smackie9 Posted August 1, 2015 Posted August 1, 2015 We have soooooo many threads on "We had a great time, said they would call me for another date, now they don't reply to my messages :(" What the hell happened?? Why did they agree to another date?? "We got along great! Had lots in common." "I would have been OK if they just said no instead of getting my hopes up!" So do you think I will be wasting my time if I send another message? It goes on and on.........
h0000 Posted August 1, 2015 Posted August 1, 2015 I am a bit surprised such a silly question and have you guys discuss over 2 pages.. Is it that hard to turn someone down who you just met once.... 1
guest569 Posted August 1, 2015 Posted August 1, 2015 Either dont reply at all, or respond and tell her you had a nice time but have thought about it and you didn't feel a connection. Honesty is probably best in this situation as she is keen and waiting for you.. Replying to be "friends" or trying to be short will just make things a lot more difficult. I would much prefer to be ignored than led on. I've had a man agree to meet again, only to make every excuse before finally saying "sorry, i didnt find myself particularly attracted to you". He could have either said that first up or nothing at all. I was pretty damn hurt.
tumblingdice Posted August 1, 2015 Posted August 1, 2015 There's nothing more frustrating in dating that the dreaded fade. I think it's cowardly. Sure, it's hard to tell someone you don't have romantic attraction to them, but I think most mature adults appreciate the honesty. You sound like a thoughtful guy, but chances are, after 1 date she's not in love with you. So you won't be doing any damage at this point. I would reply to her message, but I agree with what others have said...don't suggest another get-together. If she does so, just tell her at that point that you didn't feel the connection and don't wish to date her.
TB Rhine Posted August 1, 2015 Posted August 1, 2015 Just do it the way a woman does it... by going out with her a bunch more times, making sure she pays for everything, then freaking out and doing the 'Macauley Culkin' face if she tries to put the moves on you. 1
Empyrea Posted August 1, 2015 Posted August 1, 2015 We have soooooo many threads on "We had a great time, said they would call me for another date, now they don't reply to my messages :(" What the hell happened?? Why did they agree to another date?? "We got along great! Had lots in common." "I would have been OK if they just said no instead of getting my hopes up!" So do you think I will be wasting my time if I send another message? It goes on and on......... This!!! I was reading OP's post and thought, yes! finally someone with a conscience! and then all the replies are saying he should ignore her ... really? after all those posts here complaining about the exact same thing? And yet.. when you really start to think about it, there's no good way to go about it. I agree that if it was only one date and you didn't agree to anything, then it's fine to just ignore the matter - because they might do the same. But if she starts contacting you or expecting another date (as I suppose she's doing), then I would reply in a friendly manner and tell her that unfortunately you didn't feel a romantic spark, but you think she's a lovely girl and would happily get a cup of coffee with her as friends if she's interested. That's my two cents! 1
Author mr_dave Posted August 1, 2015 Author Posted August 1, 2015 Thanks for all your replies thus far, She has just sent me another couple of messages asking about my day so I'm going to send her the message now. She's so nice, I feel awful. Hope she finds a great guy soon. I suggested chatting as friends, so let's see what she says.. 1
HereNorThere Posted August 1, 2015 Posted August 1, 2015 You're a good dude. There's a lot of desperate, opportunistic jerks who'd keep her around "just in case" or take advantage of her. Honestly, I think something vague along the lines of "I've decided to focus more on work and not date right now" is a better let down. I like to at least give a reason, so that they don't take it as personally. 2
Author mr_dave Posted August 1, 2015 Author Posted August 1, 2015 You're a good dude. There's a lot of desperate, opportunistic jerks who'd keep her around "just in case" or take advantage of her. Honestly, I think something vague along the lines of "I've decided to focus more on work and not date right now" is a better let down. I like to at least give a reason, so that they don't take it as personally. Thanks, well I guess giving a more vague, less personal reason is better. She has questioned it, saying "already after one date, but you wanted to keep talking..." I might say that I'm probably not ready to date - I'm still struggling to click with anyone after a bad breakup. (which is true)
Ruby Slippers Posted August 1, 2015 Posted August 1, 2015 She's so nice, I feel awful. I guess giving a more vague, less personal reason is better. She has questioned it, saying "already after one date, but you wanted to keep talking..." I might say that I'm probably not ready to date Honesty is the best policy. And it's much nicer to clearly communicate that you're not interested in pursuing anything with her than proceeding when you're not all in. It's not personal to say, "I had a good time with you, but I don't feel a romantic connection." Being vague or telling her you're not ready is just stringing her along. It gives her the impression you might be ready in the future. Telling her you don't feel a romantic connection closes the door and frees her to pursue other romantic connections. 1
guest569 Posted August 1, 2015 Posted August 1, 2015 She will probably see through one of those vague lies of 'not ready for a relationship at the moment or not ready to date right now.. but I will in a few weeks time so do call again. Just tell her the truth, as stated above, will close the door and free her and free yourself too.
