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Posted
Because you apply broad brushstroke generalities to the genders. It very easily could have been a gay relationship, there was nothing about the interaction between them that was "obvious" that she's a woman and he's a man. This sort of interaction, and ghosting, goes both ways, both genders, both straight and gay. But your advise in this and other threads says otherwise.

 

When someone pulls back, chill. Keep on keeping on. Be cool calm and collected. Don't play games. That's true of both genders.

 

Well.... based on her postings (how she worded her posts, the tone of her posts, how her posts were written, the content of her posts)....to me it was very obvious the OP was female..

 

 

If it was not obvious to you, which apparently it was not, that's fine. So be it.

Posted
Bul*****! It's going to be no relationship with this guy once he's gone cold. They always come back but you'd be a fool to take them because they'll do it again.

 

Not so. Many, many people get spooked and pull back a bit to assess their feelings. It's normal, it's natural. To deny the period of uncertainty that so many go through is to deny the nature of being human and just rings the death knell of far too many fledgling relationships. Very rarely are we CERTAIN from the get go that the person we're dating is "the one." And we all handle that evaluation differently. Some plod along silently, "faking it." Others kinda pull back so they can get their feet back on the ground and their head on straight. This is especially true after the romance starts off like a whirlwind; gotta get grounded once again.

 

When things become uncertain, I've done the pull back, I've been on the receiving end of the pull back. What got us through it, and on to a very happy LTR, was the other person not FREAKING OUT and assuming the worst after a few days of this uncertainty and pull back.

 

I mean, unless you're looking for a cookie cutter version of yourself, to keep on doing what you're doing isn't going to get you anywhere.

Posted
Well.... based on her postings (how she worded her posts, the tone of her posts, how her posts were written, the content of her posts)....to me it was very obvious the OP was female..

 

 

If it was not obvious to you, which apparently it was not, that's fine. So be it.

 

Other than referring to the other person in the relationship as "he" and assuming a hetero relationship, I fail to see how you reached that conclusion. Feelings and behaviors are not gender specific.

Posted
Not so. Many, many people get spooked and pull back a bit to assess their feelings. It's normal, it's natural. To deny the period of uncertainty that so many go through is to deny the nature of being human and just rings the death knell of far too many fledgling relationships. Very rarely are we CERTAIN from the get go that the person we're dating is "the one." And we all handle that evaluation differently. Some plod along silently, "faking it." Others kinda pull back so they can get their feet back on the ground and their head on straight. This is especially true after the romance starts off like a whirlwind; gotta get grounded once again.

 

When things become uncertain, I've done the pull back, I've been on the receiving end of the pull back. What got us through it, and on to a very happy LTR, was the other person not FREAKING OUT and assuming the worst after a few days of this uncertainty and pull back.

 

I mean, unless you're looking for a cookie cutter version of yourself, to keep on doing what you're doing isn't going to get you anywhere.

 

 

Didn't I say almost this exact thing in a different thread? And you accused me of "regurgitating" John Gray? lol

 

 

In any event, I do agree with the bolded. And if a man (or woman) needs to pull back to reassess or whatever....that is fine.

 

 

My only gripe is the disappearing act. My first bf went through this period of uncertainty after three months and needed space...but he communicated that with me and I gave him space.... lots of space.

 

 

After three weeks where I essentially fell off the map...he returned, we got back together and were together four years after that (until I ended it for reasons unrelated to that).

Posted
Other than referring to the other person in the relationship as "he" and assuming a hetero relationship, I fail to see how you reached that conclusion. Feelings and behaviors are not gender specific.

 

No worries RoseV...lots of people in my life are amazed at how perceptive I am.... :) :)

Posted (edited)
Didn't I say almost this exact thing in a different thread? And you accused me of "regurgitating" John Gray? lol

 

 

 

Apparently it was this thread when I said this. You were arguing with me about the idea of "pulling back."

 

Not sure why when you agreed later that a woman pulling back (i.e. giving him the time and space to figure stuff out) is pretty much what you should do in response to a man pulling back, and reassessing or whatever.

 

As opposed to chasing him down and/or lashing out at him via angry text.

 

Anyway, like I said, I understand a man's need to pull back and reassess due to uncertainty/ambivalence. Around the three month mark is when it usually happens...not sure why.

