Mum caught me with my gf and kicked me out of home.

[jen1447]

Cheer up hon, this is good news. I'll elaborate more later. (I think you'll be moving back home plenty quick.)

[whichwayisup]

'Mom, focus on my happiness and the fact I've found someone who loves me, treats me well and cares for me deeply. My sexuality is something you have to accept, and I really need your love and support so I'd appreciate it if you kept snide comments to yourself (give examples of what she's already said, if need be). Or something along those lines.

 

Just give her time to adjust and think it out. Your mom does love you and I think she just had it in her head that you'd have a boyfriend not a girlfriend. Time will help for her to get used to it and hopefully she'll be more open, more accepting and more pleasant all around.

[jen1447]

Ok, here's my take on all this. First of all you met to discuss things - that's good for both of you, and you both deserve credit. Lines of communication are open.

 

Your mom said she accepts you and your GF. (the two of you, assuming you're both reading/posting.) That's the main thing that matters. As to what you suspect are her "true feelings," don't concern yourself so much about that. She's been presented with a major reality shift that it's hard for her to just accept and deal with all at once, so she's bargaining in the hopes that you'll 'come to your senses.' That just means she's hanging onto her sensibilities. That's fine imo, we can't expect to change people's minds by force-feeding them. It's a slow process.

 

She said you're welcome to move back home! And your GF's welcome! That's awesome, and it shows she's actually come a long way in a short time. As to the snide remarks, that'll be a fact of life for a while. I went thru that w/my dad, and I even still do to some extent to this day. Think of that as their learning process - they have to act out in order to try to defend their position but they're actually slowly learning to accept. (I suspect your mom will come along a lot faster than my dad, based on what's happened already.) Anyway just allow her that for the time being and stay above it. Like we said above, you win this battle by taking the high road, not acting out like a teenager.

 

Your mom will see soon enough just what the two of you have, and her ability to fight that and deny it will slowly erode. She'll probably even start to like your GF. (My mom liked all mine once she accepted it.)

 

The reason your mom cried and acted out when you didn't fully accept is that she's hurt by this. It's clear not so much by your sexuality, which I think she'll accept, but by the division between the two of you. That means your mom loves you and that throwing you out wasn't just an "I don't give a damn about you bc you're gay" moment. As long as you love each other, all this can be overcome. Acceptance can be learned with the foundation to support it.

 

What to do - talk to her again and make it clear to her in no uncertain terms that you love her and won't reject her. (She's probably as afraid of that as you are.) But also tell her that your GF is very close to you as well and you don't consider her an experiment or a short-term fling. Then keep your chin up and be prepared to let the occasional snide remark pass you by. Your mom will be learning thru the process, and you'll be making your own mark my showing your resolve and determination w/out resorting to pettiness and reflexive fear. I think eventually that will resolve itself.

 

Also do accept her invite back home with her conditions, assuming they were indeed all reasonable - including your GF being welcome. That will make her feel secure in your presence and your love again and allow her to relax.

 

So bottom line - accept your mom's fears and love her anyway, but don't allow her to dictate your sensibilities. Move back in under her terms. Respect her but live your life and stay above the fray until she comes to terms with things as they are. I think it'll all come together nicely. It did in my case, and we aren't that different.

[Vicki and Astrid]

So bottom line - accept your mom's fears and love her anyway, but don't allow her to dictate your sensibilities. Move back in under her terms. Respect her but live your life and stay above the fray until she comes to terms with things as they are. I think it'll all come together nicely. It did in my case, and we aren't that different.

 

Thanks for all your advice Jen, I think you'd be a fun girl to have a few drinks with.

 

I'm still very wary of bringing my girlfriend around and her hearing the snide remarks, I don't think it's fair on her to have to listen to that, I know I wouldn't like it if her parents were saying things about me. For her part she says she's not worried and only cares what I think.

 

Having said that I understand what you are saying and it is pretty much the course of action I planned to take but confirmation from others that it is the right decision helps.

 

I think the thing holding me back is that I really wanted an apology. Without one I just feel that mum doesn't believe she has done anything wrong and is just manipulating the situation to get it to a comfortable situation for her to be able to deal with it all. I guess that is the best I can hope for right now and I'll just have to work at convincing her that I am still her little girl and slowly drag her away from her comfort zone, or probably better expand her comfort zone to include a daughter in a lesbian relationship.

 

Mum did text last night to say goodnight and that shes loves me, it was the first time she has made contact first since this all happened. It really made me cry.

 

So I guess I'm moving back home. I am really nervous about it, I don't think I could deal with mum losing it again and kicking me out. If that happens there will not be another chance. I would like to say that I believe my mum is better than that but I am not as optimistic as you seem to be. Time will tell.

