I Survived Posted May 7, 2005 Posted May 7, 2005 My husband had an emotional affair with an old girlfriend from his hometown. It was nothing more than a phone and internet relationship that lasted six months. Her husband found out a month before I did. My husband and I have struggled and we have recovered. We are closer now than we have ever been. But I find myself feeling sorry for the other woman. At first I was very angry with her because she was the one who initiated the whole mess. Now, I feel sorry for her and I want to help her move on. H told her it was over a year ago and she has continued to contact me through the classmates website. I have tried to help her but she still holds on to the "Love Affair" she had with my husband. I wish that I could help her understand that it's over, she's wasting her time and she really needs to try to be happy with her own husband. Anything I say is taken the wrong way. I have never been able to talk to her directly. She has an unlisted phone number and the cell phone she used to talk with my husband was taken away when her husband found out. I've tried to just forget it, like my husband says, but it bothers me that she's so unhappy and hasn't been able to move on. No, I'm not afraid that my husband will go back to her. We are rock solid. Am I crazy or what? Can anyone explain why I feel this way? Has anyone else every had this experience?
Merin Posted May 7, 2005 Posted May 7, 2005 Well all I can guess is that you feel badly for her because of the pathetic way she's still behaving? Honestly though your husband is right that YOU really do need to let it go and not worry how she's managing in life or if she's happy for several reasons... The first one being you and your husband are moving on TOGETHER after his affair with her and IMO part of moving on is letting go of her for BOTH of you... Secondly, it isn't your responsibility to make sure she's okay or happy and managing in life... she managed BEFORE she started talking to your husband and she'll manage well after he's a distant memory... Third... IMO this is another form of munipulation on her end... she's got you feeling bad or responsible for her emotional well being and that allows her to continue to dwell in your husbands life as well even if it's not in the same way as before... In short if you really want to help her then let it go... don't correspond with her in any way or form... eventually she will have no other choice but to move on in any way she needs to in order to be happy again... maybe that will be with her husband and maybe it won't.. but regardless she can't have closure either if you won't end the book...
MySugaree Posted May 7, 2005 Posted May 7, 2005 Some affairs are stickier than others. Even when the physical part is long concluded often there is an emotional residue that can last years. In my case, I had a 3 year affair with a MW that physically ended over a year ago. I've not seen this woman in 5 months. Yet, she still calls me every day and tells me how happy I make her feel compared to her husband.On multiple occasions I've told my ex-MW to stop all contact. She obliges for a week to 10 days then she calls usually over some crisis at home. The irony is that her marriage survived our affair. Mine did not.
StillHurtin Posted May 7, 2005 Posted May 7, 2005 I agree, I think you need to stop all contacts w/ her. I am trying to figure out why you feel sorry for her. She had an EA w/ your H and you two are working things out. Now that you and your H are happier than ever you shouldn't be worried about her happiness. Don't let her bother you anymore. You have a marriage to continue to be happy in, let her be. Sorry if that sounds harsh. I just don't want you to be sitting there worried about the OW being unhappy. Never, in a million years, would I feel sorry for the OW that my H had an EA and a PA w/. In fact, I wish she was unhappy but she is far from that. She is still dating the guy she asked out when H broke it off w/ her. She started dating him a week after H broke it off. This guy didn't want anything to do w/ her (he is friends w/ a good friend of mine) and my friend kept telling me how he wished she would stop bothering him and leave him alone b/c he didn't want to date her. He knew what she was like, he knew she had an A w/ a mm (they all worked together) Well, somehow she managed to get what she wanted, again, and is dating him and has been for almost 2 years. Even when she first started dating him she was still calling my H until I finally told her myself to stop. H even told her to stop calling but she continued. I have a copy of H's and OW's IM'ing conversation and he told her it was over, she needed to stop flirting w/ him and stop talking to him about her personal life. She wanted to know if she could talk to him about her son, if she liked a certain song. He told her no, no more personal conversations, only work related. She told him he was no fun anymore and she would just move on and flirt w/ other guys. Well, she didn't stop calling him, and I finally called her and told her to stop (she called him when I was visiting and I was too pissed off to talk to her when she called so I called her back) I know I shouldn't want to see the OW hurt like I did when she hurt me and had an A w/ my H (she told me that she would talk to H about changing his mind about filing for a D, and H told me that she had talked to him). The OW tried so hard to be my friend, but I wouldn't be friends w/ her b/c I seen how she flirted w/ H. Please try not to let her unhappiness worry you, she needs to move on.
brashgal Posted May 7, 2005 Posted May 7, 2005 You feel compassion for her. I don't think you're crazy. You are a bigger person for it. I don't know that talking to her directly would help. She wants what you still have and it appears that she thinks you are standing in her way. If she continues to contact you via Classmates, I'm guessing you could contact the Classmates folks and ask them to block her emails. Maybe once all contact ceases she'll leave you alone.
