elaine567 Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 I guess it is not so much about paying the bill, unless the OP is struggling financially, as it is about the effort put into this relationship, that is causing the friction. So whilst this is ostensibly about money, I doubt that is the real issue. There she is, planning a meal, grocery shopping, preparing and cooking the meal. He shows up with perhaps a bottle of wine, sits there, scoffs it and leaves. -> NO work put in on his part. Next date, meal out, he sits there, scoffs it, asks her to pay half and leaves. -> NO work put in on his part.
Author firefly1 Posted August 2, 2015 Author Posted August 2, 2015 Okay yes I'm more disappointed that he didn't pay the bill when I was in the bathroom. I didn't go to the bathroom on purpose but it would have been nice if when the bill came he would have gotten it instead of waiting for me to come back to pay it. And I think him asking to split the bill was more like an invitation for me to pay it judging from his happy reaction. I guess I was hoping he would pay it since I made him dinner last time ( and this was at his request). He knows how much the ingredients cost. He doesn't cook himself. He brings wine but he drinks all of it as I don't drink. If I provide the wine then he also drinks all of that. His gifts cost about $10 each time. Taxi fares are usually $8. The meals out are usually $70and roughly equal cost each time. I am not a stingy person but I want someone who is generous in spirit and also not stingy. We probably both earn about the same or he earns more than me since he has been working for 18 years and I've been working for 3. Also he has requested that I make him another dinner for tomorrow night. He will bring whatever I ask him to like drinks but it won't be more than that. He has never offered to pay for groceries either.
fitnessfan365 Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 I think the guy just lacks the consideration to play gentleman. Being a "gentleman" is based on how a guy treats a woman and has nothing to do w-his wallet. Women that associate being a gentleman w-a guy always paying are cheap themselves IMO. I think the real issue w-women who've been posting about cheap boyfriends, is that they're not used to pulling their own weight in a relationship. They go into a relationship with the dating mindset that the guy will still be paying for everything. Then when it turns into relationship and the guy suddenly expects her to start chipping in, she says that he's "cheap". Yet up until that point, she was never paying for anything. Ironic isn't it? LOL
katiegrl Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 (edited) I guess it is not so much about paying the bill, unless the OP is struggling financially, as it is about the effort put into this relationship, that is causing the friction. So whilst this is ostensibly about money, I doubt that is the real issue. There she is, planning a meal, grocery shopping, preparing and cooking the meal. He shows up with perhaps a bottle of wine, sits there, scoffs it and leaves. -> NO work put in on his part. Next date, meal out, he sits there, scoffs it, asks her to pay half and leaves. -> NO work put in on his part. I agree! That is why when he asked if she wanted to split the bill, she might have said what I suggested above "no I was hoping you would get it this time," -- the message being, I need you to step up a little bit more in this relationship! Instead of offering to pay for both of them and resenting him for accepting. You want him to step up more, let him know! Without sounding like a demanding shrew. You were given the perfect opportunity to do just that here...but you chose not to and now are here complaining about it. He is your boyfriend.... let HIM know how you feel. Good luck.... Edited August 2, 2015 by katiegrl
Author firefly1 Posted August 2, 2015 Author Posted August 2, 2015 I agree! That is why when he asked if she wanted to split the bill, she might have said what I suggested above "no I was hoping you would get it this time," -- the message being, I need you to step up a little bit more in this relationship! Instead of offering to pay for both of them and resenting him for accepting. You want him to step up more, let him know! Without demanding it. You were given the perfect opportunity to to just that here...but you chose not to and now in here complaining about it? He is your boyfriend.... let HIM know how you feel. Good luck.... But he paid last time for the dinner and last time I said I will pay this time. But in between I cooked him a hefty meal so I was hoping that would have counted as me paying.
katiegrl Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 (edited) But he paid last time for the dinner and last time I said I will pay this time. But in between I cooked him a hefty meal so I was hoping that would have counted as me paying. Okay, now THAT is petty imo.....sorry. Maybe stop cooking him hefty (elaborate) meals so much. Especially since you expect certain things back from him in response...and are going to resent him for not giving them. Problem solved.... Edited August 2, 2015 by katiegrl
elaine567 Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 The other issue here, is the OP is not producing meals because she just wants to, he is now requesting the meals... He sees he is on to a good thing. OP, Katiegirl is right, if you feel aggrieved tell him, tell him the hours you spend making those meals, and how much they cost you, tell him he is not pulling his weight here, and tell HIM to get the bill, when you feel he owes you.
