Finally got closure I'm so lost for words

[theredpill]

Go with the flow, not all relationships are cut and dry when they appear to end. So many of my friends have split up only to get back together sometimes, months or even years later. The important factor seems to be that real space to let the other person authentically work out what they want themselves with no pressure from their ex, my brother and his current fiancée split for over 4 months, got back together 4 years ago and still going strong.

[Chi townD]

Okay; first off, "Closure" Meet ups are stupid and I would advocate AGAINST anyone trying to set one of those up. Why? Because who wants to sit there an rehash the reasons why you got dumped. And it's usually the dumper telling you where YOU went wrong. What YOU didn't do...blah...blah..

 

 

And you just got a taste of that. I mean, REALLY?!?! She dumped you because of how you text?!?! Guess what, dude. That isn't the reason why she dumped you. So, you're still in the dark as to why she left. I mean, that is an EASY fix in ANY relationship! "Hey, I don't like the way to speak to me through text. Knock it off and stop being a jackass!" PROBLEM SOLVED!! But, that's what she's telling you is the reason. So, I speculate you really didn't get any closure from that closure meet up.

 

 

For whatever reason, she wants you out of her life. So you need to give her exactly what she's asking for. You need to do a strict NC on her. You need to BLOCK her on all of your social media. You need to disappear off the face of the planet. She needs to see what life is going to be like without you in it.

 

 

Time to heal and move on, dude. I have a feeling that when you block her from social media; later down the line, she'll probably reach out to you. You need to be strong and ignore. I have a feeling she'll try to "friend zone" you. But, I'm pretty sure you didn't get into a loving and caring relationship with her to be demoted from "lover" to "friend". SO, you need to move on with your life. She made her choice and unfortunately it wasn't you. Now, whether she made a mistake on that one, that's a mistake she'll have to live with, because you don't have to.

[theredpill]

Any meet up post break up when reconciliation is in mind should start with "Listen, I know I messed up, are you in or out?" you'll have an answer in 5 seconds or 5 minutes, you can then get up and leave if it's not what you want, walk away leaving the door open, go full NC and stick to it.

 

 

If she wants to fix it in the future, it's got to be her idea and she needs to make the effort.

[Meli22]

As others have mentioned, she is crushed because the likelihood is that she was desperate for this to work, and deep down she's realised after all of the issues that you two won't work. Did she explain all of this to you? My ex was exactly the same, crushed when we broke up, because of his doubts. Yet he couldn't (and still can't) tell me what those doubts were. Unbelievably frustrating. But yeah, your ex seems devastated over this and I doubt it's just a case of her wanting to meet other guys.

[Realitycol]

She did not break up because of the way I texted. She only commented about how I come off irl and in words. She broke up because I kept hurting her emotionally. It is a long story and a story not really important at the moment because I am past admitting my mistakes and realising the tool I was and taking everything, not just her, for granted.

 

The closure wasn't a date we planned on meeting to spill our hearts it just happened abruptly. She was doing NC and she broke it when I finally gave her 2 weeks of space.

 

She was wondering what I was doing and how I was. Maybe she wanted to know if I was seeing someone who knows. She was starting to miss me, but old feelings came back but we got into an argument.

 

Anyways to cut all this short this is what is going to happen.

 

She made her choice right? She made her mind. Well now it is about time I do.

 

I am not going to check up or listen to her sister tell me how she is home all day playing with her. If she is not dating someone and rather stay home with her family members that is her business. I love her but nothing I say or do will change her mind. I have tried.

 

I did the apologizing. Showing changes and selling myself about what I have learned etc etc. Asked for another opportunity so I can show her all that jazz.

 

Nothing worked obviously and I knew it wouldn't and I had put false hopes on being persistent. Not anymore. I don't hate her. I forgave her and love her, but I just can't do what doesn't work.

