Asked my gf (for sex). - update

[xxoo]

There's plenty of room for improvement. Bold is good, but so is smooth.

[losangelena]

I just went back and re-read the comments here. So a quick question: I'm meeting the French woman for goodbye coffee next week. You remember, the one who kept saying we should go out but never accepted any of my plans. Should I ask her if she wants to have sex with me before I go? It had crossed my mind.

 

Ya know, I dunno ...

 

Last year I had a brief sexual relationship with a guy, and on our first date he was already kind of pawing around the idea of it just being sexual. He never said, "let's have sex," or "do you want to have sex," but it was barely less subtle. I didn't really hesitate. Maybe it was the place I was in when it happened, or the fact that we had kind of insane chemistry. I just closed my eyes and dove in. The sex ended up being insane as well (insane as in good).

 

Anywho ... I think there's a slightly not so blunt way to get your desires across. Something tells me you could figure out exact wording on your own.

[kenmore]

Thank you Angelina. It's nice to hear so many variations of opinions. You may know how she's feeling right now. Different approaches, similar feelings IMO.

 

xxoo, I totally appreciate your perspective. You are thinking like I was, that pushing the romance is not fair and since she's an adult, she can make her own decision from what she knows.

 

I don't mean to be cold toward anyone nor "crass" but nobody has really mattered to me since losing my wife. I have no desire to hurt people (especially this lady, she has been the epitome of kindness and understanding to me), but it's basically over. I thought going out in a fanfare of flames is better than just drifting apart and I don't think I could stand a sad goodbye date full of romance and feeling. I'm glad you were here to make me feel less of a disturbed freak. (what does that say about you? I think you're my kinda girl LOL!)

 

Jen, I appreciate that you have such a high opinion of me that you feel this is unworthy of my what? Vocabulary? Warmth? Diction? (haha, I said dic ) Sorry, that just came out. Maybe it belongs in the maturity thread.

 

I'm a little glad I said what I said. I'm a little glad I told my boss how I feel too. I'm getting a little tired of living my life with the "proper decorum and etiquette." There's a time and a place for everything and I needed to let it out last night. It may get me nowhere and if she never speaks to me again, that's likely coming down the pike anyway since I won't do another LDR. I have a sneaking suspicion I'll be hearing from her. The ball's in her court now since she needs to say the next thing.

 

I did learn that there are people here who actually care about me. If this whole incident does nothing else, it taught me that and I appreciate all of you who took their valuable time to respond, criticize, or berate me. It's all good!

 

Ken

[xxoo]

If I'd been dancing around sexual tension with an acquaintance and he suddenly announced he was moving, I'd probably suggest we get it on before he moves! Life is short and we're not kids anymore.

[Giggle]

Idk, I'm kind of a fan of his text. I'd say yes. I'm weird though.

[jen1447]

Jen, I appreciate that you have such a high opinion of me that you feel this is unworthy of my what? Vocabulary? Warmth? Diction? (haha, I said dic ) Sorry, that just came out. Maybe it belongs in the maturity thread.

 

You just seem like you have more decorum in general. Not a playa, a stand up guy.

 

"Wanna f*ck?" can be an awesome line but the fact is you have to be the right person in the right frame of mind in the right circumstance to say it. That's relatively few ppl, and most of them are women.

[PogoStick]

she'll do it. 20 bucks says they f*ck lol

 

Agreed. They'll bang like sailors on shore leave!

 

See, there are some romantic poets here.

 

If she didn't say no, it's a yes. Unless he takes the Donald Trump route and opens his mouth again.

[kenmore]

Agreed. They'll bang like sailors on shore leave!

 

See, there are some romantic poets here.

 

If she didn't say no, it's a yes. Unless he takes the Donald Trump route and opens his mouth again.

 

LOL OMG! Too funny!

 

Now don't be bashing my man Donald! He's gonna be your next president...unless he opens his mouth one too many times like Mitt did.

