tumblingdice Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 I need some advice on how to ask a man out. Or, if I even should. Here's the back story... I've been living in an apartment for 12 years and have had a thing for my maintenance guy (who also lives here) for the last few. I heard he was moving and decided I want to do something about my feelings for him. I've known him all 12 years, but we're not close so calling felt awkward. Instead, I left him a bottle of wine and a card with the following message: Dear F------: I stopped by a time or two to say hello. The grapevine tells me you're moving out soon. I hope that doesn't mean you're without a job. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I haven't gotten to know you as well as I would have liked to over the years, but I care about you nonetheless. So I hope you are doing well and I wish you the best, wherever it is you are off to. --Signature/apt. number I bumped into him a couple days later and he thanked me very sweetly and genuinely (although he didn't call or anything prior to that) and we talked for a while. He informed me that he is not, in fact, moving out. Oops! I bumped into him again the next morning on my way out, and we talked for a few minutes. That was 2 weeks ago and I haven't had another sighting since. I can't tell if he didn't get my hint, or isn't interested. A friend says the note doesn't send a clear message that I'm interested. Should I try again and just be more direct? Or just try to get to know him as much as possible when I see him? I really want to get to know him better at the very least, but running into him organically is fairly rare. It's all a little tricky because not only is he a neighbor, but an employee at the apartment. I also don't know anything about his dating status except that he's not married. Incidentally, I'm female and 37, and he's about 54. Thanks!! Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 I would say that he isn't interested. I'm sorry but at least you know now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tumblingdice Posted August 1, 2015 Author Share Posted August 1, 2015 I would say that he isn't interested. I'm sorry but at least you know now. That was my first impression, but then when I reread my note it sounds like I'm saying goodbye. I almost feel like I should make my intentions more obvious, like asking him out for a drink. Maybe he wouldn't pursue me if he wasn't sure he had a green light, especially since he lives and works here? Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 That was my first impression, but then when I reread my note it sounds like I'm saying goodbye. I almost feel like I should make my intentions more obvious, like asking him out for a drink. Maybe he wouldn't pursue me if he wasn't sure he had a green light, especially since he lives and works here? But saying that you didn't get to know him as well as you would have liked to makes it more than just friendly. Believe me, when a man likes you already, he will read even more into what you say naturally, because it's what he wants, so if he wants it, he will see the note for what it was intended. If he isn't interested though, pushing this would just make things really awkward and uncomfortable for him. I would let it go. Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 I reckon that note was great actually. It could be interpreted both ways by different people. It was basically saying goodbye, but this line 'wanted to say that I haven't gotten to know you as well as I would have liked to over the years, but I care about you nonetheless' was a beauty in terms of making your feelings known. If I fancied a woman and got that in a note I'd be rapt and totally see the welcome mat being laid out. Its possible its gone past him,but I'd be surprised. Sometimes older dudes discount themselves with much younger/attractive women. Its possible he is seeing someone already maybe, and maybe you could suss this out the next time you see him. That might solve your wondering or if he's single it also give him another hint that you have interest in him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 I say you need to get to the bottom of this. Your note was friendly and caring in a neighbourly way, maybe he is a shy person and just didn't want to put more meaning into it. Then again some guys just can't read between the lines so if you really like him, ask him for a drink or coffee. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rocketman122 Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 bravo for taking initiative. I thought the note was straightforward and to the point. I dont see how anyone can not understand youre interested "Anyway, I just wanted to say that I haven't gotten to know you as well as I would have liked to over the years, but I care about you nonetheless. " as much as I had offers from young women on OLD (43yo) im hesitant. a different mindset and I hate women who arent serious and want to party all the time or intellectually they wouldnt appeal to me. either hes having the same reservation or he isnt interested, or maybe even gay. maybe he doesnt have money to date. who knows. do you want kids? does he? that may be another issue. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
highseas Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 It's great that you finally reached out to him. Maybe the urgency of him leaving (which turned out to be false) made you act. However, the note could be interpreted differently as others have said. He might think: if she has romantic interests in me why hasn't she let me know all these years? Maybe she is simply a really nice, caring neighbor. I appreciate that. Now that the ice is broken, you should ask him out for coffee or something. Then he will undoubtedly get it that it's not just a "nice, caring neighbor" but something more. Of course, he might also have a gf or other reservations too. But the note itself is good as an icebreaker, but it doesn't mean he will get it that you're interested in him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xcupid Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 When I read the note you had sent him it was nice but ambiguous. If he's a bit slow on the uptake he probably wouldn't get it. A guy who gets a gift and note from a woman would usually show some interest if he's available. He obviously isn't a fast mover for whatever reason - he could be in a relationship, he could be happy being single, he could be gay, he could be shy, or he might not be ready for dating or a relationship. Who knows? If you want to end all of this speculation and fantasizing then go ask him out for coffee or a drink. You'll have your answer then. Sometimes you just have to take a risk. