Why has he gone cold on me?

[Strahatmak]

So many good responses, i'm so much wiser with guys than i use to be, but i've always knew where i've stood by the end of it. I know it wont achieve anything, he could even ignore it. He hasn't been on watsapp for a few days, which is weird for him in it'self (not that im constantly checking) but i suppose if i send this message and he doesnt respond i'll at least have my definite answer. It'll be a week without talking tomorrow, and the previous week was when he started going a bit weird.

 

'hey Ricky, is everything ok? I've barely heard from you, as fas as i'm aware we are seeing each other so i want to know where I stand, if you've got stuff going on i'd understand that and i'm not going to pry, if you've lost interest can you give me a heads up. I don't even want a long excuse, we've seen each other long enough to not just abruptly end this in a jerky way without any words...and you know i'm an 'understanding guy' ha. Hope you're well '

 

Would this sound aweful and clingy? What should i change/take out? (Even though i know that this is going against everything you've mainly all sugested.

'

 

I agree with others that it sounds pathetic. You'd better off not sending this.

 

IF YOU MUST TALK TO HIM, CUT IT SHORT. Stay cool = keep it short, =not asking questions, = you are REAL cool. I am not a pro here but something like, "Know what? I am out with my friends on a short trip and I am thrilled! I had fun with you and thanks! Good luck on your stuffs!" is better. If he got nervous, he will come to you and ask what is going on; if he is not that into you or he met someone else, he will not respond or he will also give you a thank you message. End this on your own term.

[BluEyeL]

Don't send ANY text at all. Consider yourself dumped and go buy some ice cream. Disappear. I'll bet money on the fact that you'll hear from him. But it could be one year later. And nothing will come out of it anyway. I've heard from ALL of my exes or whatever, guys I've dated briefly for 1-3 months.

 

I've been dumped at 3 months as well, but at least the jerk was experienced in break ups and just gave me a call to dump me. Yours is more of a coward. Don't send any pathetic text like that.

[RoseVille]

No I am just regurgitating stuff I have learned from my brothers (five ) both from observing them and how they behave, interact .... and respond to the women *they* date and have relationships with ... and what they have shared with me re my own relationships.

 

The OP isn't a woman.

 

I also have brothers, and they don't advise me the way you do.

[HereNorThere]

So many good responses, i'm so much wiser with guys than i use to be, but i've always knew where i've stood by the end of it. I know it wont achieve anything, he could even ignore it. He hasn't been on watsapp for a few days, which is weird for him in it'self (not that im constantly checking) but i suppose if i send this message and he doesnt respond i'll at least have my definite answer. It'll be a week without talking tomorrow, and the previous week was when he started going a bit weird.

 

'hey Ricky, is everything ok? I've barely heard from you, as fas as i'm aware we are seeing each other so i want to know where I stand, if you've got stuff going on i'd understand that and i'm not going to pry, if you've lost interest can you give me a heads up. I don't even want a long excuse, we've seen each other long enough to not just abruptly end this in a jerky way without any words...and you know i'm an 'understanding guy' ha. Hope you're well '

 

Would this sound aweful and clingy? What should i change/take out? (Even though i know that this is going against everything you've mainly all sugested.

'

 

This is the OPPOSITE of the kind of text you want to send. If you want to re-engage and test the waters, you have to be as cool as a cucumber, dude. You can't come across as needy and begging for his attention. I know, I know, you probably deserve an explanation, but this is a game with rules that really don't make any sense. You can either learn to play the game or continue to watch other people have success because they are.

 

Don't ask if anything is okay or for any explanations. Your job is to pretend that nothing happened and create a fun, safe place for him to come back to. No one likes going home past curfew knowing their Mom and Dad are waiting up to whoop them.

 

Truthfully, he may not even know what's going on with him. Sometimes we men get freaked out in relationships and don't like to admit that we're emotional creatures.

 

Good luck and don't send no crazy text like that!!!

[katiegrl]

Don't send ANY text at all. Consider yourself dumped and go buy some ice cream. Disappear. I'll bet money on the fact that you'll hear from him. But it could be one year later. And nothing will come out of it anyway. I've heard from ALL of my exes or whatever, guys I've dated briefly for 1-3 months.

 

I've been dumped at 3 months as well, but at least the jerk was experienced in break ups and just gave me a call to dump me. Yours is more of a coward. Don't send any pathetic text like that.