 

When we first met we casually talked about past relationships. I didn't want a girl with hidden baggages or ex dramas. She showed me some texts a long back of her exs asking for chances years after. She never went back to any of them but they were her ego boosts for sure. One even stayed single for her for 3 years. She thought that was dedication... I thought that was some loser **** right there. She obviously doesn't know what she wants or what she was talking about, but I did. If that guy is the kingbeta and a loser why am I doing something similar?

 

We already removed each other from everything so no need to do that. I am no longer going to listen to her friends or family. Not going to see what she is up to. Not going to contact her or even put myself in her radar. If she doesn't want to go out and get wasted or enjoy summer or date new guys then fine that is HER choice. I for one want to socialize casually.

 

She gave up. Maybe she is weak, I don't know. I never gave up and I sure can't live my life holding onto anger or grudges or hide pain underneath a carpet and ignore it while I busy myself with some addicition (games, partying, you fill in the blank).

 

One of the last things she said was she knew I would always come back contacting her. That if she wanted me it would be all too easy. Sure she is a catch, but so am I. Maybe she forgot how jealous she was when we met but I am in a better place than I was then.

 

It is about time she feels what it is really like without me. I won't stick around and try to flirt or ask her for another chance like her previous exs. If she is into that that's fine but I have some self respect and self value. Maybe one day she'll realize what she lost. The pain she hid under the carpet may come back biting her who knows. Or maybe she will live happily ever after. In the end it is her choice, her life. It is time to live mine. I ****ed up, gave it my all, nothing more to be said.

 

If it was no mere coincidence we ran into each other once, nothing we do will stop that from happening again. It's about time to let go and let time and whatever else beyond us do its thing. I admit I tried to force things and nothing good came of it.

Edited August 6, 2015 by Realitycol

[beach]

Hey guys thank you so much for the support. She asked me again not to contact her (I didn't) and even e-mails she can't control herself to not open them and just delete them.

 

It really sucks, because the arguments we had could be fixed, but AT THE MOMENT she wants space.

 

I have no idea if she'll ever come back to my life. I know I need to keep strong. I'm not skipping meals or losing sleep, because I'm a bodybuilder and pushing myself at the gym will ensure those two are met, but I'm really feeling the loss.

 

Since she was ok with talking verbally with you but felt you were mean by text - why don't you abstain from text all together in your future relationships?

 

If text is a problem and makes you appear to be a different person then don't text...

[Realitycol]

A person I knew at my previous job asked me out 8 or 9 or I don't remember months ago. I was with my ex-gf at the time. She disappeared until today I met her on my way to work while picking up my usual cup of tea (huh, take a look at that). Long story short we're going on a date Friday. I don't plan on doing anything physical or anything quick. I just want to hang out and have fun and get my mind off everything else. Enjoy some good food, good company, and some good drinks.

[Meli22]

A person I knew at my previous job asked me out 8 or 9 or I don't remember months ago. I was with my ex-gf at the time. She disappeared until today I met her on my way to work while picking up my usual cup of tea (huh, take a look at that). Long story short we're going on a date Friday. I don't plan on doing anything physical or anything quick. I just want to hang out and have fun and get my mind off everything else. Enjoy some good food, good company, and some good drinks.

 

Enjoy best thing to do!

[elaine567]

A person I knew at my previous job asked me out 8 or 9 or I don't remember months ago. I was with my ex-gf at the time. She disappeared until today I met her on my way to work while picking up my usual cup of tea (huh, take a look at that). Long story short we're going on a date Friday. I don't plan on doing anything physical or anything quick. I just want to hang out and have fun and get my mind off everything else. Enjoy some good food, good company, and some good drinks.

 

Screen your texts well, filter out anything that could be misconstrued and do not send any sarcastic or criticizing ones even if you think they are funny or only meant as a joke, to this new girl.

 

Good luck, be happy.

[SycamoreCircle]

I wouldn't worry too much about your texts, sounds like a red herring. Sorry to pull the curtains down on the fine Ryan Gosling film ending, but she's probably got a guy waiting in the wings. Maybe your texts were a little abrasive. Hmm...no one's used that one before...let's give it a try!

