Are We Normal?

[jacarandaa]

I've been seeing my boyfriend for four months now. I'm 18 and he's 20. We met on tinder, of all places! A good friend of mine was in his profile picture, so I had to swipe right on him! We really hit it off. I confided in our mutual friend about our new relationship, and she told me that he is the most loyal and trustworthy person that she's ever met.

 

Fast forward a few months, and things are starting to get rocky. I'm moving one state over to go to college at the end of August. My boyfriend and I have gotten into exactly one fight per week for the past three weeks, all over paying dinner bills. He used to be very liberal in dropping money on concert tickets, video games, and date nights. Now he's extremely frugal. He insists that we go Dutch on all dates. I don't mind that, but sometimes it's nice to have your SO treat you. I'm not expecting it every day or even every week, but he says not to expect it at all. I feel like he's being a cheapskate. He feels like I'm taking advantage of his wallet.

 

I believe that part of his new frugal attitude may be that he wants to start planning for his future. He wants to move out of his parents' house and start taking classes at the community college. That all costs money, and it ain't cheap. Plus, he plans on visiting me once or twice every semester while I'm in school. Maybe I shouldn't hold it against him that he wants to go Dutch. Maybe things are about to become difficult financially because he wants to move out. I'm fully supportive of him taking action to move forward in his life. I want him to do well and do good things. And I'm not expecting him to take me to five star restaurants or anything. I just want him to take me to a movie without complaining about how expensive the tickets are.

 

My main concern is the arguing. Do all couples argue? Our arguments never get violent, but is this normal in a healthy and loving relationship?

[Gloria25]

There was a time that a "man" could not dare ask a woman out if he didn't have his stuff together...

 

I know we now live in a day/age where women have their own cash, but I still believe in chivalry.

 

For him to expect you to pay for your "half" of everything while he still gets your vagina at the end of the night is the epitome of selfishness, classlessness, etc.

 

I get it that he's trying to get his start on life and all that, but you're not his wife. Husband/wife put money together and/or make sacrifices to build a life together - not two people who are just dating.

 

I say until he gets his life on track and can show a woman a nice date, he shouldn't be dating and doesn't deserve to get laid.

 

Think about it. If you or other women didn't put up with his crap, he'd have to find money to pay a prostitute for her time and sex...Yet, he expects you to pay for half of the time you spend with him?

 

Another example of why men should have their stuff together before dating? Lets say you two are having sex, and no BC is 100% good. So, you get preggo. Now what? You were "dating" a guy who couldn't even afford to pay for a dinner for you and now a baby is in your oven.....

 

See why men, back in the day, were required to have their stuff together before they dare ask a woman on a date?

 

I say leave him alone, let him own his own way and learn that with hard work, finishing his education, becoming responsible for himself (his own place, car, etc) comes the "perks" of female company. No man values what he didn't have to work hard for.

Edited August 1, 2015 by Gloria25

[jacarandaa]

The whole "going dutch" thing really doesn't bother me that much. I've come to realize that there are other things that mean more than expensive dates that come up to little or no cost. It's the arguing that's bothering me. I'm scared that a few weeks of having more arguments than usual means that we're doomed.

 

When we're not arguing, everything's great. We both enjoy the same things. We like to play video games together and just hang out at home. I really don't want expensive dinners or jewelry or anything like that. I'm just scared that every little argument with ruin the whole relationship. It just so happens that this is the topic that we argue about. I'm starting to see his point of view. I'm afraid that irreversible damage has been done by our previous arguments.

[Poppyolive]

Rather silly thing to be arguing about. I completely understand both sides. I'd feel the same way as you. But arguing over it seems a bit much.

 

Why don't you take it in unspoken turns for treats/date night. Agree on it, agree there will be no negeitive vibes attached to it. So next time you're out, let's say for a meal, smile and pay for the lot. And then his turn. Avoid discussion of well, I got it last time. Keep it light, fluffy, and romantic.

[Iron Bubba]

There is no such thing as normal.

 

All groups thinks that they are the only ones in existence that can be normal and all others are miscreants.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Arguing so much after four months is a big sign the relationship isn't working, imo. This stage is supposed to be all sunshine and rainbows, not arguing because he thinks you're a gold digger and you think he's tight fisted.