 

The only thing we disagree about is how he goes about doing that -- by disappearing...

 

I think he should communicate his uncertainty and let the woman know he is needing some space and time to reassess.

 

You think it's okay to just disappear and fall off the map.....leaving her to think god only knows what. To me that is inconsiderate and disrespectful.

 

You don't agree, that's fine.

 

I respect your opinion and I would hope you do mine (and blu's and others).

Edited by katiegrl
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Posted
Oh man, I consider it over if I don't hear from a guy for 2 days.

 

Dam Skippy......or in a coma in the hospital. :)

Posted
No worries RoseV...lots of people in my life are amazed at how perceptive I am.... :) :)

 

 

So just so we're all on the same page, OP was a girl, then she was a guy, and now she's a girl again?

 

No wonder the guy isn't calling her back. That must be very confusing for him.

 

Wait, what?

Posted
Not so. Many, many people get spooked and pull back a bit to assess their feelings. It's normal, it's natural. To deny the period of uncertainty that so many go through is to deny the nature of being human and just rings the death knell of far too many fledgling relationships. Very rarely are we CERTAIN from the get go that the person we're dating is "the one." And we all handle that evaluation differently. Some plod along silently, "faking it." Others kinda pull back so they can get their feet back on the ground and their head on straight. This is especially true after the romance starts off like a whirlwind; gotta get grounded once again.

 

When things become uncertain, I've done the pull back, I've been on the receiving end of the pull back. What got us through it, and on to a very happy LTR, was the other person not FREAKING OUT and assuming the worst after a few days of this uncertainty and pull back.

 

I mean, unless you're looking for a cookie cutter version of yourself, to keep on doing what you're doing isn't going to get you anywhere.

 

Yeah but I think you have an avoidant attachment style and this is why you think it's ok to go dark and come back. Maybe once but ime men who are serious about you are not really pulling back drastically. If they have to, they talk to you about it. I prefer men who are secure and usually they don't run.

 

And in response to the last sentence, I'm in a serious relationship and it's going great thank you very much.

Posted

Just the fact that he led you to believe you were his steady date - gained your confidence and had sex with you - then suddenly no need to communicate specific reasons why such extended days of no effort to see you = tells a lot about him. He isn't honest. He doesn't communicate effectively. He's willing to hurt your feelings without further explanation...

 

That is not life partner qualities.

 

 

I know he said he was sick... But his extended behavior makes me think he wasn't.

 

He's just not nice. There's no reason to waste one more minute on a guy with his deficiencies.

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)
Not so. Many, many people get spooked and pull back a bit to assess their feelings. It's normal, it's natural. To deny the period of uncertainty that so many go through is to deny the nature of being human and just rings the death knell of far too many fledgling relationships. Very rarely are we CERTAIN from the get go that the person we're dating is "the one." And we all handle that evaluation differently. Some plod along silently, "faking it." Others kinda pull back so they can get their feet back on the ground and their head on straight. This is especially true after the romance starts off like a whirlwind; gotta get grounded once again.

 

-----

 

****When things become uncertain, I've done the pull back, I've been on the receiving end of the pull back. What got us through it, and on to a very happy LTR, was the other person not FREAKING OUT and assuming the worst after a few days of this uncertainty and pull back***.

 

 

---+

 

I mean, unless you're looking for a cookie cutter version of yourself, to keep on doing what you're doing isn't going to get you anywhere.

 

I missed this earlier ...... but re quote in asterisk, I actually think a few DAYS is okay.....but OP's guy is going on two weeks now since he's "pulled back" and one week since they've even talked.

 

It's anyone's guess how much longer he will feel "uncertain" if that's what he's feeling at all.

 

He may have just met someone else, or flat out lost interest and is too much of a coward to end it appropriately, considerately and respectfully.

 

I think anything longer than a couple (or a few - like three) days of silence (after three months of consistent dating) warrants some communication from him re how he's feeling (uncertain, lost interest, whatevs). And I am being extremely lenient here!

 

I cannot even believe some are arguing against this or trying to justify his deplorable behavior - it's common courtesy for crying out loud....

 

ETA: I don't see where the OP is "freaking out" either. Confused? Yes. Which is why she started this thread....and as well she should be after one week of complete silence and two weeks since he started fading.