[Realitycol]

Oh, I will. I looked back at the texts from last year. I literally cringed and face palmed. To give an example. Ex-gf is late (work closed at 11 PM), I'm texting her if she's out cheating on me + more insecure + fearful texts, then she gets home I'm all sweet and nice. LOL, man I can't believe I put her through that crap sooo embarrassing.

[SycamoreCircle]

So it's not the texts, it's your insecurity and possessiveness.

[Realitycol]

I wouldn't worry too much about your texts, sounds like a red herring. Sorry to pull the curtains down on the fine Ryan Gosling film ending, but she's probably got a guy waiting in the wings. Maybe your texts were a little abrasive. Hmm...no one's used that one before...let's give it a try!

 

If I have to hear about 2-3 times a week, 3 months after she dumped me, by HER family member or sister they are "sick" (well not really just matter of expression) that she won't get the F' out of the house and either playing games or wanting to play with them, then sure. I'd gladly take a new guy in her life, it only helps me activate my inner switch of, turn 180 and never ever look back. She's a catch. She's a manager at a modeling firm. Her parents are millionaires. She's set for life, I'm sure she can get WHOEVER she wants.

 

The problem for me in moving on was I never understood. I thought she left me for another man. I thought she already had 3-10 guys lined up to choose from as SOON as it was over, because it wasn't unexpected. She didn't. That's what BOTHERED me. It DIDN'T make sense to me at the time. If she just had left me for another man I'd say good luck wish you well, be happy. Then left her the **** alone. I just had this code in me where I can't come between two people who are dating. Somehow I felt even awkward hanging with girl friends that had a boyfriend. I just never wanted to get in between and start drama in any way shape or form.

 

I had to make a new e-mail account so it'd stop notifying me when she keeps rereading our last e-mail msg.

[Realitycol]

So it's not the texts, it's your insecurity and possessiveness.

 

Insecurity/fearfulness/She's out of my league/I don't deserve such a woman/Neediness/ to say the least?

 

She admitted to being all that I listed for herself too, because at the start she sometimes wouldn't hang up until I got home alone, until we both moved in. She had issues with me having a lot of girl friends, etc.

 

Like I said numerous times, she didn't break up because how I word my texts. She just asked at the moment while she was sobbing why I am such a brute in texts but a completely different person via voice/irl.

[candie13]

OP... when you fall for someone, you become really vulnerable to them and all of your deep seated fears, all of the things you have not dealt with resurface...

 

don't beat yourself up, ok? It's done, it's in the past... you cannot un-do it. Right now, I think some time and space will do you good. Try to forgive yourself for your mistakes, ok? Not easy.... just... give yourself a break for now, ok?

 

I actually think it's important to become aware of all the mistakes you made later on, to understand what your fears are... and maybe work on them. So that, next time, when you fall inlove and feel all insecure, you're able to see that it's not the other person cheating on you, it's your abandonment issues... and behave or react differently.

 

I know a lot of the posters here say "date immediately". I say "take your time". Definitely meet new people and get distracted, but also take the time to reflect on your past RS and errors and understand what happened. I think dating casually is a good option. Personally, I am against jumping into a new RS right now. It seems like there are a few things you need to process still.

 

That's the tricky part, after a big break up. You think you're well, you think you're functioning ok... but you're not. I'm not. Just ... give yourself a break. Time will make it all better.

[candie13]

 

The problem for me in moving on was I never understood. I thought she left me for another man. I thought she already had 3-10 guys lined up to choose from as SOON as it was over, because it wasn't unexpected. She didn't. That's what BOTHERED me. It DIDN'T make sense to me at the time. If she just had left me for another man I'd say good luck wish you well, be happy. Then left her the **** alone. I just had this code in me where I can't come between two people who are dating. Somehow I felt even awkward hanging with girl friends that had a boyfriend. I just never wanted to get in between and start drama in any way shape or form.