[jen1447]

Good luck to both of you, and let us know how things are going.

[Vicki and Astrid]

I thought I might update my train wreck of a life now that I finally have some stability back.

 

In short, I moved back home, it was clear that mum's only intention was to undermine my relationship so I moved back in with my girlfriend again.

 

That was going great until she got pregnant. Clearly it's not mine! I had nowhere to go and ended up sharing a house with friends. It was a dump, there was no privacy, people would just walk into my room whenever they wanted. When I came home one day and found people having sex in my bed I knew it was time to go.

 

I moved in to a boarding house and through there got a job. The owners of this place are wonderful and have given my very cheap accommodation above their shop. It's not the penthouse, but it's clean and it's mine.

 

I have not spoken to mum since I moved out and I don't plan to. I keep in contact with my Aunty and despite her pleas that I come and live with her I believe I need to forge my own path.

 

I have lost all my friends and most of my family but I actually feel free and better about my life than I have since I split from my girlfriend.

 

I sometimes cry myself to sleep because I do miss my mum, I desperately want a loving mum, but I can't force that on her. Maybe one day, somewhere down the road we can get back on talking terms but we'll never have that best friend relationship that I think all mums and daughters dream of.

 

When I think that all this happened because of my mums homophobia I feel sick in the stomach. I could have have had group sex and got pregnant to a guy I couldn't even name and I think she would have been happier that me being with another girl.

 

Anyway, I hope you're all keeping well. I guess I'll be back regularly now that I have nothing else to do.

[jen1447]

Aw. Sometimes life sucks. Hang in there. (Hugs)

[shet]

To be homophobic regarding your children always marked someone out as poor parent material. To be so in 2015 is unforgivable. That rift will never heal with your mum and that's how it should be.

 

However, there is a practical element to this. The time will come, however independent you become, when you need a parent. And especially in this age, you don't want to be living estranged at 17 and spend the rest of your life scrambling for rent. You do not want to be doing that if you have an alternative. I suggest sucking up your pride, getting back in touch and repairing the situation enough to enable you to move back. You can find her distasteful in the privacy of your own head for a few years and get yourself on a better footing to leave later on decent terms. Don't tell her about any more partners, and don't take anyone home at all ever.

[Qboro90]

I thought I might update my train wreck of a life now that I finally have some stability back.

 

In short, I moved back home, it was clear that mum's only intention was to undermine my relationship so I moved back in with my girlfriend again.

 

That was going great until she got pregnant. Clearly it's not mine! I had nowhere to go and ended up sharing a house with friends. It was a dump, there was no privacy, people would just walk into my room whenever they wanted. When I came home one day and found people having sex in my bed I knew it was time to go.

 

I moved in to a boarding house and through there got a job. The owners of this place are wonderful and have given my very cheap accommodation above their shop. It's not the penthouse, but it's clean and it's mine.

 

I have not spoken to mum since I moved out and I don't plan to. I keep in contact with my Aunty and despite her pleas that I come and live with her I believe I need to forge my own path.

 

I have lost all my friends and most of my family but I actually feel free and better about my life than I have since I split from my girlfriend.

 

I sometimes cry myself to sleep because I do miss my mum, I desperately want a loving mum, but I can't force that on her. Maybe one day, somewhere down the road we can get back on talking terms but we'll never have that best friend relationship that I think all mums and daughters dream of.

 

When I think that all this happened because of my mums homophobia I feel sick in the stomach. I could have have had group sex and got pregnant to a guy I couldn't even name and I think she would have been happier that me being with another girl.

 

Anyway, I hope you're all keeping well. I guess I'll be back regularly now that I have nothing else to do.

 

 

Sorry if this sounds blunt and crude but it doesn't look like you're making the right decisions and choices in your life based of what you just stated in your last reply. While i sympathize with the fact that you want your mom to accept you for who you are and treat you with respect as well as the guy or girl you're dating at the time, I also think that you have the attitude where you think you know everything and what you feel and think is right and won't accept any rules or regulations from your mom that you don't like.

 

Your mom told you that she wanted you to move back in and your gf was welcome. She stated that it was important to her that you are safe and don't engage in sexual activity promiscuously or result in getting pregnant. These are normal things that any good parent wants for their kids. You cut school to have sex with your gf and you're the one who wants your mom to apologize? While I get that you don't want her to be homophobic and talk down to you about it, you also have to understand that she was brought up and raised in a different era and it will take time for her to get comfortable and fully accepting of you and your lifestyle. Unfortunately you expected this to happen overnight and instead of seeing the bigger picture, which was that your mom loves you and wants you to live at home and will support you regardless of sexual orientation.... You instead focused on little remarks that bothered you and faulted your mom like she was the problem.