HereNorThere Posted August 1, 2015 Posted August 1, 2015 Honesty is the best policy. And it's much nicer to clearly communicate that you're not interested in pursuing anything with her than proceeding when you're not all in. It's not personal to say, "I had a good time with you, but I don't feel a romantic connection." Being vague or telling her you're not ready is just stringing her along. It gives her the impression you might be ready in the future. Telling her you don't feel a romantic connection closes the door and frees her to pursue other romantic connections. Meh, you're splitting hairs there. He said straight up he was not that attracted to her looks, so if you want him to be honest, he should say "look, your picture was kinda blurry and when I met you I just didn't like the way you look. Honestly, you're just kinda fugly, but I'm sure there's some other dudes out there with lower standards. Peace." Instead, he cares about her feelings so he's trying to take the focus off of her. I'm sure she probably knows that he's just being nice, but it does help to take the sting out a bit and gives her a good excuse/rationalization to tell her friends.
guest569 Posted August 1, 2015 Posted August 1, 2015 Surely you can put the truth nicely though. "Sorry, I wouldn't have sex with you if you were the last person on earth" or perhaps "didn't feel a romantic connection" is equivalent? 1
xcupid Posted August 1, 2015 Posted August 1, 2015 Thanks, well I guess giving a more vague, less personal reason is better. She has questioned it, saying "already after one date, but you wanted to keep talking..." I might say that I'm probably not ready to date - I'm still struggling to click with anyone after a bad breakup. (which is true) At best it was a meeting to see if you two clicked. You're probably not really ready to date from the sounds of it. Leave it at that. No need to go into a detailed explanation or lie about it. After that, don't continue texting with her. Say your piece then exit for good. You have to cut if off at some point. You will hurt her feelings but there's not much invested on her part at this point and better now than later.
jay1983 Posted August 1, 2015 Posted August 1, 2015 Why not tell her you have a date with someone else? 1
Author mr_dave Posted August 1, 2015 Author Posted August 1, 2015 Honesty is the best policy. And it's much nicer to clearly communicate that you're not interested in pursuing anything with her than proceeding when you're not all in. It's not personal to say, "I had a good time with you, but I don't feel a romantic connection." Okay, I pretty much said the above via whatsapp, it's been our means of communication up to now. She was online, saw that, and then we got into a lengthy conversation about relationships, how hard it is to find someone compatible etc. I did say I haven't really clicked with anyone since my ex, that I'm probably not ready to date. I've said I hope she finds that special guy soon, and that POF maybe isn't the best site, and that I'll be pulling my profile shortly (which I will.) I also recommended meetup to her, to find guys with similar interests! So there were some hints in there, but our chat was friendly... 1
fitnessfan365 Posted August 1, 2015 Posted August 1, 2015 If you reject her openly, be prepared to get rejected back. I'd suggest not contacting her. Why would he care about getting rejected back, when he doesn't want to see her again?..LOL If you want to spare her feelings, you could tell her a little while lie - "The other night was fun. But I've met someone I've decided to focus on. Good luck to you!" She can't fault you for that after only having one date with her and it doesn't make it personal against her.
katiegrl Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 Why would he care about getting rejected back, when he doesn't want to see her again?..LOL Lol, I know seriously. How does one even get "rejected back"? He already rejected her - done. There is no such thing as "rejecting back." That's called being a "sore loser."
