When you did something so wrong you wish for a rewind button

[Realitycol]

It's been 3 months since my ex-gf left my life.

 

We weren't bored of each other anything like that. When I raise her attraction level to her 90s I just chase her down to her 50s by being needy/insecure/fearful/neurotic.

 

Anyways the first month we both avoided each other. We both kept REALLY busy irl. Her with her girls me with my boys.

 

2nd month I tried to fight back and chased her again.

 

3rd month I left her to have space, reflect and heal.

 

Her friends told me she thought of me and my whereabouts and that she missed me.

 

So I broke radio silence and approached her. She denied everything and told me I was delusional and imagining things in my head. She was still angry and holding onto all the grudges. Saying I wasted her life. It was all about her being in pain and me being wrong. Nothing about me being hurt just as much or anything like that.

 

I got upset and emotional and I just couldn't take the blame and the negativity and lashed out. She lied to me about everything. She lied about talking about me to her friends cause she missed me, she lied about coping well when she's still not over it and crying and trying her hardest to busy herself every day and spending her time to cope with it. I just wanted to tell her how much I care and how I wish I didn't have to hear or see her be miserable.

 

She was bouncing around with her friends seeking self-approval and rebounding with friends or other activities to do what we used to go. Go places we used to be at and do the activities we used to do. She was single for the 3 months and never dated. I just couldn't see her like that so I approached her tried to use logic, yes I know Loveshack and it all turned into a nuclear bomb of an argument.

 

She cried like crazy. She broke down with blanket around her and she was bawling. After that she started showing my texts to her friends her reason being that she couldn't handle it by herself. Showed all her girlfriends the things I said and how I am abusing her. Talking down to her. I didn't even raise my voice/say any harsh words or talk her down. I just wanted her to let GO of the past and stop living in the past. I was telling her how she was just being so selfish and negative. Victimizing when she's the one cutting me into pieces with her language.

 

I am pretty sure all bridges are burnt. It's a shame. I know I shouldn't even have approached her and should've waited. I cracked and it just hit me emotionally how bad she was suffering and I acted out of emotions.

 

I know this is going to be one of those things I'll regret and "what if you didn't do anything and just trusted on time" thing.

 

We both missed each other but both failed to communicate that and in the end just distanced ourselves so much. Not that I ever cheated or threw F bombs at someone I dated in my life, but this is pretty much irreversible.

 

It really sucks that she's that hurt. I think I really scarred her for a long time and I wanted to be the last person to be doing that. I really hope I didn't involuntarily hurt her chances from future relationships, because I'd be feeling even more guilt.

 

All I had to do was not approach her and leave her alone no matter what I heard or was told. Just 1 action that changed her having good memories of us, like she said before she wept, to all being tarnished.

 

I plan on cutting all ties and going NC without ever looking her up. I expect her to do the same. I am going NC knowing 100% there's not even a single miraculous possibility things will get better. I just can't heal when I watch her suffer and I just can't think about us anymore without some major changes for both of us. I don't even expect a hi back if we randomly met 30 years down the line.

Edited July 31, 2015 by Realitycol