Empyrea Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 How's it going? I'm experiencing a similar thing at the moment.. didn't know that 3 months was some sort of a landmark... :/ The thing is, I know that if I were to initiate conversation, he would definitely reply, but I'm just tired of doing that. I need to know at what point, if at all, he will think to contact me. To me that's strange. To chat almost daily for three months and then stop. Surely you know who the person is at that point. It just doesn't make sense
kizik15 Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 How's it going? I'm experiencing a similar thing at the moment.. didn't know that 3 months was some sort of a landmark... :/ ... To me that's strange. To chat almost daily for three months and then stop. Surely you know who the person is at that point. It just doesn't make sense I'm starting to think, based on these similarities to you ladies' experience and mine, that 3 months is significant in terms of interest weaning, or not. And yes.. to totally change it up on us is really weird and disrespectful.
HereNorThere Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 How's it going? I'm experiencing a similar thing at the moment.. didn't know that 3 months was some sort of a landmark... :/ The thing is, I know that if I were to initiate conversation, he would definitely reply, but I'm just tired of doing that. I need to know at what point, if at all, he will think to contact me. To me that's strange. To chat almost daily for three months and then stop. Surely you know who the person is at that point. It just doesn't make sense There's no magic 3 month number, but there is a scientific reason for the honeymoon period. New attraction floods the brain with all sorts of crazy making neurotransmitters and chemicals that mimic obsessive compulsive disorder. Dopamine, serotonin, vasopressin, oxytocin, etc. Over time these chemicals level out and the honeymoon period is over. Healthy people move onto another stage called attachment love. Truthfully, attachment love feels better than anxious, craxy making, honeymoon period love, but it lacks the rush. To me, it's more warm and reassuring. The honeymoon period can be a bit maddening and isn't as fun for me as it once was. Some people move from person to person seeking out the rush and validation of the honeymoon period, especially when they're younger. Eventually most of them settle down, but some never really do. 2
Author ellj Posted August 4, 2015 Author Posted August 4, 2015 How's it going? I'm experiencing a similar thing at the moment.. didn't know that 3 months was some sort of a landmark... :/ The thing is, I know that if I were to initiate conversation, he would definitely reply, but I'm just tired of doing that. I need to know at what point, if at all, he will think to contact me. To me that's strange. To chat almost daily for three months and then stop. Surely you know who the person is at that point. It just doesn't make sense I've read alot of posts on here that say around the 3 month mark...I too didn't realise this, but it seems to be a reoccurring theme... He still hasn't been in contact, I'm trying to leave it this week because I don't want to be that annoying crazy girl. No one likes an annoying crazy girl. I think that's long enough for me to leave it to see if he bothers. Surely It's right for me to want to know whether we are still 'seeing each other' or not? I don't want to go trying to meet other dates if he's genuinely just got something on in his life because I really like him. However, if he's lost interest I need to know...so I can...get on with it and forget him. However...who on earth these days isn't messing around on there phone and it takes a minute jut to send a short message. I think in your case, maybe you should just wait for him to contact you? Do you speak to him daily?
RebelWithoutACause Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 He still hasn't been in contact, I'm trying to leave it this week because I don't want to be that annoying crazy girl. No one likes an annoying crazy girl. First of all wanting to know where you stand with someone you're physically and emotionally involved with is absolutely not crazy. Especially after they've been mia for over a week. Unless he contacts you with a specific suggestion for when and where to get together do not reply to him. He's doing a slow fade and if you keep acting like nothing is going on it makes it look like there is nothing wrong with his actions. Go NC until he comes back with a date invite. Even then proceed with caution, he's not reliable. However, if he's lost interest I need to know... You know already. Go NC, move on. He'll likely crawl out of the woodwork at some point anyways but to me lack of consistency is such a huge turn off i'd be long gone.
Author ellj Posted August 4, 2015 Author Posted August 4, 2015 I know everything you have just said is completely right NC at all? as in...I should just presume he has lost interest and not ever say anything if he never contacts me, or would you after a certain amount on time attempt a message of asking him what the hell is going on?
RebelWithoutACause Posted August 4, 2015 Posted August 4, 2015 would you after a certain amount on time attempt a message of asking him what the hell is going on? What good would come from asking this in the future? He'll either ignore, lie or try to twist the blame on you. If within a reasonable amount of time (lets say within the next week) he gets in touch and asks you out it's up to you if you want to go. But if he leaves it any longer than that i'd completely write him off, block him, delete him. In the meantime keep strict NC particularly if he send you some random, unimportant nonsense about his everyday life. You're not his buddy and he's definitely not acting like you're the one he's dating so ignore him. Only reply if he is proposing firm plans to see you. Essentially you should give this dude no more than another week to get his sh*! together and makeup his mind. People sometimes do need some space to clear their heads but enough is enough.