[kenmore]

You just seem like you have more decorum in general. Not a playa, a stand up guy.

 

"Wanna f*ck?" can be an awesome line but the fact is you have to be the right person in the right frame of mind in the right circumstance to say it. That's relatively few ppl, and most of them are women.

 

Thanks again Jen...we'll see if I was the right person and the right frame of mind. Agreed that it's mostly women as per my prior post. If you were to ask me, I don't think I would be offended but I'll never really know unless you ask...You would have to mean it though.

[kenmore]

Idk, I'm kind of a fan of his text. I'd say yes. I'm weird though.

 

Thanks giggle, it means a lot to me to have another woman saying that. It's kind of a man thing to high five a guy who says something like this but it takes some bravery for a woman to say she'd accept! FWIW, I don't think you're weird. One of the reasons I posted this was to get a feel for just how weird it was for me to say it and the more time that goes by and the more responses I get, the more I understand that it isn't.

 

If it's fair for a woman to ask me, I think it should be fair for me to ask a woman. She doesn't have to say yes, but she certainly may!

[Justanaverageguy]

xxoo, I totally appreciate your perspective. You are thinking like I was, that pushing the romance is not fair and since she's an adult, she can make her own decision from what she knows.

 

I don't mean to be cold toward anyone nor "crass" but nobody has really mattered to me since losing my wife. I have no desire to hurt people (especially this lady, she has been the epitome of kindness and understanding to me), but it's basically over. I thought going out in a fanfare of flames is better than just drifting apart and I don't think I could stand a sad goodbye date full of romance and feeling.

 

I'm a little glad I said what I said. I'm a little glad I told my boss how I feel too. I'm getting a little tired of living my life with the "proper decorum and etiquette." There's a time and a place for everything and I needed to let it out last night. It may get me nowhere and if she never speaks to me again, that's likely coming down the pike anyway since I won't do another LDR. I have a sneaking suspicion I'll be hearing from her. The ball's in her court now since she needs to say the next thing.

 

 

Hey Kenmore absolutely no issue at all with a guy becoming more direct and going after what you want. Lots of men these days tippy toe around the question for fear of offending the woman. Also I think its good you are up front and honest in conveying this is not going to be a relationship . I guess for me your post maybe came across as lazy or perhaps too "blunt" rather then direct. Maybe just a tip for the future. Direct and being honest about the fact your are leaving doesn't mean you can't still tease and flirt with the girl when proposing sex. You can convey its a one time thing without being crass. Simple example instead of saying "lets **** before I go" How about something like this instead:

 

So I've basically been wanting to tear your clothes off from the moment I saw you and I really don't think I could bare to leave without doing that at least once. How about my place tomorrow at 7 ? I'll supply the wine .... you supply the tear-able clothing

 

The girl absolutely knows that it is just for sex. She understands you are leaving and this is not going to be a relationship .... but you make her feel good about wanting to come over and have sex. It sounds like fun .... its a bit cheeky and she can visualize whats going to happen because you kind of painted a picture for her. Helps to set the mood and she still feels wanted, attractive and good about the whole thing.

 

Anyway just something to consider for future - either way hopefully it works out and you get your night of passion before you leave

[blueskyday]

If a guy said that to me, it wouldn't be cool. Instant turn off, BUT if I wanted him, then it's best to have him lean in and kiss me, and escalate to sex. Would probably work just fine.

 

Why ask to f#ck? Just go for it and see if she responds.

 

This whole "I'm leaving so let's do it," sounds like the lines guys used to give when they went off to war. not necessary.

Edited August 3, 2015 by blueskyday

[PogoStick]

One of the "dating gurus" pushes for an extremely blunt approach. This guy is about picking up girls in a bar and not interested in LTRs. He claims to tell a girl early in a conversation "I want to take you home, put my dk in your mouth, fk you, bend you over doggy style..."