 

^^This. When a guy pulls back like this, and fades .....YOU pull back and pull your own fade!

 

It's the appreciate response ...the ONLY response.

 

Anything other than this is considered chasing .....and will serve no purpose other than feeding his ego, and making you feel worse!

 

His no response IS his response. He has lost interest, period.

 

So Blu is right. Fall off his radar, disappear.

 

My guess is he'll be back at some point ....I have heard of guys doing this and contacting their ex's an entire year later!

Edited August 6, 2015 by katiegrl

[kendahke]

'hey Ricky, is everything ok? I've barely heard from you, as fas as i'm aware we are seeing each other so i want to know where I stand, if you've got stuff going on i'd understand that and i'm not going to pry, if you've lost interest can you give me a heads up. I don't even want a long excuse, we've seen each other long enough to not just abruptly end this in a jerky way without any words...and you know i'm an 'understanding guy' ha. Hope you're well '

 

Do not send that. You're too busy giving him an out. He needs to do the heavy lifting here, not you.

[katiegrl]

This is the OPPOSITE of the kind of text you want to send. If you want to re-engage and test the waters, you have to be as cool as a cucumber, dude. You can't come across as needy and begging for his attention. I know, I know, you probably deserve an explanation, but this is a game with rules that really don't make any sense. You can either learn to play the game or continue to watch other people have success because they are.

 

Don't ask if anything is okay or for any explanations.

 

 

***Your job is to pretend that nothing happened and create a fun, safe place for him to come back to.****

 

 

No one likes going home past curfew knowing their Mom and Dad are waiting up to whoop them.

 

Truthfully, he may not even know what's going on with him. Sometimes we men get freaked out in relationships and don't like to admit that we're emotional creatures.

 

Good luck and don't send no crazy text like that!!!

 

Quote in asterisk ......Wha?

 

He is behaving like a twit ....and your advice is to play nicey-nice, thus essentially *rewarding* him for ignoring her and behaving like a cowardly twit?

 

I am sorry but that sends him a REALLY bad message. Like "hey no worries, you can treat me like yesterday's garbage, and I'll still be here waiting for you with bated breath ....no problem babe"!

 

BAD MESSAGE!

 

She should be furious! He is jerking her around, not communicating with her, fading on her with no explanation.

 

That does not warrant her being " nice" ....and creating a safe environment for him to return to.

 

It warrants her pulling her own damn fade and disappearing.

Edited August 6, 2015 by katiegrl

[martaldn]

dont send anything.

Silence is the best answer you can give to someone is giving you this kind of treatment.

no words speak loud and clear " I dont care about you like you dont care about me"

 

he doesn't deserve your heartache and your time.. I know its hard but you should hold on there and with the time it will get easier and easier.

dont lose your dignity for this person.

people that fade away after 3 months without giving you a word are not someone you want to chase.

[RoseVille]

This is the OPPOSITE of the kind of text you want to send. If you want to re-engage and test the waters, you have to be as cool as a cucumber, dude. You can't come across as needy and begging for his attention. I know, I know, you probably deserve an explanation, but this is a game with rules that really don't make any sense. You can either learn to play the game or continue to watch other people have success because they are.

 

Don't ask if anything is okay or for any explanations. Your job is to pretend that nothing happened and create a fun, safe place for him to come back to. No one likes going home past curfew knowing their Mom and Dad are waiting up to whoop them.

 

Truthfully, he may not even know what's going on with him. Sometimes we men get freaked out in relationships and don't like to admit that we're emotional creatures.

 

Good luck and don't send no crazy text like that!!!

 

Yes! So much this! Keep on being you, and don't whine (your proposed text), hassle him, pull back, or create any sort of negativity.

 

Frankly, many men pull back when they get uncertain. The best response is one that shows him you understand that process and aren't phased by it at all, and that you'll be welcoming when he sorts his head out and comes back full force.

[RoseVille]

Quote in asterisk ......Wha?

 

He is behaving like a twit ....and your advice is to play nicey-nice, thus essentially *rewarding* him for ignoring her and behaving like a cowardly twit?

 

I am sorry but that sends him a REALLY bad message. Like "hey no worries, you can treat me like yesterday's garbage, and I'll still be here waiting for you with bated breath ....no problem babe"!

 

BAD MESSAGE!

 

She should be furious! He is jerking her around, not communicating with her, fading on her with no explanation.

 

That does not warrant her being " nice" ....and creating a safe environment for him to return to.