Author firefly1 Posted August 2, 2015 Author Posted August 2, 2015 I guess so. I could stop cooking for him. The other thing is, I paid for our first date (the whole bill)and he was the one who asked me out. I paid and he let me.
katiegrl Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 The other issue here, is the OP is not producing meals because she just wants to, he is now requesting the meals... He sees he is on to a good thing. OP, Katiegirl is right, if you feel aggrieved tell him, tell him the hours you spend making those meals, and how much they cost you, tell him he is not pulling his weight here, and tell HIM to get the bill, when you feel he owes you. Agree. I mean, if HE has the balls to ask you to split, you can gather the *balls* to say "no thanks hon, I'd prefer YOU get it this time.". With a wink and a smile of course. That is how I would handle it anyway. Works like a charm.
katiegrl Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 I guess so. I could stop cooking for him. The other thing is, I paid for our first date (the whole bill)and he was the one who asked me out. I paid and he let me. Sweetie, you do realize you have created this *monster* (so to speak), don't you? You keep buying groceries and cooking elaborate meals for him, offering to pay for both of you on dates = you are allowing him to be financially lazy, if in fact that is what you believe he is. Just stop doing that.... stop allowing it, right? 3
beyond Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 I guess so. I could stop cooking for him. The other thing is, I paid for our first date (the whole bill)and he was the one who asked me out. I paid and he let me. Now THAT says a lot, he asks you out on first date and lets you pay. Not good. I do understand what you are saying op - the whole waiting until you get back from the bathroom to ask if you want to split the bill??? He should have gone up and paid it. No, of course not everytime and of course if he was earning less than you or there were some financial problems then maybe cut down on meals out or go to cheaper places. But I think things like asking you to cook a meal and just bringing wine (he must know by now that you don't drink so why not bring something else as well??!)waiting for you to come back from bathroom instead of just paying bill just smacks of being mean spirited. I guess you need to cut back on cooking for him if you are feeling a bit 'used' or cut down on the cost of a meal. I'm not sure this is the point though. I love cooking and for me, I do it as an expression of love for people I care for, so to not do it would feel wrong as its not a 'pounds and pence' thing, more a lack of thoughtfulness on his part.
regine_phalange Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 By the way I think it's weird that's he's requesting that you cook for him. What are you, his mom? Or is he sexist (when it suits him)? 2
fitnessfan365 Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 The other thing is, I paid for our first date (the whole bill)and he was the one who asked me out. I paid and he let me. Now I will admit, that is bad. I'd never let a woman pay for a first date. My main gripe is w-women who expect for a guy to pay for everything when they're in a relationship. After all, a relationship involves two people. But when you're only dating (especially the first three dates), it's standard for the guy to pay.
katiegrl Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 Now I will admit, that is bad. I'd never let a woman pay for a first date. My main gripe is w-women who expect for a guy to pay for everything when they're in a relationship. After all, a relationship involves two people. But when you're only dating (especially the first three dates), it's standard for the guy to pay. I agree, but what I don't get is .... if a woman feels that way, which is fine, then why offer to pay in the first place...like firefly did? Only to resent him later for accepting? This makes absolutely no sense to me! It's passive-aggressive all the way.
beyond Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 I agree, but what I don't get is .... if a woman feels that way, which is fine, then why offer to pay in the first place...like firefly did? Only to resent him later for accepting? This makes absolutely no sense to me! It's passive-aggressive all the way. Well, because just picture it - first date, you don't really know each other at all, the bill comes, he makes no move. At some point someone has to pick it up. I always get my purse out (and would pay, just would feel a bit put out on first date!) and then the guy ALWAYS says, 'no, I'll get this'. If a guy let me pay on a first date when he had asked me out, I'm not sure there would be a second date. Again, this is not to do with the money itself - just shows a certain meanness to me.