Edited by katiegrl
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Posted

So I shouldn't think of him as a jerk after seeing him for 3 months, seeing each other a couple of times a week, talking every day then just going cold on me for no reason and no explanation?...in my opinion that is jerky behaviour after getting close to me and then just disappearing.

 

It would have been easier if he had just come out and said ‘I don’t think there’s anything between us worth persuing’ or ‘I don’t think I feel the same way about this as I have been anymore’ ‘I’ve just got too much going on at the moment I don’t think I can do this right now’ or ‘I feel aweful, but I slept with someone else, I know this will hurt you but I want to be honest’ etc etc

 

Fair enough if he has just lost interest and doesn't feel the same any more, it happens, but it should be talked about.

 

…rather than just giving me a gift, then going cold on me and not speaking to me again…

 

Sigh, how do people do the whole ‘dating’ thing by dating loads of guys? I’ve done one guy and my head feels exhausted. It just seems a waste of time if you get to know someone get close to them then never hear from them again, it’s draining.

 

I know I just keep regurgitating the same old thing and sound pathetic but waaaa.

Posted
So I shouldn't think of him as a jerk after seeing him for 3 months, seeing each other a couple of times a week, talking every day then just going cold on me for no reason and no explanation?...in my opinion that is jerky behaviour after getting close to me and then just disappearing.

 

It would have been easier if he had just come out and said ‘I don’t think there’s anything between us worth persuing’ or ‘I don’t think I feel the same way about this as I have been anymore’ ‘I’ve just got too much going on at the moment I don’t think I can do this right now’ or ‘I feel aweful, but I slept with someone else, I know this will hurt you but I want to be honest’ etc etc

 

Fair enough if he has just lost interest and doesn't feel the same any more, it happens, but it should be talked about.

 

…rather than just giving me a gift, then going cold on me and not speaking to me again…

 

Sigh, how do people do the whole ‘dating’ thing by dating loads of guys? I’ve done one guy and my head feels exhausted. It just seems a waste of time if you get to know someone get close to them then never hear from them again, it’s draining.

 

I know I just keep regurgitating the same old thing and sound pathetic but waaaa.

 

You don't have to think of him as a jerk. He is who he is and he's not the one for you. We can assume all kinds of things about what was/is going on with him. But, in the end, it doesn't really matter. What matters is that you can't change things and just need to accept it. It's not jerky per se, it's just that he is emotionally unhealthy and was unable to emotionally connect enough to be able to think about how it would affect you. If he had an emotional capability and connection to you at all, he would have come to you and been direct. He just can't do it. He's damaged. Even if he found someone else, trust me, she's likely going to experience the same things you did.

 

And, now when you date someone else, and you find it exhausting and/or drama filled and it's early, you know enough to move on yourself instead of trying to figure it out or wait for things to change, etc.

 

You can't control anyone else, you can only control you and accept or reject whatever/whoever doesn't work for you. And, reflect really hard about how you were actually feeling when you did spend time with him. Were you really feeling "secure" with him and getting all you needed from him emotionally? I think you may find that you really weren't. Was there always even just a little anxiety about him? Pay attention to those things when you date anyone.

Posted
So I shouldn't think of him as a jerk after seeing him for 3 months, seeing each other a couple of times a week, talking every day then just going cold on me for no reason and no explanation?...in my opinion that is jerky behaviour after getting close to me and then just disappearing.

 

It would have been easier if he had just come out and said ‘I don’t think there’s anything between us worth persuing’ or ‘I don’t think I feel the same way about this as I have been anymore’ ‘I’ve just got too much going on at the moment I don’t think I can do this right now’ or ‘I feel aweful, but I slept with someone else, I know this will hurt you but I want to be honest’ etc etc

 

Fair enough if he has just lost interest and doesn't feel the same any more, it happens, but it should be talked about.

 

…rather than just giving me a gift, then going cold on me and not speaking to me again…

 

Sigh, how do people do the whole ‘dating’ thing by dating loads of guys? I’ve done one guy and my head feels exhausted. It just seems a waste of time if you get to know someone get close to them then never hear from them again, it’s draining.

 

I know I just keep regurgitating the same old thing and sound pathetic but waaaa.