 

OP, sounds to me like you drove her away because you didn't think you were good enough for her. And when she left you, she left you because of you've allowed your insecurities to affect your RS, not because you're not good enough for her.

 

I think you were testing her, expecting her to date a million men and sleep around, to finally have the proof that indeed, she thought you were not good enough for her. And ... it's not happening.

 

It's really sad, but it's not her... it's you. You don't seem ready for a RS with her. I think you should try to see a specialist, talk to a therapist about those issues... why do you think you're not good enough? why do you expect her to cheat on you or leave you? What happened to you, for you to think you don't deserve love and that they will leave you / abandon you / treat you poorly?

 

Understand where these core believes steam from... it'll put you in a much better shape next time, in your next RS. Otherwise you might singlehandedly continue to sabotage all your RS because of these insecurities...

 

RS are tough like that... take care

[elaine567]

She just asked at the moment while she was sobbing why I am such a brute in texts but a completely different person via voice/irl.

 

It may be a similar to the fact that many trolls on the internet can be perfectly nice, quiet people in real life.

 

Whist alone at home with your phone, the demons got hold of you and you spewed out the insecurity, the jealousy, the bitterness and your neediness.

Once she was safe at home and in front of you all that nastiness dissipated, but unfortunately she had a record of all that horrible stuff and even if she temporarily forgot, it was always there to remind her of how weird and hurtful you could really be.

[Realitycol]

My mom left me and vanished when I was 8. She liquidated my dad's property and withdrew hundreds of thousands and ran off with her new man while my dad worked overseas.

 

Yeah I had lot of quality time with specialists, and other loving people since the break up. I literally spent 3 months on improving myself physically and mentally. I was already built but just pushed myself and I liked it. I don't plan on stopping with those because I enjoy being in great shape inner and outer.

 

Changes do happen, time varies.

Edited August 6, 2015 by Realitycol

[Realitycol]

It may be a similar to the fact that many trolls on the internet can be perfectly nice, quiet people in real life.

 

Whist alone at home with your phone, the demons got hold of you and you spewed out the insecurity, the jealousy, the bitterness and your neediness.

Once she was safe at home and in front of you all that nastiness dissipated, but unfortunately she had a record of all that horrible stuff and even if she temporarily forgot, it was always there to remind her of how weird and hurtful you could really be.

 

Yup. Exactly. She gave it multiple chances. I talked of change. Initially yes, but was a matter of time til it resurfaced and she being shocked and feeling cheated.

 

I never changed because I never digged deep to the core and fixed my wiring. I never took care of myself and healed fully.

 

Not anymore, not anymore.

[candie13]

OP, that is a really traumatic event and it doesn't just disappear by seeing a therapist, once. It's a long life work...

 

Did you try cognitive therapy? It's really good in making you understand what your key core beliefs are and giving you really good strategies to cope with them.

 

You're not going to be up and running in three months... You need to be realistic about this, it takes time, it takes effort and you will need to do a lot of soul searching... I know that now, after 3 months, you feel better... but you also feel better because she - the key source of insecurities - is not in your life anymore. When and if she comes back... she will awaken the demons inside, too.

 

Read about the abandonment pattern and about the lack of affection - emotional deficiency. There's a really good book called "Reinventing your life" by Jeffrey Young and Klosko, you might want to get you hands on it and read it.

 

cheers

[Realitycol]

I understand your kind words, but I have had help for years. The difference now is I choose to accept the treatment instead of ignoring it and let it grow out of proportion. There isn't a week where I am not seeking some form of help whether religious, friend, counselling, etc supports. Going to take time and work, I fully accept and will never stop.

 

When I made my mind up on quitting cigs I did just that.

Same with drinking.

Same with substance abuse.

Same for gaming. Other addictions I used to hide past pains.

I was a nearly 35 to 40 body fat man years ago to under 10 depending on bulk and cut.

[Realitycol]

Hey guys. Another day here.