Amalyn Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 I think on a first date, whoever does the asking out/inviting should be the one to pay.
katiegrl Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 (edited) Well, because just picture it - first date, you don't really know each other at all, the bill comes, he makes no move. At some point someone has to pick it up. I always get my purse out (and would pay, just would feel a bit put out on first date!) and then the guy ALWAYS says, 'no, I'll get this'. If a guy let me pay on a first date when he had asked me out, I'm not sure there would be a second date. Again, this is not to do with the money itself - just shows a certain meanness to me. That's fine, knowing me, I would just let the check sit there .....HE will figure it out eventually and pay. I don't allow myself to be manipulated into paying like that....awkward moment or not. If he does not figure it out, then I guess he will be washing some dishes then. lol And no second date with me either. I must say, I have never been placed in this position.... as the guys I have dated just automatically picked up the tab on the first date, there was no guessing about it, no awkward moment. Edited August 2, 2015 by katiegrl 1
beyond Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 That's fine, knowing me, I would just let the check sit there .....HE will figure it out eventually and pay. I don't allow myself to be manipulated into paying like that....awkward moment or not. If he does not figure it out, then I guess he will be washing some dishes then. lol And no second date with me either. I must say, I have never been placed in this position.... as the guys I have dated just automatically picked up the tab on the first date, there was no guessing about it, no awkward moment. Ha, that's cool. I would like to think I would do that too, but know I would probably cave in with embarrassment,especially if the waiter was hovering! Like you though, that's never happened to me. In fact, on all dates even in long term relationships, the guys I've been with have always paid. So much so that I would get into arguements with them about the fact I wanted to pay my way! As I often cooked for bfs (my choice, I enjoy it) they would always answer along the lines of 'you are always cooking and doing things for me - I got this'
katiegrl Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 (edited) Ha, that's cool. I would like to think I would do that too, ----- ****but know I would probably cave in with embarrassment,especially if the waiter was hovering!***** ---- Like you though, that's never happened to me. In fact, on all dates even in long term relationships, the guys I've been with have always paid. So much so that I would get into arguements with them about the fact I wanted to pay my way! As I often cooked for bfs (my choice, I enjoy it) they would always answer along the lines of 'you are always cooking and doing things for me - I got this' LOL, maybe I am living in an alternative reality, but are there actually guys out there really this lame? They ask a girl out, the check comes, sits on the table, the waiter is hovering .... and he is just gonna sit there like a lame duck waiting for the woman to feel so embarrassed that she pays? Good gawd, what is happening to the young men in our society? Where are they learning this is acceptable behavior? Boggles the mind .....seriously. Edited August 2, 2015 by katiegrl 1
smackie9 Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 I guess so. I could stop cooking for him. The other thing is, I paid for our first date (the whole bill)and he was the one who asked me out. I paid and he let me. Wow.............that right there should have been an indication of what he is like....first impressions count. 1
smackie9 Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 I must say, I have never been placed in this position.... as the guys I have dated just automatically picked up the tab on the first date, there was no guessing about it, no awkward moment. Me neither.
Amalyn Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 I must say, I have never been placed in this position.... as the guys I have dated just automatically picked up the tab on the first date, there was no guessing about it, no awkward moment. Luckily, neither have I. Anytime I've gone out on a first date, as soon as the server laid the bill down, the guy has always picked it up. If it sat there long enough, I would eventually pick it up and pay. Not sure how I'd feel about that if he was the one who asked me out. Once we've been out a few more times, I will pay the bill or at least offer.
beyond Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 LOL, maybe I am living in an alternative reality, but are there actually guys out there really this lame? They ask a girl out, the check comes, sits on the table, the waiter is hovering .... and he is just gonna sit there like a lame duck waiting for the woman to feel so embarrassed that she pays? Good gawd, what is happening to the young men in our society? Where are they learning this is acceptable behavior? Boggles the mind .....seriously. I know, I seriously worry sometimes coming on LS hearing stories like the OP's together with SOME men on here saying 'hey, women should pay'. Then I go back into the real world and never encounter such problems thank goodness! Maybe the problem is the lack of fathers in some young peoples lives now - not around so can't teach/show their sons how to treat a women anymore?
RoseVille Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 (edited) If he's bringing Caymus or Silver Oak or Cakebread with him when he comes for dinner (you said he brings wine), you should be calling those meals as greatly in his favor, not yours. Any bottle that makes up for his meal (which is most, really) breaks it even. Edited August 2, 2015 by RoseVille
RoseVille Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 That's fine, knowing me, I would just let the check sit there .....HE will figure it out eventually and pay. I don't allow myself to be manipulated into paying like that....awkward moment or not. If he does not figure it out, then I guess he will be washing some dishes then. lol And no second date with me either. I must say, I have never been placed in this position.... as the guys I have dated just automatically picked up the tab on the first date, there was no guessing about it, no awkward moment. It's happened to me (check came while I was in the restroom, he waited and and didn't pay...LET me pay, didn't even suggest splitting), and I never saw him again.
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