 

I have to say though, I agree with him on this. As a woman I like to be paid for on the first date or two (he gets dinner, I get drinks) but after that an even split of taking it in turns for every date. Otherwise it's just one party taking advantage of the other. I could understand if you were saying that you treat him sometimes but he won't return the favour, but it comes across like you're expecting him to pay for the majority of dates just as standard because he's a guy. In my experience, that stuff happens at the beginning but as things progress you become a more equal partnership!

[Qboro90]

Wow. Honestly I am a little surprised at the responses some women have given in this thread. The first response is basically telling you that sex is your equivalent to him paying for dinner/dates. So you're basically a hooker if you use that mentality. Everything you've said about this guy and the "loyal and honest" inside info you got from your friend early on tells me that your bf is a genuinely good guy and treats you well. I find it incredibly insulting and rude for a girl to just assume and expect the guy to pay for dinner/dates/presents.

 

Now I personally like to pay for dinner when my gf and I go out. However, I had a career change about a year into us dating and financially was pretty strapped for cash. My gf was aware of this and she toned down the requests to "wanna go out to dinner on Friday?" Requests and when we did go out she would say "babe it's on me tonight" every other time we did it.

 

Now I don't want to make assumptions about you but it sounds like you like to be treated to dates and enjoy going out. Nothing wrong with that. However at 18yo you've not yet seen what financial responsibilities can require and what cut backs need to be made. Are you currently working? What's your income like at the moment? Think about if you flipped the script and you were the BF and your guy was the Girl. Would you be able to pay for dinner every time you went out?

 

The fact that he's already making plans to come visit you while you're at college should be a big deal to you. That's not easy to do. Yet you're upset because he doesn't pay for your good time when you go out with him. Is he in school? Does he have car payments? Phone bills? Etc. or does his parents help him out?

 

If he was loaded with cash and was asking you to split the bill then that's a different story. I'm going to say that he's not that guy tho and is budgeting himself in order to progress his life into adulthood and get the things he wants. I.E - place to live on his own, new car, loans to pay off, etc.

 

If you want a sugar daddy to dote and spoil you then let this guy know before he wastes more of his time.

[d0nnivain]

You are not actually arguing about the money. Deep down in places he hasn't acknowledged yet, he's afraid that you are going to leave him once you start college & your relationship becomes LDR. In all likelihood he's right. Most teenaged romances do not survive the transition to college. You are going to meet all sorts of new people & the great guy from back home will lose some of his allure.

 

 

For now, enjoy his company. Pony up your share of the dates & see what happens in August.

[Gaeta]

I am also of the opinion that it's not about the money. He paid for 4 months so if money was the issue he would have mentioned something on your first month. The only thing that has changed in your dynamic is that you are leaving at the end of the month. He is afraid he is not investing in something secure anymore. I suspect he is not only sparing his money but his feelings as well. You have no other choice to go with the flow and see if this relationship will survive beyond August.

[mrldii]

"Arguing" is normal in every relationship. Arguing over the same issue, repeatedly, (while common) is NOT *good*, as it indicates you're not resolving an issue.

 

I have learned this, though: couples should pay particular attention to whatever it is that causes their first argument while in a relationship. Typically, when first dating, we're on our best behavior and have a tendency to overlook little things and gloss over them, so whatever it is that makes one or the other of us say, "Hey...wait a minute! I disagree...and I disagree enough to speak up and stand my ground over it" is something that is pretty important to us...and equally important to the other person.

 

I'd be willing to bet that if your relationship stands the test of time, most of your arguments will be over money: how much to spend and on what. Disagreements over budgeting, how much to pay for rent/mortgage, how soon to buy a new car, how many clothes for the kids, etc.

 

You two are young and are embarking on a new phase in your lives which may bring you closer together...or may drive you apart. I wouldn't worry too much about it...you're both starting a new school semester soon and may find you have little time to go out and spend any money!

 

Best of luck to you...

[RoseVille]

He feels take advantage of. I would too, given your expectations after four months.

[RoseVille]

For him to expect you to pay for your "half" of everything while he still gets your vagina at the end of the night is the epitome of selfishness, classlessness, etc.

 

...

 

I say until he gets his life on track and can show a woman a nice date, he shouldn't be dating and doesn't deserve to get laid.