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 He probably assumes someone 20 years younger than him wouldn't be interested in a middle-aged maintenance guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 That's a funny little dating blooper, you thought he was moving out but he's not, cute! The problem is, guys are generally not as intuitive as women, they often don't get hints. If this was a guy's thread, I'd be suggesting he ask for the girl's number. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tumblingdice Posted August 1, 2015 Author Share Posted August 1, 2015 It's great that you finally reached out to him. Maybe the urgency of him leaving (which turned out to be false) made you act. However, the note could be interpreted differently as others have said. He might think: if she has romantic interests in me why hasn't she let me know all these years? Maybe she is simply a really nice, caring neighbor. I appreciate that. Now that the ice is broken, you should ask him out for coffee or something. Then he will undoubtedly get it that it's not just a "nice, caring neighbor" but something more. Of course, he might also have a gf or other reservations too. But the note itself is good as an icebreaker, but it doesn't mean he will get it that you're interested in him. Yes, me thinking he was leaving was definitely the catalyst. I didn't realize I felt that strongly until then. When my neighbors were gossiping about who was moving (they are renovating the whole place and some are leaving) and he was one named, I had that awful anxious sick feeling that came out of nowhere. And then thinking he was going, I thought if I made a move and he wasn't responsive it'd be no big deal since I wouldn't see him around. But I don't regret it because yes, I think it was a good ice breaker for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 The note was definitely enough. By today's standards, that's practically throwing yourself at him. Since you've already shown interest and it wasn't really reciprocated, the only thing you can really do is "probe" a little here and there. There are a few people that are socially oblivious to stuff like that, but most dudes are gonna figure you're into them if you took the time to write a note. Casually mention something that you're doing soon he may be interested in doing. If he responds positively, swap numbers and meet up. However, I think more than likely he's not that interested, but I've been wrong on this before. Sometimes people really don't pick up huge cues like that, but not often. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tumblingdice Posted August 1, 2015 Author Share Posted August 1, 2015 bravo for taking initiative. I thought the note was straightforward and to the point. I dont see how anyone can not understand youre interested "Anyway, I just wanted to say that I haven't gotten to know you as well as I would have liked to over the years, but I care about you nonetheless. " as much as I had offers from young women on OLD (43yo) im hesitant. a different mindset and I hate women who arent serious and want to party all the time or intellectually they wouldnt appeal to me. either hes having the same reservation or he isnt interested, or maybe even gay. maybe he doesnt have money to date. who knows. do you want kids? does he? that may be another issue. Yes, I totally think there could be reservations on his part because of the age gap. Though I know a lot about him, he knows pretty little about me. For all he knows I could be a crazy partier or could be high maintenance. I've never wanted children. I have no idea if he does. Seems like by 54, if he wanted them he'd have some by now. I do know he isn't gay though ) Link to post Share on other sites
Author tumblingdice Posted August 1, 2015 Author Share Posted August 1, 2015 When I read the note you had sent him it was nice but ambiguous. If he's a bit slow on the uptake he probably wouldn't get it. A guy who gets a gift and note from a woman would usually show some interest if he's available. He obviously isn't a fast mover for whatever reason - he could be in a relationship, he could be happy being single, he could be gay, he could be shy, or he might not be ready for dating or a relationship. Who knows? If you want to end all of this speculation and fantasizing then go ask him out for coffee or a drink. You'll have your answer then. Sometimes you just have to take a risk. Good luck! Yeah, from what I know of him he seems to be one of those oblivious guys who just might not get it, especially with me being so much younger and not having expressed any interest until now. And he is notorious around here for not being a fast mover. I think that's just part of his personality. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tumblingdice Posted August 3, 2015 Author Share Posted August 3, 2015 Thank you everyone for your thoughts and advice, this is great! I think my plan is to just make the most of every happenstance run-in for now by having my best foot forward. I'll volunteer a bit more info about myself, like something I did over the weekend that he might find appealing. Perhaps once he gets a better sense of who I am, he'll be more interested. Meanwhile, I might tap into my neighbors as a resource...or is that a bad idea? This guy's father has owned the property since the 60's and many of my neighbors have been here for 15-25 years and know him. They aren't necessarily friends, but at least know a lot about him. I just moved into a different part of the complex next to some of those people and am starting to get to know them. He has already come up in conversation, though I kept this crush to myself. Would it be sophomoric to nose around about his dating status with them? Link to post Share on other sites
Iron Bubba Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 The general rule is you're supposed to be dating people close to your own age. Anything else, regardless of the age, is child molestation for the older man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tumblingdice Posted August 3, 2015 Author Share Posted August 3, 2015 The general rule is you're supposed to be dating people close to your own age. Anything else, regardless of the age, is child molestation for the older man. This might be your own rule and that's perfectly fine, but everyone is different. I have no issue with the age gap. I'm 37. A grown woman. My question is more about the approach. Link to post Share on other sites
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