MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted May 6, 2005 Posted May 6, 2005 This is really hard. I've been separated for 3 1/2 months and share custody 50-50 with my exhusband. Our kids are pretty good, very smart, and lovable and seem to be okay with the arrangement, although everyone knows they would prefer things to be "back to normal" with mom and dad living together. My son is in a counselling group at school - he is 10. I haven't asked him yet about it, it just started. They haven't offered my daughter (age 8) the same thing yet. Last night his baseball team lost their first season game badly. The first thing I said to him was "Wow you played great! You have a good team this year" He started to cry and cried all the way home because they lost and said they were terrible, and were probly going to lose every game, blah blah blah. Of course I tried to tell him all the parent-ish stuff about the score doesn't matter, as long as you tried your best, it doesn't matter if you win or lose, I'm proud of you etc etc. He really isn't that good, but I did notice how he was really into the game, not like the last couple of years, and I was very proud. I put him to bed and he was still sniffling, and I told him that I did realize that winning DOES matter to HIM an understood why he was upset. He thought about this and I told him that nothing will change the score in that game however. He seemed to accept that and went to sleepl It was very stressful for both of us LOL. Nothing compared to the issue with my daughter (other post) but just thought I'd share this one. He has always been this way, very sensitive and somewhat of a perfectionist.
Brandi Renee Posted May 6, 2005 Posted May 6, 2005 My son 7 has struck out the last three games and has been cirying right at the plate. Poor guy. They just wnat to make thier parents proud.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted May 6, 2005 Author Posted May 6, 2005 He did that alot his first years. Last night he had a base hit, stole home once, and had an rbi! But yeah I'd hate to see what happens when he does strike out this year.
brashgal Posted May 6, 2005 Posted May 6, 2005 It took my 7 yr old son at least 6-9 months to settle down after my ex moved out. Once he got used to the back and forth (but on regular days) he stopped being such an attention whore. He had a lot of behavioral issues in school, couldn't concentrate - it was a tough school year. That was last year, this year has shown steady improvement but it took a lot of discipline, talking, encouragement, tutoring because he got behind - phew! I'm thinking your son's behavior stems more from his perfectionist tendencies from the sounds of things. Some kids (I'm one of them) just take everything more seriously and to heart.
Chris777 Posted May 8, 2005 Posted May 8, 2005 Like I said in you post about your daughter It does sound like your son Is having problems with your seperation. My daughter has had crying spells like the one you described, where she cried for a couple of hours, over nothing. (ear rings that I touched, and therefore got dirty) My ex wife was married when we met, and unfortunately for her kids (and now mine) I encouraged her to divorce from garbage advice that people say, to justify their actions. I encouraged it from my selfish desire to have her, and try and treat her better than her 1st hubby did. But it was selfish, and now not only does my daughter suffer from it , but so does her half siblings. When my ex split from her !st hubby. Her son tried to run away and actually left the house and got several blocks away before she caught him (he was 8) I of course gave selfish advice and said not to worry about it, but now that I am older, and see what pain it causes i Regret it, as he was hurting badly. My middle step daughter whithdrew, and put on a bit of weight, she was, and still is quiet , and reserved. Though she also threw fits ocasionally I was in the store with them and she threw a temper tantrum for a toy, that We could not afford. She was around 8 or 9 at the time. And my youngest step daughter Went wild. You talked about you daughter enjoying spankings. When We 1st got married we didnt spank, but the youngest she was just wild, sweet as can be, but she would destroy things, and make wild messes, pouring baby powder, all over the house, stuffing things into the vcr, jumping on all the furniture, to the point of getting hurt. All 3 of them acted out in some form ,and when I take my daughter to visit them now, they still seem whithdrawn. My stepson dropped out of high school at 16 (he IS GIFTED) my middle step daughter is into the morbid got sort of thing, and is still whithdrawn. and my youngest is still a bit wild, though more un diciplined, she leaves the home often to go to friends, even when my daighter their half sister visits. Their dad does let them behave like he is a buddy, and since their mom is off running around with whatever boyfriend she is currently with she doesnt come around much, unless she feels guilty, or its a holliday, ( I suspect to hear from her tomorrow) But the situation is as much my fault as it is hers, if not more. I highly suggest you have your kids talk to a councelor. NO PILLS And again For your childrens sake, I ask you to try and work on your marrage. Unless you will be seriously injured, or if he is cheating , and even under both of those circumstances, if he can change, and you can forgive him, Your children will be much better off. It breaks my heart how just my daughter suffers from this mess, which might could have been prevented, if A i hadnt nuged her mom to divorce her 1st exn and marry me, and B if i had contested, until maby she came to her senses. (she told me once after she broke up with her 1st bf that she wished she hadnt kicked me out and moved him, in) I wouldnt just jump back in it with her, but i never said i had ruled it out, i just wanted to take it slow. She apparently is Very Needy, and cant be in an empty bed, as bad as that may sound. I've seen her jump from one abusive jerk to the next, and even back. Its sad, and tragic, that people like her cant even slow down enought to get a sence of themselves before they start shacking up again. I just hate it for the kids the most, because they really don't deserve this. and I thin kwe all failed them.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted May 9, 2005 Author Posted May 9, 2005 Wow you're pretty hard on yourself. Alot of what your kids are displaying seems pretty normal to me, and kids do these things whether or not their parents are divorced. I think they're just trying to see where they fit in. As for my marriage, I don't think there is a chance of reconciliation. If you have seen any of my older posts, I am the one who cheated. I wanted out of the marriage and that was my way of dealing with things. But even though I cheated, the marriage breakdown wasn't all my fault. We tried but it has to be a two-way street and we just realized the love wasn't strong enough. I am much like your ex - I need attention (I don't pick abusive partners however). I have alot of guys who would love to be with me, but I also have a bf who is away right now and that isn't meeting my needs, so yeah, I cheated again but that's in another post lol. I think we will look into some counselling for the kids even though my son is in a group session at school.