Author ellj Posted August 4, 2015 Author Posted August 4, 2015 Everything you have said has been PERFECT. I'm new to the dating thing, and I've never been in this position before so thank you for your help and advice! 1
Author ellj Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 Right so, say I was too do the complete opposite of what is advised - and at the end of the week contact him just to ask what the hell....what on earth should I and should I definitely not say? I know I shouldn't contact him, but I feel I need to just for the clarity...how dare he go cold on me without reason after giving me a present when seeing each other for 3 months and talking every day?! (obviously i'm having a bad day)
katiegrl Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 I'm starting to think, based on these similarities to you ladies' experience and mine, that 3 months is significant in terms of interest weaning, or not. And yes.. to totally change it up on us is really weird and disrespectful. The three month mark IS significant. It's the time when couples decide whether the relationship should advance to the next level (more serious) or break up. This moving to the next level freaks out some people out (mostly men), and they become ambivalent, start doubting and pull back. That is precisely what the woman should too.....pull back! Stop being so available, stop taking his calls, just doing your own thing, live your life, show him you can be happy with or WITHOUT him! You don't need him to be happy! This will give him the opportunity and space to determine what the hell he wants. If he decides he wants YOU, he will come and find you. In the meantime, pull back, and do your own thing.... Best advice I was ever given .....by my very wise older brother. Thanks Pete! 2
kendahke Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 (edited) The Representatives are notorious for being able to get along really well. The Real You's are notorious for incompatibility. Can the real you tolerate the real him, and vice versa? The Representatives are who each of you sent out when this relationship started. They're done with their job and have gone on their way. The Real You is now on deck and will remain so for the duration of this involvement, hence the "honeymoon" period being over. Edited August 5, 2015 by kendahke 1
katiegrl Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 (edited) Right so, say I was too do the complete opposite of what is advised - and at the end of the week contact him just to ask what the hell....what on earth should I and should I definitely not say? I know I shouldn't contact him, but I feel I need to just for the clarity...how dare he go cold on me without reason after giving me a present when seeing each other for 3 months and talking every day?! (obviously i'm having a bad day) Second paragraph .....yeah that is exactly what you should NOT do. Unless you want to push him FURTHER away. You need to learn to contain your anxiety. Don't burden him with it.... your anxiety is your issue to deal with, not his. When you are feeling particularly anxious, insecure, and wanting to reach out seeking reassurance or clarification, go for a run, do yoga, do something else to alleviate the anxiety. When a guy is pulling away, whether it's because he's just super busy, re-assessing the relationship before moving to the next level, or he just lost interest, burdening him with your anxiety seeking answers will serve NO purpose other than to push him away .....all the way. Do something else. Live your life. Show him you can be happy with OR without him. Navigating all the different stages of a developing relationship is not for the faint-hearted. It requires resilience, flexibility and a thick skin. It's not easy, but in the end it's all worth it! Good luck! Edited August 5, 2015 by katiegrl 1
RoseVille Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 That weekend when he went out and found himself with a hangover? He met someone, and he's feeling that out. I'd bet money on it. 3
RoseVille Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 The three month mark IS significant. It's the time when couples decide whether the relationship should advance to the next level (more serious) or break up. This moving to the next level freaks out some people out (mostly men), and they become ambivalent, start doubting and pull back. That is precisely what the woman should too.....pull back! Stop being so available, stop taking his calls, just doing your own thing, live your life, show him you can be happy with or WITHOUT him! You don't need him to be happy! This will give him the opportunity and space to determine what the hell he wants. If he decides he wants YOU, he will come and find you. In the meantime, pull back, and do your own thing.... Best advice I was ever given .....by my very wise older brother. Thanks Pete! To intentionally pull back is gamesmanship. She shouldn't chase after him, she shouldn't pull back either. She should continue being the version of her that she was for the past three months - cool, calm, collected, pleasant.
