 11 years older than me.

 

Oh Firefly! Why are you putting up with this? On the first date he showed you who he really was (asking you out then leaving you to pay the bill) and your above post shows he has carried on being the ill mannered, mean oaf he is.

 

I would normally advocate talking and telling him how you feel but I seriously feel this is a lost cause. I can't believe he thinks any of what he is doing is ok!!! Don't let him get away with this for one second longer.

 

When he comes over for the meal, hand him a leaflet for the local take away and say goodbye!

[Candygirljane]

I guess so. I could stop cooking for him.

 

The other thing is, I paid for our first date (the whole bill)and he was the one who asked me out. I paid and he let me.

 

nice point, that's why i only like someone older, not just cuz they are more sophisticated. the biggest reason's they are financially stable! i don't have to worry about the check bill and i'd like to bring them gifts

[firefly1]

nice point, that's why i only like someone older, not just cuz they are more sophisticated. the biggest reason's they are financially stable! i don't have to worry about the check bill and i'd like to bring them gifts

 

This guy IS older. He is 40, single, never married. Over a decade older than me and I've dated guys way more mature than him who are younger than me.

 

And I am not short of guys asking me out. That happens a lot in person as I do a lot of social activities. I have strangers complimenting me and this guy I'm dating doesn't!!!

[angel.eyes]

So why are you with him? What am I missing here? I don't understand why you're dating him when you feel he treats you so shabbily.

[guest569]

There are also a few other things which point to me as being thoughtless or inconsiderate. I feel like I need to get it off my chest tonight when he comes over.

 

1) He has never complimented me except that 'you look nice'.

2) He once said to me if I toned up my belly I would be sexier (I am already very slim and don't have much belly at all) he said it would be nice if I had a six pack. This is coming from someone who does have a belly. This was when we were making out.

3) He never offered me water at this event. He was thirsty, he bought water and drank it all himself. And in the past I have always bought him water or shared mine.

4) He lets me hold the basket of heavy groceries if we go shopping- and these are HIS groceries.

5) the first few times I cooked, he didn't say it was good, he had a few criticisms where it could have been better.

6) he has never tried to treat me or surprise me (we have only dated for two months so it's pretty early still)

7) It took him until the 8th date to kiss me.

8) He never dresses up for me or for dates. Always wears t shirts and shorts. He is not young btw.

9) he gets me to pick the restaurant each time because he forgets to find one.

10) he doesn't help me wash the dishes after I cook. He leaves them in the sink or he will help out initially and then when I come over he leaves them for me to do.

11) He doesn't eat carbs or a lot of sugar. If I want to eat them he will say 'that's a lot of carbs, no?' i have a healthy approach to meals and eat very healthily but he will criticise me if I'm eating too much cabbage for example because these are carbs.

 

Are these things fixable? We have only dated for two months. He is also 11 years older than me.

 

OMG, ditch this guy. YES HE IS Cheap, lazy and inconsiderate. Asking you out for the first date and making you pay. Never cooking for you or providing any food. This is probably a good indication of how he would be in a relationship or marriage. A leech if you out ask me. That would really bother me. My exes used to cook half the time and always offered to do the dishes if i had cooked. Or they would bring food or wine over. It would tick me off too if i was you, too one sided.

[HereNorThere]

Oh stop it. From you guys' tone it sounds likes he's been beating her mercilessly, when in all honesty, he just sounds kinda socially awkward. You haven't really listed anything that malicious. I also don't think you're factoring in the age difference properly. It's a pretty decent age gap, so you probably see things a little differently and are accustomed to different ways of life.

 

Geez, lesson learned on this side. There's a lot attached to splitting that tab, huh. I'll just keep paying and avoid this mess.

[guest569]

Oh stop it. From you guys' tone it sounds likes he's been beating her mercilessly, when in all honesty, he just sounds kinda socially awkward. You haven't really listed anything that malicious. I also don't think you're factoring in the age difference properly. It's a pretty decent age gap, so you probably see things a little differently and are accustomed to different ways of life.

 

Geez, lesson learned on this side. There's a lot attached to splitting that tab, huh. I'll just keep paying and avoid this mess.

 

Who wants a socially awkward 40yo that cant cook or pull his weight. Next.

[HereNorThere]

Who wants a socially awkward 40yo that cant cook or pull his weight. Next.

 

Oh I totally agree. I didn't say he sounded that attractive, I just don't think he's as bad as everyone is making him out to be. These last couple pages on the thread have really been diving in the shallow end.

 

On another note, he's so old you could probably get discounts with him if you show up at restaurants early, so that's a plus. I just don't get how she would think she would have anything in common with a person that much older than her to begin with, but to each their own.

[elaine567]

He is using you firefly1.

He is taking advantage of your good nature and using his "seniority" to essentially bully you and make you feel bad about yourself whilst contributing little to your quality of life.

You give, he takes - you are unhappy, he is happy.

It is not a good dynamic.

 

He is essentially selfish, at 40 he is not going to change anytime soon.

You can spend your life pandering to his wishes, whilst he ignores your needs, or you can walk away.

[guest569]

Oh I totally agree. I didn't say he sounded that attractive, I just don't think he's as bad as everyone is making him out to be. These last couple pages on the thread have really been diving in the shallow end.

 

On another note, he's so old you could probably get discounts with him if you show up at restaurants early, so that's a plus. I just don't get how she would think she would have anything in common with a person that much older than her to begin with, but to each their own.

 

Perhaps I am being harsh but only because the first few pages were excusing him and saying it was petty or nitpicking of OP. I can see these behaviours as a bad sign of what he would be like down the track. IF he isn't even bothering with romance or making any sort of effort at just 2 months in, and OP is accepting and tolerating it, it ticks me off. You can do better.