 

Think about it. If you or other women didn't put up with his crap, he'd have to find money to pay a prostitute for her time and sex...Yet, he expects you to pay for half of the time you spend with him?

 

Respectfully, this is crazy talk. You're making dating tantamount to prostitution.

 

While I do expect a guy to pick up the tab the first 2-4 dates, after that, she should be contributing. There should be instances where she picks up the WHOLE tab. She wants him to pay for everything every now and then, and I bet he would, if she were, too!

 

Another example of why men should have their stuff together before dating? Lets say you two are having sex, and no BC is 100% good. So, you get preggo. Now what? You were "dating" a guy who couldn't even afford to pay for a dinner for you and now a baby is in your oven.....

 

See why men, back in the day, were required to have their stuff together before they dare ask a woman on a date?

 

And so is this!

 

We don't live "back in the day"!

 

By your standards, no guy should date until he's financially ready to provide for a woman and baby?! What the heck??

[katiegrl]

There was a time that a "man" could not dare ask a woman out if he didn't have his stuff together...

 

I know we now live in a day/age where women have their own cash, but I still believe in chivalry.

 

--------

 

***For him to expect you to pay for your "half" of everything while he still gets your vagina at the end of the night is the epitome of selfishness, classlessness, etc.***

 

--------

 

I get it that he's trying to get his start on life and all that, but you're not his wife. Husband/wife put money together and/or make sacrifices to build a life together - not two people who are just dating.

 

I say until he gets his life on track and can show a woman a nice date, he shouldn't be dating and doesn't deserve to get laid.

 

Think about it. If you or other women didn't put up with his crap, he'd have to find money to pay a prostitute for her time and sex...Yet, he expects you to pay for half of the time you spend with him?

 

Another example of why men should have their stuff together before dating? Lets say you two are having sex, and no BC is 100% good. So, you get preggo. Now what? You were "dating" a guy who couldn't even afford to pay for a dinner for you and now a baby is in your oven.....

 

See why men, back in the day, were required to have their stuff together before they dare ask a woman on a date?

 

I say leave him alone, let him own his own way and learn that with hard work, finishing his education, becoming responsible for himself (his own place, car, etc) comes the "perks" of female company. No man values what he didn't have to work hard for.

 

Gloria, re quote in asterisk above, you make it sound like a romantic relationship IS akin to a prostitute/john relationship.

 

Doesn't "pay" her way on dates = no access to her vagina? Really?

 

To be fair, what about her not having access to his dick? Last I checked, in a romantic relationship, sex is *mutually" exchanged.

 

That said ... to the OP, I can't help feeling that he is checking out of the relationship (hence the arguing) and does not want to expend any more money on it (or you) unless absolutely necessary.

 

You are both young, you are going to university out of town ... I don't see this lasting once you leave... and I would venture to guess neither does he. Sorry.

 

Jmo though.

Edited August 1, 2015 by katiegrl

[jacarandaa]

 

You are both young, you are going to university out of town ... I don't see this lasting once you leave... and I would venture to guess neither does he. Sorry.

 

Jmo though.

 

I don't know. He still talks a lot about visiting me while I'm in school, and that's a big commitment. I've always heard that men stop talking about future plans once they mentally "check out" of a relationship, and he still talks about it almost every day. It's been about 5 days since our last argument, and things seem pretty normal. Now that I understand his point of view and accept it, I think that will put an end to these arguments.

 

He's a good guy. We make a point to communicate our problems, whether they involve our relationship or not. Our mutual friend told me that she's never met anyone more loyal and trustworthy than him, and I think she's right. Even when he sees that I'm upset with something he said, he always gives me a big hug and tells me that everything is going to be okay.

 

We do a lot of good things that don't involve fighting. He likes having painted nails, so I paint his nails every two weeks. He picks the color. We have a good sex life, with our rule being that we always express when we want to try something, but nobody is expected to do anything that makes then uncomfortable. We also enjoy outings with his family, playing video games, and watching Pulp Fiction.

 

Sorry if I'm going into too many details, but I want to convey the big picture. I don't want it to seem like all our relationship is is fights about me being a gold digger and him being a tightwad. We do a lot of positive things together. This is the only thing we argue about, and I don't want it to tarnish everything.