katiegrl Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 (edited) To intentionally pull back is gamesmanship. She shouldn't chase after him, she shouldn't pull back either. She should continue being the version of her that she was for the past three months - cool, calm, collected, pleasant. While I do agree with the rest of your post, pulling back is not a game, it should be your natural instinct! When a man pulls back, in response, human nature dictates YOU pull back. It's not a *strategy* .... it's taking of YOU and protecting YOU. It's understanding human nature and all the nuances that entail a developing relationship. It's allowing him the space to figure shyt out, whether to move to next level, break up or something in between. Just live your life and do your own thing. Not as a strategy, but because you are a mature, emotionally balanced, independent woman with a life. And you don't need him or any man to make you happy. He is there to *enhance* your already happy life.....not "be" your life. Rose, I am not sure, but I am fairly certain you and I are in the same page about that... Edited August 5, 2015 by katiegrl 1
RoseVille Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 While I do agree with the rest of your post, pulling back is not a game, it should be your natural instinct! When a man pulls back, in response, human nature dictates YOU pull back. It's not a *strategy* .... it's taking of YOU and protecting YOU. It's understanding human nature and all the nuances that entail a developing relationship. It's allowing him the space to figure shyt out, whether to move to next level, break up or something in between. Just live your life and do your own thing. Not as a strategy, but because you are a mature, emotionally balanced, independent woman with a life. And you don't need him or any man to make you happy. He is there to *enhance* your already happy life.....not "be" your life. Rose, I am not sure, but I am fairly certain you and I are in the same page about that... You should be doing that anyway. There shouldn't be any intentional crap going on, mirroring what you THINK the other person is doing. Particularly because often times he might not actually be "pulling back," but rather just dealing with his own crap. And if you then pull back, well... that can cause problems. Honestly, I feel that sometimes you're just regurgitating stuff you read in a John Gray book. And yes, you are encouraging gamesmanship. 1
katiegrl Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 (edited) You should be doing that anyway. There shouldn't be any intentional crap going on, mirroring what you THINK the other person is doing. Particularly because often times he might not actually be "pulling back," but rather just dealing with his own crap. And if you then pull back, well... that can cause problems. Honestly, I feel that sometimes you're just regurgitating stuff you read in a John Gray book. And yes, you are encouraging gamesmanship. No I am just regurgitating stuff I have learned from my brothers (five ) both from observing them and how they behave, interact .... and respond to the women *they* date and have relationships with ... and what they have shared with me re my own relationships. And they all recommend pulling back when a man pulls back, for the reasons I stated earlier. I am also regurgitating stuff I have learned though my own experiences and relationships, which has served me very well ....all leading to long term relationships, including current. I have read John Grey and while some of the stuff I agree with, other stuff he advocates is old school and completely irrelevant and even counter-productive imo. Edited August 5, 2015 by katiegrl
katiegrl Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 No I am just regurgitating stuff I have learned from my brothers (five ) both from observing them and how they behave, interact .... and respond to the women *they* date and have relationships with ... and what they have shared with me re my own relationships. And they all recommend pulling back when a man pulls back, for the reasons I stated earlier. I am also regurgitating stuff I have learned though my own experiences and relationships, which has served me very well ....all leading to long term relationships, including current. I have read John Grey and while some of the stuff I agree with, other stuff he advocates is old school and completely irrelevant and even counter-productive imo. In addition Rose, how do suggest a woman remain the same, interact with him the same, be as calm, cool, collected and pleasant as she's always been, when HE has pulled back and is not contacting her? Or not wanting to spend as much time with her ....if at all? There IS no opportunity for her to be the same, they're not spending any time together .... he's pulled back remember?? I am not understanding your rationale there.
RebelWithoutACause Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Right so, say I was too do the complete opposite of what is advised - and at the end of the week contact him just to ask what the hell....what on earth should I and should I definitely not say? I know I shouldn't contact him, but I feel I need to just for the clarity...how dare he go cold on me without reason after giving me a present when seeing each other for 3 months and talking every day?! (obviously i'm having a bad day) If you were to contact him what would be a "good" outcome for you? Because if you call him out on it, the most likely response you'll get is: "I'm sorry but I've been very busy, you obviously cannot be patient with me so at this point I think it's better if we stopped seeing each other. I don't have the time to date you right now". Or something along those lines. Which is bs but it's easier than coming right out and saying he's lost interest. If you're ready for, or need the formal rejection then go ahead and contact him. And if you do, don't ask or beg for explanations, just let him know that based on his current lack of efforts you believe he's no longer interested in pursuing anything further with you, wish him luck, delete him number. Move. On.