Ruby Slippers Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 Surely you can put the truth nicely though. "Sorry, I wouldn't have sex with you if you were the last person on earth" or perhaps "didn't feel a romantic connection" is equivalent? Exactly. You can be honest without being a jerk. "No romantic connection" is a polite, respectful way of saying any of the following: no attraction conversation was very dull something about you repels me I don't feel any draw to you your breath is terrible you have no manners etc. 1
Leigh 87 Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 I have had two guys shut me down. The rest disappeared rather than having the decency to tell me they just weren't that into me. Guy one: Leigh 87, there is no denying the sexual chemistry was strong and initially, I liked that we didn't stop talking. It was a breath of fresh air (affer meeting so many girls that barely talked and could not carry a conversation) that we could actually talk and that you were attractive and the same as your pictures. However, I think it is clear to the both of us that our personalities didn't quite click well enough for a relationship. Guy 2: Hey Leigh 87, I have been thinking about yesterday and while there is no denying that you're a very attractive lady, I am definitely not feeling it. I enjoyed talking to you though and I am happy to drive up your way for for a coffee if of you're keen to make a new friend. Both me and the guys ended up feeling a mutual lack of spark. They weren't exactly on my mind after the dates and I just didn't feel that deeper "click". These were both nice looking and successful guys. I liked the way they looked and they were fun to chat with however, we just didn't click. I still felt a tiny sting that I was essentially rejected. As is dictated by human nature. But I didn't think much about it after. If I had been crushing on the guys I would have been upset but since it men sent the rejection texts soon after the date rather than after a second or third date, I would have gotten over it. The thing is. .... I KNEW that the guys weren't into me. Although one tried to kiss me, I could just tell that there was not a mutual zing there.....With the guys that felt the spark, although it didn't work out long term, it was OBVIOUS by *BOTH* our actions during the date, that they were interested in me. You're issue was...you agreed to a second date. But she's the one who asked when I personally wait for the guy to suggest getting together again. In my experience, the men who sparked with me would eagerly suggest another date at the end of the first date! I totally understand that it was awkward the way in which she alluded to a follow up date. You already *knew * you weren't interested so you should have either declined her *not so subtle * hint right there and then, OR, alternatively, you should have texted her PROMPTLY after date one to let her know that although she was a nice girl and you really liked her personality, you just weren't feeling a romantic connection. Some women and men kick up a stink. I've had many men say such things as "well no wonder your single, rejecting the nice guys because we didn't immediately light your fire" I've also heard men tell me that women also act perplexed after a first date rejection and reply with statements like "well... After one date you seem to have already made up your mind. ..good luck on finding a super model who wows you right away. You will need it" You just have to tolerate disgruntled daters. I nor do my friends, kick up a fuss after a first date rejection. I have sure never been nasty about it! 1
Author mr_dave Posted August 2, 2015 Author Posted August 2, 2015 (edited) Why not tell her you have a date with someone else? Why would he care about getting rejected back, when he doesn't want to see her again?..LOL If you want to spare her feelings, you could tell her a little while lie - "The other night was fun. But I've met someone I've decided to focus on. Good luck to you!" She can't fault you for that after only having one date with her and it doesn't make it personal against her. I might consider that excuse if I find myself in a similar situation, this time however we had already talked about being more old fashioned, and only dating one person at a time... Thanks for all the input guys, it has been very helpful! I didn't envisage such differing opinions when I opened the thread! Edited August 2, 2015 by mr_dave