 

At which point the girl is all outraged, calls him an ass, goes and tells her girlfriends how much he's an ass. Then, according to him, she will hunt him down an hour later, (admiring his confidence) "No man has ever talked to me like that, your place or mine..."

 

I think there are elements of truth, there are things women want sexually (like being "fkd") that conflict with social norms. Thus when actually confronted with this it throws her mind into discord and shock.

 

At the same time, you could have gone the seduction and romance route and still "fkd" her. It would have been a Romeo and Juliet story; two lovers separated by circumstance, socially celebrated, and thus avoid the social discord altogether.

[kenmore]

PogoStick, it's totally true that at an older age (not high school nor college anymore) women like to hear reality but put up defenses right off. I feel it's not actually a facade so much as a shocked first impression. It takes time for it to prey upon their (your) mind and it's almost impossible to forget.

 

I went out tonight with a woman I met in the grocery store yesterday. I took a "hey, it's not like I'll ever be here again so why not go for it" approach and just asked her out right in the booze dept. It's almost like fantasyland at Disneyland! lol

 

We talked and she said yes. we had a nice time! I like her a lot. So glad I asked. I didn't approach sex yet...too soon. I felt that if I did, it would have ended right there. I'm not even sure why I want to date now. I did tell her I'm leaving and it caused her some stress. I just feel life is taken day by day and we need to enjoy it every day, not put it off!

 

My friend (the one who was the victim of this post) who I have been seeing since March has a different feel. We have talked sexually and it just felt OK to bring it up. It turned out to be OK, she went on with me without losing a beat, and now it's "tossed out there." I still think it will happen before I go!

 

It's like you said, it's praying on her mind. She has been thinking about me being inside her for weeks now. She was thinking about it before I said that, now it's been forced down her throat (sorry if that analogy was too graphic.)

 

It's not that I'm insensitive to her needs. I have them too. Nothing ever mattered to me more than being faithful and true. It's just that it can't be like that now. It's time for something different! Something tangible.

 

blueskyday, I understand what you mean! I really do. We were texting though, so no leaning in nor kissing. If we were together, I wouldn't have said sh*t, I'd have just used actions if the situation was right. You're right, it was ugly. I felt the time was right for an ugly action. I knew it, I'm not dumb, it did feel like something approaching desperation though.

 

But it wasn't desperate, it was clean. I wasn't going off to war, implying "I'll hopefully be coming back", I am leaving for good. There is no good reason for having sex now other than one: It's enjoyable and neither of us has had any for awhile! Life is finite. We only have so much time for things like sex and take out old age and adolescence, that's a brief window. Why the hell not in this day and age?

 

I'm not very proud of this thread but it is me. It's not my shining moment in this place, but it says something about me. Many people will hate me for it, that's OK. Most women I approach don't like me either. It's just how it goes. I'm glad I am who I am because I feel I like my life overall. I'm looking forward to my new life which should start in a few months!

 

Ken

[blueskyday]

Good luck! You sound like a good guy. Enjoy dating! Remember to take action, and use texts and phone calls to compliment, appreciate and get to know a woman. That will help your action receive a positive response and romp in the bedroom. Show, not tell on sex.

[RedRobin]

I dunno. If it were me, I would care more about how I wanted our interaction would end at this point...

 

She was maybe viewing you as a solid companion she was getting to know better. If she were interested in casual sex, you would have had sex already.

 

Having a guy say that to me would make me feel like I wasted that time on him...that he didn't really care about me at all. It has happened to me...and my judgement has been the same. I get depressed for a little while when I realize he just sees me as a piece of *ss...

 

Then I tell him to eff off in a very nice way. Apologies after the fact go nowhere. Just comes across as manipulative. He blew the chance at being friends too...because I don't eff my friends.

 

So yea... I agree with what another poster said. You don't really like her that much. This is just all about you. It is good you were honest though...