[katiegrl]

I don't know. He still talks a lot about visiting me while I'm in school, and that's a big commitment. I've always heard that men stop talking about future plans once they mentally "check out" of a relationship, and he still talks about it almost every day. It's been about 5 days since our last argument, and things seem pretty normal. Now that I understand his point of view and accept it, I think that will put an end to these arguments.

 

He's a good guy. We make a point to communicate our problems, whether they involve our relationship or not. Our mutual friend told me that she's never met anyone more loyal and trustworthy than him, and I think she's right. Even when he sees that I'm upset with something he said, he always gives me a big hug and tells me that everything is going to be okay.

 

We do a lot of good things that don't involve fighting. He likes having painted nails, so I paint his nails every two weeks. He picks the color. We have a good sex life, with our rule being that we always express when we want to try something, but nobody is expected to do anything that makes then uncomfortable. We also enjoy outings with his family, playing video games, and watching Pulp Fiction.

 

Sorry if I'm going into too many details, but I want to convey the big picture. I don't want it to seem like all our relationship is is fights about me being a gold digger and him being a tightwad. We do a lot of positive things together. This is the only thing we argue about, and I don't want it to tarnish everything.

 

Okay but remember, *talk* means nothing if not backed up by actions.

 

You are still in a relationship so of course he is going to talk about visiting you. He doesn't want you suspecting anything, questioning him, freaking out etc.

 

So he goes through the motions like everything is normal, knowing that once you leave, EVERYTHING is going to change... which it no doubt will regardless of whether you stay together or not.

 

You will be in college out of town, meeting new people, starting a whole new life, without him being there. You are going from seeing him often .... to once every semester. Of course that is going to change the dynamic of your relationship, it's inevitable.

 

And he knows that ...and probably has doubts that it will last or if he even wants it to last.

 

If he is checking out, he is not going to tell you now for reason I stated above. He would rather wait until you leave and count on the relationship dying of attrition. Thus no drama.

 

However, since he knows it will most likely end at some point, like I said, he doesn't want to invest any more financially than is absolutely necessary ...and save for HIS future.

 

Anyhoo, this is just my opinion based on what I know about relationships where one person is heading off to college and starting a new life without their partner.

 

You are so young, only 18, college is a wonderful experience where you will be making new friends (women and men) ....going to parties, men asking you out, learning, growing ... Your boyfriend knows this even if you don't just yet.

Edited August 1, 2015 by katiegrl

[xcupid]

You say you understand where he's coming from with expenses and money issues and you accept that but really you don't accept it. If you did, this wouldn't be an issue at all and you wouldn't be arguing about paying your half.

[Gary S]

In the best relationships, the couple only argue a handful of times per year. They are easy to get along with and talk things out rather than create strife in the relationship.

[katiegrl]

Okay but remember, *talk* means nothing if not backed up by actions.

 

You are still in a relationship so of course he is going to talk about visiting you. He doesn't want you suspecting anything, questioning him, freaking out etc.

 

So he goes through the motions like everything is normal, knowing that once you leave, EVERYTHING is going to change... which it no doubt will regardless of whether you stay together or not.

 

You will be in college out of town, meeting new people, starting a whole new life, without him being there. You are going from seeing him often .... to once every semester. Of course that is going to change the dynamic of your relationship, it's inevitable.

 

And he knows that ...and probably has doubts that it will last or if he even wants it to last.

 

If he is checking out, he is not going to tell you now for reason I stated above. He would rather wait until you leave and count on the relationship dying of attrition. Thus no drama.

 

However, since he knows it will most likely end at some point, like I said, he doesn't want to invest any more financially than is absolutely necessary ...and save for HIS future.

 

Anyhoo, this is just my opinion based on what I know about relationships where one person is heading off to college and starting a new life without their partner.

 

You are so young, only 18, college is a wonderful experience where you will be making new friends (women and men) ....going to parties, men asking you out, learning, growing ... Your boyfriend knows this even if you don't just yet.

 

To add (could not edit) ...you have only been dating four months... which is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

 

If you had been dating years ....I might feel differently, but the fact is you have only been dating a few months, ...you are leaving for college out of town, embarking on a new life .... yeah I really do think he is checking out, hence the fights, hence him wanting you to go dutch, etc.

 

Again jmo.