 

It warrants her pulling her own damn fade and disappearing.

 

OP isn't a woman per his texts above. He's an "understanding guy."

[Redhead14]

I met a guy online, after trawling through creepy guys I ended up speaking to this guy we talked for a while before eventually meeting up. I was terrified but went for it anyway, we got on so well, we had a drink and ended up talking and laughing for almost 3 hours. We've been on dates since, each time having a really great time we just laugh so much together, he's never let me pay, however I have a couple of times after forcing him to let me.

 

I told him I wanted to take it all slowly, he told me that it was absolutely fine with him, we could take it as slow as I liked. I met his house mate, it was date 10 before we done anything sexual. We went out on dates to places, he was gentlemanly, we cooked together a couple of times at his.

 

So we've been seeing each other for 3 months, he went away on holiday with his mates for a week, he text me whilst he was away, but not an aweful lot - not that I even expected him to really- he was with his friends.

 

When he got back he was back to messaging me like he had before.

 

I saw him last Wednesday when he got back from holiday, and he gave me a present he had got me whilst he was on holiday - it was a little present that tied in with our first conversation we ever had and that had turned into an ongoing joke together. He said 'now every time you look at it you can think of me' obviously this was sweet but it was half joky too.

 

He text me saying he had a really nice time and it was nice to have seen me.

 

Thursday he was messaging me, Friday he did up until lunchtime, then I didn't hear from him till the following evening but just shorter messages. Obviously my mind went into crazy girl mode, we had mentioned doing something on the weekend, we had usually been meeting up on Sundays. I had text him late that morning, to let me know if he still wanted to do something. He didn't reply till later that afternoon, saying he was so hungover so he wouldn't be able to do anything today.

 

Monday he said he was still suffering from his hangover, Tuesday too, Wednesday he had to go see his niece, he'd text about once each day, but a little vacant, Wednesday he said his Thursday football might be cancelled so he might be free, he'd let me know. Thursday he text saying it was on but he could cancel because he felt bad, I replied a few hours later but he didn't even look at the message and I didn't hear back from him till Friday, he sent a message saying he was sorry for not being in contact the last couple of days (i'm not sure if he's aware he had been a week!) he'd been working late and going in early (I know his work does get very stressful sometimes and there are times things have gone wrong and he's stayed late and gone in earlier) said he's got alot going on at the mo

 

I waited a few hours before replying, I just said I hoped that whatever is going on gets better, I didn't want to pry, not sure if he's going cold because he's not interested anymore, or if he does just have alot going on at the moment - either way i would have understood that completely.

 

He replied saying thanks, and told me he had a work thing tomorrow and where it was.

 

I had said a couple of times to let me know if he can meet up, but he hasn't initiated making plans, so I'm not going to mention it now and wait and see if he does.

 

How long do I wait to say 'what is going on?' or do I just say 'do you even want to see me again?

 

As the days have gone on I've just got the feeling he's lost interest, but it's all sudden and out of the blue especially after giving me a thoughtful gift from holiday, nothing had even happened and nothing had been said for him to freak out and think 'WOW, SHE'S CRAZY'

 

I'm just a bit confused as to why he's gone cold on me, and how long do I leave it before saying anything about it? Because obviously if he needs space, that's fine. But obviously if he's not interested in me any more I want to know.

 

Surely after 3 months of 'seeing each other' as he refers to it as, he wouldn't just go cold on me and not tell me he doesn't want to see me again?

 

I think I've said that all.

Surely after 3 months of 'seeing each other' as he refers to it as, he wouldn't just go cold on me and not tell me he doesn't want to see me again? -- It happens all the time.

 

But obviously if he's not interested in me any more I want to know. -- If he's not contacting you or asking to see you, you know he's not interested. It's not a secret . . . why do you need to hear the words? Hearing the words doesn't work like some magic to help a person feel better about it. It's more like being hit by a train . . . Even if you live, there will be broken bones and other injuries, some of which may never heal.

[katiegrl]

OP isn't a woman per his texts above. He's an "understanding guy."

 

I interpreted that as a tongue-n-cheek comment ....hence the quotes and haha after it.

 

But okay ....so this is a gay relationship?

 

I wish posters would state that at the beginning .....because the dynamic is different in gay relationships, and I know nothing about them other than that.

[myothernic2]

I interpreted that as a tongue-n-cheek comment ....hence the quotes and haha after it.

 

But okay ....so this is a gay relationship?