 

 

You dated a girl who ended up pregnant. So she clearly wasn't being faithful to you if she was sleeping with another guy at the same time. You broke up with her and moved into a dump which you had to leave, then went to a boarding house. Lost your friends and people close to you. Are you in school at all or working? Seems like you need to do the smart thing and move back home. While I don't know the history of your life and your full relationship with your mom, it also doesn't seem like the worst place to be based on your current situation and options.

 

You can either continue to be basically homeless with no one to support you and care for you... Or you can start being mature, bite the bullet, reconcile with your mom, adhere to the rules that go with living in her house and get your life back on track.

[whichwayisup]

Call your mom and go to family counseling with her. She loves you even though she's homophobic... I know it's wrong, you know it's wrong but she is naive about it and her head is probably filled crap she read online or her upbringing is also part of this, that being gay is wrong. ALL that is learned behaviour and can be undone. Allow her the chance to show you (counseling if she's willing) and see how it goes. You have ONE mom, and god forbid something happens to her, isn't better to fight and try to save/renew things with her now before it's too late?

[preraph]

You need to realize this isn't JUST about your mother's bigotry. You betrayed and lied to her just about every possible way while living under her roof and relying on her for support.

 

Your mom's "bigotry" aside, you ditched school and invited someone over to have sex with, when you knew full well these are rules not to be broken. The fact it is a same-sex situation that your poor shell-shocked mother has to deal with on top of your extreme disrespect is only a side issue. She was quite right to withdraw her support if you cannot even respect the most basic rules like going to school and not having sex when you're still young and in school and living under your mother's roof and too immature to understand this, apparently.

 

Stop pointing the finger at her and take a look in the mirror for the person showing the most disrespect here. And get an after school job and start saving to support yourself and THEN you can live whatever lifestyle you want to.

[Captivating]

Aww, I am so sorry. Your Mom loves you too, I'm sure but she was shocked perhaps. Especially how she found out about you being bi-sexual. Although she might think that you are a lesbian. It would have been better if you have talked to her about this before.

I think she will come around eventually.....just keep texting her lovely messages. Tell her that you love her no matter what, unconditionally and would like it if this would be mutual. She might be "old school" and has a hard time wrapping her head around what just happened Ask her to not care about other's opinion and judgement regarding this matter because YOU, her daughter's well being and happiness is the priority , not what strangers think. Complement her and your relationship with your Mom.....she will come around, just maybe confused at the moment. Be patient with her.

[Toodaloo]

So I had dinner with mum last night and to be honest I'm not really sure how it went. Things are certainly different though.

 

Apparently according to mum it is all about trust. She has put her trust in me to make the right decisions, she put me on the pill in case I was going to have sex but trusted that I would pick the right time, she made sure I always had condoms in case I was going to have sex but trusted I wouldn't until I was ready. Look this went on for a while with a lot of different examples. She says she is upset that I didn't trust her enough to tell her I was interested in girls and then that the girl I was bringing home was my girlfriend.

 

You know what, I actually understood that and felt a little bit guilty.

 

As the night went on as much as mum tried by saying she accepts me and my girlfriend and welcomes her in our home there was the slip ups that show her true feelings.

 

Comments like "when you're finished with this little experiment" and "if you told me you were interested in girls we could have worked around it" (WTF does that even mean?!), "we'll have to sort something out to tell my (mums) friends" and "Isn't it much more fun with a boy". She just doesn't get it but I'm not sure she is so much homophobic more than just confused and maybe a little shocked.

 

She has asked me to move back home and says my girlfriend is welcome with some house rules which are fair enough but I'm not sure I want the constant snide remarks especially when I have my girlfriend over. I really want to move back home but mum clearly is not fully accepting of who I am. I don't know whether being home and having it in her face will help or hinder. I can just imagine after I finish my homework and I tell mum I'm going out for a while with my girlfriend that it will not just be a simple "ok enjoy yourself". But if I was going out with a boy she will be making sure I have taken the pill, I have condoms and give me a wink on the way out. Maybe that's not fair, maybe I'm exaggerating but that's what it feels like.

 

I told mum I would think about it and that I was staying at my Aunty's still and she burst into tears, I felt guilty leaving. When my girlfriend picked me up to take me to my Aunty's mum was all like "oh, so you're going with her". That doesn't translate well in words but it was vicious. I think that shows her true colours and makes a move home impossible at the moment.

 

How does everyone here read what happened. I can go into more detail if people think it will help.

 

I'm so glad I have friends that just couldn't care less if I was with a boy or girl. And of course my girlfriends parents are great and my Aunty but you know what, I want my mum.

 

Your Mum is transitioning.

 

She needs time.

 

Stand your ground. Do not change. Accept her rules if you want to go home. Give her time.

 

The snide comments will fade eventually. She just needs to get her head round it.