Strahatmak Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Right so, say I was too do the complete opposite of what is advised - and at the end of the week contact him just to ask what the hell....what on earth should I and should I definitely not say? I know I shouldn't contact him, but I feel I need to just for the clarity...how dare he go cold on me without reason after giving me a present when seeing each other for 3 months and talking every day?! (obviously i'm having a bad day) You can be upfront and blunt, but at the same time stay (or act) cool. You are looking for a talk, not for begging or demanding him. You would run away, thought this guy was crazy and clingy and needy as well, if you were him. ... if that will make you feel better and final, go talk to him and prepare for the worst. Otherwise, practice your patiance, work on your life and happiness on other things, keep your option open, and yell at your friends instead
HereNorThere Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 (edited) I may be the voice of dissent here, but I think the best strategy is to send some really funny picture or something that sparks conversation and act like nothing ever happened. Why? Because at this point he's probably avoiding the whole situation because he doesn't want to have to be held accountable for his actions. By sending something funny (like a freakin lolcat picture!) and keeping it light-hearted, he'll know you aren't going to give him a beat down and if he wants to re-engage, he will. Something related to an inside joke between the two of you would be perfect. This is the method I use. If the meme or picture and little quip is funny enough, I usually get something back. Then we just kinda send little random bits until it's back on again. Somewhere in there, they usually apologize and give an excuse about how busy they've been and I usually act like it was no big deal and just empathize and make up some BS about how busy I've been as well. Edited August 5, 2015 by HereNorThere 1
Author ellj Posted August 6, 2015 Author Posted August 6, 2015 So many good responses, i'm so much wiser with guys than i use to be, but i've always knew where i've stood by the end of it. I know it wont achieve anything, he could even ignore it. He hasn't been on watsapp for a few days, which is weird for him in it'self (not that im constantly checking) but i suppose if i send this message and he doesnt respond i'll at least have my definite answer. It'll be a week without talking tomorrow, and the previous week was when he started going a bit weird. 'hey Ricky, is everything ok? I've barely heard from you, as fas as i'm aware we are seeing each other so i want to know where I stand, if you've got stuff going on i'd understand that and i'm not going to pry, if you've lost interest can you give me a heads up. I don't even want a long excuse, we've seen each other long enough to not just abruptly end this in a jerky way without any words...and you know i'm an 'understanding guy' ha. Hope you're well ' Would this sound aweful and clingy? What should i change/take out? (Even though i know that this is going against everything you've mainly all sugested. '
clia Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 So many good responses, i'm so much wiser with guys than i use to be, but i've always knew where i've stood by the end of it. I know it wont achieve anything, he could even ignore it. He hasn't been on watsapp for a few days, which is weird for him in it'self (not that im constantly checking) but i suppose if i send this message and he doesnt respond i'll at least have my definite answer. It'll be a week without talking tomorrow, and the previous week was when he started going a bit weird. 'hey Ricky, is everything ok? I've barely heard from you, as fas as i'm aware we are seeing each other so i want to know where I stand, if you've got stuff going on i'd understand that and i'm not going to pry, if you've lost interest can you give me a heads up. I don't even want a long excuse, we've seen each other long enough to not just abruptly end this in a jerky way without any words...and you know i'm an 'understanding guy' ha. Hope you're well ' Would this sound aweful and clingy? What should i change/take out? (Even though i know that this is going against everything you've mainly all sugested. ' Please don't send this text! It sounds pathetic. And he's already given you every indication that he's no longer interested. I'm trying to figure out from your initial post...when was the last time you saw him? July 21? Two weeks? Not good. He's fading/faded. It sucks, I know. I agree with Rose that he probably met someone else during his hangover weekend. Consider yourself single. Make plans with your girl friends this weekend. 6
myothernic2 Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 So many good responses, i'm so much wiser with guys than i use to be, but i've always knew where i've stood by the end of it. I know it wont achieve anything, he could even ignore it. He hasn't been on watsapp for a few days, which is weird for him in it'self (not that im constantly checking) but i suppose if i send this message and he doesnt respond i'll at least have my definite answer. It'll be a week without talking tomorrow, and the previous week was when he started going a bit weird. 'hey Ricky, is everything ok? I've barely heard from you, as fas as i'm aware we are seeing each other so i want to know where I stand, if you've got stuff going on i'd understand that and i'm not going to pry, if you've lost interest can you give me a heads up. I don't even want a long excuse, we've seen each other long enough to not just abruptly end this in a jerky way without any words...and you know i'm an 'understanding guy' ha. Hope you're well ' Would this sound aweful and clingy? What should i change/take out? (Even though i know that this is going against everything you've mainly all sugested. ' Even if he does offer you some crumb response, I'm not sure why you'd want to put yourself in the position of wondering when he'll disappear again or the fact his actions show he's not all that vested anyway..
RebelWithoutACause Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 i want to know where I stand You know where you stand. When somebody treats you so disrespectfully they can't even bother to inform you they don't want to see you anymore all you have left to do is walk away gracefully. Don't ask for explanations, what does it matter why he lost interest? He did and that's all you need to know. If you contact him asking for answers it will only feed his ego about how important he is to you and how you're still thinking about him. But it wont change his mind, it won't change the situation and it probably won't give you the closure you want. Instead delete him and focus on meeting somebody new. 2
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