Of course he's a jerk for ghosting you after 3 months. And you have the right to be angry and call him a jerk. Anger is part of moving on.

 

How do you do it? You learn not to care/not to get attached on the outcome. You learn that nothing is done until the guy declares you are in a relationship and he loves you. Before that, you keep your heart a bit locked away. First guy I've been out with for only three dates, I was agonizing over for months.... he totally didn't deserve my waste of energy. In time, you learn to monitor your emotions and that it's completely unproductive to invest emotionally at an excessive level until the guy proves he's worthy. But guys who are worthy deliver and you'll understand why this one didn't work out. You'll even be happy about it.

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Posted

You can't control anyone else, you can only control you and accept or reject whatever/whoever doesn't work for you. And, reflect really hard about how you were actually feeling when you did spend time with him. Were you really feeling "secure" with him and getting all you needed from him emotionally? I think you may find that you really weren't. Was there always even just a little anxiety about him? Pay attention to those things when you date anyone.

 

I have thought about all of those questions since last week and I can honestly say I was feeling secure, there wasn't any anxiety or hesitation about him. That's why it's hard for me to understand it, but the more I look into it the more I see this is just what happens in some phases of 'seeing each other'

 

I spoke to my guy friend about this, and he said it sounds like the sort of thing he would do when he's trying to get out of whatever he'd got himself into. He said exactly what you have all said, and told me under no circumstances to send a message to him, if I send a message now it will seem like I just don't get it that he, for whatever reason doesn't want to talk to me. Then have a good laugh about it with his mates. If I was to call him there's the possibility or it's almost definite that he wouldn't answer or respond which would leave me in a worse confused state.

 

And also agreed that if he does in time contact me with an excuse as to why he's not contacted me to just forget him.

 

I would have been that crazy girl if this site and all of your responses had not of told me to not contact him. It's been hard but I've managed to stay strong! Thank you guys!

  • Like 3
Posted
I told him I wanted to take it all slowly, he told me that it was absolutely

fine with him, we could take it as slow as I liked. I met his house mate, it was

date 10 before we done anything sexual. We went out on dates to places, he was

gentlemanly, we cooked together a couple of times at his.

 

OP, given what you wrote above did you two ever say you were now in a relationship? If it wasn't verbalized I think he is still taking it slow. You gave him an out and he''s taking it. Don't tell guys you want to take it slow. Just take it slow.

  • Like 1
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Posted
OP, given what you wrote above did you two ever say you were now in a relationship? If it wasn't verbalized I think he is still taking it slow. You gave him an out and he''s taking it. Don't tell guys you want to take it slow. Just take it slow.

 

No, we never had that talk, I'm completely new to dating so literally have zero Idea when to bring that conversation up as in...I have no idea when is too soon as to not freak a guy out.

 

But he had said a couple of times to me ' So are you still happy for us to continue seeing each other like we do? Because I'm really enjoying spending time with you' Is that a bad thing?

 

I had said the slow bit close to the beginning mainly aimed at the whole sexual part of it.

Posted
No, we never had that talk, I'm completely new to dating so literally have zero Idea when to bring that conversation up as in...I have no idea when is too soon as to not freak a guy out.

 

But he had said a couple of times to me ' So are you still happy for us to continue seeing each other like we do? Because I'm really enjoying spending time with you' Is that a bad thing?

 

I had said the slow bit close to the beginning mainly aimed at the whole sexual part of it.

 

You pick, you choose. You're body is a temple. Not only are you able to create life....but give pleasure, love and joy to a man; of your choosing.

 

It bothers me to see women give their love and self away so easily, for no one in particular except some attractive man who gives so little.

 

I am not obtuse that things are not the same but seriously ladies......be discerning, smart. This sounds crass but close your legs and let a man show you who he is and you him and both decide compatibility and trust before heart break/betrayal is your operondi.

 

In other words, be true to yourself and stop treating your vagina as a currency.

  • Like 1
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Posted

I thought he had shown me who he was...

 

Still hasn't contacted me. Still hasn't read the message. Trying not to think about it but the not knowing why is worse argggg serious anxiety over the whole thing.

 

I hate men. Going to become a nun.

Posted
I thought he had shown me who he was...

 

Still hasn't contacted me. Still hasn't read the message. Trying not to think about it but the not knowing why is worse argggg serious anxiety over the whole thing.