 

...but I will also say I wouldn't have had goodbye sex either...the difference being I might stay friends with a guy who was nice about suggesting...but would go NC on the guy who suggested what you did.

[kenmore]

I'm moving away Monday. I had thought it would be sooner but they let me stay put for awhile because I needed to train in the East and it didn't matter much where I was "based." My Gf and I went out several times, whenever I was in town. During this interim, I also had somehow managed to get my ex to go out with me (just after Halloween) and we had a wonderful night out! But the next day she told me "we said goodbye last night, please don't make me sad by contacting me" so I have given up on her completely.

 

MEANWHILE, I have been on the road, have met a number of people but ended up having an EA with someone from here! We are connecting amazingly well!

 

So...yesterday...I asked my GF to go out for dinner (to basically say goodbye)...no response. This morning she responded with "yes." She tells me today she's ready. WTF?!! I said let me find a nice place to go, THEN she tells me she wants to do it, she doesn't have the energy to come up here but why don't I drive down and make love to her? I have now fallen for someone else (who I have never met physically but I am really ready to and we are getting so close with daily talking) so now my GF says she's F-ing ready? Really? So I ignored it (like she does me too often) hoping to deal with it after sleeping on it.

 

Later though she said, and I quote "I can't believe you shot me down." :-(

 

So now I'm the F-ing heel! I'm the bad guy! The second last thing I want now is to hurt the woman who gave me love, friendship and understanding as well as occasional company since the beginning of the year but seriously? NOW?

 

But the LAST thing I want to do is hurt my EA partner from here and yes, she said go ahead and post here about it. She even said go ahead and do it, you need it, but I know better. I wasn't born yesterday LOL! We have spoken about it and yes, she's watching lol! It's a much more meaningful thing though. She and I have probably spoken as much in the last month as my GF and I have all year! I have gotten the same amount of sex from them both so far...0

 

I assume my ex will contact me tomorrow just to make my emotional turmoil complete. I have already made my decision though, it's my EA. We connect. Now I need to figure out how to tell my Gf how she missed the "window." I can't tell you all enough how perfect the timing is! And of course, though I have not mentioned my ex nor my EA to my GF, she DOES know I must leave soon, so part of me wonders if if that's what all this is about. I told her "the last thing I want to do is hurt her" and she said she's ready to drive on the first leg of my trip just to spend a night with me. F*CK!!! Ain't life just amazing?

[KatZee]

I think the term "Hot Mess" applies 100 times over in regards to you and all your "situations."

[AspenBaldwin]

Do you always come on this strong?

 

Imagine a woman texted you and said:

 

Hey baby, I wanna put

this GIGANTIC dildo up

your bum.

 

Wouldn't you be a bit overwhelmed?

[littlez360]

I pretty much skimmed over the first couple pages of this so take my perspective with a grain of salt...

 

 

I really don't have any issues personally with break up sex... however that text msg was definitely where you went wrong... There's so many approaches to what you were trying for that would be 100% respectful and reasonable... but that certainly wasn't one of those approaches.

[kenmore]

Lots of people tell me where I went wrong and certainly being direct is not for everyone, but she did not go away and I don't think it caused her to shy off either. We had shared a pretty open line of communication the whole time so it's not like we were just talking about the latest movie or who's running for president and I blurted it out. Now she's ready. Is she being too forward by telling me that? I couldn't tell you if she would be ready now had I not asked her, nor could I tell you if she would have been ready sooner if I hadn't, because I did. I can only follow one timeline

 

Honestly, I do tend to be direct, yes. That said, I do typically know my company and get a feel for what I can and can't get away with saying. There are women I would never ask that to and some who it wouldn't have taken me anywhere near as long. Often the latter ask me. Sometimes I push boundaries too hard and it ends the relationship, but at least I get what I want other times.