Noname1 Posted May 7, 2005 Posted May 7, 2005 Good for you that it ended like that. My H was contacted by his ex-gf from 15 yrs ago and they have been in touch for more than 2 yrs now. By e-mail and phone, and now he is moving to be with her. We've been married 13 yrs and have two kids, and he is throwing it all away to be with the "love of his life". He said he tried to "resist her" at first, but after she sent him a picture and they talked on the phone it was all over for him. I hate that woman.
Author I Survived Posted May 7, 2005 Author Posted May 7, 2005 Thank you all for being open and honest with me. I can see how my continuing to allow her to connect with me is keeping her connected to my H and is not allowing her to move on. I will stop all contact. I don't know if anyone else has noticed but the television has been inundated with talk shows about infidelity. Dr. Phil, Oprah, OMG it's a freaking epidemic. However, when I see one of those shows, I often mention it to my husband and it stimulates conversation. That is a good thing. What is it about this baby boomer generation?? People who have been married for years are going through the same stuff. Years ago, it was always kept quiet, because it was an embarrassment. Now people are on national TV talking about it. I have made up my mind that I will no longer visit my classmates site. My membership is up in June. Then I can remove my name completely. Thanks again everyone. If anyone else has something to say, I will be very happy to hear it. noname1 - I feel your pain. My husband's girlfriend was from 30 years ago. Your husband is doing something very wrong and he will probably live to regret it. One of the reasons why my husband said he got all caught up in her was because she made him feel 19 again. He admitted that he was obsessed, she swept him away and when he finally "woke up" he wondered what the hell he was thinking. Your husband will see that it's not like that after a while. Keep the lines of communication open, especially for your children. They are top priority for both of you and it's going to be very hard for them. Check out Dr. Phil's website. He has some great advice. How dare she break apart your family? She sucks. Have you and your husband seen a MC? I wish all the best for you. Keep posting, we're here for you.
Ladyjane14 Posted May 7, 2005 Posted May 7, 2005 I think you'll feel less compassionate when you realize that her contact with you is manipulative. Is it a deliberate attempt to get her affair with your husband restarted? Doubtful. But she is still involving herself with his life through her contact with you. She's still getting a little "fix" for her affair addiction. And Merin makes an excellent point....the woman is still not taking responsibility for her own emotional well-being. Her problems are not YOUR problems. We all have our little burdens to bear in life, so you need not feel like you're a bad person for cutting her off. In fact, by allowing her to keep herself informed on your husband's status....you are prolonging the withdrawal stage. You are, in essence, doing her a favor by eliminating ALL contact. This will force her to find other coping methods...hopefully more healthy ones. Oops! We were posting at the same time! I'm glad you decided to end all contact. I think it'll make you feel much better.
Author I Survived Posted May 12, 2005 Author Posted May 12, 2005 Update. The last time I heard from her was the 10th. She's all excited because she's going to Vegas end of the month to meet some friends. My husband and I are going with a group at the same time. I called him at work. "Honey. She says she's going to Vegas the end of the month." He was totally shocked. "How did she find out we're going to Vegas?" I said I don't know but it was probably posted on the web site. (It's a fund raiser). She must be going to our club's web site. He was very very angry. "Well that's it. I'm going to contact her and tell her..." I said "What? What are you going to tell her?" I don't know - we'll talk when I get home. Later in the evening I said, have you given any more thought to what you'll say? He still wasn't sure. We talk more about it and we finally decided that she doesn't care whether she gets positive or negative attention as long as she gets attention. And she's only doing it to get a rise out of me. We decided to ignore her. I've felt very free all week. My husband went on a business trip and he's called me several times a day telling me that he loves me and misses me. We don't know if she was telling the truth about going to Vegas but we do know that she's not going to spoil our fun. It's a big city and even if she's there, it won't matter. We are so rock solid. It's a beautiful feeling.
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