Chris777 Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Wow you're pretty hard on yourself. Alot of what your kids are displaying seems pretty normal to me, and kids do these things whether or not their parents are divorced. I think they're just trying to see where they fit in. Considering that they are the products of 3 divorces and countless girlfriends and boyfriends of the mothers, I think it may have a bit more to do with it than you think. As for my marriage, I don't think there is a chance of reconciliation. If you have seen any of my older posts, I am the one who cheated. I wanted out of the marriage and that was my way of dealing with things. But even though I cheated, the marriage breakdown wasn't all my fault. Why is their no chance at reconciliation though? what is the problem, other than your apparent boredome with him? We tried but it has to be a two-way street and we just realized the love wasn't strong enough. I am much like your ex - I need attention (I don't pick abusive partners however). I have alot of guys who would love to be with me, but I also have a bf who is away right now and that isn't meeting my needs, so yeah, I cheated again but that's in another post lol. I think we will look into some counselling for the kids even though my son is in a group session at school. I know the world is far from perfect, but people use that excuse far too often to justify their own behavior, You think I am hard on myself, but their was a time I tried to justify my behavior just like you, the first time was when i first hooked up with my ex, and i had no real concern about her children, other than trying my hand at being a step dad to them. I had no consideration, at how their parents breakup would truely affect them, (just a bunch of psychobabble garbage about their parents fighting, and it supposedly being better on them not to see it, so i pushed for her to dump him) My daughter tells me EVERY DAY how badly she misses her mother, and wishes we hadn't divorced. I have even had her 1st ex of all people suggest we get back together for the kids. the second time was when i was running around "finding myself" after the divorce, leaving my daughter to be half raised by my parents. I had a councellor Give me some tough love by laying down the law to me telling me that I needed to get my act together, and raise my child, as it was obvious my Ex was out of the picture, and that I had a responcibility. That was something I did NOT want to hear, but looking back was some of the best advice i had ever been given. IT deeply pains me that I missed out on about a year and a half of my daughters life by running around doing pointless clubbing, while she had lost bothe her mother, and technically her father who was only home long enough to say hi and give her a hig befor going off to the clubs to try to meet some woman who in all likelyhood would have absolutely no interest in me once she found out i had a motherless daughter. GROW UP We ALL do it sooner or later, thankfully my clubbing days only lasted a couple of years or so, but that is tim I missed of some of the most precious moments of my daughters childhood, as well as directing her in ways my parents messed up with me on. YOU are behaving LIKE A CHILD Think about it, how often do your children seek either your or your husbands attemntion? and in all honesty who really needs it more"? You in your desperate search for whatever you seem to think is lacking in your own life? or your kids who if you keep up this reckless behavior will in all likely hood end up in the same situation you are in now, seeking attention from strangers, because they dont get enough at home. No one like to hear it, but their are too many problems that our children go throug hwithout their own parents blowing them off too seeking their own selfish desires.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted May 11, 2005 Author Posted May 11, 2005 For starters, I don't go "clubbing". I am no longer in a relationship with a man as of last night. My kids are with me 50% of the time, and they are with ME. I do not dump them on my parents or anybody. When they are with their dad, I keep myself busy with work, studying, keeping up my house, and trying to have a social life. If the kids have an activity while with their dad I still make every effort to attend (ie baseball games, dance recitals, etc). My kids met my bf but he was not introduced as that. He was over to install my dishwasher and stayed for supper. They suspected that more was going on but his name hasn't come up in the last few weeks. I don't bring men into their lives and don't plan on doing this for a very long time. I totally disagree with reconciling a marriage "for the sake of the children". That is not reconciling and it is not a marriage. We have irreconcilable differences and our children will not learn how a relationship is supposed to be from that. Me, my ex and my children are still a family although not in the traditional sense. We still do things together, communicate very well, coordinate the kids activities, support them and each other and love the kids very much. It is a friendly situation and we are not "messed up" which is why I was so concerned about their behavior. Turns out my ex talked to my daughter about the camera incident and she has been well behaved since. My son has another baseball game coming up and we'll deal with his reaction together as parents should. Why should we have to live together and sleep together to be good parents to our children?
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