 

I think life is full of chances one can take or not. While it didn't work out for me communicating with my ex on Halloween, it almost did. She came back to me days later and we started talking. I took her out and it was an amazing evening! Though it didn't win her back (largely because I must leave the area I am pretty sure), at least we both shared one more evening of wonderful companionship and great food. I could have much more easily left it all alone and sat at home pining for her, but I got closure and a wonderful memory I otherwise wouldn't have had.

 

Anyway, I disagree that I should not take my GF out to dinner. She has been an important part of my life for the better part of a year now and I think she deserves to be told face to face where we are now. I have met someone else and she deserves to know that and not via text nor just ignoring her the rest of my life.

 

I suppose my actions are self centered and I do what I do for me. Not always but sure, sometimes. I think most people do. At least I admit it. I don't for a second think that having sex with her would have just pleased me though. She would have liked it too, so I was thinking about her as well. Certainly she had every chance to say goodbye to me if she didn't like it, so I did something right.

Edited November 30, 2015 by kenmore

[smackie9]

You are selfish, you entertain your own desires, only to leave hurt souls behind. Use them for your needs, use them up, toss....wash dry repeat.

[Amelie1980]

You are selfish, you entertain your own desires, only to leave hurt souls behind. Use them for your needs, use them up, toss....wash dry repeat.

 

Yes and if it wasnt for his location I would think he was my ex too. Sounds just like him.

[Marc878]

Hmmmm, answer went against the consensus.

 

Not for everyone but......

[Lion Heart]

Ken I have an unfair advantage over some other posters here. You have endeavoured, even TOILED to support me through the worst period of my life, the D Day which shattered me and my beautiful family, the never ending D Days that followed were as though I was being bombarded relentlessly. The were other very precious LS members who extended their love and compassion thru PMs too. LS and those PMs really saved my life and sanity. Thankyou.

 

Ken, you were and are so gentle and kind. I couldn't believe a man would bother reaching out to a woman he didn't know, would never have the opportunity to meet and, more humourously, imagined in a very undesirable form. Ken you were a complete gentleman to me in PMs.

 

I am a very direct person in most circumstances. I guess that's something we have in common. I appreciate NOT HAVING my time wasted et al..."I'd rather be slapped in the face with the truth" EVEN IF IT HURTS ME, is what I'd opt for every time over BS and lies.

If you and your gf had met over almost 12 months. Texted and talked to each other regularly over all that time! (Ok subtract 6 months where you were awaiting D, so ACTUALLY 6 months dating "untethered"). Plus WHAT I UNDERSTAND is this.

You two had already discussed more intimacy on many occasions. You had dated her in a traditional sense. Wining and dining her blah blah blah.

 

Had you ever had the EXCLUSIVE CONVERSATION???

Pardon me Ken I feel like an imposter really, I don't understand your dating culture being from Oz, but did I read correctly that you two had discussed jumping each others bones THE MOMENT THE DIVORCE CAME THRU? IDK? Sorry if that's incorrect. Maybe I ASSUMED YOU BOTH would have jumped at the chance to f*** each other's BRAINS OUT!

 

6-12 months of what I would assume (sorry if way off the beaten track here!) the insanest sexual tension. Some men and women would be climbing the f***ing WALLS by that time!!!!!

Hey you guys were not teenagers (doubt most teens would wait that long either!), you guys were untethered I assume.

 

And your middle aged gf takes another 5 months to say "yes".

Ken I would've either ASKED WHAT WAS GOING ON in that department by then OR MOVED ON!

 

KEN IMHO you are a gentleman

Just the way you were NOT ENGAGING in a full on sexual R whilst you were awaiting D (in the US still legally M - here you can go at it like bunnies the moment Separation is filed, HECK MY STBexWWWWWWWWWWWH didn't wait for EITHER Sep NOR D before USING OWs on every block.

 

Ken you are the OPPOSITE to my WH.

 

Sorry gotta stop there! Not enough sleep.

 

Take care

Lion Heart