ird Posted August 1, 2015 Posted August 1, 2015 Hello LS, I'm mainly posting this to vent, because I just realized (unfortunately) that there's an issue not with the men I've been with recently, but there's an issue with me and how I handle relationships and interactions with men. I'm 18, and my first serious relationship lasted 6 months and ended due to many things. I don't miss the individual, however I do miss the interactions and the relationship. After the breakup I tried to get my mind off it by going on the rebound and dating other guys. I soon found a guy, who was 27, and I became absolutely smitten with him in combination of the rebound from my previous break up. Our first date ended with us having sex, and I was influenced by him saying he wanted a relationship with me. We continued on, only hanging out to have sex, for about 2 weeks. Between these sex-date-things he would completely ignore my texts and calls and all communication between us would cease. The above really messed me up, and I was quite depressed about it for a month or more. I realize throughout the entire time that he didn't want a relationship, he wanted a FB (as the acronym reminds me, he actually blocked me on facebook a few days into our "thing" not sure what to call it.) I did enjoy the sex, but I didn't enjoy many things. I believe he was a manipulator, yelled at me in the car on the way home, was not-so-nice to me. Anyway, I realize that I tried to use sex to get him to stay with me, until I decided not to meet up with him anymore, in combination of him ignoring me (it's super hard to make plans with someone who won't give you the day of time, you know.) A month or two after this, I find another guy on OKC, and we have great communication at first, and after our first date. After our second date (first time we had sex) he completely cut all contact with me. Haven't talked to him since. It was a very odd situation. I realize once again I used sex to try to get the guy to want me more/want to be with me more. I've since learned that you can't sex a man into a relationship. Pretty simple concept. Not sure what else to say. I'm somewhat scared of ruining my future potential LTRs with my sexuality. I do love sex, and I love making that connection with a person. But I suppose I need to learn how to control myself. I do want to stay single for a while now, and stay away from guys. I feel as if I need to reflect, and as a result, grow up and mature in regards to love/relationships/sex. Not really asking for advice or anything. I simply just came to this realization while browsing LS and the post topic button was simply calling my name. I guess I could expect a few members to waltz in and shout obscenities like slut, ho, etc. I was never quite taught the proper boundaries in the beginning stages of a relationship (kind of grew up on my own, without any parent interference. also grew up without a mother) so perhaps I am a slut. I dunno.
rlc1957 Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 I promise I won't call you any names... Steve Harvey says you should not have sex for at least 90 days of seeing someone. I honestly feel this is a good idea. Would 80 days be long enough? Probably... I am in a serious relationship now with a lady and we waited longer than that. I was more than willing to wait. It truly was both of our ideas. I wanted to make sure that she was someone I wanted to share myself with before I did. Sex is a wonderful thing, it is supposed to be pleasurable. Sex is the icing on the cake. You need to know someone before you share that part of yourself. As a sidebar I get the feeling that you are a little too worried about what other people say or think about you. Don't ever give that power to anyone else, except maybe those closest to you. People are too hard to please. Good luck, take your time. 1
ennui Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 Wow. I never knew that I would read about a post that almost described my current situation. Got dumped 7 months ago. Leaped right into online dating after 2 months out of emotional desperateness, slept with a guy that I started developing feelings towards who treated me like ****. After 2 months of this, he left citing that he wasn't looking for a serious relationship. It hit me hard in the weirdest way. I was back to insomnia, waking up with heartache, feeling demoralized about life, having depressed thoughts (basically the whole BU experience package) and yet, the one on my mind/in my dreams was my ex, not the online jerk. I took the advice people gave when you're going through break up. Join the gym, go out with your friends, date around. But when I sat down and take a long hard look at my recovery journey, it was filled with flaws. I have to be doing something everyday. Be it meeting friends for a meal, out drinking, online dating or gym. I literally couldn't be left alone in my room. I'm afraid to be alone with my thoughts. And that got me to be either drunk every weekend (drunk emptiness, drunk sms/calls, hangover, damage to my liver, wallet and emotional well-being) or that I get obsessed with the guys that I got to know from online. I'm distracted at work thinking about the guys that I'm talking to online, why aren't they texting me, why are they taking so long to reply to my messages and etc. Basically it's a desperate act of trying to find affection. So when the guy whom I was sleeping with ended what we had (just last weekend) I decided enough is enough. As much as I craved to leap back in to online dating again to find more distractions to not think about him or my ex, it's going to be a vicious cycle. Truth be told, from months of being out every single day (even on weekdays after work) to a drastic change of being home most of the time, with no one to talk to on my whatsapp, it's really difficult to not go back to online dating to find attention. BUT, we both need to be strong. It's almost like kicking an addiction, addiction from alcohol, from smoking, from drugs. It's one hell of a difficult journey, but once you kicked it off, you'll see a better you, and live a better life. I've been exploring into meditation, hypnosis, cleaning up my room, planning to pick up a couple of languages, maybe study on something that I've always been interested and gym. I know it would be a difficult journey for both of us. But let's be strong together! Whenever you or anyone in this forum is feeling down, feel free to PM me if you need a listening ear. I'll be more than happy to accompany anyone through their dark times. Just because I know how difficult it is.
Author ird Posted August 2, 2015 Author Posted August 2, 2015 ennui, thank you for your post. It was very interesting and oddly similar to my situation! What I've found that helps distract me is reading and yoga and sometimes video games. Stuff like that keeps your brain busy. Unfortunately I'm a person who likes to be alone, which leads to me being alone with my thoughts. Journaling helps this, instead of everything stewing in your mind you can write or type or say what you're feeling and why you're feeling that way. I LOVE voice diaries(I use an app on my phone for it.) Anyway goodluck, ennui. It does get better.
RoseHeart Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 That's a very good lesson that you learnt. We sometimes have to make such errors to realize what is good and what is not. You're right sex cannot make a guy fall for you if he doesn't already feel that way about you. Sex can strengthen bonds but only if the people doing it are romantically interested in the other. Just learn from this experience and make sure you apply it in future romantic relations. As a rule I say don't have sex unless you are completely sure that this person is interested in more. Go out on dates first and be sure of where you stand before handing over yourself.
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