elaine567 Posted August 2, 2015 Posted August 2, 2015 When it came to seeing her in person.. I wasn't attracted to her at all. I might consider that excuse if I find myself in a similar situation, this time however we had already talked about being more old fashioned, and only dating one person at a time... If you weren't attracted to her the moment you saw her, why did you decide to discuss dating arrangements and spend hours talking to her and leading her on to think there was a connection there? I know you have now "sorted" it amicably but it doesn't mean she is now not crying into her coffee thinking "It seemed so perfect, what happened?" I know you wanted to be the nice guy here, but there is nothing nice about spending hours and hours with a "date", you had no intention of pursuing any further, the minute you clapped eyes on her - if you were to be totally honest. 1
LoveRefreshed Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 IMO; and this is my opinion. You owe her a "I'm not interested" message, at the very least. To go on another date with her- then you need to make it clear from the onset that you aren't romantically interested in her. Think about how many guys come here pissed off from the slow fade. I hate the slow fade. I am direct and honest; without being a giant dick hat. EDIT: Son of a gun, not reading pages 2 and 3 made me look like an asshat. Glad you told her straight up. Also, girls yelling at him for entertaining a conversation. do you know how many women let me buy them dinner, then cook for them, then tell me they aren't interested? "Oh, I thought we could be friends" Works two ways. Sometimes we enjoy the friendship and platonic conversations, too.
Vintage79 Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Just tell her that she has the most amazing personality ever, but she's as ugly as a dog and that you couldn't stand being seen with her in public...ok, maybe don't do that... Just don't contact her, or ask her out again. If she asks, just tell her that you didn't she's not quite what you're looking for. Don't explain in more detail - as the ugly thing is just hurtful and not necessary...is it really that hard to not ask someone out again that you don't want to go out with?
Friendly3000guy Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 I have not read every single reply on here, but I do agree that you should not lead her on and allow her to think that you are interested in a romantic relationship with her. I do, disagree, however, with the idea that you should fade away and hope that she forgets about you. You do not know what she is feeling; she may be all excited, and to just fall off with no explanation is just wrong. She deserves to be treated like a human being. What would be wrong with gong out with her again, and being friends with her, and just sharing your common interests? Maybe you weren't meant to be romantic partners, but what does it hurt to spend time together and enjoy your common interests --- platonically. I have personal experience with this. I have met women to whom I have not been attracted romantically but whose company who I have otherwise enjoyed. I have been on the receiving end of the fade-outs, and it is quite hurtful. That's why I had to post this. This girl does not deserve that. Maybe I am being too blunt, but there is no reason dating has to be romantic relationship or nothing. I get the idea that dating is the process to finding our soulmate. I do get it. At the same time, I cannot understand why men and women both keep picking partners who they are less happy with, just so they can be called "boyfriend" or "girlfriend", yet they toss aside someone with whom they can go out and have a blast sharing a common interest or two and really enjoy themselves. I'm not saying that you have to go out every single week or on any kind of a "schedule", but honestly, doesn't it sound like more fun to be going out and having a good time sharing a common interest than to sit in front of the damn computer!!! You yourself said that you were compatible, just that you have no physical attraction. Personally, I would love to be in your situation. This one is a no brainer to me. I'm not saying don't keep looking for someone to whom you are attracted physically. Granted, the next girl you talk to may have the physical attraction AND the personality compatibilities, but then again it could be years away, too. If both of you can gain a friend, and not be lonely or miserable until you find your romantic partners, how is that a bad thing? Seriously?!?! I would go out with her, find something that you both enjoy (which will not be a problem from what you described), and keep letting her know that you enjoy her company; beyond a hug to say hello or goodbye, just don't show any physical affection. As long as you do not send romantic signals, you have done everything correctly. There is a song from the 1990's that seems to partially fit your situation. I'll leave the link here, I hope that you will listen to it and read the lyrics. Please don't throw her away like a piece of garbage.
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