No contact day after first date

[ZA Dater]

Hi I am a dating coach. Maybe I can help. Inconsistency is a sign of low interest especially when the women says one thing yet does another. She talked about how much she couldn't wait to see you again but made no effort when she was saying this to set another date. She isn't too busy, she isn't dead, and she isn't interested either. This is why she isn't responding.

 

The first mistake you made was telegraphing too much interest. It is only okay to show as much interest as a woman is showing when she is in love (addicted to you... calling you 3 times a day, initiating sex, always needing to be near you when she has a secure attachment style. Women anxious attachment styles act like this when they aren't in love with the only difference being that she won't like you hanging out with your friends). In an ideal world a woman could show interest and us men could reciprocate by showing equal interest. I call this the 50/50 fallacy. You give 50% and she gives back 50%. This is possible in a committed relationship when the woman has more 95% interest (she's in love). However, this isn't the reality. Power in relationships is perceived by the one who is more interested. This is called the Least Interest Principle in psychology. The person who is least interested in the relationship is perceived to have the most power in the relationship. When women have all of the power they feel that they are more manly then the man in the relationship. Most women want to play the role of the woman so this creates problems. Long story short, it kills sexual tension in a relationship when a man is playing his male gender role as the dominant leader. Most men play the aggressor (what you are doing) in which you are trying to court the woman. It isn't your fault though because you have been conditioned to do so.

 

When you over pursue a woman you are playing her role in a relationship as the aggressor. Men are the leaders and women are the aggressors. What this means is "let her come to you". She needs to chase you and wonder where she stands with you emotionally (by not showing more interest than she is) in order for her to feel attraction towards you. Understand that physical attraction and being emotionally drawn to someone are two different things. Good looks only get you so far buddy. After the first date you'd better have a backbone.

 

So this girl was likely attracted to you initially which is why she went out with you. Serial daters go out with you with no intention of every sleeping with you or developing a relationship however this is less common though a possibility. But if she was interested then you probably made some common mistakes on the date. One mistake was agreeing to another date at the end of the first. This kills challenge in a relationship. Why are you wanting to see her again already? And why are you reassuring her that you are interested? It is always better when she wonders where she stands with you. If you seem too aloof you look like a player but if you are too nice you are unattractive. Learn to balance these things are by disagreeing with her sometimes. You said you had a lot in common. If I asked the girl I bet she'd say that you had to much income but you are a really nice guy. Being nice is great but being too nice kills attraction. This is a beta male characteristic. The alpha guy isn't afraid to create a little bit of conflict because he has other options. He is non-needy. This communicates that he isn't attached to an outcome which in itself is an attractive male quality.

 

Finally at the end of the date you should have never reassured her of your interest or your intent to see her again. Women always say that they want to see you again because they want to let you down easy. If they are truly interested then they will secure plans when you ask them but you shouldn't even be doing this. You should have waited a weak to call her for another date. What's worse is that you did but not before preloading this is her mind. Either way this wasn't the mistake that ruined your date. From what I've gathered it seems that the mistake was telegraphing too much interest too soon and failing to gain emotional arousal from the woman during the date because women jump at chances to see men again that they've emotionally invested in. How do you know if there is enough investment. She will eventually start chasing you... that's how.

 

Hope this helps. For more information check out my blog Attraction X.

 

With the greatest of respect your qualification and experience I am going to disagree with all of the above and here is why.

 

 

If dating was so overly complex and the guy needs to worry about making mistakes and one small mistake can lead the whole to flop like a pancake, then why is it people end up dating at all, if this is so complicated?

 

 

Put simply in life you do as you feel and if dating doesn't work like then clearly I and maybe billions of others are totally dense. If I like someone I say so or I hint so, if I like someone I chase them and try make them like me, fact is this whole game favours the female, overwhelmingly so.

 

 

Guys may as well stand in line, hold out their wallets, dump their CV on the table and wait for the female to choose the best one, dramatic I know but to be honest with a few exceptions not too far from the truth, in my opinion anyway.

[Philosopher]

If dating was so overly complex and the guy needs to worry about making mistakes and one small mistake can lead the whole to flop like a pancake, then why is it people end up dating at all, if this is so complicated?.

 

While I can see why sometimes this may seem to be the case, I don't agree it is true that one small mistake will lead to the whole thing flopping over. If girls or guys kept on dumping each other just because one of them made a small mistake sometime during the first few dates, then in my view, hardly any relationships would ever form and almost everyone would remain single. All for the simple reason that everyone makes mistakes from time to time and so are in likelihood going to make mistakes when dating someone new. If a guy makes a little mistake such as texting before she has replied to your previous text or attempting to kiss too soon or too late, if she is truly interested in the guy she will a forgive a mistake like this. Of course bigger mistakes such as calling three times a day will probably result in someone being dumped, ghosted or faded out.

 

To the OP, she probably did not contact you after a seemingly successful first date because she did not have enough interest in you to go on another date. It was probably not because you left another message before she had replied to your first one.

[katiegrl]

 

Use that as a learning experience on how to read interest level ......

 

I agree but in his defense, he came here for advice, and much of that advice was to call/text her again .....even though it was more than obvious (from her lack of response to his two previous texts) that she lost interest, if she ever had any interest in the first place.

 

So he followed the advice given and contacted her AGAIN. She ignored, and now he feels WORSE than he did before he texted again.

[fitnessfan365]

Was going to comment that you shouldn't call her. After all, in today's society people use their smart phones for EVERYTHING. So she wouldn't go days w/o being on her phone at all. Since women love texting, and many prefer it to calling, she'd respond if she wanted to. In my experience, when women are interested they make it easier, not harder.

 

But all you can do is use it as a learning experience and try to take things more at face value in the future. Using common sense and always relying on the simplest explanation, makes life so much easier and enjoyable to live. In the end, she's a woman you had one date with. So get back on OKC and start meeting other women.

Edited August 8, 2015 by fitnessfan365