 

I wish posters would state that at the beginning .....because the dynamic is different in gay relationships, and I know nothing about them other than that.

 

Well, this is what the OP said..

 

 

"As the days have gone on I've just got the feeling he's lost interest, but it's all sudden and out of the blue especially after giving me a thoughtful gift from holiday, nothing had even happened and nothing had been said for him to freak out and think 'WOW, SHE'S CRAZY'"

[katiegrl]

Well, this is what the OP said..

 

 

"As the days have gone on I've just got the feeling he's lost interest, but it's all sudden and out of the blue especially after giving me a thoughtful gift from holiday, nothing had even happened and nothing had been said for him to freak out and think 'WOW, SHE'S CRAZY'"

 

LOL ...of course the OP is a woman! All throughout this thread, it's obvious she's a woman and he's a man.

 

I was only responding (sarcastically) to Roseville's contention that the OP was a man, based on one comment she made, that was obviously meant as tongue-n-cheek.

[beach]

Don't send him any text!

 

He isn't even texting you - that's how little effort he's making.

 

Ignore him. Figure it's over. He's spending his time and energy on someone else.

 

It's not decent the way he's messing with you. Why would you want any man who isn't decent?

 

Get busy dating new guys. Hopefully, when he finally comes back to plan B (you) - the response from you will be crickets to him.

[katiegrl]

Don't send him any text!

 

He isn't even texting you - that's how little effort he's making.

 

Ignore him. Figure it's over. He's spending his time and energy on someone else.

 

It's not decent the way he's messing with you. Why would you want any man who isn't decent?

 

Get busy dating new guys. Hopefully, when he finally comes back to plan B (you) - the response from you will be crickets to him.

 

^^So much this.....

 

Have some self-respect. No woman deserves this .....even assuming he is *uncertain* or *ambivalent*.

 

His behavior is insensitive and inconsiderate....and if he *does* come back, and you take him back (happily no questions asked like another poster suggested), expect more of the same, because by accepting him back with no consequences .....you have essentially *taught* him you lack self-respect and don't believe you deserve better treatment and to be treated more respectfully and considerately in your relationships.

 

Not a good message to send.

Edited August 6, 2015 by katiegrl

[Strahatmak]

Don't send him any text!

 

He isn't even texting you - that's how little effort he's making.

 

Ignore him. Figure it's over. He's spending his time and energy on someone else.

 

It's not decent the way he's messing with you. Why would you want any man who isn't decent?

 

Get busy dating new guys. Hopefully, when he finally comes back to plan B (you) - the response from you will be crickets to him.

 

^^^ exactly.

 

Quoted from a guy friend of mine, "look for a prince that treats you princess... just look for a prince that fits you." Bottom line: do not be a beggar.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Oh man, I consider it over if I don't hear from a guy for 2 days.

[HereNorThere]

There is what's right and just in the Universe and there is also what works. If you want to punish or hold him responsible for what he did, by all means go ahead and let him have it. However, know that this will put the final nails in the coffin for the relationship (if they aren't already there.) If you play it cool and keep it, fun, etc. you're more likely to get him back into your life. There will be plenty of time after that to generate sympathy and empathy from him if you so desire.

[BluEyeL]

There is what's right and just in the Universe and there is also what works. If you want to punish or hold him responsible for what he did, by all means go ahead and let him have it. However, know that this will put the final nails in the coffin for the relationship (if they aren't already there.) If you play it cool and keep it, fun, etc. you're more likely to get him back into your life. There will be plenty of time after that to generate sympathy and empathy from him if you so desire.

 

Bul*****! It's going to be no relationship with this guy once he's gone cold. They always come back but you'd be a fool to take them because they'll do it again.

 

So I've been dating a guy for 3 months, Jan 14-Apr14. No sex. He faded, I went dark and continued to date others. He called me July 2015, more than 1 year later and told me that he's sorry he was out of touch, but he was "busy" and asked if I was still single. It felt awesome and super awesome to sweetly tell him that no, I'm not single, that ship had sailed. That's the best revenge.

[HereNorThere]

Bul*****! It's going to be no relationship with this guy once he's gone cold. They always come back but you'd be a fool to take them because they'll do it again.

 

So I've been dating a guy for 3 months, Jan 14-Apr14. No sex. He faded, I went dark and continued to date others. He called me July 2015, more than 1 year later and told me that he's sorry he was out of touch, but he was "busy" and asked if I was still single. It felt awesome and super awesome to sweetly tell him that no, I'm not single, that ship had sailed. That's the best revenge.