 

I hate men. Going to become a nun.

 

It does suck. My guess is he met someone else and doesn't have the balls to tell you. I was dating a guy for about 2 1/2 months when he started doing the same thing to me. We texted daily and saw each other a couple of times a week - though we had said we weren't seeing anyone else (yeah right). I thought it was his life getting crazy and did the crazy girl thing - he responded that yes he was sorry but his life was so crazy and he didn't know what way he was going...Next week I peeped his facebook and he was "in a relationship" with someone. Definitely a lesson learned. I was glad to see that though because it provided the closure I needed - I couldn't stand the not knowing.

 

 

Oh and I did hear from him a few months later when the new girl cheated on him - so be ready.

Posted

We should have like this one big support thread for girls that have had guys drop off the earth all of a sudden and have stopped texting them back.. it's SO common it must be the new norm.

 

Yes, that's also what's happening to me atm, but funny story - while I've been agonizing over the guy who's fading me out, the PREVIOUS guy who had stopped messaging me (after we slept together) like 2,5 months ago, just texted me, pardon, SEXted me. Thinking that was a completely okay thing to do. Yeaaah. Dating is awesome. :rolleyes:

Posted (edited)
I thought he had shown me who he was...

 

Still hasn't contacted me. Still hasn't read the message. Trying not to think about it but the not knowing why is worse argggg serious anxiety over the whole thing.

 

I hate men. Going to become a nun.

 

I hear ya about wanting to know why. Okay you know it's over. But why? What happened?

 

I know most folks will say it does not matter why, but still. It would be helpful to know ....would make it easier to move on IMO.

 

Don't bother texting again, he won't read that one either.

 

You could call and leave a calm message, just saying you know it's over, but asking him what happened? Not accusing him of anything, but it would be helpful to know, that's all.

 

After hearing your voice, his conscience might kick in prompting him to give you some sort of explanation. Assuming he even HAS a conscience ....he may not!

 

IMO that is why he is not reading your message. He doesn't want to deal with it. But hearing your voice asking what happened in a voice mail ...may elicit some basic common courtesy ... again assuming he has a conscience.

 

I mean three months consistent dating, gifts, etc. warrants he say *something.*

 

In any event, I am so sorry. I have never had this happen, I cannot even imagine. It's just cruel.

Edited by katiegrl
Posted
We should have like this one big support thread for girls that have had guys drop off the earth all of a sudden and have stopped texting them back.. it's SO common it must be the new norm.
While I appreciate that this happens to girls a lot (and I'm sorry for your situation as well), don't think this doesn't happen to guys, too. It just happened to me. Now ex-GF going cold, distant and eventually telling me (over text) that she's not sure she wants a relationship now.

 

Most of these crappy things that happen to women, happen to men as well. You just don't hear from the men as often, because of course we are all emotionless, commitment-phobic bro-dudes who only care about sex. :lmao:

Posted
While I appreciate that this happens to girls a lot (and I'm sorry for your situation as well), don't think this doesn't happen to guys, too. It just happened to me. Now ex-GF going cold, distant and eventually telling me (over text) that she's not sure she wants a relationship now.

 

Most of these crappy things that happen to women, happen to men as well. You just don't hear from the men as often, because of course we are all emotionless, commitment-phobic bro-dudes who only care about sex. :lmao:

 

I know it happens to guys as well, but the dynamic or the behavioural patterns behind it seem different almost. I might be wrong of course. And anyway we could all probably benefit from giving girl-perspective vs boy-perspective advice to one another. :p

Posted
anyway we could all probably benefit from giving girl-perspective vs boy-perspective advice to one another. :p
Absolutely! I guess I just get weary of hearing about how it's always men who do the fade/ghosting, since I've had that happen to me on several occasions. I think the prevalence of online dating, and the illusion of there always being something else or better around the corner, is teaching people (ones in their 20's, especially) to dehumanize and devalue others.

 

Personally, I'm the sensitive artist type, so I don't fit the stereotype of whatever it is men are supposed to be. Get tired of hearing about it. Also, I think women grossly underestimate the amount of emotion men put into their relationships. Numerous studies have shown than men take breakups much harder than women, for example.

 

May the battle of the sexes never be won! :p

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