 

I was busy from the moment I got up until about an hour ago. Today is the 2nd day since I ALSO removed her family members/friends from the loop. I was doing great today. Real great.

 

Then...

 

My phone still synced with my work's gmail sends me a notification... that she read another, yet different past e-mail of mine. Yesterday, (I'm assuming right before she passed out since this was our ritual for entirety of knowing each other), she checked an e-mail I sent before turning 180 degrees and walking away. It contained very few of the positive memories (no words, just pics doing all the talking) we had.

 

Now, today she checked one where I said my good-byes/wish you well/my door is open/hope you heal/nice-whole-hearted-have-a-great-life, the last email EVER. In that email I also had asked her to get rid of all past texts/emails/photos/everything we ever had or shared, because (gosh I had to do this myself) some of the last things we exchanged were FOUL *yuck embarrassing* fighting like little kids. One of the reason I asked of this is so she never has to (down the line) open our whatsapp or text and see the last thing we exchanged to each other...and then be instantly reminded of the pain.

 

Anyways, she re-checked that e-mail again past midnight most likely in her bed.

 

I know she could be using it as a reminder of what a douche I was or read it to move on or maybe she just needed me for a couple seconds of her day while she's healing, I'll never know.

 

I don't want to get my hopes up at all. At one side of the coin I'm a little glad inside that she cares, but on the other side upset that I hurt this woman and we both have to deal with the consequence.

 

It's upsetting because I know what I did wrong and the journey I took to change wasn't easy, but I did it anyway because it WAS ABOUT DAMN TIME. It was full of blood, sweat and tears and honestly, I don't think this journey will ever end for me, because I won't stop being a better version of myself until I am no longer alive. However, she chose to be without me and THAT's what tickles my brain. I know I can do it, but she won't let me. Besides, she also needs to heal/change from this too.

 

LTR is a lot of work. I'm down for the challenge. Ultimately, it's sad that she's not willing to put that kind of effort with me, and hence I must keep walking.

 

 

I get it, lots of people think 2nd chances don't work out too well. I honestly think, although there are thousands of factors, mostly it's because they promised change, but all the **** that turned off each other resurfaces after reconcile period. Heck, I've done it myself repeatedly with this women. I told her I'd change. I told her I've changed. Not because I really did, but to get her back. It's like promising a kid you'd be there for their birthday and not being there....or something like that. I put on the act of a changed man for a month or two until one moment I snap and the ugly monster that she can't handle without blowing up in tears just resurface. If I cannot fix that, I need to stop lying to myself and to her that I've changed. I'm tired of telling lies to this woman that I'm going to treat her right or be good when I couldn't hold to my promise.

 

When we argued, I never really took a step back to go back to what was actually CAUSING all this negativity. It took this break up to realize that I wasn't happy with myself and for the last 12 years of my life I hid that fact by indulging myself with addicting activities that put my mind at ease or let me escape reality. When we fought, I'd apologize and tell her I'll/I've changed. It was just a lie to be blunt now. It wasn't deliberate, I wanted her back. In the end, I hurt her even more by not being able to withhold my promise of change ON TOP of doing what turned her off in the first place.

 

3 months ago I said no more to this repeat of a mess. I've had ENOUGH. I am going to get to the bottom of what's making me and kept me unhappy. If I'm not happy, my words/attitude will reflect that NO MATTER how HARD I try to hide it. So I dug deeper to what's has bothered me for 12 years.

 

Listen, I could've been the old me. I could've sat or laid in my bed moping. I could've drugged myself up or get drunk every night. Heck, I live in a city with 10 million people. I could've hurt myself or worse.

 

I'm just rambling and trying to help myself out here. I'm sure I'll be back to being normal soon and get off my ass and go do something that's beneficial to me or SOMEONE else in a good way. I'm just glad this break up has opened my eyes to things I wasn't seeing for 12 years... I'm grateful for that, just not grateful I had to lose someone I cared so much for.

[Realitycol]

Having a weak moment. 'Fearing she's forgotten me' kinda moment. Damn.