 

 

I never said this guy was worth it or that he should. I just gave him the directions on how to do if he wanted. I've had various relationships I've rekindled multiple times throughout the years. Some get boyfriends, some get married and divorced, whatever, and eventually they end up single again and we hang out. Some people can handle these friends with benefits situations, some can't but this really doesn't seem like it was some deep relationship. They were "seeing each other" which is really just hanging out and hooking up, right? Most of the time I was the one who didn't really want anything more from them, hence they took off once they found someone who did. YMMV

[katiegrl]

There is what's right and just in the Universe and there is also what works. If you want to punish or hold him responsible for what he did, by all means go ahead and let him have it. However, know that this will put the final nails in the coffin for the relationship (if they aren't already there.) If you play it cool and keep it, fun, etc. you're more likely to get him back into your life. There will be plenty of time after that to generate sympathy and empathy from him if you so desire.

 

I don't think anyone suggested or is recommending she "punish" him and "let him have it." Who said that? If someone did say it, I must've missed it....

 

What we are suggesting is that she pay attention to his actions here (ignoring her, not communicating with her, pulling back.... fading), by respecting herself and distancing herself in response.

 

You can't disagree that his behavior here is unacceptable, can you?

 

They have been consistently dating three months, were quite close, if he was feeling uncertain, ambivalent or freaked out for any reason, he should have discussed this with her like a mature adult....not just disappeared. That's just wrong no matter how you look at it.

 

No one said anything about lashing out with some sort of snippy retort.

 

She needs to just distance herself... if and when he comes back, she can deal with it then.

 

If it were me...I would not make it so easy for him to return though...otherwise he may get the message his behavior was okay with me which it was NOT. It's inconsiderate (of MY feelings) and disrespectful (to me and to our relationship up to that point).

 

NOT to punish him...but honestly for me? I would be questioning whether or not I would even want to be in a RL with a man who behaves this way in response to uncertainty or conflict -- by disappearing. He would have to do some pretty heavy lifting to convince me to TRUST him again.

Edited August 6, 2015 by katiegrl

[ellj]

I honestly would have gone crazy and sent this earlier if I hadn't off joined this forum! I know everything you are all saying is right, I shouldn't give my time and energy in trying to communicate with someone who's clearly not treating me in a nice way. I think it's gone past the point of 'oh he might have something going on and just need space' I just find it hard to deal with the not knowing the reason because I think I'm a pretty nice person bringing zero drama to the table. If it had been rocky or we had disagreed on something or had an argument or ANYTHING that could have put him off then I would have understood the distancing thing a bit more in my head.

 

Sigh. Thank you all so much for your advice! Just adds to my long list of why I don't trust guys. This one earnt my trust, probably why I don't want to believe he's turned into a jerk. But yeah, it wasn't all about sex, I waited till date 10 before anything happened, he didn't push me, never made me feel uncomfortable, we went out on propper dates where we sat and talked, went on fun dates too, he wanted me to meet his house mate and we all hung out together and had dinner together a few times.

 

Just to clarify...I am a girl ha ha, the reference of 'I'm an understanding guy' was something I'd said to him ages ago and became an ongoing joke.

 

Oh well...I guess I'll remove his stupid (yet at the time bloody awesome and thoughtful) present from my windowsill so it doesn't keep rubbing my face in the fact that men are massive jerks!

 

'I got you a present from holiday, every time you look at it you can think of me' what he forgot to add to the end of it was '...because I have zero intention of ever seeing you again' ha

[RoseVille]

^^Losing interest doesn't make him a jerk. He's distancing himself, which is obvious. But he's not being a d*ck, IMO.

[RoseVille]

LOL ...of course the OP is a woman! All throughout this thread, it's obvious she's a woman and he's a man.

 

I was only responding (sarcastically) to Roseville's contention that the OP was a man, based on one comment she made, that was obviously meant as tongue-n-cheek.

 

Because you apply broad brushstroke generalities to the genders. It very easily could have been a gay relationship, there was nothing about the interaction between them that was "obvious" that she's a woman and he's a man. This sort of interaction, and ghosting, goes both ways, both genders, both straight and gay. But your advise in this and other threads says otherwise.

 

When someone pulls back, chill. Keep on keeping on. Be cool calm and collected. Don't play games. That's true of both genders.